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Original poster

Should I admit to 12 year lie? (Probably not as interesting as you think though, sorry)

56 replies

Braneycat · 09/12/2018 23:02

So me and DH have been together 12 years. We got together really young (16) and while I was experienced sexually, he wasn't. I think most women would agree that we were taught that the male orgasm was more important than our own, and as he was quite insecure about my sexual partners and lack of his own, I faked most of my orgasms. Its now been 12 years, he has long gotten over his insecurities, but I'm still faking. He thinks it only takes me a couple of minutes, but in reality I'm worried about it taking longer incase he thinks there's an issue and I feel really self conscious when I try to orgasm in my own time. Should I just own up so we can work through it together? I do actually enjoy our sex life, but we've had a big rocky patch recently and I was very honest about alot of things and it was very helpful in opening communication, but I think I might need some male ego navigating here.

OP posts:
Squidgee · 09/12/2018 23:35

I've faked it a couple of times, but only because they can be so varied in strength that sometimes it was easier to claim it was a weak one to get him to finish so I could go to sleep.

I think at this point you'd be better off using the excuse your body has changed and the things he used to do just aren't getting you off like they used to.. and use exploring what DOES get you off together as a way to move forward.

HollowTalk · 09/12/2018 23:44

You're crazy though making him think it just took a couple of minutes.

Broccolifeatures · 09/12/2018 23:47

Hmm, I would tell him. I don't think you can fudge this, it sounds like you might need to go back to basics... 12 years of mediocre sex will not be fixed unless you come clean (and teach him). Maybe not the whole truth but that you sometimes fake it to save his feelings. But I get that it will be difficult!

JustABetterPlayer · 09/12/2018 23:47

Wait what... Confused That’s a little messed up.

Faking that you come through intercourse or other stimulus? Do you ever come??

SantaClauseMightWork · 09/12/2018 23:49

How have you survived all these years without great sex? Confused

Travisandthemonkey · 09/12/2018 23:49

This is actually mad
And what’s really mad is that he doesn’t even realise.
God you must be a good actor. How does he not know

ILOVeautumnleaves · 09/12/2018 23:51

No, definitely don’t tell him. Just stop faking it & either genuinely get there or don’t.

Forget all the toys and stuff, this needs to be about you and him and your relationship. You need to properly sort things out.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/12/2018 23:52

For his benefit I wouldn't say anything.
However if you've been faking it all these years. He's never going to give you an orgasm. As he obviously thinks he's doing it right.
I've never understood all this faking orgasms. Is it because you want to look superior. You're no less of women if you're not brought to screaming climax every time, you know. I'll hold my hands up I don't orgasm every time. That's just life though.

Grilledaubergines · 09/12/2018 23:52

Don’t tell him.

It’s not his fault though. If the OP has never said anything, how is he supposed to know?

SantaClauseMightWork · 09/12/2018 23:52

If you are into some particular toy when alone, try and use it with him to say I would love to try this with you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/12/2018 23:53

How does he not know.

Well unlike men women can fake orgasms.

Sethis · 09/12/2018 23:57

So... I'm confused... do you not come at all?

For 12 years?

Utterly baffled.

I guess the logical option is to look at what he does now.

Then look at what it actually takes in order for you to orgasm.

Then work out how you can turn the former into the latter.

E.g. if he doesn't do much with your clit, and you like lots of attention there, then nonverbally (and, if needed, verbally) start getting him to pay more attention to it. Grab his hand, face, fingers, whatever, and put them where you want them to be. Tell him you've read an article online about trying new things and you liked the sound of them, and you want to give them a go. When he does give them a go, then give lots of positive feedback "Oh god, that was amazing when you did X to my Y, that was a really intense orgasm! Maybe we should do that next time too!" etc etc until it becomes the new routine.

Absolutely don't tell him you've been lying to his face for 12 years for your entire relationship, unless you specifically want to break up with him and ruin his sex life for basically the rest of time. Fucks sakes.

lostinjapan · 10/12/2018 00:03

No one deserves 12 years of bad sex, you need to do something about it!

Well actually she does deserve to have 12 years of bad sex if she's not going to tell her partner what she likes and if she pretends to be having an amazing time when she's not. That's on her, not him.

Loftyswops988 · 10/12/2018 00:10

Okay wow. Firstly 12 years?!? of not telling him. i'm confused because surely you can tell when a woman orgasms or not (i'm a woman with a woman and would know if my partner was faking)
secondly, i think the way to go about it is 'i don't know why but it seems to be taking me longer and longer to come these days' and take your time until you have an orgasm. you shouldn't have to save his feelings but you also shouldn't have faked for so long. make him think you're just taking longer these days

Sethis · 10/12/2018 00:16

surely you can tell when a woman orgasms or not

There's somewhat of a huge difference between 'did not achieve orgasm' and 'pretending to orgasm'. Nobody can tell with absolute 100% certainty when a given person is faking unless you have access to medical scanners. Certainly not a man who has been with exactly one woman for his entire life and been lied to for the duration.

tolerable · 10/12/2018 00:17

fuckin hell. 12 minutes faking id have mentioned.Youve literally fucked yourself love. tell him.he'll hate you.dont tell him...he willnt know.Your only hope is convincing him hes developed a new route that works better.thats tween you and your conscience,how would you feel?..poor lad

tolerable · 10/12/2018 00:17

sorry that was mean,good luck x

LemonTT · 10/12/2018 00:22

I think if you want to protect his feelings and improve your sex life then Lofty offers good advice. Tell him things are changing body wise, blame hormones or the pill and mention visits to the GP or nurse. Then suggest some additional extended foreplay and so on. Would work better post menopause but needs must.

Nb I don’t usually condone not being straight with somebody but I can see how you got where you are.

Good luck.

cancla · 10/12/2018 00:22

I'm intrigued by the part where he thinks it only takes you a couple of minutes.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 10/12/2018 00:32

Make him watch When Harry Met Sally and give him a knowing look. Grin I second this suggestion.

BertieBotts · 10/12/2018 00:52

I think it's pretty common for young women to fake it because it can be really hard to orgasm when you're inexperienced and at that age the boy's ego seems so hugely wrapped up in whether he can make you come or not that if you can't, he starts to feel bad and anxious and when you like a boy you want to make him feel good. Also, it starts to get boring if it keeps going on and on with nothing happening so it's a quick way to end things without totally destroying his feelings by saying "Yeah this is shit". Particularly if both you and your boyfriend think that minimal foreplay and then pumping to death for (what feels like) hours is what sex is and also that pornstar moans are the way everyone expresses orgasm. AKA what porn is...

You must be a similar age to me actually and yeah - 12-15 years ago, internet porn was suddenly huge and our parents had no idea we were getting our really warped sex education from that so didn't make any attempt to stop it in most cases. I am not in the slightest bit surprised it would lead to the above scenario whether you directly watched it or not because it was so massively influential on what most people our age believed about sex.

Honestly? I would recommend you buy a copy of the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, just say you read something about it/saw her Ted Talk and were intrigued and ask whether he'd be up for reading it with you chapter by chapter. I'd made a lot of discoveries myself simply from the fact of having several relationships and being single in between them, but this book pulled everything together and was somewhat of a revelation. I think you might both find it interesting and fun. You could sell it to him as an exploring new aspects of your sexuality together kind of thing. I would honestly be really surprised if he wasn't intrigued by that prospect at least.

WilburforceRaven · 10/12/2018 00:55

I think most women would agree that we were taught that the male orgasm was more important than our own

I'm actually sad that you think 'most women' were taught this and certainly in an era where increasingly, young women subject themselves to sex practises they don't like or want as they think it's the norm to 'please a man'.

I'm one of those women who can orgasm in minutes and through intercourse multiple times but even I know this is unusual and thankfully, lost my virginity to a man who enjoyed the pleasure he could give a woman as much as his own. I chose him carefully, and was 16 at the time.

I think I'd probably go down the 'body is changing' route but really, stop having shite sex.

BertieBotts · 10/12/2018 01:08

And YYY I totally identify with the man's orgasm seeming more important than your own! It probably is a porn thing. I also think most women feel this way, but I have definitely read on here before that I'm wrong about that. I wonder if it is a small window of age - I feel like we had the exposure to porn but not the openness/sex positivity which is more common with younger parents.

I do wonder what it would be like to always expect sex to be good. My early experiences of sex set the bar so low that I'm really struggling to consciously raise it even though for the vast majority of my sexually active years I've been in a marriage where my orgasm is very much as important as the man's, perhaps sometimes more.

incallthebloodytime · 10/12/2018 01:35

It would be unbelievably cruel to tell him he hadnt actually satisfied you in 12 years

But unbelievably stupid to fake any more

I guess he has to work harder now

BrendasUmbrella · 10/12/2018 02:29

The human body changes over time. Just tell him what the two of you do is no longer working for you, and you want to try some new things/take more time. It's probably for the best to protect him from the truth if you can, it probably wouldn't benefit your intimate life together!

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