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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being sad about cancelled plans..? And what can I do...?

56 replies

ChachachaBoom · 09/12/2018 22:13

It was my birthday over the weekend. I've had a fantastic time with some friends and their families and I'm very lucky!

But I had plans with my boyfriend tomorrow and booked a day off work especially as I told him I'd love to spend time with him. He's cancelled the plans. This actually happened mid of last week where we had plans. So now I'm left not having seen him for my birthday (which meant a lot to me) and with another day off work which is wasted and will be spent alone. I do not have kids and I'm alone often so there's not much of a novelty in this for me.

Aibi to be a bit annoyed? And can anyone suggest what might be nice to do rather than moping all day? I'm short on money at the moment so nothing too expensive.

OP posts:
laurG · 10/12/2018 09:41

My husband did stuff like this at the beginning of our relationship. For some reason i never said anything and pretended I was ok with it (didn’t want to seem like a nutty woman). Eventually, I came to my senses and went crazy at him. It’s a special day and as the special person in your life he should at least try to see you!! YanBu

tentative3 · 10/12/2018 09:47

One of my local posh health clubs often pops up on payasugym for around a tenner. That would give you access to the pool, a massive jacuzzi with a bed area (as in you can sit in one part, you can lie down in another) from which you can swim out to an outdoor jacuzzi with waterfall. There is a sauna and four different steam room type things. It'd also give you access to the gym if you wanted. Might be worth a look.

I think otherwise I'd look at the cinema, a nice cafe with a book, a walk if the weather is decent, something like that. I know it can sometimes be tricky to motivate yourself to do things, particularly alone, when MH issues are contributing, but you'll feel so much better for getting out.

FairytaleOfWigan · 10/12/2018 09:50

If I’d cancelled on my partners birthday I would be very VERY apologetic and would arrange an ever better day the next weekend we were both free.

That’s what most people would do. I wonder why he’s not.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/12/2018 09:53

Does he have a job that involves sometimes having to go to work at short notice? Is it that sort of reason - or does he have a sick family member or close friend? That sort of stuff is annoying but kind of can't be helped. If he is cancelling plans with you because he had a better offer eg going out with other friends, that's less acceptable.

And it does sound a bit as though you are not his main priority. If he's an OK date in other ways, it might be best to start working on your own social circle rather than investing too much in him.

ChasedByBees · 10/12/2018 09:54

Honestly this seems like very poor behaviour from him.

If I had a surprise day off I’d probably do Christmas shopping and enjoy the Christmas atmosphere (no presents for a partner who couldn’t be bothered with a birthday though).

MrsMWA · 10/12/2018 09:56

Dump him and go to a Christmas movie and Mac D’s to celebrate! Happy Birthday.

FiveShelties · 10/12/2018 09:59

What is he doing at the week-ends OP? Have you visited him at home? I would be upset with having birthday plans cancelled, unless there was a really good reason.

Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 10/12/2018 10:05

Weekends are alone because he has his kids. He's not ready for me to meet them yet. He is deffinately single before anyone asks if he's married. I've known his family for a number of years.

I'd be the same apologetic about it...i spoilt him on his last birthdays and buy him lovely presents, make a fuss and take him out. I don't care for presents just some thoughtfulness. I have a history of child trauma and numerous MH issues that come along with that so I do often struggle to guage what people's actions mean. Ie. If he says I love you to bits but doesn't show it... Im very confused but assume I'm wrong in not feeling the love.

So now he's saying he tried his best. I believe it because he insists it... But he hasn't has he?

I wish I could let myself have more than this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 10/12/2018 10:06

Thank u for the birthday messages Smile

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/12/2018 10:40

How long have you been together?

There's two possibilities here.

Either you've not been together long and he's being quite reasonable in not introducing you to his children yet; and he's had to cancel plans for valid reasons, but because you don't have anyone else, it's hurt you more than it would have. In that case; it sounds like you might be a bit too dependent on him, and you might be happier if you limit the time you spend by yourself or waiting for him and try to either restart some old friendships or make some new ones?

Or he's being a knob; and he's not as invested in this as you are, and you're right to be upset and hurt that he's cancelled and left you spending another day by yourself even though you're struggling. In that case, you need to call this off for your own mental health; and then throw yourself into making new friends.

Either way; it doesn't sound like he's enough for you right now, and you don't want to be his back up option for when he's got free time. It'll do nothing for your happiness if you're always just passing the time waiting for him to be free.

Happy birthday Thanks I think I'd go to work if I was you; but if you can't, I'd go for a walk and have a nice lunch somewhere not too expensive with a book.

Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 10/12/2018 11:45

We've been together just over 2 years.

OP posts:
FairytaleOfWigan · 10/12/2018 11:48

Excellent summary from anchor.

My recommendation is that you download the C25 K app and start running ( free ) . In 8 weeks time when you can run 5k without stopping, go along to your local parkrun ( also free ).

Get fit, make new friends . All free ( Except for trainers and a decent bra if you have boobs ) .

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 10/12/2018 11:49

Great post Anchor.

OP, is there a reason you only responded with how long you’ve been together and passed over all of the other advice/suggestions in that post?

Sparkletastic · 10/12/2018 11:55

2 years is a mighty long time for him not to have introduced you to his DCs.

Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 10/12/2018 12:10

Sorry fearlove I didn't purposefully ignore the other comments.

I think I know well that peoples comments about me not being his priority are spot on. I know its true but I don't think I'm ready to fully believe if that makes sense. This is a continuous cycle I seem to have in relationships and I don't think I can put it all on the men I choose...it has to be me. And I should have met the kids by now but he's terrified of upsetting his ex gf and the agreement they have... I know though if I was who he Wanted he would treat me different.

I have not gone out yet but I'm getting ready to now. Sorry I didn't mean to be ignorant in not responding.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 10/12/2018 12:12

On the running. That's a great idea. I used to be a keen runner and I do miss having a hobby like that that helps me to clear my head. Thank you Smile

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 10/12/2018 12:15

I had something like this happen once. I went to the cinema, saw a movie OH would not have wanted to see, then picked up a KFC and a bottle of wine. It was a nice day.

Alfie190 · 10/12/2018 12:18

Not ready for you to meet his children after two years? That seems excessive.

TrippingTheVelvet · 10/12/2018 12:38

We really can't judge if he's unreasonable unless we know what the other things were. Were they to do with the kids? In that case, he's not going to win whatever he does.

BackforGood · 10/12/2018 15:00

This is a continuous cycle I seem to have in relationships and I don't think I can put it all on the men I choose...it has to be me.

Having now read your posts about being alone all weekend too, along with this post above, it seems to me that you are investing everything in to "a relationship" rather than getting out there and enjoying life.
Different people have different ideas of what they will / won't put up with from a man, but you shouldn't be relying on him alone for all your 'fun', or you 'going out' or your 'laughs'.
Where are your friends?
Why don't you join a group that do something at weekends ?

Just for startes - you mention you like going out for a walk, well why not join a local rambling group. You've immediately got a group of people you see fairly regularly, and you might hit it off with one or more of them. You said you used to run - there are several local running groups here that are very friendly and supportive. They do social runs and have a facebook group in which people ask if anyone else wants to 'do a £k tonight' or whatever. they also put on C25Ks to help beginners in to running. Doesn't have to be exercise of course, there are groups for everything and anything you can think of. Or there's volunteering - so many hundreds of thousands of roles you can do, many of which bring you into contact with other people.
when you widen your circle of friends then you don't rely on one person and then it isn't such an enormous thing when they let you down.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/12/2018 15:15

Do you usually take this approach - expecting Your Man to provide you with everything in the way of company, entertainment and a social life -? If you do, that could be why a lot of your relationships have fizzled out. It's a bit offputting to have a partner who doesn't have a life or any interests outside The Relationship.

Whether or not this particular bloke is worth keeping matters less than building up a social life for yourself, which will make you happier and healthier anyway, regardless of whether or not you have a partner.

Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 10/12/2018 15:34

With all due respect I never said I don't have interests. I find your comment quite presumptive and mean.

I have interests and hobbies of my own. I have a career and I am studying at masters level.

I have friends as well.

I posted about being disappointed because my bf has let me down twice for my bday plans.

I've already mentioned I'm feeling a little fragile.

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 10/12/2018 15:38

He's tried his best. 😂

He hasn't done anything!

HeathRobinson · 10/12/2018 15:39

Chacha - Happy Birthday. Flowers

Original poster
ChachachaBoom · 10/12/2018 15:41

I know its ridiculous isn't it. This thread has really helped me to see that he's been an idiot. All he would've needed to do was to rearrange and say he'd make it up.

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