Why how some parents think abusive emails to teachers are OK?

[MonaLisaDoesntSmile]

I left the teaching profession a few years ago. Met up with a few ex-colleagues and we spent part of the evening talking about work, and it reminded me quite a few abusive/demanding/threatening/passive-aggressive emails I got as a teacher, which is something I don't experience at all in my new job. Made me wonder- what makes people think this is suitable to write to anyone like if they were some sort of lesser form of life?

Most of those people were professionals and I don't believe they would get away with writing abusive emails like this to their clients or co workers, and they would most certainly kick off if they were to get an email from a teacher in the same tone they wrote theirs.

I sometimes see parents here 'fuming' over things, it would be so lovely if instead of fuming everyone tried to just be nicer?

I once got an email written at 9PM on a Sunday about a parent 'fuming' over a detention set for their child for an undone homework their child SAID they completed. Which they did not, but anyway, parents got a different story and their child always tells the truth etc etc. At 8 am on Monday another angry email demanding immediate reply, and at 12 another email copying the headteacher that they want to take this disgraceful lack of response on my behalf up with the management. I haven't even seen the first two until I got to work, and taught full day with a break time duty, not that the parent cared. Or a parent who clearly has not read school policies before selecting a school for their child, and then spend weeks arguing that such or such rule is disgraceful, and how they even asked around their friends who were of the same opinion that it was pointless and so on and so forth.

Just some examples, as I experienced or saw others experience far, far worse, which I don't want to write about as some would be quite revealing.

I know there are some unacceptable things schools do do, but many other issues could be solved, or would not exist in first place, if people were a tiny bit more composed and treated others like they want to be treated.

Is it unreasonable to expect a civil communication, whatever the circumstances?

@dorisdog my DD high school have all the staff emails on the school website and in the year 7 welcome pack. I’ve only sent 1 email since she started in September and I’m still waiting for a response 10 weeks later, luckily I figured the issue out and sorted it myself.
I’ve emailed the head of dc primary school at 9pm on a Saturday with a very urgent issue and had a reply that night, I was very surprised, by the Sunday lunchtime I’d had answers to my concerns and a meeting at 9am Monday. (A serious bullying incident where ds1 was injured)

@dorisdog the Issue was not that a parent emailed me at 9pm, but that they expected a reply immediately. Our school had staff email list, and actually if parents emailed heads of year with everything they contacted us, HOY would spend all of their time sitting on the computer. In theory, parents should have been emailing tutors first, but that also put a lot of demand on them, and quite frankly the amount of time I used to spend on sorting out someone's detention, or reading a complain about a teacher because a son of such and such does not want to sit in a classroom next to such and such, or that such and such lost a pencil case can I help them find it and email their teachers to look in the classrooms, or that it is ridiculous that we expect students to bring in all the equipment to school.

@MaxineReynolds I know, but I can't tell you how many times I have been frustrated with a student or a parent, and yet never wrote a rude/condescending email about it. The reason schools are 'hopeless' with communication is that we are.... busy. Would love to be able to answer everyone in a speedy manner, but there are so many other important things people need to do! I used to come to work an hour before the school day started and usually had one free lesson a day on average, which was taken by marking/meetings/printing/planning/more meetings, plus extra 25+ hours of extra work I had to take home each week such as more marking, more planning, etc. Lots of my time was taken up by admin work and unfortunately replying emails (unless really urgent) was not high on the list of my priorities, if I had to chose between this or lets say marking GCSE coursework, planning a lesson or doing hurrying for a meeting.

@truckinit - well it was the school policy and actually made (most) kids do the homework, as no sanctions meant no homework or whatsoever. Anyways, it's not just about homework, I had parents argue about detentions for coming 20 minutes late, swearing at a teacher, class behaviour ("But he said he was not talking to anyone! And I believe him"- shame I hear him loud and clear on a number of occasions), stealing someone's possessions (I actually had a Mum argue that a fact a member of staff saw a student walking off with someone's school bag, turning around to see them when they were called out, and then running off was 'a witch hunt', and it was ridiculous that their child is being a scapegoat for something they didn't do. The list goes on...

@incallthebloodytime - it is, and maybe for people from some industries where you get feedback within minutes/hours it makes sense to expect a speedy reply. And it all depends on an issue. But quite frankly, in most of the really urgent cases (bullying) parents were more often a lot nicer and understanding (except for parents of bullies, I could sometimes tell where the bullying originated) than in case of detention or silly stuff that enraged the parent so much they had to write me an angry essay.
Once for example a parent forgot they received an email about a trip, and then when they got a reminder about the payment they wrote a stupidly long email about shockingly incompetent people working in a school who are unable to send a letter home. They demanded a meeting about urgent stuff- a total waste of time, as there was nothing urgent about anything they said, and when they were told it was not a letter but an email they received on a certain date, they checked and found it. Ooops. But that was after I wasted 25 minutes of my free period waiting for them (they came late) and explaining that all they really had to do was to pay £15 if they wanted their child to go on a trip.

YANBU. Much better to make a polite enquiry than send an angry email.

My school does not give out teachers' email addresses. A parent could message the office, who would screen it, and if abusive, would divert it to the Head to deal with.

@Alienspaceship

The emails I write to my children’s school are usually written in an aggressive, unpleasant tone. It’s the only way to avoid being fobbed off by them.
I am a teacher.

^this. All day

I was nice nice nice nice nice.
Got nowhere!!

So my communications got more stern and blunt. (Maybe rude/passive agressive).
I asked my siblings to screen them first, objectively.
Both work in professional roles akin to teaching.

They thought they were the correct tone, given how the school had acted.

Teacher clearly thought the email was too blunt. That's her issue, not mine at this point.

It was a genuine complaint. If anything her response just highlighted they didn't get the issue. So the discussion will be summarised be replying to the headteacher.

@OP your description sounds more like silly people and silly complaints throwing their weight around - that's not ok.
Genuine complaints will often be curt if the matter is upsetting/frustrating, so i think that's much more understandable/ok

I am an NHS secretary and once had a patient unhappy with my response, so they sent me a letter addressed to me personally at the office, on solicitor's headed paper, demanding x by x date. Obviously I was quite startled - until I realised the patient actually worked as a receptionist at a solicitor's office and they had 'borrowed' the official stationery just to give me a fright

@iamthere123 So you expect parents to complain and find parents who don't complain "excruciatingly embarrassing"?

People are largely dicks these days. I would love to live on a sea fort and have my groceries and Deliveroo meals sent over my drone. No people to deal with!

In customer service isn't it usually to the company not directly to the individual?

😂 No, not with people like the OP describes. I deal with people face to face and I've been dragged across a bar top by my shirt collar, and threatened that I'm going to get stabbed when I leave work. For following company policies and legal requirements.
Other delights include being taken the piss out of for having a hearing problem, being told I'm thick and an idiot and a low achiever so they don't know why they expected a suitable outcome from me.

But that's actually in a customer facing role. I think the problem is we've got to a point where we're seeing parents/children at school as 'customers' and that lovely totally inaccurate saying "The customer is always right" comes into play. I don't veiw myself or DD as a customer, or teachers as being in customer service. Same with nurses and doctors, fire fighters or police officer.

I think of course teachers should be accountable, but I think their main objective is giving children an education, not being some sort of customer service rep.

Its not restricted to school aged children . Try employing a teenager , you will get parents contacting you saying little Johhny is too tired to come to work today

I think the problem is we've got to a point where we're seeing parents/children at school as 'customers'

Who is "we?" School staff certainly don't hold that view; possibly only some entitled parents.

I think I've emailed teachers directly once (I have their addresses - not given publicly but I have them as they've emailed me back from them when I've emailed the office and it's been forwarded onto them) and it was recently when I had to mail the SENCO about issues we're having massively with DD2's class teacher refusing to engage with the very very basic (and planned to be as easy as possible from a class teacher perspective) SN provision in place with her. I really did apologise for having to send it direct to her inbox and apparently it was completely fine and I blooming well need to stop being so apologetic apparently!

I did tell one teacher to stop worrying about DD1 and go home and drink wine when they rang me once at like 5pm on a Friday evening to tell me DD1 had bumped her knee coming out of school and she'd not had a chance to tell me. I was like "why the hell are you in school worrying about this now - go home!"

Despite the nightmare we are having with the situation with DD2's teacher (there are general issues with the way she doesn't support SN in her class - I'm just the first parent to actually stand up and challenge it) I really really do respect the teachers at my kids' school as (this woman excepted) they're bloody awesome - and I've told them so in the past as well.

I’ve just sent an email to the head of year at my daughter’s school. It was a nice email thanking them for going out of their way to help my daughter settle into her new high school. Had to remove her just weeks after starting Year 7 at another achool due to severe bullying. This new school have really made the transition so easy for her and i now have my happy 11 year old back.

@OhDearGodLookAtThisMess

I think the problem is we've got to a point where we're seeing parents/children at school as 'customers'

Who is "we?" School staff certainly don't hold that view; possibly only some entitled parents.

Society in general. Yes I agree that school staff should not be viewed in this way (which was the general point of my post - I didn't say school staff should or do see themselves that way?! Rather the opposite) but I think that's the problem, an increasing number parents/children view themselves as customers and treat teaching staff as such with the whole 'the customer is always right' attitude. As I said in my original post, they're teachers who deliver education to children, not customer service reps.

I used to be a lovely supportive parent. DH is a teacher and I know what they have to put up. But as a parent who received a very shitty and unacceptable letter from a teacher and is fighting tooth and nail to get respect for DD and her education, it cuts both ways.

Because the general public are in fact, arseholes. Increasingly rude, unpleasant and entitled.
This ^^.

coyoacan
@iamthere123 So you expect parents to complain and find parents who don't complain "excruciatingly embarrassing"?

You’ve got the wrong end of the stick.

I totally agree with you OP having also worked in customer/service user facing roles.
It is unacceptable that others decide they are entitled to speak to people in the manner they do.
Having also worked in a role where I needed to go into schools and having experienced how little regard some teachers have when they speak to their pupils I think this attitude needs to extend here also.
As it cannot be generalised that all parents act inappropriately neither can it be said of all teachers behaving appropriately.
The human race as a whole need to think before they speak and act and consider their own behaviours to others.

I think it is something else we can blame social media for. People have got so used to feeling they can whatever they like online, they are starting to interact in RL this way too.

Anybody who cares about education would not be rude to teaching staff. These people look after and try to educate your child for up 7 hours a day ffs with less than adequate pay. The parent's job should be to champion the educator.

I've worked in a customer service role, people sometimes feel entitled to be fantastically rude to people in that position. I've also come across a couple of patently unpleasant teachers though, so blame on both sides!

Wrt to putting my own views across. I usually find writing civilly but expressing your displeasure and expected solution usually gets results.

Why? I don't agree with angry emails but why is usually mama bear defending cub. Sometimes a build up of issues with school that boils over maybe in an entirely inappropriate direction.

My policy with emails to school is to sleep on it then cut out half the words in the morning. Most of the adverbs/adjectives for starters. Sometimes the conciliatory words too as too much understanding of the other viewpoint can obscure the issue and just encourage people to walk all over you. So they're usually brief and factual. I hope that doesn't come across as aggressive. It's how we're encouraged to communicate in business, let people know what the problem is and how you want to solve it in minimal words.

I'm absolutely terrible at asserting myself face to face and at thinking on my feet how to say what I need so yes do prefer to communicate by email. Saves everyone time.

I wonder if some of the problem is parents being wrong about things rather than the way they communicate. We're not at the detentions stage yet, but if little Johnny really had been given detention or isolation for something that someone else did, it would be quite urgent to deal with it before the actual punishment occurs right?

The only email I sent in anger as it were was when 4 yr old DS suddenly burst into floods of tears at bedtime and told us how some children had been "fighting" him for weeks and he didn't want to go to school any more. That one got an urgent to teacher cc to head as I could not send him back into school without a promise that it had been dealt with and didn't want to be springing it on them at drop off. Happy to report they did indeed sort it out same day.

I would also say I don't know what the situation is in your areas but please do not assume parents have chosen the school and accepted the policies. For many of us there is no choice or the other choice has even worse policies.