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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why how some parents think abusive emails to teachers are OK?

101 replies

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 09/12/2018 20:54

I left the teaching profession a few years ago. Met up with a few ex-colleagues and we spent part of the evening talking about work, and it reminded me quite a few abusive/demanding/threatening/passive-aggressive emails I got as a teacher, which is something I don't experience at all in my new job. Made me wonder- what makes people think this is suitable to write to anyone like if they were some sort of lesser form of life?

Most of those people were professionals and I don't believe they would get away with writing abusive emails like this to their clients or co workers, and they would most certainly kick off if they were to get an email from a teacher in the same tone they wrote theirs.

I sometimes see parents here 'fuming' over things, it would be so lovely if instead of fuming everyone tried to just be nicer?

I once got an email written at 9PM on a Sunday about a parent 'fuming' over a detention set for their child for an undone homework their child SAID they completed. Which they did not, but anyway, parents got a different story and their child always tells the truth etc etc. At 8 am on Monday another angry email demanding immediate reply, and at 12 another email copying the headteacher that they want to take this disgraceful lack of response on my behalf up with the management. I haven't even seen the first two until I got to work, and taught full day with a break time duty, not that the parent cared. Or a parent who clearly has not read school policies before selecting a school for their child, and then spend weeks arguing that such or such rule is disgraceful, and how they even asked around their friends who were of the same opinion that it was pointless and so on and so forth.

Just some examples, as I experienced or saw others experience far, far worse, which I don't want to write about as some would be quite revealing.

I know there are some unacceptable things schools do do, but many other issues could be solved, or would not exist in first place, if people were a tiny bit more composed and treated others like they want to be treated.

Is it unreasonable to expect a civil communication, whatever the circumstances?

OP posts:
MaxineReynolds · 09/12/2018 21:59

I think the possible rudeness is due in part to frustration. I’ve never written a rude email to a teacher but find schools in general so hopeless at communicating and following through on things that should be done it’s not really a surprise to me. There are also an awful lot of ‘bad’ teachers out there still teaching and quite frankly shouldn’t be. I don’t think the respect is there anymore and sometimes I can understand why.

Sethis · 09/12/2018 21:59

YANBU

It's one of the problems of the digital age. People now have the ability to abuse you 24/7 via email and social media.

Northernparent68 · 09/12/2018 22:00

It’s unacceptable, however the behaviour of teachers in the 1980s, the militancy, strikes, progressive teaching practices, caused a complete collapse in confidence in the teaching profession.

loubluee · 09/12/2018 22:00

This is what I don’t get.

My ds say they got a detention, I say what did you do? Then say serve you right. They have their phone taken off them and couldn’t get it back at the end of the day as the teacher was busy? Why did they take off you? Then tough luck it’s your own fault.

I always side with their teachers, after all they were doing something to get the punishment. I honestly don’t understand this arguing against them??

dorisdog · 09/12/2018 22:11

Wow. I've never emailed a teacher. I email the head of year, to arrange meeting etc, to discuss issues. I didn't even know you could email teachers directly. I would have assumed that if you had a problem with a particular teacher, you contact their head of year.

Don't see the issue with sending emails at 9pm, though. When else would people who work send emails? You don't have to open them, then.

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 09/12/2018 22:12

This is my ex husband, he is so rude to the teachers , barges himself in and sends rude emails. Questions them on ridiculous things and then says hes not interested in their education so doesn't do any of their homework. The sad truth is its just an extension of his utter disrespect for anyone esp anyone in the system (if that makes sense). Hes socially unaware and very self riotous. I swear that the teachers must have to spend more time on these issues than actually teaching, its very very unfair. I am forever apologising to someone at the bloody school, be it a teacher or a parent!
I have seen several other parents being rude to teachers and teaching assistants, complaining that their children shoes are on the wrong feet etc etc. If you dont like it teach your children to put them on their correct feet, we put far too much responsibility on teachers.

LifeImplosionImminent · 09/12/2018 22:17

I do agree that there's no need for abuse or entitled behaviour but not all teachers are saints in my experience and I've had to contact the head of department or headteacher a couple of times to address where a teacher has not behaved fairly. In both those situations the head has conceded that the teacher was in the wrong.

I've never been abusive or demanded out of hours contact but no one is above reproach where my children are concerned.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 09/12/2018 22:29

I much prefer an abusive email than abuse in person.

Coyoacan · 09/12/2018 22:32

I'm from the days before email but I was of the opinion, rightly or wrongly, that if I picked fights with the teacher, they could take it out on my child. As it was, the only time I did have a serious problem with a teacher, I changed my child's school.

Isleepinahedgefund · 09/12/2018 22:35

It's amazing how free people feel over the internet, they (mostly) wouldn't say the same face to face but the removal of personal interaction makes them forget themselves.

In my very professional job, am currently dealing with an also professional who thinks it is fine to be nice as pie on the phone and then follow it up with abusive emails. It's baffling.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 09/12/2018 22:39

Sending abusive emails is never acceptable. Expecting an immediate response is ridiculous as is imagining your child is perfect and always truthful. Parents also need to accept that teachers are busy and pick their battles in terms of what is worth pursuing.

That said of course there are parents with very genuine grievances and there are certainly schools that have failed children badly and sometimes parents do need to be forceful (never aggressive or abusive) to tackle the issue.

Reythelastjedi · 09/12/2018 22:40

In my case, it was because her actions resulted in me losing £200 the day before I went on holiday. She didn't even have the courtesy to phone me. Just ignored all my calls. So yes, she got a shitty email and I made a formal complaint to the head.
Appreciate most teachers aren't this useless, but I'll complain if I feel it's necessary.

echt · 09/12/2018 22:41

It’s unacceptable, however the behaviour of teachers in the 1980s, the militancy, strikes, progressive teaching practices, caused a complete collapse in confidence in the teaching profession

Of course.Hmm

truckinit · 09/12/2018 22:44

Don't make life difficult for yourself.

Don't set detentions for missed homework.

I've been teaching 15 years. I can only think of one arsey parent - maybe two, but one was just upset.

AppleKatie · 09/12/2018 22:50

I’ve been teaching over 10 years. Which makes me one of the more experienced members of staff at my school.

I was under 10 at the end of the 80s.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to still be holding a grudge towards an entire profession because of the perceived conduct of almost 30 years ago.

😂

BringMeTea · 09/12/2018 22:51

YANBU. I once worked in a school overseas where staff emails were NOT given to parents but parents then rang the poor receptionist to pass on their very important missive. No joke I had to ring a parent back every day for a whole school year! Not ringing them was verboten. It was hellish. I left at the end of the year unsurprisingly. The 'managemnt' tried to get me to stay on. No chance pal.

noblegiraffe · 09/12/2018 22:53

It turns out that the people who write shit on twitter and abusive comments below the line on news articles can also be parents.

rupertpenryswife · 09/12/2018 23:03

I am not a teacher but have primary dc and have witnessed first hand abuse of teachers by parents in front of my daughters class, I was gob smacked I honestly can't believe that parents think that is acceptable. I work in the NHS and am so fed up with the verbal abuse I take, it has become daily and it can be really hard to take but, I am a nurse providing a free service so have to accept this abuse.

I think a poster up thread hit the nail on the head it's a 'free service' and they are entitled.

iamthere123 · 09/12/2018 23:27

@Coyoacan I'm not saying that you were one of 'those' parents, but I've had a few of those and if anything it makes me nicer to the child - I feel sorry for them having to deal with having such an excruciatingly embarrassing parent!

Iamrightok · 09/12/2018 23:33

What I am struck by is how quickly parents complain or send abusive emails but rarely do I ever get thanked when I go above and beyond to help a student or offer them enriching experiences outside the curriculum.

Greensleeves · 09/12/2018 23:37

I think people have different thresholds for what constitutes "abusive", but I agree with the poster who said that sometimes it's necessarily to be more forceful than one would like in order to be heard.

The squeaky wheels get squeakier when there isn't enough oil to go around, I suppose. Underresourcing in schools is a human disaster for everyone involved. And so unnecessary.

iLoveFoood · 09/12/2018 23:51

Because some people are scumbags with no manners. No one in their right mind would write an abusive email or letter to a teacher or anyone you know in a 'professional' dynamic

iLoveFoood · 09/12/2018 23:53

I work for the medical card and you wouldn't believe the idiots that get angry at you for not speeding up their free benefit process Grin 'but I AM entitled to it!!!' 'Well, Mary, the whole point of the application is to determine that'

SachaStark · 10/12/2018 00:05

I was recently off work for three weeks quite seriously ill, constant pain, hospitalised, etc. My head of department set good quality cover work for me, and they got a great supply in.

Still didn't stop THREE parents from sending abusive emails blaming me for ruining their children's educations which I had to open on my first day back. I was still feeling very low, but well enough for work, but those really made me Sad

The children were much more understanding, and very lovely to me when I returned- great, hulking Year 10 boys squealing, "Miss you're baaaack!" down the corridor made me feel better.

I just wonder why some humans have a desire to make somebody else's hard day that little bit worse for them.

incallthebloodytime · 10/12/2018 00:16

I think from a parents POV it can be frightening when there's a situation in school that seems to either be being handled badly or not handled at all

But I don't think a child being given a form of punishment such as a detention is call for an abusive email

And strong emails don't need to be abusive

Tbh even if my child is told off unfairly, I will still support the teacher. I wasn't there - he/she was and I don't want to undo their authority without all the facts. They can always apologise if actually they are wrong.

We had a situation where a parent was involving other parents to the point it felt like a gang on a teacher - I skipped ranks and informed the school, to discover I wasn't alone and many had already done so. I felt incredibly bad for the teacher and now just eye roll the parent when she isn't looking