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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take 7 year old to a funeral?

41 replies

UbiquitousDust · 09/12/2018 17:21

He is mature for his age.

Great grandad has died (partners grandad). Son and GG weren't close and he hasn't seen him for about a year as great grandad wasn't up for it (cancer) but they enjoyed each other's company.

Son was sad when we told him and needed a cuddle and chat but he'll be OK. Great grandad would have liked the idea of him saying goodbye formally.

Wanted general thoughts before I ask son if he wants to come. If I ask son then obviously it would be his choice.

If he came I'd sit at the back with him so we could leave if he needed to. Non-religious service and probably won't be any readings so will be short. Partner will sit near front with his family.

Had to do this when partners grandmother died but son was only a couple of months old and exclusively breastfed so no choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
UbiquitousDust · 09/12/2018 17:23

Meant to add - I suspect most people will be stiff upper lip, including my partner but there will be some tears from a few people.
Partner isn't sure about it

OP posts:
Oddsocksandmeatballs · 09/12/2018 17:25

If he wants to go then I see no reason not to take him.

Sirzy · 09/12/2018 17:25

I think at 7 then giving him the choice is the right move, but be prepared to (or have someone else there ready to) take him out if he finds it all too much

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 09/12/2018 17:27

I gave my DC the choice at that age when their great grandad died. DD decided to come to the church service but not the crem, DS decided to do both. They knew they could leave at any time if they wanted to which I think helped. All children are different though so I think you'll get a split MN decision

MilkyCuppa · 09/12/2018 17:30

YABU. I was 21 before I attended a funeral. It’s not appropriate for kids and likely to be distressing.

HildaZelda · 09/12/2018 17:32

Yes, I think it would be fine. My FIL isn't well at the moment. Realistically he doesn't have long left. All of his grandchildren will be at his funeral, mostly teenagers, but the youngest is 7. He's in hospital at the moment and the 7 year old has been to see him there.

Worieddd · 09/12/2018 17:34

Take him.

Distressing? Why do people pussy foot around funerals so much? I just don’t get it. Kids should know about death and funerals.

When my grandad died 2 years ago they brought the body home and we all sat round him including all the little uns. It was lovely

CherryPavlova · 09/12/2018 17:35

Perfectly acceptable. His great grandfather was assumedly of an age when death was hardly surprising. We shouldn’t be hiding death away. It’s part of being human just as much as birth is.

Mine were generally curious rather than distressed. The only time I saw near distress was when they were altar serving at a child from their primary schools funeral.

shesaysgoes · 09/12/2018 17:36

I agree kids handle things differently but they can also be very resilient can't they?

I think giving your DD the opportunity to attend if he wishes is a good idea, with the option to pop outside if he feels to overwhelmed. As sad as it is, he will be facing lots of funerals in his lifetime.

I attended my granddads funeral at about 8 years old. I found it rather odd, I didn't find it particularly upsetting. I think I get more upset now as an adult than I did as a child

Em3978 · 09/12/2018 17:38

My DS was the same age when my Grandad died and he came with us. Grandad was part of his life, DS saw him become ill and was told when he died. He dealt with it incredibly well and only saw the positive side of 'no more suffering'. There was no question at the funeral; he was in the car with us, sat at the front with us and understood everything. He was fussed-over at the wake (even though he actually hates that!) and was treated just the same as the rest of us that had lost a dear relative.
He'd been to weddings and christenings and in a way this explained to him what happens at the end of life and how we celebrate someone.

HildaZelda · 09/12/2018 17:38

@MilkyCuppa, to be honest I find THAT more disturbing. You didn't see a dead body until you were 21 and I think that's why you have issues with children going to a funeral. I was taken to funerals since I was a small child, so a body never had any effect on me. My friend didn't go to her first funeral until she was 18 and completely freaked out when she saw the body and ran from the room.
It's not 'frightening' for children unless people make it that.

Hohocabbage · 09/12/2018 17:41

I think experiencing a funeral when you are not particularly distressed can be good practice for one that affects you more. My dc have been to funerals for much loved grandparents - we were all sad, that couldn’t be hidden even if they were not allowed to go.

MustShowDH · 09/12/2018 17:41

I wouldn't, but only as you said they weren't close.

If they were close, its a good chance to say goodbye, get feelings out etc.

I went to my first funeral at 7; because a lot of it was over my head (and in a foreign language) it gave me time to focus on the people around me and the distress they were in. I unpicked some of this during therapy as I have real issues with loss. So I realise my opinion on it is heavily influenced by my own negative experience.

Ohyesiam · 09/12/2018 17:42

It’s fone, why shouldn’t your child be involved in the respectful farewells to a dead relative.
If it was a much lived and involved relative it could be overwhelming, but this sounds fine.
I went to convents where the old nuns fried, we viewed their bodies and sang at their funerals at your sons age. It was ok, sobering but ok.

PoutySprout · 09/12/2018 17:42

YABU. I was 21 before I attended a funeral. It’s not appropriate for kids and likely to be distressing.

No, YABU. Death of very close relatives was hidden from me from the age of 3 upwards. Never spoken about. It left me unable to deal with death, and I had a massive reaction when my grandfather died when I was 18.

DD attended her first funeral at 6 months. She’s gone to a number of others, including those that she was very close to. It’s a very important part of grieving that a child has the option to attend.

There are others that have died that she didn’t have close relationships with. She didn’t attend those (neither did I).

Creatureofthenight · 09/12/2018 17:45

If he wants to go and you think he’ll be ok then absolutely take him. A lot of people in this country have a weird attitude to death. I don’t think it does children any harm to be involved in the process of grieving and saying goodbye. I first went to a funeral (and saw the person in the coffin) when I was 4 but I’m part Irish, that’s normal over there.

maddiemookins16mum · 09/12/2018 17:46

Yes I would take him and do what you’re planning to do at the back.

Ladymargarethall · 09/12/2018 17:47

All my father's grandchildren were offered the option to come to his funeral. Four of the nine, aged between 7 and 12, came. My mother was glad they were there. They were used to going to church though which probably helped.

Flamingosnbears · 09/12/2018 17:50

I was seven when I attended my Grandma's Funeral, I was close to her but it was a heart wrenching experience and has stayed with me. if I could I would make the decision not to go and remember them as they where, I personally don't think a funeral is a place for children.

Dockray · 09/12/2018 17:54

Ds2 is 7 and went to MiL's funeral a few weeks ago. It was just a crem service so over really quick. He's a sensitive child and he did have a few tears but it wasn't overwhelming for him. He then had an absolute fabulous time at the wake being spoilt rotten by various relatives and running around with his siblings and cousin. His Nanna would have been pleased he was there.

MustShowDH · 09/12/2018 17:55

@Flamingo Sorry to hear that. I feel the same (see my post a few above.)

Poodles1980 · 09/12/2018 17:58

Death is part of life and kids should understand in an age appropriate that it happens. Funerals are part of that

mummyhaschangedhername · 09/12/2018 18:02

My grandfather died last week, we only have a service at the crem only. I have 4 children and my aunties family were horrified when it was indicated they may be coming.

3 of my 4 intend to come, ages 4 and 7 (twins), my 9 year old doesn't want to go. I left the option to them and explained what happens. All of mine have been to funerals before, my daughter has been to two at the same crem last year.

I don't really see why they wouldn't. But I fully leave the option to them and answered their questions when they raised them, I think you need to know your children and explain the situation.

I do understand that some people don't feel it's the place for children, but then 50 years ago it was seen as inappropriate for women to attend too. It's their Great-Bampi and they loved him, they understand death, they want to pay their respects, I don't see any reason why they can't attend, I don't even see why they can't be sad, or see other people sad, it's a normal reaction and I don't see the need to avoid them seeing it.

Willow1992 · 09/12/2018 18:02

Hilda I went to lots of funerals as a child and young adult and have never seen a dead body, they have all been closed casket. It would be a little strange for me to see a dead body, but I certainly wouldnt run out screaming like some of these extreme examples. I agree with you about children and death though.

TeacupDrama · 09/12/2018 18:02

My DD was 7 last year when her granny died; my MIL she was 92 and had dementia we took her to the funeral and the burial she was fine, she was not that close to her granny as we lived 200 miles away and she had had dementia since DD was 4
DD was fine with service she is used to going to church we are Christians so obviously for us we talk about heaven but she understood; was a bit sad but not crying but came away £25 richer as she kept being slipped fivers by those impressed with her behaviour,
I think it is fine to take children to funerals babies are easy ( you just take them out if they cry a lot) the difficult age is 1-4 you really can't have toddlers running around; once school age they get used to sitting in one place for 30 minutes or so so should manage service.

I think a great grandparent who he knows but is not devastated about losing is a good first funeral I would take him if he wants to go