To take 7 year old to a funeral?

[UbiquitousDust]

He is mature for his age.

Great grandad has died (partners grandad). Son and GG weren't close and he hasn't seen him for about a year as great grandad wasn't up for it (cancer) but they enjoyed each other's company.

Son was sad when we told him and needed a cuddle and chat but he'll be OK. Great grandad would have liked the idea of him saying goodbye formally.

Wanted general thoughts before I ask son if he wants to come. If I ask son then obviously it would be his choice.

If he came I'd sit at the back with him so we could leave if he needed to. Non-religious service and probably won't be any readings so will be short. Partner will sit near front with his family.

Had to do this when partners grandmother died but son was only a couple of months old and exclusively breastfed so no choice.

My DD chose not to go to my stepmum's funeral at 8 and was fine (she stayed with my mum for the service) as did my 7 year old nephew but he had a really hard time coping with the grief. He had to have counselling and I do think he missed an important part of the grieving process. Obviously not essential as DD coped ok but in hindsight I might have encouraged her to come.

As for not seeing a dead body until 21 - I've been to plenty of funerals and I've never seen a dead body and I'm in my 40s.

Funerals are perfect places for children. Take him.

YANBU at all. My DC have all been to funerals (ages 8-14) and when their Great-Granda dies (he’s 94 so it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone) they will all be there.

The older two went to the funeral on my Granny when they were 5 & 2 along with their cousins. The girls all had party dresses on and my Granny would have loved it - it also really made my Granda smile.

They’ve also all been to the funeral of a family friend who died in a car accident, and the older 2 have been to funerals of friends’ grandparents as a way of supporting their friends.

Death is a normal part of life and funerals are a norma part of death.

(Full disclosure though - I’m from Ireland (although don’t live there now) and according to posters on other threads: we love a good funeral )

We've had an infant death (SIDS at 6m) and stillbirth in my family. Very close together. All the children in the family at the time (3, 5, 9, if irc) were at the funerals as part of their grieving process too. It helped explain what had happened. The children were the infant's siblings so I don't know if that makes any difference.

But either way, in our family it's all just treated with honesty and children are taken to funerals.

My dd didn't attend my db funeral, she was only 5 and we were finding it so difficult dealing with it as it was ,I wouldn't have been able to deal with anyone else's emotions on that day, however she did attend the interment of his ashes a few months later, and at 6 she attended my mother's funeral. She's nearly 10 and will be attending fils funeral in the next couple of weeks. I felt she didn't really understand where her beloved uncle had gone when he died, and had a few difficult weeks afterwards. She seemed to come to terms with my mother's death much more easily after attending the funeral and seeing the coffin etc.

I was about that age when my grandma dies and I wasn't given the choice to attend. I wish I had been allowed to go.

You offer your child the choice. The reading I did for my six year old on the subject suggested not being given the choice can lead to resentment in adulthood. Those who chose not to go were ok. Those who were prevented from attending were not.

Personally though, if a child has next to no contact with the deceased then I might avoid it on their behalf. OTH, my child (attending their GP'S funeral recently) declared it a great day out. Had enjoyed hanging out with friends and family. Church and crematorium services with option of leaving at any point.

Mine have gone to a great aunt's funeral and three of their grandparents funerals. It is important for them to say goodbye to people they loved. They have been aged from 1-10 when they have been. They have seen grandparents in hospital as they were dying too to say goodbye.

When my husband died i asked both of our sons if they wanted to go. Son 8 of course wanted to say goodbye and was holding my hand all through, son 12 helped carry his dads coffin and than sat next to me and held my other hand and we all cried together. I’m sure it helped them understand and it was a day I’m sure helped them come to terms with a very sudden death.
Just ask in a very none emotional way after telling him what happens and then support him as you have said. I hope whatever he decides it goes as well as it can.

When my grandson died of cot death nearly 13 years ago, aged 3 months, my other daughter's sons were 6, 5 & 2 years old. The 6 year old asked to attend the funeral. He coped.
My DD10 was was 8 when she attended a funeral. It was my dad's brother, she was sad but ok. A week later I attended my cousins funeral, DD10 didn't come to that as she didn't know him..
I think as you know your son best you are the best judge as to how he will cope. Let him know he can leave if he wants. And explain to him what will happen before you go. I was 11 at my first funeral (my grandad's)....I was shocked when the curtains closed as he was to be cremated. No one had explained what was going to happen. 40 years later I still remember the shock I had.

At my 3 year old dds funeral 1/3 of the congregation were children, ranging in age from 3 weeks to 15. At the wake my eldest sons entire class turned up, it was lovely seeing 30 5 year olds running round. It was an incredibly hard day but one that is remembered by all the children as "Pippas party".
I cannot for the life of me understand why you wouldnt allow a child to attend a funeral, the facts that you find out about the deceased can stay with you a life time, it is a remeberance of a life lived, I learnt that my gran worked in a chocolate factory before the war!

I went to open casket funerals as a kid and it was fine. I did not go to a closed casket funeral until I was an adult. I have been more upset as an adult as I understand death now and the impact on those left behind.
I think a funeral for kids where their parents are very distressed would be hard. Because kids generally find it very hard if their parents are very distressed. But otherwise it should be fine.

That’s lovely phillipa and having his friends around him must have really helped your Son

Offer him the choice, but have a backup plan of someone who can take him out if he changes his mind at the last minute. If he doesn't want to go to the service, he should still be offered to go to the reception/ wake if the family holds one afterwards.

And, if he's a direct descendant of the deceased, he should have a place sitting with the family, not hidden at the back.

I recently decided not to take my 7yo ds to my nan's funeral - As in my opinion he is too sensitive and would have found it distressing. I also couldn't find a way to explain sensitively without upsetting him about the cremation. If he had been less sensitive I would have taken him to say goodbye, but for my ds it wasn't appropriate. Your ds might be different - it's your call on whether he would be able to handle it really.

I went to my uncle's funeral when I was 2. The circumstances were very upsetting but it was explained simply and not hidden. My dad didn't have a funeral as he donated his body to science but he had a requiem mass and I was there aged 6. Personally I don't see any reason to avoid taking children to funerals. Being sensitive to their needs and the needs of others may sometimes mean they don't go e.g. if they don't want to or they have behaviour issues (DS2) and it's a very sombre and traditional service but a blanket no children at funerals is odd.