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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To enjoy the time whilst my children are with my ex

45 replies

Workreturner · 09/12/2018 16:54

Single mum of 8 and 5 year old.
No family support whatsoever.

My children are loving, polite, fun, kind, joyful and “easy”. I love my time with them. They go to my ex’s 2x a month from Friday after school to Monday morning one fortnight and then Friday ti Sunday the next fortnight. Works out to be 5 Nights a month

And I really Enjoy that time. I go to yoga, I sit in a coffe shop and catch up on messages, I catch up on housework and laundry, I see friends for brunch, I flake out on sofa at 3pm and watch a film.

But there’s an ever present gnawing feeling that I shouldn’t feel like this. Somehow it is a reflection of me being a sub standard mother that I’m fine, in fact happy, to be apart from my children every other weekend.

It’s odd I’m not looking for reassurance. I’m looking for brutal honesty!

Tia

OP posts:
worthygirl · 09/12/2018 17:00

There is nothing wrong at all with enjoying your time off! Don’t give yourself a hard time about it

kitkatsky · 09/12/2018 17:02

Don't beat yourself up! I used to hate it because ex used it as an opp to torture me and indoctrinate DD, but everyone needs a break x

LittleLlamaontheduskyroad · 09/12/2018 17:06

No, don't feel guilty! You definitely don't need to spend the weekend crying and gnashing your teeth. Parenting is hard; it's nice to have a break.

I get a couple of days child free per week and I really enjoy them too, so if you're a bad mother, I am as well!

donajimena · 09/12/2018 17:06

I'm delighted if I ever get a free night. I'm not a mummy martyr. I value my free time.

cockeyedoptimist · 09/12/2018 17:07

If you’re wrong to feel like that - then so am I
My 11yr old is the best company, loveliest kid in the world :) . But every other weekend , when he’s at his dads I do exactly what I want. ( stay up late , wake up late , meet friends ) And I absolutely love it
Being a single mum is tough . So don’t feel bad about enjoying the break

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/12/2018 17:08

Omg that sounds like bliss— sorry I know being a single parent, separation etc can be awful but set time to myself sounds blissful and i only have 1 DC

Original poster
Workreturner · 09/12/2018 17:09

thank you

Hopefully one day I won’t feel as though this is a testament to me somehow being deficient.

I went away with girlfriends with a few nights and all saying on drive back how much they missed their children. But because I do so regularly, I didn’t. That didn’t feel good

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 09/12/2018 17:10

Anyone can welcome a break whether you’re in a relationship or not

Enjoy it

Crimbobimbo · 09/12/2018 17:11

YANBU. I'm not a single parent, why shouldn't you enjoy that time.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 09/12/2018 17:14

Of course YANBU, I think almost every parent relishes free time.

Doidontimmm · 09/12/2018 17:19

I LOVE it lol! Mine go every second Fri - Sun and they are teens. I think the break makes me a better mum as I’m rested & had some me time.

carterscutie85 · 09/12/2018 17:20

Don't feel bad. I've got another baby on the way any day now but I sure as heck did enjoy my quiet days when the kids were at school lol. I've traded that in for my new baby but it's not wrong to enjoy the quiet.

n0ne · 09/12/2018 18:23

OMG, I would kill for 5 days to myself a month! Doesn't mean I don't love my 2 DC, but everybody needs me-time for their mental health

MustShowDH · 09/12/2018 18:26

Don't feel bad.

I sometimes fanaticise about divorcing purely to get EOW off - now THAT'S bad!

ChristmasFlary · 09/12/2018 18:31

I have a similar arrangement with my ex. I really need the 4 days a month that l have "off" to recharge physically and mentally.

Have to say us splitting was one of the best thing's to happen as l feel l am a better parent now as l get a break - l got nothing previously as Ex was always out seeing OW doing his hobbies

JudasPrudy · 09/12/2018 18:34

'I went away with girlfriends with a few nights and all saying on drive back how much they missed their children. But because I do so regularly, I didn’t. That didn’t feel good'

Yeah but they presumably have partners at home to share have the workload. You don't so your free time is all in one big lump rather than lots of little bits. We all enjoy time away from our kids, that's why we all count down the hours to bedtime some days!

Cornettoninja · 09/12/2018 18:35

God no, you earn that time by being solely responsible the rest of the month. That’s no small feat.

Your kids are with someone who loves them and they love, you’ve not abandoned them. Put your feet up and breathe out for a bit.

Oysterbabe · 09/12/2018 18:55

Yanbu. I'm considering divorcing my husband even though we are happy just so that I can have a similar set up.

YetAnotherUser · 09/12/2018 19:00

I share the care of my kids 50/50, and while I love having them with me I love shipping them off to their mum for a week so I can get stuff done at work and around the house, not to mention leading a social life and dating etc!

Jezzifishie · 09/12/2018 19:01

Oh no, you're not being unreasonable at all!! My DD and DH are going on holiday without me for 5 days (different Christmas term dates). I am so looking forward to it - I've got hair and nail appointments booked, I'm going to enjoy relaxing in the evenings without constantly having an ear out for a little voice upstairs. I'll still be at work, but I bet I'll feel refreshed afterwards! Grin

Notacluethisxmas · 09/12/2018 19:05

My son has just been with his dad for 4 nights. It's bliss.

I know he is looked after and cared for. So I am happy. Me and Dp have had a great time. Even just getting up for work on Thursday and actually just going to work, no school run was amazing.

I adore my son and if his dad was a waster, I would be more than happy to have him all the time. I also get that it's hard for some people at first. But ds dad it a great parent. Ds loves being there, we is happy and well cared for. I also know that if we missed me and wanted to come back early, exh would call. Dp would be happy cancelling plans, and we would come home. No drama.

So yes I do enjoy my child free time and don't feel an ounce of guilt. Me and we are now cuddled up on the sofa and this is a different type of bliss.

Anyone who tried to make me fell bad can fuck right off. Wink

PottyPotterer · 09/12/2018 19:08

I'm a single parent who's ds stays over at his grandparents once a week and has done for 10 years. I can hands down say the regular breaks make me a better parent. He recently went away with family for 5 days and I thought I'd miss him but honestly it flew by and I could easily have done another 5. It's actually the best of both worlds imo.

gggrrrargh · 09/12/2018 19:08

I’m a single mum but with a good relationship with ex, he has our daughter a few nights a month.

She loves it, I know she is with someone who loves her and will take care of her, and I can do my things! Go for a run, have a nights sleep without the hall light on, eat Pringles for dinner etc Grin

Enjoy!

HugeAckmansWife · 09/12/2018 19:10

My ex tries to make me feel bad about this - if he tries to drop one of his 4 nights a month and I refuse he tries to play it that I am terrible for wanting 'time off'. Dickhead can say what he likes but until he does all the school runs whilst juggling a full on full time job and everything else he can jog on. I love my kid free time and don't give it up lightly. I will even go to some lengths to facilitate the travel is that is used as an excuse. Single parenting is really hard so of course you enjoy your time off.

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/12/2018 19:12

YABU for feeling guilty.
YADNBU for enjoying the time and not missing them.

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