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AIBU?

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Original poster

when did tantrums become 'meltdowns' ?

91 replies

paintinmyhairAgain · 09/12/2018 16:22

this seems to be a thing nowadays 'ds had a meltdown in tescos' er, okay so he lay on the floor and started screaming and yelling, nuclear reactors can have meltdowns, kids have tantrums because they can't always do what they want / have what they want. it just seems to be a faddy expression until another equally silly expression comes along to replace it. [disclaimer i've had 6 dc includ. special needs, so i am well versed.
hard hat finally on

OP posts:

RibbonAurora · 09/12/2018 17:05

No, it's the other way round, meltdown was always a term anyone could use for a more than usually violent emotional reaction which tantrum or extreme temper or distress doesn't cover. Now it appears to have been appropriated to be the sole preserve of those with special needs. Sorry but It's still a word anyone can use, yes, even if a bit hyperbolically if they choose. It's not like using OCD to describe overly fussy behaviour in someone who doesn't have OCD or bipolar for someone who isn't bipolar. Now that's offensive. Get over it.

Lynne45 · 09/12/2018 17:11

In my experience:
Tantrum - not getting something they want.
Meltdown - smell or loud noise sets them off and nothing calms them.

Winlinbin · 09/12/2018 17:12

I’m fascinated by people saying tantrums stop when the child gets what it wants. I have never given a DC what they are tantrumming for. If I have said no firmly and decisively enough to provoke a tantrum it’s because I meant ‘No’, not ‘No, unless you really kick off in which case I’ll back down for a quiet life’. My DC learned that while my mind might be changed by persuasive argument, flattery or negotiation, kicking and yelling wouldn’t work.

Sandsnake · 09/12/2018 17:14

My DS is three and I don't think that he has SEN (certainly none diagnosed). Since babyhood he has had what I would term 'meltdowns', agreed by my Mum who was a SEN teacher. These would be caused by seemingly nothing and were absolutely NOT about getting his own way but more a complete and utter loss of control. I think I am pretty good at dealing with him but these meltdowns were long, scary and very, very loud. There was NOTHING that could be done to help calm him or bring him round in these. I think there might possibly be sensory issues at play, although I think he just has a personality that is highly sensitive / strung (in parts).

Luckily he is growing out of them a bit, but not completely. He has also had / has regular tantrums. These feel very, very different, are usually about getting something and can be stopped by giving him what he wants (which I don't do!). They peter out relatively quickly. In these he has not lost control, but is just really cross.

The last thing I would ever want to do would be to try and compare DS' 'meltdowns' to what SEN children / parents go through. And I would not really talk about them in these terms to others (why would I?!). However, I can tell with absolute certainty that there is a difference between his regular tantrums and the 'meltdowns'. You'd probably need to see them to believe it.

PickAChew · 09/12/2018 17:15

Sod your disclaimer. That's like making a racist comment and trying to qualify it by saying you have black friends.

Both of mine have SN and their meltdowns are usually nothing to do with not having their own way.

starlight45 · 09/12/2018 17:16

They didn't. A tantrum stops when the person gets what they want. A meltdown is part of autism. It's usually because the person has a sensory issues that are overwhelming. It's due to differences in the structure of the brain that means that sensory information isn't processed in the same way as a neurotypical brain. This then causes what is called a meltdown. There's lots of information online about it.

ChampionThreadKiller · 09/12/2018 17:17

Probably around the same time that conferences became symposiums 😒

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 09/12/2018 17:17

People might misuse the words but there's a massive distinction. A tantrum is basically an epic sulk and is manipulative. If you just have the kid exactly what they wanted they'd be happy again immediately. A meltdown happens when the child has lost all rational thought (often due to over stimulation or because their emotions are just too big). Even if you gave the child everything they asked for it wouldn't stop, they're just not in control of it. More common in toddlers, younger kids and kids with asd or related conditions.

cariadlet · 09/12/2018 17:18

I agree with those posters who said that the essential difference between a tantrum and a meltdown is the element of control.

When dd was at primary school we were walking into school and she was having a full blown foot-stamping tantrum over something. As soon as she realised that a teacher had seen her she became embarrassed and stopped immediately. That was just a tantrum.

A meltdown is when the primitive, emotional part of the brain takes over. There's no point reasoning with a child (or adult) having a meltdown. They genuinely can't take in what you are saying and are far from able to be reasoned with.

MissMooMoo · 09/12/2018 17:19

My mum always called them 'meltdowns' and I am in my 30's
From Canada if that makes any difference

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 09/12/2018 17:19

My eldest has no sen but when he was younger had meltdowns. One trigger was I'm assuming low blood sugar. He would just scream and couldn't talk didn't want anything (even if you offered him every treat in the book it wouldn't have stopped it). If you gave him something to eat it would stop.

corythatwas · 09/12/2018 17:23

I am really struggling with this idea that the world consists of children with ASD on the one hand and NT children with no serious problems on the other.

Perhaps I am feeling extra sensitive just at the moment- my youngest has just revealed that he has been struggling with depression since September, has tried and failed to get medical help, but hasn't wanted to tell us because he felt we went through enough with his sister.

And now here are all these posters lining up to tell me that unless what we dealt with with his sister meets a very narrow definition of criteria and diagnosis IT JUST DIDN'T HAPPEN. And that I should just spend 2 hours instead with their children to learn what REAL MELTDOWNS LOOK LIKE. If it isn't sensory then it's just not happening.

And I'm knackered and terrified, and terrified this is why my son isn't going to get help- because if you don't look exactly like what they expect then you clearly haven't got a problem and are just being hyperbolic.

MaisyPops · 09/12/2018 17:23

cariadlet
Exactly that.
A tantrum is about control and not getting what they want. You can end a tantrum by giving the child what they want (or sitting it out until the child realises that's not how they get their own way).
With a meltdown you could give the child what they wanted but it wouldn't stop the meltdown.

I think sometimes people use meltdown because they think it sounds better than having a tantrum (e.g. one gives the impression the child can't help it and the other suggests the child is being stroppy).

BumsexAtTheBingo · 09/12/2018 17:25

Tbh it always used to annoy me as a parent of a child with asd when ‘meltdown’ was solely used for times children with asd are distressed as if they are some kind of different species! Children with asd and without can have both tantrums and meltdowns. My child with asd could have a tantrum for effect to try and get something they wanted. They could also have a meltdown if they heard a hoover. My NT child could also have a tantrum to try and get what thet wanted and could also have a meltdown when they were tired and overwhelmed or scared. Tantrum = for the benefit of trying to change someone else’s behaviour and meltdown = I can’t manage right now and nothing anyone else does will change that until I’ve calmed down imo.

MilkyCuppa · 09/12/2018 17:27

“Meltdown” implies that the situation is caused by SN. Whereas “tantrum” is basically admitting you child is naughty and your shitty parenting is at fault.

corythatwas · 09/12/2018 17:28

starlight, if meltdowns are part of autism and autism only, does that mean you think children with other types of SN can't have them? that children with PTSD or other types of trauma, or children with severe MH issues can't have them?

TheDarkPassenger · 09/12/2018 17:29

I’m not diagnosed asd but nearly was. I still have ‘meltdowns’ (I don’t fling myself around anymore) and it’s nothing to do with wanting something specific, to me it feels like I want something but I have no fucking idea what and nothing, absolutely nothing makes it better.

NC11 · 09/12/2018 17:33

Its a misused term in the same way some people misuse the word migraine to mean a headache. Meltdowns and tantrums are not the same nor are migraines and headaches.

Topsy44 · 09/12/2018 17:35

I love the term 'hulking out' mentioned by a pp. Brilliant!

Joinourclub · 09/12/2018 17:35

I don’t think meltdowns only apply to kids with SN, it’s not a medical term! My 5 year old probably has a strop a few times a week, a tantrum once a month and has had maybe 3 meltdowns in his life - on the floor inconsolable for hours.

Lovemusic33 · 09/12/2018 17:35

Tantrums and meltdowns are totally different though people watching may not know which it is (they don’t know the child or the full story), I hate people using the word meltdown when it’s just a toddler tantrum, my daughter has autism and to us a meltdown is much more than a tantrum.

In simple terms...

A tantrum is when a child wants attention, they want something they have been told they can’t have, be it a toy, being told they have to go home or wanting some sweets in a shop, they get told ‘no’ so they scream and shout in hope you will change your mind and they will get the outcome they want.

A meltdown is often when a child (or adult) wants less attention, they are in a situation that’s overwhelming and they want out, sensory overload, anxiety often being the cause. When having a meltdown my daughter doesn’t want me touch her or talk to her though occasionally deep pressure can help, she wants out of the situation but doesn’t know how to get out. A meltdown can last hours, sometimes it can effect the whole day .

ragged · 09/12/2018 17:36

'if they stop after you give them what they want' it's a tantrum

What if you never give them what they want, coz, you know, not supposed to indulge tantrums. Then you'd never know.

I don't like meltdowns = special meaning. Especially bad moment of being upset is as precise as I like it to be. I imagine not every meltdown has same characteristics. If your child recognises you or remember their name then you don't get to call it a meltdown? That's a new one on me.

1996 use of 'meltdown' to describe an adult character (no SN) having a big snit.

Dothehappydance · 09/12/2018 17:37

If a meltdown was unique to those with ASD then getting a diagnosis would be a doddle.

A meltdown isn't always a response to sensory triggers, my ds gets them when he is emotionally overloaded, this may be in a response to not getting what he wants, but your standard 10 year old doesn't lie on the floor in the middle of Asda cos you said no to some trading cards.

My life is difficult enough as it is, without another autism parent deciding that what he experiences isn't a meltdown.

My youngest nt has also had the odd meltdown, she has had enough temper tantrums for me to be able to tell the difference.

Lovemusic33 · 09/12/2018 17:38

And tantrums are totally normal, parents shouldn’t be ashamed, all children have to learn where the boundaries are, they do this by pushing them and testing them.

Shepherdspieisminging · 09/12/2018 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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