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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It’s a xmas one, help!

37 replies

xmasbamechange · 09/12/2018 16:06

Hi everyone; name changed because I’ve already told this story to a few people in RL and don’t want them to see other threads.

Ok so I really have absolutely no idea who is being U so I’m quite happy to be told it’s me, I just need some independent people to be my sounding board.
DH has a very good relationship with my parents, everyone gets along brilliantly and DH has slotted in well to my close family. He doesn’t get along with any of his siblings so his mum really is all he has family wise. She’s a lovely lady and we really get along but there’s a few issues, such as she is very emotionally manipulative but I am understanding as she doesn’t have a partner and I know that they have a close relationship so try not to get involved.

We always go to his mums on xmas day and my parents Boxing Day, no problems. This year she is coming to us because we have a new baby. Fine, no problem. DH mentioned about a month ago about maybe inviting my parents aswell as they go to my aunts in the late afternoon so could effectively come earlier if timing worked out. I misunderstood this and just invited them, not realising that tbf it does really not fit in timing wise with what we had planned, completely except this is my fault.

Now here is my Aibu, over the years my parents have invited his mum to religious festival family get togethers atleast 3 times a year. Regularly include her with our family as my parents really like her and do feel sad for her that she has no partner, parents, aunts or anyone in her life. They have welcomed her into their family and have done this yes because they like her but also because they love my husband. Me and DH include her with my parents in everything. I totally get that xmas day is our thing that we do with his side and that them coming does put a huge spanner in the works but I am so upset how he seemed to feel nothing about just “uninviting” them. I’m not suggesting that they should still definitely come as they do have other plans but he just didn’t seem to feel like it was his problem or anything. We have spoken about it and he did apologise but I’m still so hurt but am not sure if I’m being silly to still be harbouring really upset feelings.
Aibu? Thanks!

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/12/2018 16:14

As it's the first Christmas with the baby you could invite both sets of parents to yours as a one off? You're still seeing your parents Boxint Day aren't you?

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 09/12/2018 16:22

Also I should probably mention that they will
not be offended if I explain the confusion in the slightest and are not that bothered about seeing us xmas day. That’s not really the problem it’s more that I can’t beleive how he just so easily felt like oh well you’ll have to tell them not to come.

OP posts:

Flowerpot2005 · 09/12/2018 16:23

I don't really understand what the huge spanner in the works is tbh.

Clearly this is your husbands issue but I don't get it when your family have been so welcoming, why doesn't he want your parents there & why cannot he not compromise?

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 09/12/2018 16:28

The main issue is that them coming means we would either have to eat much later than we wanted or much earlier as they would be leaving my house at 3:30ish so would either need to be completely finished by then or start eating around 4:00. I also agree with your second point, that I know it’s not what we had agreed by surely we could compromise for them?

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/12/2018 16:29

I'm confused too. Why can't they come now, as your MIL said she doesn't want them there?

CurbsideProphet · 09/12/2018 16:33

Unless you don't have enough chairs I don't see the problem, especially as you have said that they all get on. Why should Christmas day always just be spent with his mum and no one else?

Floralnomad · 09/12/2018 16:34

Just tell your parents what time you plan to eat and leave it to them as to whether they come or not I fail to see the issue really . Having said that I don’t think a routine is a brilliant idea for Christmas as you never know how you will want to change things as your family ages / expands and it can then cause problems trying to alter things that have been set in stone for years IYSWIM .

Flowerpot2005 · 09/12/2018 16:35

oh I see. What time do you normally eat?

cushioncuddle · 09/12/2018 16:38

I think him suggesting to uninvite your parents is thoughtless.
If he has actually uninvited them then that's not great and I would be both angry with him and mortified about how horrid your parents must feel all rolled into one.
You know the situation best. You're probably tired and emotional from lack of sleep and the emotions around having a baby.

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 09/12/2018 16:39

There wouldn’t be a problem in years to come because she does also have all her other children who we normally see at her house. This year the way it has worked out is that the others will not be there.
I think his point is that we are seeing them Boxing Day, the way that works for them at a time that is convenient to them us and my siblings. Xmas day we are seeing his mum and he would like to do it the same way, a time that works for us and what we wanted to do. I don’t really want to get too involved with inviting both sets of parents anyway because I don’t want the pressure in years to come is she is alone on Boxing Day there will be an expectation that we invite her and I’m quite happy to keep it separate.

OP posts:

M4J4 · 09/12/2018 16:41

I think you have been too facilitating to DH and MIL and made a rod for your own back.

Spend next Christmas with your own close family. What happens when you have kids, will they never see your side of the family on Christmas Day?

Don't let things get too entrenched. Your DH has taken things to be a status quo, as evinced by his dismissive attitude to your parents.

Does MIL ever invite your parents to anything?

CurbsideProphet · 09/12/2018 16:43

Sounds like your DP has learned emotional manipulation from his mother.

It doesn't need to be a big issue. Is there something wrong with telling your parents you plan to eat at X o'clock and checking if that fits in with their plans to visit other family members? It sounds like your DP is making this more stressful for you than it needs to be.

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 09/12/2018 16:47

I don’t want to get too side tracked, we do have a conversation every year as to whether we’re both still happy with the arrangement so there really is no issue with that. My parents go to family who for various reasons I do not like to send time with, my sibling always goes to their MIL on xmas day so it is very convenient for me to see my family on Boxing Day as otherwise I wouldn’t see them on xmas day or Boxing Day. Also to be clear if my parents were not going to my aunts and had no plans and could have just fitted in with ours then they could come and there wouldn’t be an issue

OP posts:

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 09/12/2018 16:48

See this is the problem I feel like I have been manipulated but can’t see where

OP posts:

TruffleShuffles · 09/12/2018 17:04

What are your parents going to your aunts for? Presumably not to eat as you’ve invited them to eat with you so can’t they go there at a different time? It seems strange that they visit someone in the middle of Christmas Day but are not eating.

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 09/12/2018 17:23

Not sure why it’s relevant but they do go there to eat, they eat at actual dinner time so around 6:30

OP posts:

CurbsideProphet · 09/12/2018 18:02

I'm not surprised you're not sure if you're being manipulated. Your DP told you to invite your parents, but is now implying that you're ruining Christmas day and making it all complicated by inviting them.

If your parents aren't expecting to eat Christmas dinner with you then just suggest they come late morning, as you'll be eating at lunch ish time?

Your DP must be making this stressful for you, as it isn't really that complicated to work.

TruffleShuffles · 09/12/2018 18:03

Then I’m not sure what this big spanner in the works is? You tell them when you’re eating and surely they just come around a time that fits with that? I can understand your husband not wanting to alter the timings of the day if they are only popping in to see you not spend the day eating with you.

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 09/12/2018 18:08

I suppose this is the problem, my dh doesn’t feel like he can say to them we’re eating at 2:00ish if that suits you then come, he feels like that will be rude as they will obviously say they can’t come. He feels like if they come we have to be accommodating and do it at a time that means they could eat here.

In fairness he didn’t actually tell me to invite them, his words were find out what time they are going to x so we can see if we could work it so they can come to us first and I did go ahead and invite them, that bit is definitely my fault and I would be very very annoyed if it was the other way around.

OP posts:

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 09/12/2018 18:22

I’m trying to paint an honest account of the situation. I’m really hurt but can’t quite work out if that’s fair, he is very very welcoming to my parents normally, he idolises my dad especially so don’t want to paint a dishonest account. I think he just feels like this is about the only thing he actually celebrates with his family ever (whether that’s xmas day or Boxing Day) and wants it to be the way he wants. He’s the one who originally suggested inviting them if it worked.

OP posts:

JudasPrudy · 09/12/2018 18:31

Why can't you just have your dinner at 1 or 1.30 and they don't want to come anyway? Really I don't think you have a problem here, just get on with life.

BreakfastAtLitanies · 09/12/2018 19:16

OP what you've said doesn't actually make sense. You haven't said what the problem is, you just sort of skipped it in the first post. Who's upset? No one seems to be. Why are you hurt, what's happened?

This doesn't make any sense, you haven't mentioned a problem

RandomMess · 09/12/2018 19:38

Why don't you just have a light lunch at 12ish and dinner after they've gone

2019 you'll be choosing eating times around what works for your DC...

Original poster

xmasbamechange · 09/12/2018 20:06

We already have older dc.

BreakfastAtLitanies maybe your right, I’m really conflicted about how I feel which I can see could be confusing to other people.

To summarise DH is upset with me because I’ve gone ahead and invited them when we had already agreed that we were seeing his family on xmas day and he suggested it if it would work with the plans which it obviously doesn’t so wants me to basically uninvite them. He says that he loves my parents but they are getting their family day the next day at a time and in the way that is convenient to them and doesn’t see why he should now have to alter everything for them to also come on xmas day. He would have had no problem with them coming if it had fitted in with the current arrangement.

I’m upset because although I completely understand what he is saying and would have never suggested inviting them myself as we are seeing them the next day, I did invite them in a poor choice of wording whilst speaking with them. My parents will not be offended at all and actually probably said yes out of politeness because knowing them they probably wanted to spend the morning and lunchtime relaxing before driving to my aunts. I’m upset because of his lack of empathy for me in the situation, the way he was so blasé about me just telling them not to come. I’m upset because actually I would have liked him to turn around and say look it’s really not the way I wanted to do it but you’ve asked them now and they do a lot for us and are always so welcoming to me and my mum so just leave it. I may have still decided it was best if they didn’t come but it would have been nice if that’s the way he responded

OP posts:

dippledorus · 09/12/2018 20:08

You went ahead and invited without asking him and you’re seeing them the next day? So both days are with your family?

I wouldn’t like that. Sorry.

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