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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner does favour for neighbour

40 replies

fedupandlookingforchange · 09/12/2018 11:20

AIBU in being mad as hell because he does something for neighbour that takes a few hours when I’d been up all night with sick child (we don’t live together) and needed a break also there are some other jobs I need help with and have been asking for weeks. To avoid drip feed he admits to helping others more than me. I’m seriously considering LTB

OP posts:
testetesting · 09/12/2018 13:59

How can you LTB when it doesn't sound like you're together?

Birdie6 · 09/12/2018 14:01

I don't get it - if you aren't together how can you leave him ?

ScreamingValenta · 09/12/2018 14:04

They're in a relationship but not living together; she can leave the relationship.

Birdie6 · 09/12/2018 14:07

If you don't live together, maybe he doesn't know when you are up all night with a sick child. I just can't get my head around why you'd be partners and have a child together, but not be living together.

HJWT · 09/12/2018 14:09

@Birdie6 Hmm

Sisgal · 09/12/2018 14:11

Is it always the same neighbour he's helping? Is the neighbour male or female?

Seniorschoolmum · 09/12/2018 14:17

It depends. If he’s helped an elderly neighbour with a blown down fence or something like that, he sounds nice.
If he’s agreed to paint his sister’s living room when you’ve asked him to do yours, and sister has a perfectly able partner, then I’d be fed up.
But split from your child’s dad! It’s a bit extreme isn’t it? What do you want him to do? Something that he’s not comfortable with? Have you explained that the task needs to be done before Xmas and booked a spedific time - next weekend?

AmericanEskimoDoge · 09/12/2018 14:19

I'd be upset, too-- especially if he knows you had a hard night and wanted help this weekend.

You say he's admitted that he helps others more than you. Has he explained why that is or acknowledged that it's a problem? If he knows you feel a lack of support (and apparently admits that he could help you more but isn't, for some reason), he should be making more of an effort.

ScreamingValenta · 09/12/2018 14:20

Birdie OP hasn't said her partner is the child's father. OP wants advice on whether she should end her relationship because her partner is unsupportive.

OP - the neighbours he's helping - are they people who'd struggle otherwise, e.g. elderly? If not, I can't see a reason why he'd put their needs before yours, if you have been asking for help over several weeks, so I would say you aren't a priority for him and should think about what you want from the relationship. If it is a true partnership you want, he might not be the one for you.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2018 14:22

Birdie OP hasn't said her partner is the child's father. OP wants advice on whether she should end her relationship because her partner is unsupportive.

Surely the child must be his, otherwise that'd make the OP one hell of a cheeky fucker.

Suebnm · 09/12/2018 14:26

You've been asking your boyfriend to help for weeks and he drops everything to help his neighbour?

Is there a lot you're leaving out of this? Is it your boyfriends child with you? Or someone else's?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 09/12/2018 14:27

I don't think it matters if he is the child's father. If his partner is in need of support then that should come first.

My husband is like this, because he loves an appreciative audience and I don't fawn over him like other people do. At home he's bone idle and does fuck all- less than that if I don't want to organise/pay for everything in advance.

OP it won't get better. Either accept that this is how it is or get out.

ScreamingValenta · 09/12/2018 14:29

Why would OP be cheeky, Worra? He's her partner; she's asked for help when she's struggling in difficult circumstances. The fact that it's when her/their child is sick isn't really relevant - the same would apply if she'd been up all night for some other unavoidable reason. She's asked for help and he's put someone else first - OP is yet to explain whether the other person's need might genuinely be greater.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2018 14:30

I don't think it matters if he is the child's father. If his partner is in need of support then that should come first.

Of course it does in terms of the 'jobs she's been asking him to do for weeks'.

It's her house, she lives in it, not him. If the child isn't his then she should pay someone to do the jobs.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2018 14:32

Screaming, they don't live together. If the child isn't his then he's her boyfriend, not her partner.

Fair enough, they should do bits to help each other out but they're entitled to choose who and when they want to help, under those circumstances.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2018 14:34

There is too much unsaid here.

How long have you been together,
Is it his child
Where is the child's father if not, it would be more normal for rhe fatger to help with his child.

I'm assuming though it is his child because it would make you a grade A cheeky fucker if you expected him to come round and look after your kids whilst you had a break if he wasn't the dad.

ScreamingValenta · 09/12/2018 14:35

she should pay someone to do the jobs.

The same might be said of his neighbours!

The point is, her partner is able and willing to do some jobs, and he's chosen to do them for someone else instead of the OP.

Is that his prerogative? Of course it is; he's entitled to help whoever he likes - but the OP is absolutely right to look at what this suggests in terms of her importance in his life.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2018 14:37

I don't think it matters if he is the child's father. If his partner is in need of support then that should come first

Fuck that for a game of dominoes, dating someone, don't live together and I'm expected to go look after their kids, fix things in their house, maybe do some cooking or cleaning whenever they needed help.

No fucking way. If I chose to do that I will, but I would not be expected to do it, unless I lived there or it was my kids.

ScreamingValenta · 09/12/2018 14:37

If the child isn't his then he's her boyfriend, not her partner.

Confused Since when did it become necessary to have a child with someone before you could call yourself their partner?

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2018 14:37

Yes, the same might be said of the neighbours but he obviously has his reasons for offering to help them instead.

Unless the OP comes back with more info, it's impossible to say whether she's BU or not.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2018 14:38

Since when did it become necessary to have a child with someone before you could call yourself their partner?

Since never.

But clearly I'm saying as they don't live together and if they don't have a child together, they're not partners.

Original poster
fedupandlookingforchange · 09/12/2018 14:39

The child is his. The jobs I need him to do aren’t difficult or skilled usually I would do them but it’s very difficult with a clingy toddler who’s unwell and is a bad sleeper.
The neighbour is elderly and she is always asking him to so small things but this was much bigger and took a good few hours. I thought he was working if he had spare time I naively assumed he’d use it to help.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/12/2018 14:40

Since when did it become necessary to have a child with someone before you could call yourself their partner

They don't even live together.

And agree with worra she needs to clarify further. I've seen people on here call someone their partner when they've known them four weeks and met twice.

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2018 14:40

Can you take the child round to his and get on with the jobs yourself OP?

Or is there anyone like family/friends who could take your DC for a few hours so you can get on with the jobs together?

JudasPrudy · 09/12/2018 14:40

Dumping someone for helping out his elderly neighbour didn't sound great does it Xmas Confused

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