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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL

61 replies

Housingcraze · 09/12/2018 09:37

Omg DP mum staying cause of day stay - general anaesthetic will be our off his system at 10am and she putting coats away tidying up stuff that doesn’t need tidying and last night put her show on without any consideration whether anyone else wanted to watch lol OMFG

Aibu for DP To say no or actually it’s not your place?

DP will want to watch football today at 2/3pm he not going to as his DM doesn’t like it - but it’s ok for DP to put up or being made to watch strictly come dancing in his home!!!

OP posts:

aconcertpianist · 09/12/2018 10:56

She sounds a bit controlling, which is especially upsetting as it is going on in your own home. What would happen if you told her that it's your house and therefore your rules? Are you a little worried that your DP wouldn't back you up?

Maybe do it anyway and see what his reaction is. If he sides with his mum, it might be time to have a think about the relationship and how it could be improved.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/12/2018 10:58

Do you live there?

MorningsEleven · 09/12/2018 10:59

Right. So your boyfriend's mother is looking after him in his house after his operation and you're not happy cos she tidied his kitchen and watched TV? She is not the problem.

Miscible · 09/12/2018 11:02

It won't kill any of you for the TV to be tuned to a programme you don't particularly like for an hour or two. Surely you can amuse yourselves with something else while it's on?

HollowTalk · 09/12/2018 11:02

Try and start from the position that this is a woman who loves your boyfriend more than anyone in the world. He loves her, too.

Then tell her not to move things around in the kitchen because you won't be able to find them afterwards.

And let her watch what she wants on TV. At least she's got your boyfriend to turn off the football - that's a great help, isn't it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 11:02

If he cannot stand up to his mother in his own home now OP, he will in all likelihood never be able to do so. Do you really want to be with someone like this going forward?. He also seems mired in fear, obligation and guilt and this along with his own inertia when it comes to his mother only hurts him as well as you.

She coming in and completely rearranging the contents of his kitchen is about her and what she wants. The wishes of her son here were given no consideration whatsoever.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 11:04

His mother's actions are not loving ones, such actions are about power and control.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not. His mother I would argue is no different. She did this because she wanted to do so and stamp her own authority on his house.

HollowTalk · 09/12/2018 11:09

Well, we don't really know that she's into power and control, do we? She just may be an ill at ease woman who's in a house with a woman she knows dislikes her and who has nothing to do, so is pottering about. Or she might be the most evil and manipulative person alive, who knows?

purplelila2 · 09/12/2018 11:14

OP how rude and precious can you be.
It's your partners house that's his mother and by all accounts doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong.

crispysausagerolls · 09/12/2018 11:15

Argh! I have a SIL like you! My brother had a serious op and she was working so my mother was looking after him and DARED to do washing (she was doing HIS washing and thought it would be rude to not include hers as well as they were all together) and she went spare. For goodness sake she is helping out and clearly has good intentions just be grateful she gives a shit. It is mildly annoying at worst. Family pitch in and help.

trojanpony · 09/12/2018 11:16

So your “DP” is actually your boyfriend and it’s his house and his mum is looking after him?

Gently, you need to calm down.
She pottered about and watched strictly, it might be a bit annoying but it’s hardly the crime of the century.

I regularly come home to find my mother has BUILT FURNITURE, rearranged rooms, “replaced” thrown out beloved items and once ironed DP’s unmentionables.
I think she realised that one was a bridge too far though 😂😂😂

Ultimately, while a bit annoying she shows love by doing things, it is not about control and it’s coming from a good place.
She’s his family and possibly yours one day I’d show some flex, grab a and chill out

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 11:18

This was all about her asserting power and control over her son, why else would this have been done?. She did this for her own reasons and this is all about her. it was certainly not done out of any altruistic reasons or actually to be helpful. If her son cannot assert himself to his mother now then the OP has big problems.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 11:21

trojanpony,

Would you have tolerated a friend doing the same then?.

Such actions are really not loving ones nor are from a loving place, its about control and control of your own home. I would hazard a guess your mother would not be at all happy if you actually did the same in her home.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/12/2018 11:21

Don't be dramatic Attila. The boyfriend defends his mother so I doubt he feels he's being bullied fgs. She's probably seen his kitchen is in a mess and tidied it up.

crispysausagerolls · 09/12/2018 11:21

This was all about her asserting power and control over her son, why else would this have been done?

What sort of relationship do you have with your mother?!? Why does it have to be sinister?! What if she is just trying to help? Jesus Christ.

Cleo18 · 09/12/2018 11:27

Power and control?? What sort of world do you all live in? And I am not quite sure who had surgery - MiL or DP.

If my mum came to help or was ill she'd be watching her choice of telly in my home. If she put the coats away I'd be grateful. And if I was staying with friends, SiL, MiL - whoever - especially if there were kids - I wouldn't leave coats on the floor (or wherever) - I hang them up. (And if my DP tried to tell me she wasn't welcome I'd be reassessing my relationship with him!

Original poster

Housingcraze · 09/12/2018 11:28

The kitchen was absolutely clean and tidy and organised - bowls and plates in cabinet on wall then now under the worktop so a lot of bending down to do????

The coats were already put away she moved them to a closet

OP posts:

crispysausagerolls · 09/12/2018 11:29

This! I have a baby so if there is ever mess (there isn’t usually) or dishwasher needs doing; my mother does it and I’m extremely grateful. Your boyfriend has had surgery and is similarly incapacitated and she is helping?! What the hell is the problem? Would you prefer she tell you do to it instead?!

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2018 11:29

I think the OP has literally flooded MN with the drip feeding.

Throw me a life raft

crispysausagerolls · 09/12/2018 11:30

What op did your boyfriend have?? Maybe she thought it’s better for him to bend than to reach?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2018 11:31

Would you all want a friend, let alone a relative to go in and rearrange your kitchen moving everything around so that you end up not knowing where everything now is?.

He is not defending his mother so much as he is rolling over and letting her do what she wants for a quiet life. Rearranging all the items in a kitchen is not merely tidying up either. My mother would never dream of interfering like this woman has done and its not help either if it has not been asked for. Its this woman putting her own stamp on things.

recovery18 · 09/12/2018 11:38

Drip, drip, drip

BrokenWing · 09/12/2018 11:43

MIL?

do you even live together?

MortyVicar · 09/12/2018 11:44

She may have done it with good intentions, or she may have done it to put you in your place and show you who's the most important woman in your DP's life - marking her territory. Only she knows for sure which it is.

Is there a back story to suggest it's the latter?

Iloveautumnleaves · 09/12/2018 11:54

Do you live there?

Why does his Mum need to be there to look after him when you’re there?

Is she financially involved in the house?

How long have you been together?

How old are you?

A little information is generally quite helpful when you’re asking people for their opinions.

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