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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cuteness aggression?

36 replies

ILoveHumanity · 09/12/2018 01:04

My baby is only 10 months, white with brown hair and eyes. Same as me. His features aren’t too defined and he doesn’t have anything that stands out about him.

Neither do I.

I have noticed a couple of females, from another race usually.. come and start playing with the baby and they find him really cute because he is generally very friendly and interactive.

But as soon as they bond, they turn to me and tell me that the baby looks nothing like me, and must have taken only after his dad.

Last time it was “he is so beautiful..(me smiling with pride). oh but he looks nothing like you”.

Now I know this is not an issue, but the amount of times I keep getting this comment is starting to confuse me.

There is nothing distinctly different between my baby and me. We are at least the same colours?! And we don’t have any strong features for such comments to keep coming.

I feel petty but I’m starting to take it personally. AIBU?

It usually strangers that say that. And I do feel it comes with a spirit of meannness but I’m not sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 09/12/2018 01:07

Sorry to explain my irrelevant title, I spoke to a friend about this... and they told me it’s strange that such comments would come up.

They mentioned that perhaps they found the baby cute and and had a sense of protective aggression that makes them say things that are mean :S.

I might be over thinkng this. It’s not like I’m petty and want my baby to be my copy... I don’t mind that e looks like his dad. But I do mind that people can’t see any connection, and if they can’t, why do they feel the need to say it so much.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 09/12/2018 01:10

People say weird stuff. Sometimes they feel the need to make small talk and say things that they haven't thought through. Don't take it to heart. What some strangers think about whether your baby looks like you means nothing.

Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 09/12/2018 01:22

Part of me feels like them strangers say that because they have shown adoration for the baby, and feel the need to humble me to rule out any vanity from my side that I have similar cute features Grin.

Not saying I do.. but always the comments come after the person has shown a more than average affection for my baby..

They just turn to me, and as if I even asked, say he looks nothing like u.

It’s been 5 times or so. Usually with a bit of a competitive spirit

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 09/12/2018 01:24

It’s a bit silly I know. But it’s getting to me because I love my baby the way he is. So much.

And I don’t like people putting this distinction between us as if they don’t want to acknowledge I’m his mother.

But then again, it sounds so petty out loud

OP posts:
CoughLaughFart · 09/12/2018 01:25

‘Females from another race’? Hmm

LEMtheoriginal · 09/12/2018 01:27

why is race even relevant in this somewhat confusing op

AssassinatedBeauty · 09/12/2018 01:36

It doesn't mean a thing. They're just making random comments, it's not a conspiracy.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/12/2018 01:37

I must say I'm disappointed.
I thought I was going to open this thread and see cute baby animals.
My cute aggression is through the roof. I saw a mummy cat kissing her new born kittens. I literally bit my finger with cuteness. Grrrrrrrrhhhhh.OMG I could just eat babies all up. Grin

Jas0510 · 09/12/2018 01:41

What a weird passive aggressive post

  1. females from a different race (???)
  2. We are at least the same colours?! (???)

What is wrong with you?

CircleofWillis · 09/12/2018 01:44

What Jas said👆🏽

SleepingStandingUp · 09/12/2018 01:45

a sense of protective aggression that makes them say things that are mean
Say what now??

You might have the same colouring but perhaps he has different shaped eyes or nose or mouth.

I love my baby the way he is. So much... And I don’t like people putting this distinction between us as if they don’t want to acknowledge I’m his mothernow your being ridiculous. Random strangers don't think your kid looks like you. They aren't accusing you of stealing him, not living him or being ugly.

DramaAlpaca · 09/12/2018 02:17

Sorry, but it's not clear what you are trying to say here. I'm confused.

Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 09/12/2018 02:28

Am genuinely not racist.

I’m mixed ethnically .. all shades of colors in my famil.

When I married however, into a new culture... my color became a topic. Also in surroundings/friends.. my color isn’t common..

I often get the comment about being “too white”. Received too much meanness from my in laws about it... often treated like a threat.

My son, got his colors from me..

And the comments I’m getting, are from people who come from cultures who have an issue with pale skin being a threat.

Hope I made sense.

I was just wondering whether they’re being mean to me for it.

There is nothin that stands out about baby or me... the only thing that people fuss over for both of us ever, is the skin color...

I’ve had to be very apologetic to my in laws for the meanness they received over their skin color because somehow, my pale skin, reminds them of all the mean things they heard about their skin color...and so they’re often passive aggressive with me

“White people age quickly”, “have bad skin”.... so much emphasis on color.

I do sometimes feel I’m facing some form of inferiority complex with some social groups im mixing with... and that my color tends to bring them out into the defensive mode.

It might not be relevant for this topic...

But I am in general, intimidating people without any intention to do so, just for being pale skinned... and so I wonder whether comments on my baby is stemming from that direction too.

Perhaps not.

OP posts:
Scabetty · 09/12/2018 02:30

Firgive me but is English your second language? I think I know what you mean. My children don’t look like me apparently, never have. Even if someone says they do they are contradicted by a more experienced features matcher Grin. Thing is they don’t look like my dh either. I am not sure why but it is often announced as you say, gleefully. Children change as they grow and at one time or another will resemble parents or other relatives.

Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 09/12/2018 02:35

Yes it’s my second language

OP posts:
Jas0510 · 09/12/2018 02:56

Your second post is clearer - this is all about race and literally nothing to do about how cute your baby is.

So your baby is mixed race - although in the OP you described him as white in the first sentence. (Why? Hmm)

It just sounds like you are “proud” your baby has pale skin? And you want everyone ..or rather all these females from different races... to notice this and what... congratulate you both on your pale skin?

Its most likely that they think you have a superiority complex and think you (and now your baby) are better than them so say it to annoy you.

Seriously wtf 🤯🤯

So your in-laws have told you that your pale skin reminds them of racism they have received? Ffs 😂😂😂😂 seriously.

Jas0510 · 09/12/2018 03:12

OP you are ridiculous. Don’t trick people with a title about cuteness then have a thread filled with micro aggression towards darker women and superiority complex that you are pale.

It’s clear you have a mixed race baby now who you refuse to acknowledge or refer to as mixed and are struggling with that. I think also you are in denial about how white your baby looks, and how much your baby looks like you. What did you expect??

Stop playing the victim when really it seems that you are a racist in denial.

Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 09/12/2018 03:16

Because his colour is “white” jax. I’m not saying his race is white, I’m saying his feature is white.

And no it’s not like I’m “proud” of his pale skin... I’m just conscious of it. And conscious of the fact he takes it entirely from me and my side of the family... and conscious it intimidates people in his dads family /surroundings

The people who are saying it to me have never met me before... so your theory is debunked.. and I’m just annoyed that they would need to go out of their way to point it out

One lady “forced me” to let her play with the baby.. and then looked at him, saying “you are my baby, you aren’t mummy’s boy are you, you look nothing like her, you must look like your father”.

The other lady, looked at him saying “oh you’re such a cutie.. then looked at me saying “he looks nothing like you””.

Mil on other hand, made a huge fuss out of DH marrying a white girl. I’m almost like a trophy to her..

When I had my baby however, who turned out to be my color.. she made huge effort to come up with new genetics to make him take after my fil’s brother. Just so I don’t take any credit.

Most hard to deny feature is his color... which is the only prominent feature I’m holding onto and confused about.

His colour is white.

I don’t have superiority complex as I come from multi-coloured ethnic group. Colour to me isn’t a topic... but about me it seems like it is.

OP posts:
Jas0510 · 09/12/2018 03:21
Biscuit
Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 09/12/2018 03:21

Jas... you really are projecting.

If I was an Indian woman with silky long thick hair, and tanned skin.. and I gave birth to a daughter who had silky thick hair and tanned skin (but different nose and eye color)... and if people kept telling me she looked nothing like you..

I would also say

“At least we have the same color and hair”.

Meaning... I don’t understand how they can’t give my genetics any credit.

I’m not saying I prefer tanned skin over non tanned. Not indicating superiority

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 09/12/2018 03:46

I think you are angry at my title because you are assuming I’m saying he is cute Because he is white..

I’m not.

He is cute, because they found him cute. He behaves in a very friendly way and makes cute noises...

And I’m wondering if it’s aggrrssion because one of the ladies pulled my hand repeatedly while I was trying to pick him up, with full force, told me to leave him alone to play with her....

I almost felt scared of her...

And then straight after she throws in her insight about how he isn’t mummys boy and looks nothing like her.

OP posts:
disrespectfulpenguin · 09/12/2018 04:01

ahh is it he looks nothing like you. upsetting you?

If you have children with a partner from a different ethnicity people will say all kinds of crap. Sometimes they dont understand the implied insult.

Jas0510 · 09/12/2018 04:02

I don’t think that. I literally said what I think which is that you in denial about your mixed race son who likely doesn’t 100% look like you. And that’s mostly why you are offended by the comments.

Aside from that, those people sound very weird. It won’t be aggression because you are both pale, they probably recognise features from their own ethnic group (from his dad) and obviously don’t see them in you hence the comments. Some cultures are very hands on with babies, especially the women. You just have to be firm you are his mum people shouldn’t be touching him if you don’t want them to. Why is your dh not doing anything?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/12/2018 04:13

Can I get this right? You and your baby are mixed race but have very light skin.

You describe your ds as mixed race but “white”.

Some black women (strangers) have been aggressive about your baby stating he doesn’t look like you / must look like his dad.

Your ds and you clearly have enough features to indicate you are mixed race. I’m not trying to make this post about skin colour. What I’m trying to say is that it is clear you and your ds are mixed race otherwise black women wouldn’t be saying such things.

So what would I do?

  1. Stop giving such unfettered access to your baby. He’s not public property. Put up some big boundaries. Tell these women to back off.
  2. Relax and try not to see everything as a micro aggression. Call out any terrible behaviour. (People have often told me my dd looks like my dh.)
  3. Try not to spend so much time with your in laws. They aren’t making you happy.
  4. If you think it will help, spend time with friends and people from both sides of your heritage - ie also with your white parents side of the family.
  5. Spend time with your baby having fun rather than You can’t get that time back. Do things, just the 3 of you, which please him and you and your dh. You are now a family unit now.
Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 09/12/2018 15:08

Mummy thanks for the advice I think you got it right

Jas errmm thanks for your insight about my denail. I’m not in denial at all and I believe my husband is the most handsome man and I’m glad our son takes after him .. 99% of the time It doesn’t even cross my mind..

But I just don’t understand what these comments are meant to imply... and that’s when it bothers me.

OP posts: