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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not show proof I am not lying

37 replies

Wigwambam10 · 08/12/2018 23:09

Named changed for this
My husband has accused me of lying about something really stupid. He won’t take my word for it.
Basicly I told him something that are DS used as a baby has sold really well which it had (on eBay) the sellers asked to pay on pick up which was fine but couldn’t pick up for a week as away. I asked if my inlaws who have a room they don’t use a lot could store it as the people in question live closer to them. This was done.

In meantime the buyers kept asking silly questions about the item which made me think they are going to pull out of this (I am a vetran ebayer and you get a nose for these things). I told DH this and he raised an eyebrow but I though he was raising an eyebrow at the sellers

Anyway this morning they pulled out which did not surprise me and said they would notify eBay. Husband gets really huffy when I tell him and says he is just going to take the pram to the tip. He keeps being huffy and it turns out he thinks I lied about it selling in the first place!!!! He said it’s unbelievable that the sellers went for the buy it now offer and then pulled out.

Anyway I go mad and accuse him of not trusting me, he stays in a huff all day and I just know he is waiting for me to show him proof. Anyway he finally comes out with it that why don’t I show him the messages on eBay then he will know I am not lying. I said that won’t make a difference to us, you will be happy but I will know you don’t trust me

I tend to delete stuff off eBay when it’s delt with as it gets all clogged up but I have emails that show proof I am not lying. Including a confirmation from eBay that the buyer no longer wants the item

I am really against showing him them as it is such a stupid thing to accuse me off and also he should bloody trust my word.

After the birth of DS I had PND and PTSD after an awful birth and I did tell some untruths, mainly that appointments had been cancelled by the hospital when I had cancelled them. It was because I was scared to death of going anywhere near a hospital. Because of all that he at the time threatened to leave and said he did not love me anymore. I did manage to pull myself together with help and medication and he accepted I was not in my right mind

He also had bit of a porn addiction which he actually told me he needed to watch porn before having sex with me to get him in the mood. A few times he said he had stopped and a caught him out

However now I trust him and I was just hoping for the same with him. Especially as I was very mentally ill at the time I was telling untruths

Sorry really long but I don’t want to drip feed but aibu to think he should trust my word. And also why would anyone lie about something so stupid and even worse he thinks I would lie about something so stupid. The whole think is so silly I feel a bit stupid posting about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Wigwambam10 · 08/12/2018 23:11

Also I don’t know if it’s just an excuse to say he does not trust me. He has not been happy for ages except at work. He is grumpy all the time and takes it out on me and DS. I think he just wants out and is trying to come up with a reason

OP posts:
Blessingsdragon1 · 08/12/2018 23:12

Show him the emails

BoswellTheUnreal · 08/12/2018 23:12

He could look it up on Ebay by doing a completed item search if he wanted to.

Omzlas · 08/12/2018 23:14

It sounds like he's coming up with reasons to 'call you out' but I'd print them and shove them in his face (so to speak). Say nothing. Then revel from your high horse

On a serious note, does he regularly not believe you?

Original poster
Wigwambam10 · 08/12/2018 23:19

Ever since my episode with PTSD I get the feeling he doesn’t completely trust me. I couldn’t seem to understand why I didn’t want to got near hospitals after nearly dying have DS. Won’t go into it all but I basicly felt butchered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wigwambam10 · 08/12/2018 23:21

Sorry that was meant to be he couldn’t understand. I felt scared to death so I basicly lied about a couple of appoiments being cancelled as I knew he would insist I went

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 08/12/2018 23:23

Sounds like there has been a serious loss of trust on both sides. Would it help you rebuild that if you showed him the emails?

7yo7yo · 08/12/2018 23:24

He’s projecting.
He doesn’t trust you because he’s doing something wrong.

Original poster
Wigwambam10 · 08/12/2018 23:24

I once looked for a completed item that I knew the sale has been cancelled on and it didn’t come up. Googled it at the time found a forum that said if the sale gets cancelled and the payment doesn’t go through it’s not complete so doest show. Not that it matters he wouldn’t know to do that anyway.

OP posts:
Duckherding · 08/12/2018 23:24

Sorry to read about your awful birth, how long ago was it? Just trying to gauge if your DH has any slight offset for being a twat

TheMagician · 08/12/2018 23:26

I would show him whatever proof you have.

But then think about whether you can tolerate being put 'on trial' like this.

Shepherdspieisminging · 08/12/2018 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Wigwambam10 · 08/12/2018 23:28

This all happened 4 years ago and I thought ge trust had been rebuilt. If it breaks down over something this stupid that this what chance have I got if anything major happens that I am accused of something. I thought we had delt with all that and he understood i was not in my right mind.

I could quite easily accuse him as he always deletes his browsing history but I trust him. Maybe I shouldn’t

OP posts:
Shepherdspieisminging · 08/12/2018 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMagician · 08/12/2018 23:32

This near sale was four years ago?

That is crazy, to be accused of lying about something that happened four years ago.

There is something odd going on. Massive projection?

Original poster
Wigwambam10 · 08/12/2018 23:33

It is the being put on trial thing that is getting to me. I kind of suspect his mum and sister might be behind all this. They did their best to split us up last time we went through a bad patch (when I had the PTSD).

I have always kind of felt he walked away when I needed him most. He has been mentally ill since (ok now) and he said I was fantastic

OP posts:
Duckherding · 08/12/2018 23:34

So easy to make things black and white PTSD is fucking horrific, lie/untruth it's linked to a mental health issue.

Four years is a long time he sounds draining, how long has he been grumpy for?

fuzzywuzzy · 08/12/2018 23:36

Actually if the op’s untruths were related and stemmed from PND & PTSD from when she had her baby then it’s a completely different issue.
She had mental health issues relating to a traumatic experience by the sound of it. It is completely different to lying outright to cover your arse.

OP your H sounds unkind and unsupportive, the eBay incident is hardly a big deal. He sounds like he just wants an argument.

Duckherding · 08/12/2018 23:36

Looking at your undated he has been ill to so you would Hope for some empathy. Could you look into couples counselling?

Original poster
Wigwambam10 · 08/12/2018 23:36

No the PTSD was four years ago. And I did say I lied in a later post. Lies and untruths to me are the same thing. I lied I told untruths. It’s the same thing

OP posts:
stabulous · 08/12/2018 23:39

Just show him the emails. You're making this much harder than it needs to be.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 08/12/2018 23:40

Well first of all, you need to show him the proof. It's really silly and gameplaying not to.

He doesn't automatically HAVE to trust you, because you have broken that trust in the past and it's clearly not rebuilt. Nor do you trust him.

Once you have proved you weren't lying, then you need to talk to him about how you are going to tackle your trust issues together.

Propertywoe · 08/12/2018 23:45

Not showing the emails does not solve the problems but is causing more anxiety. Show him then it’s for him to question his own lack of trust. These are the rows you are having because you are not actually dealing with the real problems.

blackcat86 · 08/12/2018 23:50

I'd show him the emails just to shut him up but then you need to either go to couples counselling or consider splitting up as this is no way to live.

I also had a really traumatic birth experience (DD nearly died because of midwife incompetence and they didn't support me to see her all day) and found asking for a debrief a helpful starting point. Everyone is entitled to one for free. My experience was sort of swirled together in my mind and this helped me clarify where things went wrong and the medical implications. I started this through the patient liaison service at the hospital. I Then found it very cathartic to report said shitty midwife to the nursing & midwifery council and make a formal complaint. There's something very validating about knowing you were treated badly and having that acknowledged by the hospital. Do you feel that you have complaint to be made? You only have 3 years to make one but can make one on DS's behalf until he's 18+3yrs.

RCohle · 08/12/2018 23:52

I think you should just show him.

Clearly he doesn't trust you and yes that is a significant problem in any relationship. But what does not showing him the emails achieve? In his mind it will just confirm your lack of trustworthiness.

Show them to him and help him start to build up trust in you.

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