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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice ds 8 and violent tantrums

31 replies

Magentaorwagenta · 08/12/2018 20:57

I am honestly on my knees.

We have been through a difficult time and I know he is not feeling great , or settled.

I do everything I can to be loving, fair, boundaried, healthy lifestyle, play time with him, play dates, family time, individual time.

His tantrums are now lasting for an hour and a half at time, I do everything I can ie ignoring him, conforting him, being present with him telling him I love him.

We agreed when he was calm that he would leave the room without being aggressive towards me if he was getting upset. Tonight he threw something at my head while I was calmly asking him to leave the room as agreed. I absolutely flipped.

Obviously this cannot continue. Please if anyone has any advice I would be so grateful. Or if you had an 8 year old who was like this, what were the teen years like??

OP posts:
MissMalice · 08/12/2018 20:59

Have a look at this website - www.livesinthebalance.org/

And check out the book The Explosive Child.

You’re not alone. It might be worth a visit to the GP. How is he at school?

1moreRep · 08/12/2018 21:01

what is he sleep, diet and excersize like?

Original poster
Magentaorwagenta · 08/12/2018 21:04

Thanks miss. I do actually gave that book I will get it out and re read.

He eats good home cooked food, exercises daily and sleeps about 11 hours a night

OP posts:
Original poster
Magentaorwagenta · 08/12/2018 21:08

Thanks for saying I'm not alone. Getting teary over here. He's about to go to sleep and back to being a sweet heart. It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde or I worry he does actually have some kind of mental health problem.

Never does this at school.

Often hits me.Sad

OP posts:
MissMalice · 08/12/2018 21:11

He sounds like my DC who was diagnosed with high functioning autism late in primary school. The Lives in the Balance page should direct you to some Facebook groups as well if you have FB. I’m sure it feels totally overwhelming right now, and there is support out there for you. It won’t always be like this Flowers

Beaverhausen · 08/12/2018 21:11

Hi op you need to speak to your doctor and his school to get a referal to cahms for counceling.

My daughter was being ultra sensitive and we got her referred for her temper, she has been receiving counselling for about 3 months now and what a difference.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 08/12/2018 21:13

Non-violent resistance? I found it very very helpful with my 5/6yo earlier this year and although he can still be quite emotionally explosive he hasn't tried to hurt me or really thrown much of a tantrum since (although has had some prolonged crying fits). As an approach it's empathetic but also very very boundaried and authoritative which was definitely what we needed here.

Original poster
Magentaorwagenta · 08/12/2018 21:24

Thank you. I will look into all those approaches. It's not the norm is it Sad

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Mumoftwinsandanother · 08/12/2018 21:24

Definitely not alone. Interestingly for me its my neurotypical (I'm pretty certain) daughter rather than my autistic daughter and my autistic son who has done this for years. Started therapy about 1.5 years ago - lasted 9 months. We are now in a different world. She started being very angry at 8 (although always prone to it) and has just stopped aged nearly 11. I'm not sure if it was the therapy, or growing up and understanding other people better or (most likely) a mix of the two. I can't tell you what the teenage years are like as not in them yet but I don't fear them any more. Good luck, you may find it difficult getting anything on the NHS unless things progress to a really bad level (by whihc point there is no easy fix) - if you can afford it it is something I would go private over (worth 6 new holidays or 50 nights out).

ShawshanksRedemption · 08/12/2018 21:25

I have a feeling that this:

"We have been through a difficult time and I know he is not feeling great, or settled."

...is key. You don't need to go into details here, but sounds like your young lad may still be trying to deal with stuff. Whatever method you choose to deal with his behaviour, be consistent; don't flip and change if you feel it's not working. Kids need calm boundaries to feel safe, and they will test those boundaries to check that safety.

I would look at what happens before the behaviour, what is the trigger, see if you can anticipate what sets him off.

incallthebloodytime · 08/12/2018 21:28

I'm looking into a non violent resistance course

No it's not normal but you're not alone

Buttonsareforever · 08/12/2018 21:32

Are there any other odd behaviours? If there are you could talk to the school and see if they have noticed anything.

My son has Aspergers syndrome and after years of insisting something was wrong (to be told I'm being an irate mother) the school phoned me during his first week to tell me they thought something was wrong lol.

The school referred him to mental health, not the doctor.

Specialists at mental health department told me a school referral is faster than a doctor referral.

Within a few months we had the diagnosis and strategies and support put in place.

Good luck op, I hope you get the help you need x

anniehm · 08/12/2018 21:33

Been there - high functioning autistic in our case but no other mitigating factors. Periods of change are really hard, but things are much better as she gets older - I won't pretend that as an adult she doesn't ever have outbursts because she does, just this week she hit out but it's very rare now. Around puberty things got a lot better and she was under cahms from 11 which also helped. Get support now as it can take a while to get a referral and do not underplay the situation.

BobTheDuvet · 08/12/2018 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Magentaorwagenta · 09/12/2018 03:21

Hi all thanks again.

He doesn't seem to have any odd behaviours that I can notice. He does find it difficult to drop off to sleep. He doesn't really understand other people's thoughts or feelings yet. He isn't the most popular boy. He does seem active and inattentive to me and he is not meeting age related expectations in hand writing. School say he is bright but lazy. I want an OT referral as his handwriting is dreadful and he just doesn't seem to be able to do it. School say they consider him to have 'dyspraxic type difficulties'.

At home I can't see a specific trigger , except if he has either been at his dad's for contact in which case he breaks down after about an hour with me, usually by pestering me for something it's not the time for , or I'm unwilling to give immediately, ie sweets or screen time, and he knows that full well so it escalates Into a tantrum and then no going back. Yesterday evening was because I was watching strictly (the only thing I watch all week) and not listening properly.
Is it too much to expect a nearly 9 yo child to understand that their mum watches one programme a week?

Thinking back on his tantrum I feel so guilty that I flipped it's not ok. My exh used to throw things at my head quite a lot, he didn't ever see those incidences so I don't think it's a learnt behaviour iyswim. but I didn't see him do it (ds yest I mean) and when i felt the impact (to be fair it was only clothes but it was a shock to me) the reaction it triggeres was really huge and it scared me.

I guess I'm scared my ds behaviour is escalating sort of like the dv I experienced did as awful as that sounds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magentaorwagenta · 09/12/2018 03:25

I should say I do not think ds is experiencing physical punishment at his dad's. I expect exh is pretty black and white and emotionally distant though.

OP posts:
scrivette · 09/12/2018 04:01

Sounds a bit like DS, terrible handwriting, inattentive, emotional tantrums... the SENCO has been observing him and thinks he may be Dyslexic and possibly have ADD and are in the process of referring to the Community PaediatricIan and Educational Psychologist.

You say school mentioned Dyspraxia, have they made any referrals for you or has the SENCO been involved?

scrivette · 09/12/2018 04:01

Sounds a bit like DS, terrible handwriting, inattentive, emotional tantrums... the SENCO has been observing him and thinks he may be Dyslexic and possibly have ADD and are in the process of referring to the Community PaediatricIan and Educational Psychologist.

You say school mentioned Dyspraxia, have they made any referrals for you or has the SENCO been involved?

Original poster
Magentaorwagenta · 09/12/2018 05:20

Thank you so much @scrivette. He is an excellent reader but poor speller and writer. no referrals made and senco unwilling to do so as says he won't meet threshold.
The OT referral would need to be privately funded.

No mention of education psychology.

Ds says how hard school is and how bad it makes him feel. I just don't know what to do for the best Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Magentaorwagenta · 09/12/2018 05:22

No mention of community paediatric referall either. Should I push for these?

OP posts:
BouleBaker · 09/12/2018 06:34

Our NHS OT team take parent referrals. We were seen by them very quickly for DS. Worth checking.

youarenotkiddingme · 09/12/2018 06:43

Definitely ask go for referral to developmental paediatrician.

Make a note of all the behaviours, what you do and how he reacts. It's helps to show you are dealing with it and he's not responding - also mention the book as they can see then you've done 'parenting class' type approaches.

You say his dad is very black and white, unemotional and prone to violent outbursts. Remember things like asd can be genetic and often present in more than 1 familiar member and through generations.

Another mum of a child with asd and other difficulties here who will hand hold.

PeachMelba78 · 09/12/2018 06:43

I second The Explosive Child, it’s a really useful book. My son has ASD and I went on a parenting course which also really helped.

He knows that we are working on various behaviour issues, the first was sleep (guided meditation is great), now we are on the third issue, anger management. The fact that he has worked through 2 other issues successfully has given him confidence.

He masks his issues all day at school, but they are working with him and us too, and we have an official diagnosis which really helped for support.

I don’t recommend any restraint methods, my son gets worse and more violent when I have tried this. I was recommended leaving the room and going somewhere with a lock, and I always protect my younger son too.

Good luck!

JellyTeapot · 09/12/2018 06:52

He does find it difficult to drop off to sleep. He doesn't really understand other people's thoughts or feelings yet. He isn't the most popular boy. He does seem active and inattentive to me and he is not meeting age related expectations in hand writing

You could be describing my 5yo ds. I have no advice as I'm just starting out on the path to working out what's going on and how to deal with it. You're not alone though.

scrivette · 09/12/2018 07:06

That must be frustrating that they say he won't meet the threshold. The Borough I live in don't officially diagnose dyslexia because of children who are just under the threshold wouldn't get extra help when they need it, so class it as 'Learning Difficulties' but treat as Dyslexia.

Maybe for a start you could say to the school they you have concerns about his writing and spelling and ask what interventions they can put in place to help him.