Is this unfair or aibu

[Polkadot1502]

Got a text of mil today to tell me she'd taken dn to see Santa and to book soon because they are selling out of tickets fast, I feel hurt that my Dd wasn't invited to go and see Santa with them, they only have 2 grandchildren and I have had a chat with them in the past because I feel the two grandchildren are treated different and dn is favoured, they always tell me they've done this and that with Dn but never invite my little one, fwiw they have dn every other weekend, i don't allow them have dd alone as they don't understand what she can and can't have ( allergies) and they don't understand why I don't want my dd being near there dog who can be snappy, and who I used to look after whilst they had dn before I had my dd as they were worried about dn and dog, I know they don't have my dd but I feel hurt they've left her out and could have invited us to go so dd wasn't left out

Then say so instead of posting part of the story. What did you expect? We arent mind readers

But from what you've said here there is no favouritism!

Ffs. Sounds like your mil can’t actually win with you

No there is no favouritism OP.

No there is favouritism.

Things will never be equal because the situations are not the same.

Fair and equal are not always the same. Besides which, this 'I have had enough' attitude will be something they have picked up on. In which case they won't jump at the chance to spend time you include you in everything.

You are the issue here.

If you were to let PILs take DD today would they have offered? Would they have her as much as your DN if you weren't worried about them disregarding your DDs allergies?

Sounds like they make as much effort as they can given the amount of restrictions you put on them tbh.

YABU about equal treatment. YANBU about not trusting them with allergies. Send them this. www.stayathomemum.com.au/my-lifestyle/this-tragic-story-remind-us-why-we-should-always-take-allergies-seriously/

You’re being ridiculous. Your DD is 1. Your DN is older. Your DN is allowed to be there unsupervised, your DD isn’t. You have complained about ‘favouritism’ in the past, fgs, your DD is a BABY.

Frankly, I think you should be grateful that you have sorted out the boundaries (they do not have her alone) and a bit of distance because your DD needs careful attention and it’s best they don’t have her alone.

They don’t mither you to join them all the time, make the most of it!

I’m happy to take the kids friends out with me, but if it means I have to have another adult along then I won’t do it (unless the child has needs beyond my ability to deal with). Maybe they don’t want another adult tagging along (any adult, not necessarily you personally).

Op: AIBU
MN: Yes
OP: but ....
Anyway, yabu and your pils can’t win here as certainly the circumstances are not the same. I can’t see any favouritism. They are bu to ignore the allergies though.

If your DD is only 1, she really isn't going to get anything out of being taken to see Santa.

Thankyou for your replies x

They are just keeping in contact. Of course they’d point out dn had had a good time they don’t want your dd to miss out.

If I were PILs I would not want to take your DD out. Not because I did not want a relationship with her, but because of your attitude op.

Unless their is a risk to health and well being, or they are a genuine danger (e.g. abusive/ criminals/ live in a hovel/ have dangerous pets) to their grandchild/children then I think grand parents should be able to care for their grandchild alone and enjoy a relationship without the child's parents dictating everything!

I am not a grandparent yet, but I would not have my DIL dictate what I can or cannot do with grandchildren. If they do not like that then I would be low contact with grandchildren.

Has the dog done anything to DN?

My dn also had a dairy allergy. I understood it, as I have dairy intolerance, and was very careful with his diet— even more so than his parents. Yet my sil never allowed me to care for him alone whilst allowing her parents to do it despite them not knowing basic things like butter’s dairy — so while I adore my brother’s kid, I’m closer to my other siblings kids as I’m involved in a small but regular part of their lives. Now I’m earning more money that usually results in me taking them on ‘naice’ day trips etc sil loudly complains about it all but as dn isn’t used to me (and doesn’t do as I say as a result) I don’t feel comfortable taking him out with the other kids.

Its not favoutism. Yoir child is only 1 - very different to a walking/talking 3 yr old. You won't let gp have her due to dairy allergy. Of course they are going to spend more time and energy on the grandchild they are allowed to look after.

There's no favouritism as they ignore dn's allergies too - but that child's parents choose to still allow them unsupervised contact,
that's all.
You choose to not allow them to be alone with your dc so they can't take her.

I would have gone along too
Errrr no! That's NOT 'grandparent taking dgc out'...you going along changes the whole dynamic.
Buy your own tickets and take your own dc yourself.

As for communicating with you re santa tickets - if they didn't then you'd complain about that too and probably claim that they're secretive about their contact with dn.

Do you seriously have nothing better to do other than nitpick for things to create drama over?

You going along to supervise would change the day. And they’d probably feel watched. I think it’s nice that they told you to get tickets quick as they obviously don’t want your dd to miss out even if they can’t be the ones to take her.

I've only taken a 1yo to see Father Christmas because I've been taking an older DC. 2yo's about right. Also, take your own child to see Father Christmas.

If their is favoritism it is of your own creation. What do you expect them to do? Never do anything with their other grandchildren because you don't let them see yours alone? Sorry but you can piss off with that nonsense. You don't get to dictate other peoples relationships.

why do they need to tell you what they do with DN?

Because they are trying to show you they can look after a child & they are also sharing the SAME stuff you share with them about DD.

They can't be that bad, you're DP/DH is alive & well isn't he ? DN hasn't been bitten? DN isn't suffering in their care is she? Surely, sitting down with them & explaining properly re allergies etc would be better than this, quite frankly insulting approach, of they're not adult enough to look after DD without your supervision?

What are the Grandparents ignoring their grandkids allergies? This is very irresponsible and I don’t blame the OP for not allowing her child to be alone with them. They can’t be trusted whatsoever if they ignore a child’s allergy.

It is you that is being totally unreasonable and it is no wonder they do less with your child. You want everything your way don't you.

Greendale the OP has said that they don't know what her DD can't eat and ask if she can have a biscuit. This doesn't sound like they are purposefully feeding her food she's allergic to. The OP is very vague here and hasn't said that she's explained fully what they can and can't feed her.

They sound kind they care a lot for their grandchild visiting weekly and spending time with her, even though they aren't allowed to take her on her own.

Maybe the OP needs to talk to them openly, explaining thoroughly her DD's dietary requirements and worries about the dog and then take it from there whether she lets them take her to their house.

Flowerpot but they're not adult enough to look after the OP's DD without her supervision if they'd give her foods she's allergic to.