Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Please Wise Women of mumsnet Help?

26 replies

Lovesgood · 08/12/2018 15:48

So there is this guy. He is the sweetest guy ever but I dont know what to do anymore.
We have been out a couple times and we get along super well and we are insanely attracted to eachother, physically.
But he told me from the start he is not in the right place for a relationship. I was fine with it, dont need anything serious. He said he is very attracted to me but doesnt want to lead me on. So I suggested we should just have some casual fun. He said that would be up to me, but it would probably get complicated.
Anyways a few days later I told him I was up for casual and we sexted and flirted for a few days via texts. Then when I wanted to get this going, he bailed. We were talking about some more emotional things and he literally ran out the door! Got a text from him saying he isnt ready for casual yet. Said its too confusing.

Theres a lot more to it, but I dont want to write a novel here.
The thing is, I know we have something and he said that too. And I just know by how he looks at me! Etc.
The only thing he ever told me about his ex is that they were together for 9 years. And he has been single for 1 and a half years and hasnt slept with anyone since.
Now he didnt say it but Im wondering if there was abuse in that relationship and that is why he is acting so weird? I know that there are a lot of abuse survivors on here and would be very grateful if you could give me your opinions on this?

At the moment him and I are very friendly, but its friends territory because I stoped pushing for more as he seemed to be freaking out about that.

Im not normally someone who chases men so this makes me feel bad alot. Im wondering should I completely distance myself? Or stay friends? I dont know what to do. Its so hard to let him go as he is the sweetest guy ever and there is something between us for sure but he doesnt seem to be able to deal with it.

OP posts:

knittedjest · 08/12/2018 15:51

Men mimic. Especially if they are uncomfortable or unsure. If you told him you thought there was something there chances are he just regurgitated that back to you. Stay friends if you like his company but I wouldn't bet on it growing into something else anytime soon.

AntMoon · 08/12/2018 15:53

Oh lordy, I hate complicated. But it happens. Thing is, you can't project what he may/may not be feeling. You can only go on what he's saying. Which seems to be, on repeat, "I'm not ready."

I'd back off, totally, but in a friendly way. Like, "completely understand, good luck & really nice to meet you" sorta thing.

Simplify it. Simple is GOOD.

Pachyderm1 · 08/12/2018 15:53

Timing is so important in a relationship. You can’t push him to be ready - he’s on his own schedule.

Stay friends if you can, but it’s ok to distance yourself if just being friends is too painful. I wouldn’t sleep with him, even casually. You have feelings for him and that means it will be so hard for you to not get too involved.

Confusedbeetle · 08/12/2018 15:55

If you like this man then stay friends. You are scaring him off. Too much too fast. The casual thing is a bit freaky for me as it removes respect. He likes you, it may never be sexual, or it may. You are disempowering him by chasing too hard. Let a relationship evolve naturally. If I had my 67 years again I would say that some relationships did not get off the ground because there was sex too early before we knew each other well enough. If I had my time again I would be more patient

Loopytiles · 08/12/2018 15:56

“I know we have something“. There is no “we”. He has clearly told you he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

“Sweetest man ever”. How long have you actually known him?

TooTrueToBeGood · 08/12/2018 15:56

Who knows what his story is but I'd be inclined to advise you to put him behind you and look for someone that isn't a complete mind-fuck. Life is for living and relationships should bring you fun and positivity. You don't need whatever shit he's dealing with and it's not your responsibility to try and fix him.

Birdsgottafly · 08/12/2018 16:02

He's a complete game player. Don't waste anymore time on thinking things will go any further.

He isn't insanely attracted to you, as said, he's mimicking you.

Some Men love having a Woman dangling, knowing that they can have them if they want to.

Original poster

Lovesgood · 08/12/2018 16:04

Im so glad to read all your opinions.

Ive only known him closer for about a month. I cant say anything bad about him even though that would make it easier to let go I suppose but he has been nothing but honest and respectful to me.

OP posts:

Coffeebean76 · 08/12/2018 16:07

They’re all very sweet in the start

Original poster

Lovesgood · 08/12/2018 16:07

He is very attracted to me, that one is 100% you guys just have to take my word for it.
I also do not believe that he is a player, players want to get women into bed. He could have had me there ages ago but didnt.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovesgood · 08/12/2018 16:10

I know I shouldnt care so much about what his deal is. Its just I can see there is more to it and Im too nosy for my own good.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 08/12/2018 16:11

So you’ve known him as “friends” for how much time? Not that long if you don’t know much about his past long term relationship. And fancied him a while, but have only been “seeing” him a very short while?

He may well fancy you, but he’s said he doesn’t want a relationship with you, so you’re wasting your time.

AntMoon · 08/12/2018 16:19

What's your relationship history OP? Have you been single for a while or just out of a long-term relationship?

Original poster

Lovesgood · 08/12/2018 16:20

No, we started dating but he kinda freaked out so now its more friends because I thought I should let him be. I just think the way he freaked out about the prospect of having sex with a woman he is very clearly attracted to was strange. Thats why I was wondering if any former abuse victims had any advice? I might be wrong about that hunch of course.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 08/12/2018 16:26

I would step right back. This has the potential to be really drawn out and painful for you if he does turn out to be a game-player and protecting yourself from that is the wisest thing you could do.

If it turns out he is a genuinely good guy and there really is something between you he should respect your feelings and will (hopefully!) seek you out when he is ready for something more than friends.

For now you have to set boundaries you can maintain, if being around him at all is likely to mess with your feelings then getting on with your own life and putting him way in the background is probably for the best. It has to be about how much of a friendship you can handle without it messing with your head because friends is all he's offering right now and that may not change.

On a cautionary note I've known people who've put their lives on hold and wasted years (and the chance to have kids in a couple of cases) waiting around for someone who was never 'ready', don't do that

Original poster

Lovesgood · 08/12/2018 16:35

AntMoon
My history isnt too bad, had a long term relationship for years that fizzled out. So no scars left or anything. Ive been single for awhile. I have a lot of friends so being single didnt feel too bad.

Thank you Hidingtonothing for that thoughtful reply.

Thank you everyone who replies by the way, its really good to get some outside perspective on this.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 08/12/2018 16:39

So he’s not a friend, you don’t know him at all well, briefly dated him and want a relationship with him, but for whatever reason(s) - it doesn’t really matter what - he doesn’t want this.

Not doing yourself any good spending time with him in the hope that he’ll change his mind and want a relationship with you.

Talith · 08/12/2018 16:42

I hate to say it but this is a 'he's just not into you' situation. He doesn't fancy or connect enough with you for this to go further. He might be holding out for a relationship yes, or even a fling, but just not with you. It sounds like he's moved on dating wise. It sounds like he's actually been fairly straight with you and it now just being polite but trying to shake you off. I've been in this position with guys dating and I wish they'd just get the bloody message and leave me alone! I know this is a bit blunt but it's the subtext I'm reading having done a lot of dating. I am sorry though because it's horrible when we don't really know what's going on and dating is a bloody minefield.

AnguaResurgam · 08/12/2018 17:08

You can't be just friends whilst you're busy solutionising and trying to find reasons why he's not up for a romantic relationship with you.

So I recommend no contact, because you're on a hiding to nowhere with all your talk of past abuse. He's a nice guy, who has been friendly and attentive, but who has decided not to go further. It doesn't matter why. He is simply saying 'no'. You are not accepting that at face value.

The urge to work out 'why not?' is nigh on inevitable, but it really won't get you anywhere. NC until it passes, then add at least another ,into to be in the safe side.

lovetherisingsun · 08/12/2018 17:12

He's already in a relationship, was loving the ego boost the attention gave him, but can't actually bring himself to go through with cheating yet. Hence the very, very weird behaviour.

Original poster

Lovesgood · 08/12/2018 17:14

I guess you guys are right, I need to let this go. Its just hard because he has given me so many mixed signals.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovesgood · 08/12/2018 17:15

No, I know for a fact that he is single (too outing to say how I know for 100%)

OP posts:

Johnnyfinland · 08/12/2018 17:18

I think it’s pointless trying to fathom why he might feel the way he does - the only thing that matters here is he has been completely clear that he doesn’t want a casual thing OR a relationship, and you have to respect that and not keep chasing him because a) it’s not fair to keep trying to push him into something he doesn’t want (imagine a bloke trying to do this to a woman) and b) you run risk of getting hurt if he can’t open up and explain exactly why he’s feeling the way he is.

Trust me, been in a sort of similar situation, and have witnessed plenty of friends experience similar too - when men say they don’t want a relationship, they really mean it. Doesn’t mean he isn’t physically attracted to you, he may well be, but he’s been loud and clear about not wanting to take it further

UpstartCrow · 08/12/2018 17:20

He's giving you mixed signals because he isn't a nice guy.

JudasPrudy · 08/12/2018 17:20

Is it more likely that he was abused or that he just doesn't like you enough to get involved? Sorry OP, move onto someone who's really into you.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread