To think counselling isn't the magical solution people make out

[GunpowderGelatine]

Been reading several threads this morning of people in very complex situations, both personal and family problems, and it's inevitable that lots of posters will say "you need counselling" "go see a family counsellor" and offer little else, as if counselling will solve everything in one fell swoop.

AIBU to think that actually it's not a great solution?

I am possibly projecting a little - I was sexually abused by my step father as a child. My mother found out, and is still with him regardless. Without going into detail this has been very painful for me and last year I bit the bullet and went to counselling.

I really tried, I did about 12 session but honestly I'd say all of them were useless. The lady was absolutely lovely and sympathetic but the whole experience offered No practical help or advice on how to cope. It was just me recounting what happened and her looking pensive and telling me I have feelings of anger and hurt (and other things I already knew). Looking back I think what would have been helpful was, not have counselling, but actually find the support to go the police (which feels really obvious now).

I've read numerous accounts on MN of people who've been let down by counsellors, we're told awful things and even on some occasions counsellors took the 'side' of the abuser. I see it as more of a chance to vent frustrations rather than practically change things. AIBU or did I just get a crap service?

You only tried one counseller so I wouldn't assume all are the same or follow an identical method. Counselling focuses on exploring and acknowledging feelings, rather than changing behaviour. If you want structured, solution-focused therapy I'd try something like CBT or DBT, as they give advice about changing behaviours and challenge unhelpful thought patterns.

Also, find a therapist who is well qualified and has a good reputation.

You need psychotherapy not CBT or counselling

And NHs is long wait but it’s 52 sessions

I had a similar situation in terms of counselling. I paid privately but all she did was listen. I didn't need someone to listen, I needed someone to tell me what was wrong with me and how to fix it.

However from chatting to a friend she has had different experiences and found counselling useful.

There are a load of super shit counselors out there.......and I seem to have seen a few of them. I’ve been told that my problems stem from my periods to the fact that my mum left me with my gran when I was 6 weeks old to go back to Finish her vocational course for 5 weeks, and a whole lot of other rubbish inbetween. I’ve had the nodding sympathetically type, who are very nice, but offer no coping methods. DH and I have also seen 3 different sets of useless couples counselors. And it’s totally draining. Found a new one now who I’ve been seeing for about 6 months and finally seems to be working. There are good counselors, but finding them is a challenge, usually when you have no energy left.

Ummm...did you just say that after counselling you had an epiphany and realised that what was holding you back was not having taken legal avenues to have your abuser brought to justice?

I’d say that’s actually somewhat of a counselling win.

Anyone who goes into counselling, or down the medical drug route, or decides that origami is the magical answer to complex psychological issues is of course kidding themselves. In what area of life do ‘silver bullets’ exist? None. In what area of life is the first person you contact for help (plumber, tutor, gp, etc) the right one to solve the problem? Hardly any.

But finding the right counsellor (and through them the right counselling philosophy/techniques) can be truly life-saving. As can the right drugs, or (presumably) the right craft class!

I’m sorry you didn’t find a good match in the counselling world, and even sorrier for the trauma that started your search for help. I hope you are able to keep an open mind about other therapies and therapists, and that you find the right one.

To give you an alternative view, my counsellor doesn’t do any kind of ‘silent sympathy’ approach. She is forthright, informed, calls me out on my procrastination in getting my plans into reality and guides me towards terrific new perspectives and sources of helpful info (books, talks, practices). When my DH and I were looking for couples therapy help, we visited 3 therapists until we found one that suited us both and was as committed to practical progress as we were.

You don’t need to pay for 12 sessions to discover that it isn’t a good match. Therapists are used to this, and can often refer you on to someone who might suit you better, if you bring it up with them. In my experience, they don’t get offended at all. In fact, they can liaise with a new counsellor and save you having to retell your whole story.

Mind you, the therapist who you feel didn’t help you is likely someone else’s salvation.

First of all, for what you went through.

I agree and disagree.

Childhood sexual abuse can affect people differently, but generally speaking, it's something that's best dealt with by someone who has had specific training and specialises in it. It sounds like your counsellor wasn't. If they were, then they weren't experienced enough to recognise that it wasn't working and look at alternatives. So it sounds like s/he failed you in that instance - also because they didn't refer you to someone else who could be more help.

I agree that it's not a magic bullet though. Especially trauma work. It can be exceptionally hard, but the pay off is your life becomes better. It's not fair though that someone/people get to hurt you and then you have to work hard to undo the impact of their actions. Throwing it out to people as a quick fix is disingenuous.

It's worth knowing that (I'm assuming you're in the U.K.?) there are a) different types of therapy and b) different types of therapist and c) (in the U.K.) anybody can call themselves a counsellor. What works, or doesn't also isn't as exact a science as we'd like, especially for childhood traumas, because everybody is different, has different histories and life circumstances. And wants different things ("feeling better" for one person might be no more nightmares, whilst for another it could be no more flashbacks, panic attacks and dissociation). However, in general, counsellors are ethical people and rarely doing something they don't think works.

So this therapist, doing this therapy, with you right now certainly didn't achieve much for you. That doesn't mean no therapy model will. There are technically some people for whom no model will work.

The other thing people don't realise is that when you see a therapist initially (well, any time, but from the first session) you can ask them about their qualifications, you can ask about whether they've had professional experience in the area you're looking for help in. You get to check them out.

Therapy when it's done well is life changing. I say that as someone who has a lot and still does due to childhood abuse. But for me, it's been long and slow, partly because of my circumstances.

Lastly, because this is long! If you're ever interested in trying again, these terms might help you find out more info and/or a better counsellor for you.
EMDR
trauma-focussed CBT.
Complex trauma (a trauma that happened more than once and/or the threat continued over an extended period of time). Developmental trauma happened during childhood.
Complex-PTSD

Counselling is so many different things. Unfortunately via the NHS you don’t really get a choice.

As PP have said it is worth knowing what you want to achieve as something like CBT is completely different from psychoanalysis or other types of psychotherapy. Which may be varying degrees of different from each other. I know that I like people to challenge me appropriately & people who sit & day nothing aren’t all that helpful

I know that I would probably benefit from some sort of something in the future because we have had a hugely traumatic 15 months that has been largely out of our control. I know CBT would be no use as it hasn’t led to CBT type fixable problems. When I eventually look for someone I will have a think about what I need to achieve & as part of that will check in advance their school of psychotherapy ‘works’.

Counselling is sort of a first line of treatment. Ideally you would see a counselling psychologist who would know when to refer on to a clinical psychologist who might take a more direct/ structured approach. Sometimes though it can be useful to just talk through the options and come to your own decision. With trauma you might find a clinical psychologist can use more directed approaches to help you process the anger and betrayal alongside taking a legal approach.

• There are technically some people for whom no model will work.

Didn't finish that sentence! It should say that while there are technically people for whom it won't work, ever, they're rare!

Sorry how their school works (ie is it what I want?(

People expect different outcomes from counselling. Some people have held on to troubling things for ages and talking about them is a great release that allows them to see things clearer and just feel better from having shared a huge weight off their shoulders.

Some people however are looking for practical solutions as you have stated in your posts. In this instance, cbt is a more appropriate form of counselling.

Whichever method though, counselling in only an enabler. It doesn't fixed issues by just going to appointments. It is supposed to help the person find ways to make the right changes in their lives to process what has been making them unhappy in a different way.

Most issues are long standing and have resulted in very ingrained habits so breaking these will demand a lot of efforts and time. Counselling in the opposite of medication, it doesn't make you feel better alone and it isn't instant, however, with the time and efforts put into it, it can mean turning things around for good whilst learning the skills to tackle problems so making us stronger and more resilient overtime.

I’m so sorry for what happened to you as a child.

I don’t think counselling is a magic fix-all solution but it is worth trying- but only if the person seeking it is in the right mindset. It also depends on the counsellor.

Shouldwestay counselling psychologists are VERY highly trained in the U.K. - they've got a doctorate so same level as clinical psychologists. They focus more on giving treatment themselves than clinical psychologists - who also do - and sometimes when the NHS is hiring a clinical psych the position is open to counselling psychologists too. Counselling psychologists have training (years worth) in different modalities. They're also like hen's teeth because they usually have to pay for their entire training, whereas clinical psychologists have NHS funding.

A counsellor though can have a 6-week counselling course OR be a counselling psychologist (although unlikely). There's no way of knowing without looking at their training.

I am sorry you have lived this. I think counseling can help in some cases. Has your experience of counseling helped you make a decision about going to the police?

You might feel a tonne better if you did report him to the Police OP. Have you thought more about this course of action? It's the unresolved anger that your Mother has stayed with him despite her knowing what he did to you that will be chewing at you. It's a pretty shocking situation to find yourself in so I'm not surprised you are feeling rage even if you are not expressing it outwardly. I think if you simply went to the Police and made a statement you would feel a lot lot better.

I had to see a lot of people before I found the right person for me. Some were dire. I also lived in various countries, which complicated the issue. I worked with one for a good 3 years. She was amazing. She helped change my life view of myself and the world. I’m by no means “fixed” and that’s my responsibility, not hers. One person is still only one person and no one person will ever be the complete answer.

Sorry I forgot to say. Act on your desire. You can still report him to the police. You have a need for your voice to be heard even if nothing else. Your mother, who was a figure of authority and should have protected you didn’t. The police are now the authority figure. Being heard and recognised is very very important in healing.

When I was a kid we had a tradesman visit. It was summer and I was wearing shorts. We had a short length of fence that was roughcast concrete posts with chain link wire attached. For a reason unknown to me the man picked me up and shoved me on top of one of the posts and clanged me up and down on the fence repeatedly. The post and the wire tore at my legs and I was bleeding. The tradesman left me there trying to support my own weight to hold myself off the fence and drove away.
Mum came out and was horrified and helped me off the fence. My shoes were full of blood and I was traumatised, bleeding and in shock.

As an adult I have always had issues around the fact that Mum did nothing about this bar clean up my wounds. Recently I saw in a newspaper that this particular man has been sacked from a high position for being verbally and sexually abusive to women in his organisation. Seeing this made me go to the police and make a statement as for all I knew he had been doing things like he had done to me all his life and like my DMum. people had done bugger all about it.
I felt so much better about it after I had been to the police. It might really help you OP.

I don't think people recommend counselling because it will in itself fix anything. It isn't going to offer advice or give recommendations. It's to help you do that yourself.

What it does is provide the opportunity for people to talk in RL in a way that will help them clarify the issues and help them work out how they see them, why they matter, maybe what they're afraid of or why they're stuck.

It's not the case that if you do some councpselling then everything will be OK. Rather that it helps you work out everything that's wrong (some of which may be non-obvious at first) and that understanding can help you reach acceptance and can help you make decisions with confidence that you have 'rehearsed' the implications

Wrt your OP, YABU and YANBU.... in that I don’t think counselling is touted as a ‘magic bullet’, and as someone who has mental health issues some of which stem from childhood trauma, talking with a professional listening and reflecting is exactly what counselling is, and can be very helpful and useful - it helps you understand yourself and your issues, and come to your own conclusions, like you have about going to the police. Counselling isn’t usually about giving specific solutions or toolkits, that’s CBT (or other forms of psychotherapy).

I wouldn’t expect just 12 sessions to effect massive change with such significant and long standing issues though. Sometimes things can get worse at first, because you can bring up a lot of distressing memories and difficult emotions. I started some specific trauma-focused therapy (preparing for EMDR) but in the end we stopped as I am not in the right place to cope with it at the moment, and that’s ok. Life is a marathon not a sprint!

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute that's terrible.

GunpowderGelatine I'm so sorry you're going through this too

I also had childhood sexual abuse (not family) which I was not protected from and it's like a double issue of crap and only medically qualified specialists should be getting into people's heads about that stuff.

I saw an excellent fully qualified psychiatrist privately (many, many years ago) and she helped me through 80-90% of it.
She was able to prescribe ADs in parallel with the therapy and monitor, taper appropriately which was essential. Very, very structured and strictly professional. No sympathy, no bullshit. Just questions, pathway management and lots of hard work for me. She was magnificent. But I am still living, mostly peacefully, with the fallout today. Because it cannot be erased and I'm ok with that.

Good psychiatry, psychotherapy is wonderful. Bad, unqualified stuff is damaging and potentially dangerous. JMHO.

I have a family member who had been sexually abused as a teenager and told no one. This resulted in severe trauma, self harm, overdoses etc. A counsellor did help them, but it took 2 years of hard work. The perpetrator is dead so there was no option to call the Police.
I think swingofthings post explains well.

OP your story is my story right down to my mother staying with him regardless.

I spent 18 months in the NHS system being given the very bare minimum of standard care. Being told I will only be given 12 weeks of therapy when general opinion was that I needed at least 18 months.

In my opinion it's not CBT or DBT that is needed. It's not my behaviour that needs changing. It's the trauma to begin with.

I am in the position where I now claim PIP and so I use that to pay for therapy. I am very lucky that I have found someone willing to work on the condition I have which is completely bourne from trauma.

However, it took 13 years of bouncing from therapist and counsellor to get there.

My therapist has never once took the side of my abuser or my mother.

I think there are a lot of bad counsellors out there but there are those that can help.

On a practical note it might be worth seeing if there is a local sexual violence support service that can help you through the reporting decision and process. This may be rape crisis or may be called something else.

I suggest you call the Napac helpline
napac.org.uk