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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call people out on 'small hands' jokes

51 replies

Stuckforthefourthtime · 07/12/2018 21:20

One of my DSs has a condition that means he is very small and will likely be just over 5 foot as an adult. He is otherwise healthy and is a kind and bright child, with a strong and outsize personality that will hopefully serve him well in future.
However I do see that already as his peers start to grow around him, things are getting harder. Small men are the butt of quite a lot of jokes.

My SIL was over today and made a joke about Trump's small hands. I am just so tired of these types of comments, so instead of laughing along I said that he's awful, but that it's no more ok to call out a male politician on his hand size than to call out a female policitian on her waist size (in fact even less appropriate, as hand size, height and penis size are completely unalterable). She laughed at me, said I was touchy and DH thinks I should apologise.

I know I'm far more sensitive than usual about this, but am tired of these jokes, and how many generally sensitive and 'woke' people think that they're ok. Or is DH right that I risk making it worse and should put up and shut up and focus on making sure that DS sees it as silly?

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 07/12/2018 21:26

I don't think you should apologise. People should be aware that it is not OK to comment negatively on people's size.

An acquaintance had a son who was small for his age and when they expressed their concerns to his teacher (about cruel comments from his peers) the teacher told him to say "Well I might be small but ...." - which was just confirming that being small is a negative thing.

SaucyJack · 07/12/2018 21:38

I dunno. What does your DS think about his height?

I am a short woman (5ft), and I do get teased a fair bit- but I can honestly say it doesn’t bother me as I’m genuinely happy with my height. I do appreciate it might be different for a man.

I don’t think anyone should ever apologise for something that offends them, but equally I do agree with your DH that taking genuine offence around your son might give him more offence than if you laughed it off as no big deal.

SaucyJack · 07/12/2018 21:39

*give him more of a complex, not offence

user1471530109 · 07/12/2018 21:42

Hi OP, my dd is also SGA and at age 5 is starting to notice and get a teased a bit. I agree completely with you. I do get c sensitive now about anyone making comments about people's appearance.

Has you ds had growth hormone? My dd is about to start. I'm sure you've gone down all these paths, just wanted to check Wine

SouthWestmom · 07/12/2018 22:08

There was a thread on here recently saying people wouldn't date small men. It's crap, my son had growth disorder and I worry with crap attitudes like that. Don't apologise.

notpushyinterested · 07/12/2018 22:17

It works both ways. My eldest son is exceptionally tall. I'm not sure there's a day goes by without someone passing comments. It's absolutely constant.

He shrugs it off as best he can.
You need to teach your son to be tough and resilient because unfortunately the world isn't going to change for him.

BoswellsLastStand · 07/12/2018 22:37

It would be nice if everyone was nice.

They aren't.

People will judge other people for all kinds of stuff. It's not nice but it's life.

Plenty of people are heightist, weightist, racist, sexist and so on.

You maybe able to get an individual to stop them saying it. They will still think it though.

twattymctwatterson · 07/12/2018 22:50

The Trump small hands thing isn't really about the size of his hands though. No one actually cares about the size of Trump's hands - it's a dig at his own inferiority complex which he disguises by bragging and posturing. I get where the sensitivity comes from but your SIL probably doesn't give a damn about the size of any mans hands

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/12/2018 03:58

OP YANBU to tell people how you feel when they make such jokes.Flowers

I do think the joke in any Trump joke is Donald Trump. So YAB a bit U to take what your SiL said, so personally and apply it to your son.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 08/12/2018 04:31

Do not doubt yourself. Your husband should stand up for you and his son.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/12/2018 05:10

You said what you felt. So what if your dh and sil thinks you’re touchy. Don’t apologise. If you want to talk to her about it, fine, explain your reasoning and feelings.

JustJoinedRightNow · 08/12/2018 05:13

Tell your DH that his sister should be the one apologizing for making stupid jokes about “small” things when his son has a growth disorder. So ignorant.
Stand your ground OP.

BeekyChitch · 08/12/2018 05:28

YABU I would have laughed at you too then never spoken to you again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/12/2018 05:38

BeekyChitch
Well that was useful. Hmm

Whisky2014 · 08/12/2018 05:41

You know what they say about small hands...

Small gloves

Smile
Yura · 08/12/2018 05:57

i have quite a lot of relatively short male colleagues. 3-4 are around my height (5ft just about). i’m in R&d of a large company. to be honest, the only comments ever made are if they shove us all into economy class long distance flights and us shorties are just fine, or in tight lab spaces where tall people are squeezed in (and we have tons of space). might just be my environment, but being short is awesome (until you have to ask somebody to hand you down something from the top shelf in the supermarket).
but in an adult environment it thankfully doesn’t matter

BeekyChitch · 08/12/2018 06:11

@Mummyoflittledragon it was in AIBU I said YABU. I'm sorry? Was I meant to go in depth? Or was it because I disagree with you?

FestiveNut · 08/12/2018 06:19

I don't think YABU. It's sad that we still need to find ways to mock people. It's somehow considered OK to make fun of people's height, hair colour etc. Why? Why do we as a species feel the need to taunt and exclude others? When we're told to ignore one characteristic we just find another to go after. It's sad.

BettyCrook · 08/12/2018 06:32

I agree with you, unfortunately he will get teased for it but at the very least it shouldn't come from people who know him and supposed to love him....
Sadly loads of people were teased and bullied by family members.

So yes call them out but unfortunately there will be a time when you aren't around to shield him or challenge it for him and some people will still think you are being sensitive, unable to take a joke. (BS of course).
I would look into building his self esteem and strength, let him excel in something that he loves by signing him up in different classes and courses to trial different things. Maybe martial arts classes or drama for confidence?

IWasTrendingThereForAMinute · 08/12/2018 06:55

I think you were right to say what you said. Don't apologise. Just shows that she is a sheep. DT doesn't have small hands, it was a joke started by a journalist to try and tear him down and it has spread. Sort of like the Emperors New Clothes. Sheep like your SIL is trotting it out.
Don't apologise to her, it might make her think about the things she says a bit more.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/12/2018 07:17

BeekyChitch
Stating op is being unreasonable in an AIBU is fine. Saying you’ll never speak to your sil again just for stating they don’t like jokes about people’s bodies is pathetic.

Beansonapost · 08/12/2018 07:30

YABU.

kmc1111 · 08/12/2018 07:34

The Trump thing isn’t about the actual size of his hands, it’s about the POTUS being such a vain weirdo that he’s pathologically obsessed with a comment someone made about the length of his fingers more than a quarter of a century ago.

Graydon Carter called him short fingered, and so among other responses, Trump started sending Carter envelopes filled with images of his hands, the fingers highlighted in gold sharpie, to ‘prove’ his fingers weren’t short. For more than two decades he did this. That’s why people joke about it, not because they care about his stupid fingers, but because it actually gets to him.

Original poster
Stuckforthefourthtime · 08/12/2018 08:01

Kmc1111 that is enlightening and does make it a bit better! She's a nice person, and I used to make the same kind of jokes, it's only since having DS3 that I thought more about it and stopped Blush

I don't think I will apologise - though will keep in mind about making it worse for him if we make it a big deal.

@user1471530109 thank you, we have discussed growth hormone, it might give him an extra inch or two. The challenge is that he's not technically deficient, so has more risk of side effects. Some doctors won't therefore prescribe it, others will - it's so tricky to know what to do, but we'll wait until he's a bit older and an x-ray can give us a better height estimate.

OP posts:
captainpantbeard · 08/12/2018 08:12

YANBU

Trump deserves a lot of criticism but not to be laughed at for a physical feature that he can’t help. One of the criticisms of Trump is his attitude toward disability and mocking disabled people. And then people mock his small hands and still want to claim the moral high ground. It bugs me too OP.