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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call people out on 'small hands' jokes

51 replies

Stuckforthefourthtime · 07/12/2018 21:20

One of my DSs has a condition that means he is very small and will likely be just over 5 foot as an adult. He is otherwise healthy and is a kind and bright child, with a strong and outsize personality that will hopefully serve him well in future.
However I do see that already as his peers start to grow around him, things are getting harder. Small men are the butt of quite a lot of jokes.

My SIL was over today and made a joke about Trump's small hands. I am just so tired of these types of comments, so instead of laughing along I said that he's awful, but that it's no more ok to call out a male politician on his hand size than to call out a female policitian on her waist size (in fact even less appropriate, as hand size, height and penis size are completely unalterable). She laughed at me, said I was touchy and DH thinks I should apologise.

I know I'm far more sensitive than usual about this, but am tired of these jokes, and how many generally sensitive and 'woke' people think that they're ok. Or is DH right that I risk making it worse and should put up and shut up and focus on making sure that DS sees it as silly?

OP posts:
Aaaahfuck · 08/12/2018 08:17

I think it's fair enough. I think people are quite aware of commenting on weight but less so other aspects of people's bodies. But as far as I'm concerned it's all body shaming.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 08/12/2018 08:49

All my children are small - ds2 in particular looks likely to end up about dh's height (5 ft 3 or thereabouts). Entirely genetic in our case. We're both small, my father was small, my MIL is properly tiny.

Short stature in men is something still considered to be fair game, sadly, at least from what I observe on here. But then the UK has a deeply weird culture of mocking people's physical attributes (cf. the number of people who, in 2018!, still make 'ginger' comments). We're in Germany, where people are even taller on average so the dc stick out even more, and of course there are the odd comments and mutterings from doctors about growth hormone (re all three of our children, two boys - the older of whom is likely to be on the smaller side of average - and a girl who's definitely going to be tiny) but it's never been made into a enormous Issue. Dh has had a perfectly happy and successful life.

I'd ignore the Trump comments unless they are directly related to your ds (after all, tall people can have small hands and vice versa - we mostly have quite long hands). But I wouldn't stand for direct bullying of your ds about his height.

easyandy101 · 08/12/2018 08:55

I'm 5'1"

Literally never made a difference to my life except I have to ask people to get stuff off high shelves. Did get teased a bit but nothing savage

SouthWestmom · 08/12/2018 09:30

Mine is borderline deficient and they've said no to treatment.

I don't think it's the same as tall people getting commented on; there isn't the general short man syndrome/wouldn't date one/ etc stuff.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 08/12/2018 10:47

Personally I think you are being over sensitive. This was not an affront to anyone of small stature but a dig at trump. You could also comment on the idiotic things Trump says which indicates low intellect. Would parents of kids who suffer with learning disabilities be offended? It seems rather silly to me and more to do with how you feel about your sil.

peachgreen · 08/12/2018 10:51

There's plenty to make fun of Trump for without mentioning his appearance and therefore also insulting others who are overweight/ balding / have small hands etc. YANBU.

skybluee · 08/12/2018 10:53

Personally think your SIL was rude.
Your son has a growth disorder and she's being disparaging about someone with small hands... it's just stupid.

I also hate the fact she couldn't just say oh, sorry, right, I'll have a think about that (or whatever) - and instead switches it back on you saying you're over-sensitive. I'm sure she wouldn't like it if one of her physical attributes was mocked.

TheMagician · 08/12/2018 10:54

I think you should go down the line of fortifying his ''inner citadel'' although I don't know how anybody really does that FOR somebody else. It's a fortress you have to build yourself.

But disparaging comments about small men will ALWAYS ALWAYS be out there. Same as old women, fat women, ugly women. For men the ultimate go to put down is short.

TheMagician · 08/12/2018 10:56

And are women seriously chiming in with ''I'm 5'1''''.

This is not in the same ball park as a man with a growth deficiency.

easyandy101 · 08/12/2018 10:58

Is being 5 foot tall widely considered as having a growth defect? Blush

FishFingersAndCustard11 · 08/12/2018 11:02

Your DS might not care about his height, and may even join in on the jokes. I'm 5ft on the dot, DP is 5ft 4. DD is 15 months, with her 10 month old cousin taller than her. We're not bothered about our height. We sometimes crack jokes at each other about how short one another is compared to someone they're stood next too. We have a laugh, we're not bothered. We know that DD and any future children are probably going to be short in height, it doesn't bother us and it didn't even occur to me to think of bullying/offence by jokes.

If the joke offended you, you were well within your rights to let him know. Not all people find insulting jokes funny, especially when something similar effects their child. I wouldn't have took that approach though. I would have just corrected him, said you don't appreciate them jokes because your DS is going to be a small adult so you think it's touching home a bit too much. I would apologise, say you didn't mean to snap that much, but you still stand by your point and then ask him not to make them jokes again.

Hwory · 08/12/2018 11:06

I assume you’ve made comments about people’s appearance in the past? It’s only now that you’ve had something personally affect you you’ve had a re-think.

There will always be people that comment on your appearance, especially when your in school. Whether that’s down to a medical reason, unfortunate genetics or an unhealthy lifestyle. I would suggest building him up rather than trying to police everyone around you then sending him out to a pretty cruel world unprepared.

hazeyjane · 08/12/2018 11:12

Has your son had a bone age x-ray?

I think the Trump small hands thing, as some others are saying isn't actually about his having small hands - it's to do with his over inflated ego and the affront he takes at any questioning that he isn't 'the bigliest, more cleverest, most bragadocious son of a gun out there'!!

It is different for boys to be short, I am 4'11" and have never really had any bullying over my height, but as a woman I think it is easier to be 'small but feisty.'

Birdsgottafly · 08/12/2018 11:38

"It would be nice if everyone was nice.
They aren't."

The issue is that many people who would be horrified at a fat/ginger etc person, joke/comment, doesn't have bone structure on their radar, for some reason.

I've seen it on here, posters who would shout down any other insult, joining in. Likewise Penis size.

Original poster
Stuckforthefourthtime · 08/12/2018 12:55

@easyandy101 5" is on the shorter side for a woman, but is well below the usual percentiles and would be defined as short stature for an adult man. In our case it's also quite specific - we are not a short family, DH in particular is quite tall. As others say, there is also a bit of a difference in how it is treated in men and women - women can be small but feisty, or elfin, while short men get the Napoleon complex jokes.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 08/12/2018 12:57

I have small hands and get a lot of comments on them! I’m not short though so they’re quite disproportionate to my height. Doesn’t really bother me and I like them as they’re delicate and I can wear Children’s gloves!!

Original poster
Stuckforthefourthtime · 08/12/2018 13:03

@easyandy101 sorry meant to say about the percentiles that this is for a male and not a female! It's good to hear from everyone who is petite and happy too 😊

OP posts:
Tiscold · 08/12/2018 13:16

Yanbu. If we mocked people for their weight etc there would be an out cry but peoples height is apparently fair game

Tiscold · 08/12/2018 13:18

My husband is quite small OP 5 foot 7 so not small small but certainly not average.
He says we're all the same laying down so it doesn't bother him GrinWinkHalo. Best not tell your son that yet though Grin

hazeyjane · 08/12/2018 13:47

if we mocked people for their weight etc

People get mocked for weight All. The. Time!!

5'7" is within completely typical range for a man - so not really comparable with someone who is going to be considerably shorter than average.

Tiscold · 08/12/2018 13:57

But on MN THERE IS OUTRAGE! You would be slaughtered for mocking weight but commenting on small man syndrome etc rarely gets called out.

Tiscold · 08/12/2018 13:58

And I'm just saying being smaller then average isn't a negative thing and that her child shouldn't worry about it.

hazeyjane · 08/12/2018 14:15

I'm just saying that mocking people for being fat is definitely a thing! It is even a thing on Mumsnet, and yes people get called out on it, but loads just join In....just like the derogatory comments about short men.

And I'm sorry but there is a vast difference between being marginally shorter than average for a man, but in the typical range at 5'7", than there is being 5' as an adult male, which is outside if typical range.

hazeyjane · 08/12/2018 14:17

...and by that I am not saying that it is a negative thing, but it feels a bit minimising of someone's concerns to compare the 2.

theaudacity · 08/12/2018 14:26

I've never seen more weight obsession than on mumsnet. People insisting that perfectly healthy sized women are actually dangerously overweight and that everyone is kidding themselves if they think that fitting in size 8 clothes means that they are probably a perfectly healthy weight.

Of course, they post it as 'concern' not mockery. But sneering at people's weight, big or small, is a constant feature of this site.