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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should i not have said anything?

29 replies

Clumsymumsy27 · 07/12/2018 18:57

I was at soft play with my 21 month old, she was happily climbing the ‘ladder’ to the slide, going over to it and down and back again. She was doing this more independently on her own than she would have been if I’d been there so i sat in the ballpit where i could see her. I saw a little boy hitting her in the face so i ran to her, and she’d fallen down one of the steps jist as i got there. I picked her up and said ‘excuse me’ to the boy just as his grandma came, but he ran away before she could say anything.

Then his mum came up to me and was like ‘it’s just kids isn’t it?’ My child was crying and i said ‘well she’s hurt, shes really upset by it’
Boys mum: what do you want me to do? Smack him?
Me: no but he needs to know its wrong
Boys mum: ive had 2 kids, its just what they do
Grandma: don’t you be telling me how to raise my grandchild. Ive been working with kids for years

At this point i walked away because i felt like they were ganging up on me. I felt sick and i was shocked. My dd and this boy were sat together nicely at the top a few minutes later and that was fine. And his mum goes ‘id better get him down, i dont want anything to happen’

Me: why are you carrying it on? Theres no need. You wouldn’t appreciate it if it was your kid who was getting hit
Mum: it happens all the time. He’s 2, it wasn’t malicious
Me: i know it wouldn’t have been malicious but he still needs to know its wrong
Grandma: it wasn’t malicious, he’s 2 (this went round in circles until i walked away and decided to leave)

I probably wouldnt have said anything at all if the mum hadn’t said its just what kids do. Should I have not said anything? But then i feel like im not standing up for my child

OP posts:
lilmishap · 07/12/2018 19:12

You pointed out your child was hurt and distressed and she got the arse with you rather than explaining to her son that he should say sorry, she must be in this situation a lot because she's not teaching him anything.

Pity them, avoid them and forget about it

AssassinatedBeauty · 07/12/2018 19:20

The kind of parent who ignores this kind of thing isn't going to respond to comments about their parenting. I generally talk to the child myself, and if the parents say anything like that I'm just noncommittal and then keep an eye on any further interactions their child has with mine. I will always say something to the child because I don't want mine to learn that you can hit without consequence.

I absolutely wouldn't have said anything at all to the later comment when they were both at the top of the slide. They were in fact doing what you wanted by removing their child before anything happened. If they want to huff and puff about it, let them. You restarted the argument with the comment about "carrying on" with it.

Nicknacky · 07/12/2018 19:21

So you disagreed over discipline. But why start the disagreement again?

Although I do think it’s an over reaction to feel sick and shocked over it.

PotteringAlong · 07/12/2018 19:24

You shouldn’t have said anything the second time. She was trying to prevent it happening again; it was you carrying it on.

EwItsAHooman · 07/12/2018 19:28

"I'd better get him down, I don't want anything to happen" is a perfectly innocent remark. She might not want him to fall or she might be pre-empt any further attempts to got your DD. You restarted the argument there by accusing her of carrying it on.

And you did tell her how to parent by saying "he needs to know it was wrong". Some people don't believe in telling off very young children or explaining consequences because they think they won't understand so they save their breath. IME, 2yo's don't give much of a shit about right or wrong unless it suits their own agenda and apologies are for the benefit of the grown ups because a 2yo doesn't entirely grasp what sorry means.

I agree that a reminder of "gentle hands" or "no hitting" wouldn't have gone amiss but you got her back her up so even if that is her usual style she was more concerned with defending herself to you.

You shouldn't have said anything really, these sorts of situations rarely end well and neither party covers themselves in glory.

EwItsAHooman · 07/12/2018 19:31

As an aside, one day it'll quite possibly be your DD doing the hitting and the parents of the child she hits might not agree with how you handle it just as you didn't agree with how this mum today handled it.

Would you expect them to tell you what you "should" be doing or would you expect them to keep their opinion quiet and let you parent as you see fit?

DontTouchTheMoustache · 07/12/2018 19:36

Tbh i dont think there was much point bringing it up, she couldn't do anything to stop your DD beijg upset. I agree she should have told her son not to hit but i think you made it far more of an issue than it needed to be and you more than likely made her feel like a crap parent

BlancheM · 07/12/2018 19:38

You shouldn't have said 'why are you carrying it on?' that was just you having a go. Fair enough if you wanted to have a go but obviously you needed to be prepared for an argument in that case.

BlancheM · 07/12/2018 19:41

Oh gosh, just saw the bit where she said he was 2! Your DD is about the same age, can you reason with her? They are babies!

IncomingCannonFire · 07/12/2018 19:44

Unlucky. Any time a child has been caught hitting my child or vice versa the carers have always been hugely apologetic.
It may 'just be what kids do' but kids still need to be told it's wrong. Nothing like a good bit of victim blaming. Raising a fine upstanding boy there.
Lots of soft play threads today.

Original poster
Clumsymumsy27 · 07/12/2018 19:47

I felt that the second comment ‘I’d better get him down’ was intentional to get a reaction from me. They said it as soon as they saw me (id been to get drinks while my friend supervised) and they said it loud enough so i could hear.

And it might be my child doing the hitting in future, but i would (and have in the past) tell her that you don’t hit people. And then she stops. And i would apologise to the other parent (not that i would have expected an apology)

Like i said, if she hadn’t said anything to me i would probably have left it

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 07/12/2018 19:47

You don't need to reason with them. You model behaviour, by apologising to the child or parent, and saying something like "no hitting" or "gentle hands". That's all. If they keep going round hitting other children then you remove them.

AssassinatedBeauty · 07/12/2018 19:48

The mistake is reacting to the comment. If they did want a reaction then they certainly got one!

BlancheM · 07/12/2018 19:50

She didn't have a chance to model anything to the boy as he had ran off whilst OP was saying 'excuse me' after him. You don't know that she doesn't parent her son properly.

Nicknacky · 07/12/2018 19:51

And it did get a reaction so if they were trying to wind you up then it worked. And she wasn’t talking to you so you should have left it.

Honestly. This happens every day in every soft play up and down the country. It’s not worth feeling “sick” and “in shock”

AssassinatedBeauty · 07/12/2018 19:56

I'm not saying she isn't a fantastic parent, I was responding to the suggestion that you might try to reason with a 2 year old.

BanginChoons · 07/12/2018 19:58

It's up to her how she parents her child. And she's right, 2 year olds aren't malicious.

abbsisspartacus · 07/12/2018 20:01

The mum and gran are in the wrong and I would have taken the loud remark about getting him down as carrying it on I probably would have said good at that point but my dd was my pfb and could howl the place down over a bit of fluff or if it had been my son he would have took it the first time maybe the second and belted back on the third he had a hard punch for a two year old!

Serialweightwatcher · 07/12/2018 20:04

Of course they should tell him when hes wrong whatever his age ... maybe they'll leave it til he is malicious then, that would be a great way to parent a child - not!

TwistedStitch · 07/12/2018 20:05

He's 2! They came straight over when there was a problem, didn't just ignore it. You were really OTT and you continued the argument a second time when they weren't even talking to you! I've done my share of soft play over the years and my kids have been hit/ or hit others on occasion. I can't imagine ever going on the way you did about a toddler.

Nicknacky · 07/12/2018 20:06

But that’s none of the op’s businessmif he doesn’t get disciplined when older.

It really not worth getting into an argument at soft play.

Serialweightwatcher · 07/12/2018 20:14

Presumably he does it often going by his familys remarks, therefore it is the ops business as her child got hurt on this occasion and if he had been told previously maybe this wouldnt have happened or been less likely to .. would you like your not even 2 year old to be hit in the face and it be dismissed as its just kids? Confused

EtVoilaBrexit · 07/12/2018 20:15

I disagree with some posters.
The second comment was there to make a point - aka tell the OP that leav8ngnthwir ds near her dd was somehow going to create ‘issues’.
It was a PA way to put the OP back in her place. That’s what the OP reacted to.

Having said that, I’ve always avoided making any comments to other parents at a soft play, clearly they are going to defend their way of dealing with things!
I would it even more so when the parent comes to see me like the mum did. Not to apologise or check the dd was ok but quite defensive, expecting the OP to say ‘oh it’s nothing. Just children (boys?) being boys’.

Nicknacky · 07/12/2018 20:17

But it really isn’t any of her business how they discipline him. She has no idea what they said to him and it doesn’t make her child any less upset by it.

And he is 2! Of course he would still have done it even if told off before.

And yes, both my kids have been hit at soft play, childminder, nursery. It’s one of those things you can’t control and some kids do it and will grow out of it.

tillytrotter1 · 07/12/2018 20:21

We had a similar incident in Edinburgh Zoo, older children pushing the younger ones out of the way, my OH went over and quietly asked them to stop, it continued and he went over again and spoke quietly to them, their mothers were sitting in a huddle chatting and playing on their phones. The third time OH walked quietly over to them and brought the Zoo to a standstill by yelling at them. That got the parents' attention, they were not happy that their little scrotes had been shouted at, 'We don't use raised voices', as he replied 'Well that's perfectly obvious, they're bullying brats'.