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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To resent partner since having baby

80 replies

newmum1611 · 07/12/2018 00:15

I feel a bit resentful as I don’t feel like his life has changed since we had our baby 3 weeks ago.

For example I do all the night feeds, all the nappy changes. When he’s crying at dinner time it’s me that doesn’t eat as I have to pick him up. Silly things like I want the lamp left on as baby stirs in a night feed when lights are turned off but partner turned it off anyway.

He seems to be doing normal life like playing football etc whereas I’m lucky if I have 5 minutes to get showered.

For example tonight he got in from work and had already eaten dinner etc and I still had to hold baby whilst trying to eat one handed

He did lots of housework and cooking during paternity but I feel like he sees the baby as my problem not his.

Sorry I’m so tired and hormonal and just wanted it off my chest.

OP posts:
Tackytriceratops · 07/12/2018 17:26

Yep was there a bit with ds1 though dh did want to help but would swing a bit in and out. Million times better with ds2.

When ebf they can:

Take baby for pram walks
Have baby in sling (eg close caboo)
Change nappies!
Possibly do an expressed feed (doesn't always work and only express what is needed by baby)
Wash up
Cook nutritious food for you both
Give back rubs
Do groceries
Cup of tea first thing and half an hour peace
Have baby while you bath - and deal with baby so you're not disturbed
Work out their way of soothing baby - sing, take for walk, talk etc.

And a million other things too. Sometimes they need it spelling out unfortunately though.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 07/12/2018 20:40

Let's not confuse the fact that EBF intrinsically requires a lot more of the mother than FF does with the idea that this means the dad can't do anything. Sure, the father of an EBF baby can't do as much as an FF baby's dad theoretically can. They can still do absolutely loads of things. Babies who are EBF still need changing, winding, bathing, settling, holding. None of those things need to be done by a person who is lactating. The fact that you can't handle any of the feeds doesn't mean it's ok to just leave the baby to cry for 5 minutes!

Kemer2018 · 07/12/2018 20:45

Ooh i hated mine after dd was born. Loathed him. I met with cab for advice to split when she was less than a year old. What a cunt he was.
We'd been together 10 years before child, so having a kid shows up the cracks.
He was overwhelming selfish, his hours increased, he'd promised they'd decrease. He continued night fishing weekends and i thought i was going mad with severe pnd. It was hell on earth.
I swear, if I'd had a different man, i may have had more kids. I just couldn't do it virtually alone again i didn't have the strength.
We got through it, but if I'd had a career and financial independence, i would have fucked him off.

WinterfellWench · 07/12/2018 21:09

Can't add any more advice to what has already been said, but this comes as no surprise, as it happens to most new mothers. The men don't do jack shit and expect the woman to do everything.

I know people will say that's not true.

But it is.

Many men try and carry on socialising as if they are still single and child-free, still continue their hobbies as if they are, and still spend the same kind of money as if they are.

They leave the vast majority of the wifework and childrearing to the women; including school plays, sports days, parents evenings, dental, doctors, optician, and nurse appointments, hobby groups, sports clubs, dance clubs, sleepovers, issues at school, dealing with other mothers in the neighbourhood or school, cooking for the family, looking after the kids when they're ill, helping them with homework, and taking them on daytrips, and to the park, and concerts, and plays, and suchlike...

Then these men wonder why, when the kids are grown (like 15+) they are closer to the mother than they are to them, and often choose to live with their mother than their father if they split.

Hopefully you can encourage your partner to start contributing more to the upbringing of his child, before HE ends up like this. Coz I have heard many complaints from some men, because the kids are MUCH closer to their mother (as young adults...)

They still love their father, but are much closer to their mother. Every time I hear this, I just think 'well maybe you should have contributed a bit more to the upbringing of your child(ren) then.'

@newmum1611

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. Smile

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 07/12/2018 21:20

It doesn't happen to most new mothers. Pretty much all of the men I know have stepped up to parenthood from day one.
Some men do behave like this but it's not all of them - there are some fantastic husbands and dads out there.
The behaviour you describe is disgraceful. I only know one man who behaves like this. Interestingly, it's usually other dads that point out how disgusting his behaviour is.

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