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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent partner since having baby

80 replies

newmum1611 · 07/12/2018 00:15

I feel a bit resentful as I don’t feel like his life has changed since we had our baby 3 weeks ago.

For example I do all the night feeds, all the nappy changes. When he’s crying at dinner time it’s me that doesn’t eat as I have to pick him up. Silly things like I want the lamp left on as baby stirs in a night feed when lights are turned off but partner turned it off anyway.

He seems to be doing normal life like playing football etc whereas I’m lucky if I have 5 minutes to get showered.

For example tonight he got in from work and had already eaten dinner etc and I still had to hold baby whilst trying to eat one handed

He did lots of housework and cooking during paternity but I feel like he sees the baby as my problem not his.

Sorry I’m so tired and hormonal and just wanted it off my chest.

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 07/12/2018 03:03

@Mummyoflittledragon yes while we were in hospital, she said 20 minutes each side but that was on a hospital pump so I figured my home one isn't as powerful so I should up it a bit (I have no actual basis for this). I've got an appointment with her at home the day after his tongue tie snip, to get latch right etc, there's actually a fair amount of support around here so I'm quite lucky. I know you're right it's not really about the expressing at this point it's about the signals, we're doing a lot of general skin to skin too. Just got to keep positive until the tongue tie snip.

GreyDuck · 07/12/2018 03:52

Newmum1611, definitely agree your partner is not pulling his weight.

MrsStrowman, if you don't have a double pump, you could consider getting a hakaa or nature bond. These are silicon pumps that you can attach then leave hands free. I used mine on the other side when feeding or expressing and it help catch a bit extra and cut down how long everytging took. After the first disaster where it fell off and I lost a whole bottle of milk ( I cried too) I now detach it and pour the milk out at regular intervals. Good luck with it all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/12/2018 03:53

MrsStrowman
20 mins makes sense for milk stimulation. I was looking at it from an extraction POV. Your newborn babies latch won’t be as strong as a pump so 20 mins with any pump is fine. After that time you need to leave the pump to allow you to rest, relax, eat and have fun with your baby. Graphista is right. You’re thinking more is more. But it really isn’t. It’s the frequency rather than the duration. And from that please don’t think it should be hourly. I imagine the hospital told you how often to express as well. If you want more advice about anything I think you should try to get hold of the person / people hospital, who originally advised you.

If you find you are still having issues, I really really would advise getting a good quality double pump if you can afford it. They are expensive but very very worth it. I bought mine for about £150 10 years ago although they haven’t change much in price and resold it for about £70 on eBay. Mine was made by Ameda and was billed as being similar to hospital grade.

Rather like the advice people are giving to newmum, this is about self care and if you can afford it you are worth it.

newmum
Sorry to hijack the thread.

mathanxiety · 07/12/2018 03:55

@MrsStrowman - try your utmost to get your supply going.

Don't be discouraged by small amounts now - it's possible at five days and with poor latch that your milk hasn't yet come in.

Do you have an electric double pump?

Have you a supply of fennel tea on hand?
Stinging nettle tea can also help.
www.amazon.co.uk/nursing-breastfeeding-mothers-stimulating-Apotheke/dp/B0080S2XFO?th=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21
Other teas.

Keep on drinking plenty of water and other fluids. Keep clear of sugary drinks and caffeine as much as you can.

I read the same advice as Mummyoflittledragon about breastmilk being fine for about 8 hours at room temp. This would have been more then 10 years ago Smile.

When pumping, I used to do as she suggests and just sterilised the little pump inserts and valves/flappy things. I kept the clean, dry bottles in a resealable plastic bag.

mathanxiety · 07/12/2018 03:59

Also MrsStrowman
It's really important to try to pump between 12 midnight and 2 am, somewhere in that time frame. When your baby starts latching properly and feeding, this is a very important feeding to get supply established.

Original poster
newmum1611 · 07/12/2018 08:15

Thanks everyone.

Tried to talk to him this morning and he was not understanding at all!

OP posts:
Neverender · 07/12/2018 08:24

I've been here. One thing that might make sense to you is that your babies cry is literally designed to fuck with you - and you only. As a Mum I'd hear my DD crying and my adrenaline would shoot up. Babies are designed like that. Early on, I had a chat with DH and asked if he had the same reaction - in short, he didn't.

So when he's doing something else and the baby is crying he isn't wilfully ignoring him, it just doesn't get to him like it does us. It helped me to understand that.

That being said, he has to help.

pompomcat · 07/12/2018 08:35

Just seen your update OP. what do you mean when you say he wasn't understanding at all?? I am sorry ☹️

hammeringinmyhead · 07/12/2018 08:38

Try the logic approach. For example "If we had a friend or relative round and you sat there ignoring me as I failed to eat dinner one handed, do you honestly think they wouldn't offer to hold the baby?"

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 07/12/2018 08:42

Stop doing everything and letting him sit there. Tell him to take the baby so you can eat. Tell him it's his turn to change a nappy etc.

Currently he is being a pretty shit dad and husband and he needs to be told this.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 07/12/2018 08:44

OP you need to break it down for him.

So when he comes home do what PPs have stated - hand him the baby, tell him exactly what to do with the baby, say I'm going to have a bath and do not disturb unless the house is burning down then lock yourself in the bathroom for 35 mins.

If he disturbs you after 10 minutes you need to lose your shit and kick him out of the house for a couple of hours. I'm not joking about this. Over the years starting from when I was a teen I've seen men kicked out for a couple of hours for not pulling their weight with their babies. Last was a neighbour who was accompanied by his older children and looking very sheepish. Anyway this tends to be enough for them to understand that if they want to stay with you they need to change.

Emelene · 07/12/2018 08:53

I have no advice OP, only sympathy. ThanksMy DD is 4 weeks tomorrow and I've just had a fight with my DH because he is being lazy in the morning and simply not stepping up. (I'm fuming as he doesn't think it's reasonable to expect him to hold the baby for 10 mins and leave himself time to get ready for work, so I can have a wee or a bite to eat. I've been up with her since midnight and will be with her all day... Angry And breathe!)

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 07/12/2018 08:55

It's not familiar to 100% of disquieted. I never had these feelings of resentment because my DH isn't a lazy inconsiderate dildo. Babies are always going to be hard work, but being useless is a choice.

Whatamuddleduck · 07/12/2018 08:57

Op stick to your guns here. If he wasn’t understanding, make him understand.
My DD is 7 months old and the absolute centre of my world. DP has been a lazy selfish git since she was born. No amount of talking, shouting, spelling out, praising has changed this.
Despite him not picking up and extra financial strain he believes he’s doing his bit by going to work.
I hate him and would make him leave if DD didn’t adore him ( why wouldn’t she? She sees him for an hour a day and he does bath time which she loves).
I’m looking at a future trying to be civil to a man I now hate because he has behaved as your DP is (try falling asleep when I was flat on my back with mastitis leaving me hallucinating and holding the baby!).

Make him understand!

Whatamuddleduck · 07/12/2018 08:58

On the plus side though, I get to spend days and nights with my favourite person!

Oldraver · 07/12/2018 08:58

MrsStrowman.

My little DS had tongue tie (though wasn't diagnosed till much later Angry)

I found a nipple shield helped as the shield was already formed so to speak...as you know the tongue tie prevents the little ones pulling the nipple into their mouths correctly and getting a good latch.

BlueJava · 07/12/2018 09:01

I think it's best you talk to him but also be mindful that you might be enabling him. Do you always jump up first? Do you spot the nappy needs changing first and do it? etc. If your baby is crying and your DH is there don't jump up, if he doesn't move prompt him to. He needs to "unlearn" the behaviour he is rapidly learning that you do it all.

Original poster
newmum1611 · 07/12/2018 09:17

His reply this morning was that I have one job and sit around my family’s houses all day! Hmm
When I asked why he doesn’t change nappies he said it’s because I’m always with the baby...
I feel like he’s only interested in the fun side of baby. Only wants to hold him when he’s fed changed and not crying and even then he wants to put him down after 5 minutes!
I just want to cry

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/12/2018 09:28

Either get his mum, your mum or the HV to set him straight, or leave the baby with him straight after a feed and lock yourself in the bathroom.

Alternatively, go home to your mum and let him lead the single life he's obviously craving.

pinkyredrose · 07/12/2018 09:31

Did he want the baby? Because he doesn't seem to want to be a father. You'd be less resentful as a single parent.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/12/2018 09:31

Oh OP he sounds awful. Looking after a newborn was the hardest thing I have done. My husband came home to find me in tears a few times as I somehow hadn't been able to have a drink or was bursting for rhe loo and hadn't been able to go

Lots of men my husband included recognise how hard it is, even if their expectations were it was going to be easy. And then do at least half of everything at home so the mother can recover from birth. My husband used to help in the night (couldn't do feeds but would walk the streets as they slept in the pram), nappy changes, the pacing around as it's the only way they stop crying etc

He firstly doesn't have any idea what it's like and secondly doesn't care and isnt listening when you've told him and asked him for some help.

I don't know what the answer is but you need to nip it in the bud as you will end up hating him for refusing to be a parent

lastqueenofscotland · 07/12/2018 09:32

What Nanny said
Sounds like a complete waste of space

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/12/2018 09:32

I can't believe he just watched a crying newborn for 5 min ans didn't pick up or comfort...that doesn't sound normal to me. Is he struggling to bond do you think

ID81241 · 07/12/2018 09:35

@newmum1611 are you breastfeeding? If so, get yourself a pump and pump a days worth of milk over the course of next week. Then next weekend leave baby alone with your husband (and invite your MIL over so she can see how useless her son is). Explain that you haven't had any sleep as DH won't hold the baby, change nappies or help around the house so you need some sleep before you do serious damage to your health. Then go to your mum's or book yourself in to a hotel. He needs to see first hand what your "one job" involves since he clearly won't listen to you.

Di11y · 07/12/2018 09:35

I made it clear to dh that I did night shifts and day shift while he was at work so he could do 4/24. And all nappies when he was available.

looking after babies is either easy so he won't mind pitching in, or hard work in which case you need a break. either way he helps.