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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a new barrister because he touched me

81 replies

Crookedcolours · 06/12/2018 23:30

Lots of context which I don't want to go into but basically on top of a very distressing court hearing (ptsd, discussing serious sexual offences) my male barrister touched my back as we were walking out of court for a few seconds.

Aibu to ask for a new barrister because of this and generally making me feel intimidated and unprotected in court (having unnecessary chats with my ex) pressuring me to drop allegations etc

OP posts:
HestiaParthenos · 07/12/2018 00:20

He was probably doing it as a gesture to calm you.

What utter nonsense.

OP was there and has the whole context.

You don't know anything but what OP told us, and you think you know better than her what this man intended?

Please.

Men know full well that women usually don't want to be touched by them unasked.
This man in particular also made no other effort to make OP feel better, therefore it is extremely unlikely that his touching her was meant in any positive way.

Girlfrommars77 · 07/12/2018 00:21

OP, I can understand that you feel uncomfortable. You’re in a vulnerable situation. Perhaps he was trying to support you, it’s hard to know without more context. But also his role is to represent you - focus on that - is he representing you well? If not you need to raise concerns.

NoCanoe · 07/12/2018 00:23

Your solicitor will get back to you.
Does he have your mobile number? He may well have to contact you after hours.

Don't give up hope.

Send further email Saturday. Most can access their work emails out of hours. But, not all.

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 07/12/2018 00:24

It was more than a brief touch btw, he held his hand on my back just below my bra strap

Thank you to the kind posters Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Crookedcolours · 07/12/2018 00:26

Thank you canoe I hope so

He does have my number but I've only spoken to him once before. He's not been that good at replying to emails in the past. I did have a really good one for ages but then he left and this is a new one I don't know well at all.

OP posts:
Grannyannex · 07/12/2018 00:27

Talk to him. Ask him not to do it again. Say you understand it was meant kindly

RoboticMary · 07/12/2018 00:27

Probably meant it as a supportive gesture, nothing malign.

NoCanoe · 07/12/2018 00:29

Touching can be a reflex action for many used to dealing with people in emotional situations.
The ptsd effect would not have registered in that moment.

Unless I'm now told it was a grope rather than a just a hand placed on back, whilst going through the court area?

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 07/12/2018 00:30

But I was not emotional at that point it was at the end when the hearing was adjourned and we were walking out.

I had not supportive gestures when I was struggling to control my breathing and crying in court and feeling unsafe

OP posts:
RoboticMary · 07/12/2018 00:32

Well, do you want a hand on your back then at that point or not?

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 07/12/2018 00:35

No I don't want a strange mans hand on my back where my bra strap is

OP posts:
NoCanoe · 07/12/2018 00:36

That touch appears guiding , supportive and non sexual. I'm sure he would be mortified if he knew he had made you feel this way.

But......you don't trust him and you don't your solicitor. Not a great mix.

But it sounds as if you in midst of a hearing, so jumping ships not likely to help, or even be allowed by judge.

Please follow up with your solicitor. And if no joy, please just hand over written note to your barrister so he understands more.

I'm heartsore for you, but please be practical.

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 07/12/2018 00:36

When I'm already feeling vulnerable as well and had had to disclose personal sexual offences to that man

OP posts:
Coolaschmoola · 07/12/2018 00:37

Perhaps his point in unravelling your two main allegations is to demonstrate that they CAN be unravelled - meaning that the other side will potentially do just that.

I'm sure he knows these things happened to you, but he also knows the ways of the court - and he therefore knows that giving the other side the opportunity to take apart your two main allegations significantly weakens the case for your other points. Unfortunately court isn't about what actually happened - it's about what can be proved. If your two main points are unravelled by the other side your credibility will be shot.

It does sound like he is trying to objectively do what will get the best outcome for you, but for you this is subjective and you want the other side to answer for everything.

ILoveMyCaravan · 07/12/2018 00:38

OP I have ptsd as a result of being seriously sexually abused when I was a child. If he had touched me in the way you described I would have freaked out, it is a massive trigger for me. To all the other posters who are saying you are being unreasonable, you have NO IDEA what these seemingly small actions can have on a genuine sufferer of ptsd. I couldn't cope with my barrister being Male, let alone him actually touching me.

You have my utmost sympathy OP Thanks and please ignore the other ignorant posters.

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 07/12/2018 00:38

But that's the thing he was trying to put doubts in my mind but it is wrong for him to do that

No other judge or barrister has said it would be good for me to drop those allegations and just get a summary admission for the others. Those allegations are the most serious ones that have had a severe and long term impact on me and my children they are relevant

OP posts:
RoboticMary · 07/12/2018 00:38

You can’t assume the worst of him on this way OP.

Have a word, or write a note if you can’t face doing that.

But don’t make this into a bigger deal than it is. It’s not helpful to you.

NoCanoe · 07/12/2018 00:39

He can't touch you when you giving evidence! I can't help he was trying to be supportive as he led you out of court, recognising your ordeal.
Thoughtless, may be. But i doubt sinister.

Coolaschmoola · 07/12/2018 00:39

Oops too soon.

Which I totally understand. But what you want and what is achievable are two separate things.

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 07/12/2018 00:40

I don't believe they can be unravelled

I have explained the circumstances numerous times in statements and to the police I can do it again because I am telling the truth.

If I drop them then I believe the other things will be minimised and he will be allowed contact with the children

OP posts:
NoCanoe · 07/12/2018 00:41

*think

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 07/12/2018 00:41

I'm really distressed. I can't sleep. I can't focus and I keep reliving what happened in my mind

This is what ptsd does to you

OP posts:
Coolaschmoola · 07/12/2018 00:41

"He was trying to put doubts in my mind..."

Or he was trying to prepare you for the questions the other side will raise...

RoboticMary · 07/12/2018 00:41

@ILoveMyCaravan
Just because I disagree with OP’s assessment of his motives, it doesn’t make me ignorant.

Original poster
Crookedcolours · 07/12/2018 00:44

I know the questions that will arise

I have already addressed them with police I can do it again.

Would you just pretend that multiple rape and sexual assault didn't happen? And just have it dismissed?

When it was a largely contributing factor to long term ptsd, having to have a panic phone and numerous police visits with my children there then having to relocate in a day and leave all family behind and live out of black sacks for 6 weeks

Say that's you would you be happy to just pretend none of that happened because there might be a difficult question

I know there'll be questions, I'm capable of answering them but I need to feel safe

OP posts:
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