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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this rude ?

52 replies

ILoveHumanity · 06/12/2018 21:36

I have been helping this girl out so much and not an ounce of gratitude,

Hosted her in my home for free.. she asked me to and I felt bad not to.. stayed with her a full night while I have a baby because she wanted to chat about something important. She knew I wanted to sleep..

I live in a secure building, today I was out and came back home , been so tired from last night. I accidentally left the keys in the door, but the building is super secure.

The girl came back found the keys. Asked me if I left them out and I said

“Oops! Didn’t realise”.

She responded grumpily “just don’t leave the keys out again, it won’t be safe otherwise!”

She is just 19.. But I feel like if I was a guest in someone’s house asking them for favors upon favors I wouldn’t be telling them off like that.

AIBU to resent this and feel unappreciated? Or is this the straw that broke the camels back ?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/12/2018 22:27

I can't decide if this is odd or kind.

Op where did she live before?

crispysausagerolls · 06/12/2018 22:29

I think this is insane

Avrannakern · 06/12/2018 22:29

This whole thing is odd. Sit down and discuss deadline for her stay, and behaviour going forward.

Giver her 2 weeks... that way you can still say you are being kind. But don't back down.

Butchyrestingface · 06/12/2018 22:30

Ok I do think the solution is for me to not offer her to stay for free anymore. I don’t want to hurt her feelings though.

But you were doing Airbnb - surely her staying for free means you can't generate an income from the room she's using up?

Fairenuff · 06/12/2018 22:33

My concern is that OP comes across as a person that could be easily manipulated. Most people would not stay up all night for no good reason if they needed to sleep for example.

I think this woman could be feeding a sob story and I would be cautious about having her in the home.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 06/12/2018 22:40

I think you sound kind OP but I don't think you should let her stay for free much longer. I'd be willing to help her find a more permanent solution. A bed sit? Is she eligible for benefits? Either way she needs to move on with a deadline.

LordNibbler · 06/12/2018 22:41

The problem with people who get things for free is that generally they don't appreciate it. And in fact often believe what you give them is not a favour but their 'right'. I think this has all the hallmarks of turning into something nasty and unmanageable. You need to ask her to leave and not feel like you owe her anything. You've done something lovely, with an open heart but I think you're now being taken advantage of.

Rudgie47 · 06/12/2018 22:53

Time for her to present as homeless to the council. Write her a letter saying you are no longer offering her a free bed and that's it. Time for her to move on, shes not your problem.

AlwaysSomethingThere · 06/12/2018 22:57

Get rid of her!

MrsDrudge · 06/12/2018 23:00

I think she sounds thoughtless and inconsiderate. Sounds like you have been really helpful but now finding it tough. YANBU. I don’t feel it would be unreasonable to suggest a date for her to move out, maybe help her find somewhere else. Social Housing maybe? Go with her to housing office? Maybe she won’t take you much for granted if there are less attractive options to consider.

Safeandwarm · 06/12/2018 23:01

Do you have a friend who is more confident than you op? Get someone to come over and say:
“Oi freeloading bitch, get the fuck out of X’s house!”
I would gladly do it for you if I knew you.

roisinagusniamh · 06/12/2018 23:07

I think you may need some support here . Do you have a parent, sibling or friend that maybe able to help you to tell this person to leave ?
Why do you feel the need to help her so much ?
This is a very OTT situation.

WendyWoofer · 06/12/2018 23:10

You don't have to stay up all night with her.

Just say, "I'm going to bed now. Can you keep the noise down please. I'm knackered and need to sleep".

Keep asking if she's found anywhere else to live yet and let her know, in no uncertain terms, you need your spare room back ASAP.

It sounds as if you are making her feel too welcome and comfy. She has no plans to move out and pay for a roof over her head. Why would she if you are allowing her to stay for free?

It's time to let her know this is not a permanent arrangement.

PickAChew · 06/12/2018 23:15

OP, you let a stra ger into your home, you leave keys in your door.

This is a lot of very naive, risk taking behaviour on your part.

KurriKurri · 06/12/2018 23:16

Chances are that she was looking for a home because all her friends and relatives know exactly what she is like and won't put up with her any more.

You don't owe this woman anything, you've been kind above and beyond what most people would offer. it doesn't actually matter whether anyone thinks this woman was unreasonable or rude, she is in your home and she is stressing you out. That in itself is reason enough to get rid of her.

' This arrangement isn't really working for me any more, I'd like you to leave by X date' should do it.

Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 06/12/2018 23:48

Thanks everyone, I spoke to her politely about what her plans are and we set a deadline.

I do think she was taken aback a little.

I do wish I knew how to strike a balance between not upsetting others and not having to compromise so much. Something I’m working on atm.

I do have a history of being manipulated ( since I was a child), so it’s not easy for me at all to know how to tackle things like that until too late.

OP posts:
LimitIsUp · 06/12/2018 23:57

I do get where you are coming from. I had a lodger once who took it upon herself to change my answerphone message without asking, and was responsible for various other boundary crossing actions. Last straw was when she stormed into my bedroom one night (when I was in bed) to scream at me for removing her wet washing from the machine (the cycle had finished). I had put it in a laundry basket to free up the machine for my own washing. Clearly she didn't understand that I was landlady and she was lodger. Sent her packing that very same night

Blondebakingmumma · 07/12/2018 00:08

I can see that you are a kind person. Unfortunately she is using you. Set a date for when she moves out and then get some counseling about your boundaries

freshfoodpeople · 07/12/2018 00:35

This entire situation sounds bonkers.

This girl sounds manipulative and a user. There must be a reason none of her family or friends (if she has any friends) are willing to help her out.

Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 07/12/2018 00:37

I am a generally very “giving” person, and always has been. However I’ve noticed I don’t have a great understanding of people and in recent years my “giving” has been turning into resentment.

Not because I expect anyone to give back as such...

But I guess I “give” out of “love for humanity” as my name would suggest... I have this idea image in my head that if we all were a bit kind to each other the world would be better , and that I would like to stick to those ideals in my life bla bla .

I know it’s cheesy... not looking for pats on the back. It’s my general rebellious mechanism against a lot of mean things I was exposed to in childhood and that was my conclusion. As a child I always felt like when I grow older I want to make sure my experience was for a good purpose to make me a compassionate person... to help those in need and make the world better bla bla ..

I can tell you are all yawning Blush

Basically it means a lot to me to know that I’m able to leave a positive impact on this earth before I die.

I feel like I don’t expect people to repay me for what I do for them, but I’m “hopeful” that they view me in a positive light.

More often than not the very same people I do kind things to, end up being the ones that hate me the most because I can’t give more and more.

Really frustrated that my philosophy in life needs adjusting, because it’s clearly not working.

But I’ve seen people turn bitter of similar experiences and become sooo defensive to the point of being horrible.

I feel like I don’t know how to strike a balance and I prefer to err on the side of compromising then on the side of being horrible to others.

But yh sooner than later I need to learn how to politely establish boundaries

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 07/12/2018 00:45

But you ARE looking for pats on the back. Donthings because you decide to - not to be thanked for them.

The girl is clearly taking advantage of you but you can tell her to leave - she’s not your responsibility and to have an unwanted houseguest just because you want to feel altruistic is stupid.

Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 07/12/2018 00:58

Merry honestly I’m not. I know it sounds like I am looking for pats on the back but it’s homestly not like that.

I have this thing about me where I feel emotionally overwhelmed with guilt and misery if someone asked me for a favor which sounded really important.. and I declined.

I do think it’s rooted in me due to something problematic. But I honestly can feel depressed over it if I declined to help.

I was once a child and as I said faces huge difficulty in terms of meeting my basic human rights/needs and really needed support and got it.

So I feel aweful if someone needed my support and I was able to Give it..

Only problem is, the people that supported me, I feel indebted to them eternally. I’m so grateful to them to the point They’re my role models ... I didn’t have any other role models as I had unique circumstances ..

I’m putting this out in the open because I am facing this situation over and over .. I do believe there is something fundamentally wrong and childish with how I see the world and others. And I’m hoping someone will say something that I can relate to and that would help me see things a bit wiser.

I can be very socially naive... I hate to admit it.

OP posts:
Cabbagepatch91 · 07/12/2018 01:01

I wish you lived in Scotland so we could be friends Flowers. You sound like such a lovely person and I too have a baby and a heart that wants to give.

Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 07/12/2018 01:01

Anyway good night

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveHumanity · 07/12/2018 01:03

Awww Cabbage Flowers

OP posts:
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