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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I must have done something bad in a previous life...

41 replies

worthygirl · 06/12/2018 16:39

Obviously I am joking with my title but sometimes I look about me & feel like I know a lot of people that are very lucky.

Don’t get me wrong- I have 2 beautiful kids, a good job, great people in my life, am healthy etc.

But we have had bad luck financially. Missed the housing boat in terms of being priced out- by the time we saved a deposit, it’s been unaffordable and I don’t have family to help. Then DP lost his job & all our house deposit went on living for 9 months while we got sorted again. Rent is expensive.

Friend 1- parent bought her & partner a 400k house outright & have just gifted them another 200k so they are taking a year off work.

Friend 2- parents bought house outright for her

Friend 3- family gifted them a 300k deposit.

I know comparison is the thief of joy and honestly, I am trying to make my own way & be the best I can. But no one is ever going to give me anything and sometimes it gets me down that I am stuck renting, trying my hardest to get by.

I know I sound self pitying and I don’t mean to- i have a roof over my head and in my normal moments, I am very grateful for my life.

it’s just got me down as all I seem to hear is people being gifted life changing sums of money.

Aibu to just feel a bit envious? I will get a grip again by tomorrow and thank my stars for everything else!

OP posts:

Eliza9917 · 06/12/2018 16:50

I think you need to go back and re-read this bit:

Don’t get me wrong- I have 2 beautiful kids, a good job, great people in my life, am healthy etc.

Original poster

worthygirl · 06/12/2018 16:54

@eliza I know- I am wallowing a lot! Just gets me down sometimes when life feels hard

OP posts:

SheHasNotions · 06/12/2018 16:55

You’ve had very minimal bad luck by the sounds of it, OP. Seriously. Time to count your blessings?

HollowTalk · 06/12/2018 16:56

Why on earth would someone give their children £200K which they then use to take a year off work?! It'll be harder to get back into the job market afterwards. What a waste of money.

Hazardswan · 06/12/2018 16:57

If its any help you sound normal and jealousy is making me hate your friends

ClaryFray · 06/12/2018 16:57

Op, I'm currently living in a 1.5 bed council flat, my relationship is about to fail because we can't afford to live together, can not afford private rent and I haven't the space in my place for partner and his two kids to stay too.

You have a good lot. Okay your friends have better luck, but your not to bad off.

PawneeParksDept · 06/12/2018 16:58

Yeah, I want to say this as tactfully and as nicely as possible OP, but you have so many things that other people don't have and would change places with you for in a second. They haven't done anything bad either but they are chronically ill or homeless or infertile, the grass is always greener, every body has bumps in their road, that's life, there's always someone worse off.

PawneeParksDept · 06/12/2018 16:58

X posted with a few people

MaidenMotherCrone · 06/12/2018 16:58

Aside from the things you list as being grateful for you earned enough to be able to save. Those savings then saw you through when you needed them to. I’d say you were very lucky actually.

countrybunny · 06/12/2018 16:59

You have a home. That's more than most.

Mumshappy · 06/12/2018 17:00

I think you need to twist your way of looking at things round. Some people would be envious of what you have.

Original poster

worthygirl · 06/12/2018 17:00

@maiden I know. I’m just having a bad day & feeling sorry for myself.

OP posts:

Tonicandginn · 06/12/2018 17:00

I don’t think you are being U at all!

Me and DP have tried to be good savers and managed to get on the housing ladder but my best friend was given her deposit, and has just been given another chunk enabling her to go part time at work as they are expecting a baby in the new year. I’m crazy envious as we are desperately trying to save up a nice nest egg to be able to have children. I don’t think we will ever be able to afford for me to go PT. It sucks to see other people just handed something you crave so much but that’s life I suppose.

My dad always used to tell me that they key to happiness was wanting what you’ve got rather than getting what you want but it’s hard sometimes!

Original poster

worthygirl · 06/12/2018 17:01

@mumshappy I know. It’s partly why I posted on here! It kind of helps to be told to get a fucking grip

OP posts:

peachgreen · 06/12/2018 17:03

Nobody has everything OP. Those who have big houses don't have something else that they desperately long for. The trick is to focus on what you do have, work towards what you can have and forget about what you'll never have.

Arrowfanatic · 06/12/2018 17:09

I don't think you are BU OP, it's human nature to compare our lives to those around us.

I'm very lucky, DH has a good stable job, o have 3 beautiful children, a roof over our heads and food in our belly.

But then I see my friend whose parents gifted them a large 4 bed detached house which they rent out for extra pocket money (the house is worth in excess of £450k), and I've known this girl since my early teens and she had a credit card that her dad paid off each month, fast forward 20 years and she still has the card and dad still pays it off.

I have another friend whose parents just gave them £10k.

I'm not asking for hangouts, only the PILs could do it anyway as they are extremely rich but my parents are the total opposite. But that's not to say we don't look at our empty bank balance at the end of every month when we haven't lived frivously and be envious of my friends and their good fortune.

GlasgowWorrier · 06/12/2018 17:11

A quick scan of the Relationships boards will give you a different perspective on couples whose DPs or ILs 'gave' them a house... with often horrendous strings attached.

Another quick scan of the Conception/Infertility boards will also give you a very different perspective on how incredibly lucky you are to have two healthy children.

And just reading Chat should make it pretty obvious that there's a whole generation of people who've missed the boat when it comes to getting on the housing ladder. It's not 'bad luck' - it's an economic pattern. Not everyone's parents own/owned a house in the SE to release huge wodges of deposit-enabling equity, either.

Houseonahill · 06/12/2018 17:13

Focus on what you do have not what you don't

ToftheB · 06/12/2018 17:18

Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s a cliche but it’s true.

However, if you do want to compare, one of my loved ones has a severe mental health issue, meaning that she’s struggled to maintain relationships, feels unable to have children although she desperately wants them and struggles at work even though she’s very capable. All on top of regularly being so depressed she’s suicidal... and even she’s better off than some people.

PhaedrasChocolate · 06/12/2018 17:22

I do understand what you mean. I'm knocking 50, and I've never had any luck with money, I was born skint, and I'll die skint! I've had to struggle financially my whole life. I have an old school friend that married a millionaire and her FB makes me so pathetically jealous, I have to hide her profile.

I wonder how people's lives turn out so different.

However - I make sure I count my blessings every single day. I also have friends whose lives have been beset with tragedy, and I know who I'd rather be.

dangermouseisace · 06/12/2018 17:24

OP there are many, many people in your situation.

I come from a long line of ‘poor’ people, and no-one inherits anything except from the deceased persons possessions eg tv, washing machine. And as for gifting anything...ppfffffrrrrrt. But there are upsides to this.

My ex’s family had money and were terrible bores and very materialistic. There were so many issues about who got what and who was going to inherit that and it was a real eye opener. I thought it was really vulgar.

It made me grateful that in my family we are accepted as we are and liked for our personal qualities rather than what someone can get out of someone else.

Quarky · 06/12/2018 17:27

Houses don't matter, people matter. You, your DP and DCs are fit and healthy. You're ok financially, you have food on the table and a roof over your head. Sod the houses your friends have, it's only bricks and mortar.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/12/2018 17:31

You seem to know a lot of people who've been gifted large sums of money for property.

I only know one person who was (and that's because of the intimacy of our relationship). Why are other people so freely sharing this information with you?

You're focusing on the one thing you feel bitter about, instead of taking for granted the many things you have, that others don't. It's not a path to contentment.

Butchyrestingface · 06/12/2018 17:31

Don’t get me wrong- I have 2 beautiful kids, a good job, great people in my life, am healthy etc.

Well, I have the money, although not endless sums of it. But then I don't have what you have, which all sounds rather nice.

You do realise that people being "gifted" sums of money is often due to inheritance?

WhatdoImean · 06/12/2018 17:38

Always reminded of "Outnumbered" when this sort of thing crops up.... Perfect neighbours next door, lovely polite kids, etc.... till one day they find out that husband has been having affair, mother drinks wine all day, etc.

You KNOW your life; you have health, kids and a good job. You do not know what the other people have. They may be incredibly happy, they may be about to get a divorce, who knows? The people who take a year out... they go to Bali where she "finds herself", and then they get a divorce, he has an affair, and the kids are part of a broken home.

All you can do is live YOUR life, enjoy it for what it is, and take pleasure where you can. I know me saying that is the equivalent of your parents "There are starving kids in Africa who'd really want that food!!", but it is also the truth.

Enjoy life, treasure your kids... and have a wonderful family Christmas

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