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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Possible autistic husband - advice

46 replies

SpringerLink · 06/12/2018 15:38

Hi - I'm not here for anyone to post rude comments or bash my husband, just for a sanity check. I have finally persuaded him to go for an assessment for autism. The only problem is that he really does not see any problems in his behaviour or how he is.

So, I want a sanity check.

E.g. Today he has to take our 3 DC to an after-school activity. They are 3 different sports in the same centre. I have had to text him the details of the classes, times, locations etc. If I just tell him, he wouldn't be able to remember. He also can't remember to check the information on our shared electronic calendar. He does not this this is unusal for a father (he can see that it would be bad for a mother)

Kids need a packed tea - so I made it all except for 2 of the sandwiches, because I'm working today and didn't have the time. So when he got home, I said that I haven't had time to make sandwiches for DD1 and DD2, can you do it. He got very stressed. He couldn't decide what to put in them. He felt under time pressure (he had 30 minutes before he needed to pick them up and school is 5 minutes away). He could not hold a conversation while making the sandwiches, and got quite short with me when I tried to chat, because he couldn't focus on the sandwiches.

He quite literally can not introspect at all. He has no ability to see what he is like in comparison to other people (yet has a strong conviction that he is good at everything, and at least as competent as everyone else - i.e. there are no problems to indicate that he could be autistic).

There are obviously a lot of other things, but I wanted to check what people think about the above scenarios. I find it hard to judge as I'm also autistic, very nerdy, very organised, and find it hard to judge other people's behaviour and whether it's typical or not. This far, I've always assumed that my amazement at how odd his behaviour is has stemmed from my autism, and being a rather odd person myself!

This is a bit epic now, but I really want to go to the assessment with useful things to say, not just manifestations of my own autism.

OP posts:

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 06/12/2018 15:43

I do think that sounds like ASD or something related is a possibility. It's impossible for us to diagnose but the inability to make a decision about the sandwich is definitely not normal. Is is confidence genuine or do you think he has anxieties which he covers with bravado? Is he definitely incapable of remembering (for example where to take the kids) or do you think it could be a learned helplessness because he knows you'll sort it for him?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 06/12/2018 15:44

Also I remember reading a "modern love" article in the NY times about a woman whose husband was autistic but hadn't yet been diagnosed maybe it'll be helpful see here.

NotCitrus · 06/12/2018 15:47

It could be autism, it could be dyslexia or any similar condition. Look up "executive function" and dysfunction - that might be the issue? Not being able to talk and make a sandwich at the same time sounds like MrNC, ditto needing to write down plans, but he knows he needs to do that and that he can't multitask.

Original poster

SpringerLink · 06/12/2018 15:53

Thanks. I really struggle to work out if it's learned helplessness or not. He has however, forgotten to collect the DC from activities before because I was away or didn't remind him to.

His bad memory definitely has a much bigger impact on me than on him. He doesn't forget anything that I have said I'd do for him or forget things that benefit him. However, he is awful at remembering things that benefit other people.

I do think he is anxious about very easy and routine things, but he denies it or can't recognise that he is feeling anxious. But then yesterday I reminded him that he had promised to read the gas and electricity metre and send the readings to our energy company. He got annoyed with me when I pressed the issue and said he had to do it. I said I'd show him how if he didn't know how, and couldn't work it out. He was so cross that I was belittling him and saying he was stupid... and of course he knew how, and was going to do it right then. So, this morning I got another reminder text to submit metre reading, and asked why he hadn't done it. He came up with an excuse (hadn't switched on the PC yet, which he didn't need to use for the metre readings). At that point, he still couldn't admit (or couldn't see) that he actually does not know how to submit our metre readings. I usually just do all this stuff, because he can't. Lately, though, I've been pushing things to see if he is as helpless as he seems, and he gets quite cross about it.

The odd thing is, he has not always been like this. But it is very much like he can't keep up with changes (e.g. using an app to submit a metre reading). I sometimes feel he is generations older than me in his outlook and expectations of the world.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpringerLink · 06/12/2018 15:54

I also have an autistic child with executive function problems, and processing problems, so I know that's what it looks like. It's just that my child can see that he has the issues, whereas my husband is adamant that he does not.

OP posts:

slappinthebass · 06/12/2018 15:55

I am exactly how you describe. I have ADHD. Could have ASD too I suppose and just not know. My brother does, and one of my children. But the symptoms you have described also would fit lots of other things.

NopeNi · 06/12/2018 15:57

He could be - it might be why you two "matched" if you're autistic too. What's he like socially?

The "not remembering directions or managing multiple things at the same time" aspects could also be something like ADHD/dyspraxia/dyslexia (similar but distinct sort of cluster of neurological issues I think) - is he very clumsy at all?

legodisasterzone · 06/12/2018 15:58

Sounds exactly like my DH-he was diagnosed with ASD last October.
It took him a while to accept her needed assessment,so your DH isn’t unusual.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 06/12/2018 15:58

It does sound like he has poor executive function so it could well genuine inability rather than laziness (I was just asking as it's a possibility). If you have a child with the same issues it's more likely that a) you're DH has similar issues as there's a genetic link and b) that you're able to correctly identify them in your DH.

Original poster

SpringerLink · 06/12/2018 16:02

I used to think that he was great socially, because he is quite outgoing and talks all the time at social events. I never know what to say and avoid socialising if I can.

However, I have forced myself to socialise more since having children and have developed reasonable skills to mask my social difficulties. The more I've learned, the more I've realised that he is actually quite socially inept, but is just very extrovert and loud.

He doesn't really have proper friends, which I now do.

As I've become better at engaging with other people, and therefore hearing other people's views about my DH, I've had to come to the conclusion that he is actually pretty awful in social situations, but has no idea that he is, so he just keeps talking and says he's had a really good time anyway.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 06/12/2018 16:03

How old is DH, OP? I’m a bit concerned that you say he wasn’t always like this - autism usually gets a bit less severe with age, as patients learn coping mechanisms, rather than getting worse.
Early dementia can present with fear of change and loss of short term memory, along with stubbornness and inability to empathise.
It’s good that you’ve persuaded him to get assessed, but I hope this is by a doctor who can consider all the diagnostic possibilities, rather than just a specific autism screen.

Original poster

SpringerLink · 06/12/2018 16:07

He's only mid 40s (44 to be precise). I have thought it could be dementia as well, but the assessment is with a psychologist who assesses for ASD and ADHD as it's private rather than NHS.

I do wonder if he's getting worse because our lives are so much more complicated with 3 DC (probably 2 have ASD, but only one currently diagnosed), I think I'm quite difficult as I'm controlling to cope with my own ASD and anxiety, and maybe the stress is making it hard for him to cope.

He keeps threatening to leave (which I have agreed to) but doesn't actually move out and wants more chances to make things better. He doesn't actually do anything to try to make things better though.

OP posts:

user139328237 · 06/12/2018 16:11

What do you actually think attaching a label to it will achieve. There is point in a diagnosis for children as support can be given in education and there may be point in a diagnosis when the individual wants one as an adult for mental health reasons. However as there is little to no outside support available there is little to no point in adults who are able to hold down a job attempting to get a diagnosis if it won't help them accept their difficulties.
However, I would echo that if the memory stuff is getting worse it is worth having a conversation with an open minded medical professional who is not an autism specialist as it may well be that something else is going on that is not autism which may be early onset dementia or mental health issues that would be treatable.

Original poster

SpringerLink · 06/12/2018 16:19

I have asked him what he's hoping to get out of it, and he doesn't know. I was hoping that if he got a diagnosis he might be able to start to see and accept some of his limiations. There is support available for adults (NHS and private), so I would hope that he'd access that.

I suppose that I have gained so much insight into myself from knowing that I'm autistic (diagnosed as a young adult), that I see it as very beneficial. But, I have always been very open about needing to work hard to fit in and understand other people and social situations.

I was assuming that greater self-knowledge would help him, but you are right that if he isn't interested in accepting his difficulties then it won't help at all.

From my perspective, it will help understand why he has been such an uncaring husband for the last few years (6-8 years out of 18). Although it won't excuse his behaviour, at least I will know that it wasn't because I'm somehow not a good enough wife to deserve to be treated well.

OP posts:

staffiegirl · 06/12/2018 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user139328237 · 06/12/2018 16:28

Autism doesn't excuse all bad behaviour or attitude especially if it hasn't always been apparent. If he was able to treat you well for the first 12 years while he may wish to use Autism as an excuse for the last 6 it is not the real reason. Unfortunately in many cases it is impossible for anyone to exactly identify which of a persons behaviours are down to autism and which are just down to them being a bit of an arse.

staffiegirl · 06/12/2018 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SpringerLink · 06/12/2018 16:29

@staffiegirl I wonder if your DH has got so used to you taking control, being organised etc that he doesn't bother? I believe that of my DH on occasion; he just lets me deal with things 'because I'm so good at it'.

That's what he says, that there's not need for him to get involved because I'm so organised and controlling that he's not needed. The problem is that when I ask him to help he either refuses, says yes and then "forgets" or "tries" to help, and doesn't actually help at all because he has no idea what to do.

OP posts:

staffiegirl · 06/12/2018 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user139328237 · 06/12/2018 16:32

I think you are trying too hard to see him as inherently good. Whether he has autism or not he sounds rather selfish and unwilling to do things for others benefits (which should not be given a pass even if he is diagnosed with autism).

staffiegirl · 06/12/2018 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olivertwistwantsmore · 06/12/2018 16:44

This jumped out at me. This makes him sound selfish, not autistic. Selective memory?

Although it won't excuse his behaviour, at least I will know that it wasn't because I'm somehow not a good enough wife to deserve to be treated well.

Whatever your h's diagnosis, it's nothing to do with you. You deserve much better.

Original poster

SpringerLink · 06/12/2018 16:45

Have you told him that he's not a child in your relationship, that he needs to step up? If not, that's a conversation to be had in the near future.

I have. So have 2 relationship counsellors. It's like he can't step up. For example, he genuinely can't have a conversation and make a sandwich. He's also said that he can't think about how to be nice to me, because there's too much of a bad atmosphere at home. By that, he means that I'm not an every flowing fountain of praise for whatever he does, and ask him to think critically about himself. I do also scream at him at the top of my voice from time to time, but not that often.

He does seem to be incapable of critical thought, and analysis of his experiences and behaviour. I'm very self-critical, though, so I did think that maybe his outlook was more representative of the norm than mine.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 06/12/2018 16:51

Did he used to be able to have a conversation and make a sandwich?

HollowTalk · 06/12/2018 16:53

The thing is, you have three children, two with special needs. Is he making your life more difficult than it would be if you were on your own?

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