Possible autistic husband - advice

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Hi - I'm not here for anyone to post rude comments or bash my husband, just for a sanity check. I have finally persuaded him to go for an assessment for autism. The only problem is that he really does not see any problems in his behaviour or how he is.

So, I want a sanity check.

E.g. Today he has to take our 3 DC to an after-school activity. They are 3 different sports in the same centre. I have had to text him the details of the classes, times, locations etc. If I just tell him, he wouldn't be able to remember. He also can't remember to check the information on our shared electronic calendar. He does not this this is unusal for a father (he can see that it would be bad for a mother)

Kids need a packed tea - so I made it all except for 2 of the sandwiches, because I'm working today and didn't have the time. So when he got home, I said that I haven't had time to make sandwiches for DD1 and DD2, can you do it. He got very stressed. He couldn't decide what to put in them. He felt under time pressure (he had 30 minutes before he needed to pick them up and school is 5 minutes away). He could not hold a conversation while making the sandwiches, and got quite short with me when I tried to chat, because he couldn't focus on the sandwiches.

He quite literally can not introspect at all. He has no ability to see what he is like in comparison to other people (yet has a strong conviction that he is good at everything, and at least as competent as everyone else - i.e. there are no problems to indicate that he could be autistic).

There are obviously a lot of other things, but I wanted to check what people think about the above scenarios. I find it hard to judge as I'm also autistic, very nerdy, very organised, and find it hard to judge other people's behaviour and whether it's typical or not. This far, I've always assumed that my amazement at how odd his behaviour is has stemmed from my autism, and being a rather odd person myself!

This is a bit epic now, but I really want to go to the assessment with useful things to say, not just manifestations of my own autism.

He sounds just like my partner, who is diagnosed with ADHD. It’s bloody hard work to live with. Executive function skills are v low. I try to be kind but it’s often just very frustrating especially when dealing with kids, work, mortgages, planning anything in the future (that’s like abstract chaos that he can’t even begin to think about!), paperwork and many other things. However in other ways he is genius-level, has an encyclopaedic knowledge of many subjects, and in some ways is highly organised.

I don't know. I think he did, but possibly I just never expected that level of multitasking from him in the past.

It's hard to unpick, because I'm not that motivated by interaction with other people, so I could have easily not noticed these things until they began to inconvenience me. Which they did when we had a 3rd child (it was a lot to cope with on my own) and when I had chemo and he wasn't really able to step up and support me the way I needed.

So, at this point I have become much more aware of and analytical of his behaviour. Today did feel like a bit of a low point in executive function, to be honest.

@BotherationBuggeration - I have wondered about ADHD (+/- ASD), and I think the ADHD traits have always been there.

Is he employed?
What sort of job does he do?
If so how is it going at work? Any issues?

He's a self employed gardener, running a small business. Things are going OK. On the face of it, it's a moderately successful business. He does work excessive hours (60+ a week) for only moderate amounts of pay/profit, and along the way he's had a lot of support from a lot of people.

He does now employ others, and they don't leave as regularly as they used to (he did have staffing problems). He won't talk to anyone else at work about whether they see any issues similar to what I see, though, so I have no idea. He reports that it's all great. It must be reasonably good, because he has quite high end clients. He is very superficially charming as a man, very good at gardening, very creative and very good at sales.

I did support him financially for a number of years. He has very little financial sense, it seems, and takes no interest in domestic/family finance. He does give me a monthly amount of money to contribute to family finance that is now almost 50% of the amount we need.

@staffiegirl -I've thought of both life without him (and agreed to him leaving 3 times in the last 2 years). I have also considered that this is who he is, and he can't/won't change.

In summary, I will be leaving him if things don't change radically in the next 3 months. He knows that, and exploring a diagnosis is part of that process. I have a strong conviction that life will actually be easier without him, but I'm very sad for the children that we might split up.

So he doesn't forget work appointments? Organises his own calendar?
Organises his tasks at work and organises other people successfully?

Having autism doesnt explain him being an uncaring husband though. It might explain why he demonstrates he cares differently than other men, or why he can be difficult about certain things but autism isnt incompatible with being uncaring or lazy.

@Windyone - he says he does organise himself fine at work.

My own view is that it took him a long time to learn how to (I had to teach him, but he doesn't recall that), and he did used to forget appointments, be late, forget to invoice, forget to check he'd been paid etc. He has learnt how to manage that or to delegate managing that side of things.

I think there is a huge element of laziness, unkindness and taking me for granted. I think there might be ASD and/or ADHD as well, but my family (as in parents and siblings) are living, walking proof that neurodiverse people can be loving, caring and supportive. So I do know it's not all caused by autism or ADHD.

Sorry I was being a bit harsh just to get more info. How will you feel if he doesn't get the diagnosis you expect?

autism usually gets a bit less severe with age, as patients learn coping mechanisms, rather than getting worse.
Totally disagree with this, sorry. Yes you can learn coping mechanisms but frequently once you get to 40s/50s you start struggling more because the pressure of trying to fit in & adapt & get things right gets too much. It's why so many women are now being diagnosed in their 40s and above (me included) - I struggle a lot more now than I used to.

but my family (as in parents and siblings) are living, walking proof that neurodiverse people can be loving, caring and supportive
But everyone on the spectrum is different. My dad is very likely on the spectrum & he's not been caring or supportive, not in obvious ways. He comes across as bloody lazy (part he probably is lazy, part is my mum not letting him do anything, and part is probably not knowing what to do & not seeing the need for it. But I think (with autistic hindsight) that much of the supposed uncaring & selfishness was autism - he doesn't see the need to show support or take an interest. He's crap on the phone - he'll ask me a question and then mere seconds after I've started answering he'll change the subject, and it doesn't matter how many times I tell him he's rude he just doesn't get it or see it's a problem. People just vary in how it affects them.

@Windyone - I won't be that surprised. I'm on the fence, as although I can see a lot of autistic traits, his absolute instance that he doesn't actually experience any of the difficulties that other people see suggests to me that he is to an extent, just putting on an air of incompetence because it means that I do all the hard work.

I'll be upset, and annoyed with myself for putting up with him for this long, but I will also be galvanised to leave him.

@RangeRider - I also worry about the interaction of autism and aging. It's not well studied, and although I feel like I cope better as the years go on, I'm not yet 40 so it may still be all around the corner. My DH does seem to be older than his age, and to struggle more as time has gone on. But, it could also be that our lives have got more complicated with time (it's not just the two of us with no responsibilities now, and he doesn't seem to have kept up with the changes to our lives like having children etc.)

Anyway, thank you all for confirming what I thought in terms of the issues I see being genuine issues.

his absolute instance that he doesn't actually experience any of the difficulties that other people see suggests to me that he is to an extent, just putting on an air of incompetence because it means that I do all the hard work.
He may not see that he experiences any of the difficulties purely because he's found coping mechanisms for them (even if some involve you doing a lot of stuff!). I often think that I don't struggle that much and then I realise it's because I don't go out much, rarely socialise and avoid the telephone like mad etc.! I've restricted my life in a way so that I can cope, but it means that I underestimate my struggles - if I took those coping mechanisms out then I'd really, really struggle!!
Maybe try thinking about the sorts of things that others struggle with and see if you can identify any mechanisms he's implemented? Then both of you would see the impact.
he doesn't seem to have kept up with the changes to our lives like having children etc.
He might struggle more with changes than you, or struggle with different changes? Or maybe having children seems less of a change to you because you did the whole getting pregnant, giving birth thing so in a way you were more in control of it. Changes that you have no control over are the hardest for me to accept, changes I can control are so much easier. But that's just my take on it.

As an update, we had the appointment yesterday. No on the spot diagnosis, but the psychologist thought that ASD was unlikely but ADHD is a real possibility.

We have to go back for a full ADHD assessment.

That’s interesting, and I can’t say I’m surprised! How do you feel?

It's interesting because my dh is a bit like yours but to the extent that I've adapted, so for example there is no way I would have asked him to make those sandwiches - he would make such a big deal about it and I certainly don't talk to him when he's trying to do a 'pressurised' task like making sandwiches quickly.

My empathy.
I too have a partner and father with these kind of difficulties...

I understand... For the most part... Theu can't 'help' the it.... Doesn't stop it from being infuriating when the simplest tasks take aeons and they can't be relied upon

I usually try to be as understanding as I can. It's just really hard when we are trying to parent together and I can't rely on him.

I am hoping that a diagnosis would help him accept that he has quite serious limitations (and that that puts a lot of pressure on me), and if he were to acknowledge it then he could try to work on it.