MIL buying baby stuff for her house

[Idontknowwhyimbothering]

I have a 7 month old DS. I had a few problems during my pregnancy with MIL as she was so over bearing and becoming obsessive. No huge back story but she’s always wanted another child (her youngest is 4) and acts like DS is hers. I probably am BU when I say it annoys me that her profile picture/cover photo on FB is DS and I have no ‘public’ photos of him. She constantly posts pictures of him, sometimes saying she’s babysitting him, when he’s sat right at home with me?

She was obsessive when he was first born and would ask to visit at least twice a day but now she sees him every 2 weeks but never asks about him to me or DP inbetween. It feels like the novelty’s worn off. The FB posts haven’t stopped though and she keeps bragging about how she has bought DS so much for Christmas and that she is his favourite Nanny. My DM saw this and felt a little bit offended as MIL seems to think spending lots of money on DS makes her the favourite and my DM is struggling this Christmas after losing my DF.

When we visit if DS cries she won’t pass him back to me. She bounces him around and tries to distract him saying he’s not hungry or he doesn’t want mummy or he’s not tired (when he is. I know!) to the point he ends up screaming. I’ve started picking him up off her and she always looks at me in disgust for doing so.

She has bought a pram, toys, bouncers and a Moses basket for DS to keep at her house. She constantly goes on about how it’s for when he stays over and even though I let her babysit him for an hour or two here or there, I told her I wasn’t comfortable with sleepovers and she took the huff.

It just irritates me when she refers to DS as her “little lad” or “my baby boy” on social media as one of her old friends commented saying she didn’t know MIL had another child and congratulations. People think my son is hers because of the way she posts about him constantly then ignores the comments saying congratulations etc 🙄

I know I sound U and I would be grateful if it felt like it was coming from a genuine place, but she asks to borrow money off DP saying she has no food in then posts on FB about all the crap she’s bought for DS and how it makes her the best Nanny ever.

I’d love to go low contact and I think so would DP, he said she never bothers with him unless she’s after money or a favour. We’re spending Christmas Eve with her and I am dreading DS being snatched away from me, showered with loads of gifts and my family being made to feel inferior by her for not buying him as much

She sounds horrible.

What is her own 4 year old doing whilst she’s behaving like a year over your child?

She doesn’t let her 4yr old DS near him. Say she’s holding my DS, If 4 year old asks to hold him or play with him she ‘jokingly’ says no it’s her “turn”. Once when DS was crying as a newborn she asked me to wait my turn.

I want to delete her off social media but it would be too obvious so I think I’ll end up deleting everything all together

This is several issues:
1.) You DP should deal with his mother. If you don't want photos on social media, that is allowed. Tell her that she shouldn't post any photos of it
2.) It doesn't matter how much you spend on Christmas.
3.) Just keep taking baby off of MiL. Who cares if she gives you daggers. It is your baby, your rules.
4.) Let her buy what she wants, she is only wasting her own money. You are still in charge.
5.) When she asks you for money, have DP tell her to sell the baby things she bought as you can't loan money. You two need to be a united front on this. 'Sorry, with baby, we are not in a position to loan money'. The end.

Basically, get off social media. Let her do what she wants, she is only making a fool of herself. Control the things you can: 1.) No photos, 2.) Take baby back when you want it 3.) no loaning money.

She is just making a fool of herself

Honestly, let her buy whatever she wants to keep at hers - he’s there little enough that it’s silly. Correct her when she outright lies. Keep boundaries firm.

@Idontknowwhyimbothering, go low contact with her then. Why are you spending Christmas Eve with her if you don't mind me asking?

The money and spending thing always worried my mum as we're very working class and my nieces and nephews have very well off grandparents who splurge on gifts and give them money, yet my mum is their favourite grandparent. Because she knows them, loves them and would do anything for them. One year one of my nieces got £100 cash from her gran. My niece said thank you but she doesn't care for her gran because she tries to buy her affections and doesn't know who she is or loves her the way my mum does. My mum spent £30 on that niece the same year on lots of little things she knew my niece would love and my niece was so touched and overwhelmed by how much my mum knows her she cried for 20 mins, because the difference was so clear for her to see. One gran threw money at her, another went out of her way to find things that she knew she'd love and make it special for her. Kids know who values them and they react acordingly. It's harder when they're little because stuff=love at that age, but when they get older they understand.

You could always limit what she buys him, refuse to take things and tell her you wont accept certain things. Report the posting of his pictures to facebook every time she posts them, don't send her photos and when she posts them comment you'd rather she didn't share pictures of your son. When she posts she's babysitting comment that you hope she has fun but you have no idea who she's babysitting because you son is right in front of you. She'll get the message soon enough.

Let her buy what she wants. I'd be taking great delight in telling her how stupid a Moses basket is for a 7 month old anyway. I wouldn't trust DD in one at 3.5 months as she'd probably tip it over.

Keep enforcing boundaries, take baby off her when you feel you need to and correct where appropriate. You are not beholden to this woman. It sounds like she's only interested in the baby phase any way.

Oh and empower your DM to politely challenge all the favourite Nanny crap.

I feel annoyed for you. I think you’d feel a lot of relief going low contact. Hope your mum doesn’t struggle too much without your DF this Christmas. I’m sorry for your loss 🌸

I don’t have social media but can you comment on hers? So if she says she has ds when she clearly doesn’t call her out on it publicly. Comment back saying you know your ds her grand stud gorgeous. And repeat.

I would second all of @ZoeWashburne advice. YANBU at all op, set the boundaries then stick to them. I would also tell her that I'm uncomfortable about the social media lies and that if they don't stop you'll have to start correcting them. What if if you'd told someone you couldn't see them as you were home with poorly DS then they see a post saying he's with mil. It puts you on an awkward position...and it's just plain weird

We’re spending Christmas Eve with her as we kind of “have” to, she only lives 3 blocks away and DP sees his DM every Christmas so we said we’d go on Xmas eve. On Christmas Day were at my DMs.

I know really my DM will be the most loving as she already is. She always asks about DS, doesn’t spend loads of money on him (which would be pointless) but she showers him with love.

If I report the FB posts wont she know it’s me?

Is it just Facebook bragging? I don't suppose you will really know until Christmas. To start unfollow her on Facebook. She is not going to stop, but you can choose not to see it if it users you. If she asks why you have stopped liking her posts, tell her you find the 'my little lad and my baby' comments uncomfortable.

Your DP has to stop giving her money. He can say, no you need to stop buying stuff and budget properly. Tell him to repeat the phrase 'Who is the parent here'

Are your parents going to hers on Christmas eve? How would they be made to feel inferior by buying your son less? If she asks what have they bought him - just reply 'I don't do that, its not in the spirit of Christmas is it'

Only small things but added together will reinforce some boundaries.

You can mute her on social media without deleting her (I’ve done this with my UKIP-inclined, Britain First-sharing MIL). That might relieve some of your stress! Suggest to your mum that she does the same.

Let her buy whatever she wants. Your little boy won’t pay the least bit of attention to presents this year. And in the future, he won’t be fooled. You can’t buy a child’s love.

And maybe give your nephew a bit of extra attention because it sounds like his mum is ignoring him and that makes me sad.

@StarsHollow123 it did kind of happen 😂 Me and MIL have a mutual friend and friend asked me to go for lunch that day with DS but I said his teeth was bad so we could do it next week instead. Then MIL posts a picture of him saying she loves babysitting her baby boy he’s currently watching Paw Patrol blah blah blah yet he was sat at home with me!!

And the picture she posted was a picture from a few weeks ago where she sent it me saying he was watching Baby TV so it’s all a bit odd

There’s a pattern on her social media my friend picked up on that when her kids are babies/toddlers there’s loads of posts and pictures of them yet once they get older they barely get mentioned. I think she just likes having a baby to show off 🤯

Can’t you call her out on it publicly on fb? Who cares if she knows it you. Take back control!

She sounds very immature, some women are very fickle wrt their children and always chase the smallest baby, try to make themselves needed for the baby when really it's all for them.

The whole present thing is particularly pathetic, make sure your family know ahead of the day that the ott presents and favourite Nanny thing is all in her head, and you're glad no one else is filling your house with crap. If it were me I'd tell my Mother that MIL has bought DS more than even you have, because you think it's so unnecessary. It sounds like a bitchy comment, but at least you Mum may be looking at the gift shower as MIL's poor judgement rather than feeling inadequate herself.

I’d publicly “correct” her when she outright lies. “He is tired/hungry and he needs his mummy” and take him off of her, daggers or not. When she says she’s babysitting him and she’s not “you have another grandson you haven’t told us about? Hahaha. DS is cuddled up in my arms and says hi nanny”

Let her waste her own money on shit that no one needs. But don’t loan her any sodding money. She’s an idiot and her son needs to have words with her.

Cut contact till she starts being normal also as ppl have said above you need to make her aware of the issues. Good luck op

Rassure your Mum that she is much loved and she doesn't need to buy him things.

Your DP needs to stop giving her money.

When she takes your son from you, you need to insist and intervene early. Ignore the looks of disgust. Perhaps it's worth making a point that she has her own children who want / need her attention and love.

(I feel sorry for your DP and his younger sibling)

I feel so sorry for DP and BILs too (feels weird typing that. Ones 4!) but she just treats DP like a cash machine

He has stopped lending to her last week as he said she isn’t grateful at all

I don't understand why so many people live so close to family members they don't get on with, it seems a recipe for disaster to me.

I’d comment on the lying posts. Along the lines of, Er no, mil, he’s at home with me? Are you ok?!
When she says about how much she’s spent, way nothing, what’s the point? When she does the posts to get congratulated on her new baby, comment and say no, Ds is her grandson. I also feel sorry for her 4 year old.
When she’s holding your child who wants his mum, take him off her. Say he wants his mum. I’d have nipped it all in the bud, but I’m a bit of a cowbag.

Me and DP grew up round the corner from each other but we are hoping to move in the New year. Far far away 😂

one of her old friends commented saying she didn’t know MIL had another child and congratulations.

Do you not think that was deliberate? They know her, I'd suspect that was a dig.