MIL buying baby stuff for her house

[Idontknowwhyimbothering]

I have a 7 month old DS. I had a few problems during my pregnancy with MIL as she was so over bearing and becoming obsessive. No huge back story but she’s always wanted another child (her youngest is 4) and acts like DS is hers. I probably am BU when I say it annoys me that her profile picture/cover photo on FB is DS and I have no ‘public’ photos of him. She constantly posts pictures of him, sometimes saying she’s babysitting him, when he’s sat right at home with me?

She was obsessive when he was first born and would ask to visit at least twice a day but now she sees him every 2 weeks but never asks about him to me or DP inbetween. It feels like the novelty’s worn off. The FB posts haven’t stopped though and she keeps bragging about how she has bought DS so much for Christmas and that she is his favourite Nanny. My DM saw this and felt a little bit offended as MIL seems to think spending lots of money on DS makes her the favourite and my DM is struggling this Christmas after losing my DF.

When we visit if DS cries she won’t pass him back to me. She bounces him around and tries to distract him saying he’s not hungry or he doesn’t want mummy or he’s not tired (when he is. I know!) to the point he ends up screaming. I’ve started picking him up off her and she always looks at me in disgust for doing so.

She has bought a pram, toys, bouncers and a Moses basket for DS to keep at her house. She constantly goes on about how it’s for when he stays over and even though I let her babysit him for an hour or two here or there, I told her I wasn’t comfortable with sleepovers and she took the huff.

It just irritates me when she refers to DS as her “little lad” or “my baby boy” on social media as one of her old friends commented saying she didn’t know MIL had another child and congratulations. People think my son is hers because of the way she posts about him constantly then ignores the comments saying congratulations etc 🙄

I know I sound U and I would be grateful if it felt like it was coming from a genuine place, but she asks to borrow money off DP saying she has no food in then posts on FB about all the crap she’s bought for DS and how it makes her the best Nanny ever.

I’d love to go low contact and I think so would DP, he said she never bothers with him unless she’s after money or a favour. We’re spending Christmas Eve with her and I am dreading DS being snatched away from me, showered with loads of gifts and my family being made to feel inferior by her for not buying him as much

I can see what you mean but I don’t think the person went on FB often so genuinely thought she’d had another child

I would stop going there so much. If you and your partner both don't enjoy it, then don't go. Arrange on Christmas eve to go for a walk locally with them instead off cooped up in the house with her. That way baby is in pram or sling and she can't grab him so much.
Repeat for every other visit so she 'sees' him but can't interfere so much.

2 weeks is often to visit someone you aren't keen on.

Soon baby will be old enough to move away and do his own thing so she won't be able to constantly pick him up and cuddle if he doesnt like it

You really need to grow a back bone, come off social media, enjoy time with your DP and baby. And grow a thick skin.

Do you correct her when she lies on FB? It's easy enough to post "What grandchild are you babysitting? It can't be DS, he's here with me".

I’d report her to Facebook and ask for all picture of your child to be removed. I feel sorry for her 4 yo and bils. For their sakes I’d stay in contact but lower contact with her. Maybe try to take the 4 yo / children out without her around if you can.

She sounds immature and addicted to the baby stage. Your dp really needs to deal with this woman himself and both stand up to her. So what if she has a tantrum. You are parents now and she needs to respect that.

When she tells the 4 yo to go away, do you call her out at all? Better yet, speak directly to him so he knows he’s cared about. Eg take your baby back and say to him to come and have a snuggle with the two of you. Then have a chat. 4 yos can be very sweet and charming.

Oh my, it sounds like you have a narcissistic MIL, having one myself, (who I have thankfully been no contact with for six/ seven years) I fully empathise! I wouldn’t bother with pulling her up on the lies. You could post a pic of you with baby in arms, blanket covering his face, saying ‘look Daddy I am finally asleep’ and tag your dh. But she is likely to get the narc rage and tbh it isn’t worth it!

Perhaps share her post with your dh, asking if his Mum is ok. But again he would be the subject of her narc rage. Her poor little boy is likely learning now what it is like to be a scapegoat. I bet he was golden child whilst he was a baby, but now he is beginning to think for himself and say no to her, as well as no longer blindly worshiping her, she has moved onto the next baby! I would be asking your dh to make sure she has bought for his baby brother as well as your ds. As that poor baby is going to grow up hating his ‘nephew?’ for the fact his Mummy gives him more gifts and seems to love him more.

If she hasn’t I would be suggesting she sell the gifts/ baby equipment and buy for her ds.

this is my mother OP.

she craves the attention she gets when she has a baby but hates when they get to the difficult have their own personality stage I know babies have personalities

Your MIL is craving the attention and your baby is the latest 'prop' for that attention.

Report all the photographs. Correct her whenever she lies about having him. your DP needs to do the same too.

Urgh she sounds like a nightmare! What does your partner think about all this?

About the social media, if you don’t want her to post photos. Please tell her and be firm. ‘ We don’t want pictures of DS on social media but maybe we could have a WhatsApp group to share photos privately?’

My MIL is a saint compared to yours but I can relate to the taking the baby away, and then getting a funny look when you want to take your crying baby back because they are hungry/ overtired/ clearly need you. Some people are not self aware and need firm boundaries. Be firm or it will only get worse.

Oh OP YANBU and this rings soo many bells but with my DM! Its easy as an outsider to suggest you tell her but i know i couldnt do that. My dad posted a picture of DS announcing his birth when we had specifically asked for nothing on FB about him. I hit the roif, rang my dad and had a go. Then got bullied into posting about DS because me family wanted to tell people 'thier' news. My point is, its so hard to continuously stand your ground on this type of thing. she will persist until she gets her way. I have no advice at all, im juat so sorry youre also in this position!

It sounds like she wants to just be the picture perfect nanny.

Just stop visiting so much. Say you have plans and when she posts the photos on Facebook with fake stories attached just comment "oh is that from when we last visited? So cute, we're having a great day doing XYZ".

I remember my MIL behaving like this except for the fb. She would buy nappies, clothes and a travel cot saying its for when our daughter came to stay the night. She would then buy rains and all pretty much all the other stuff she needed. It made me feel uncomfortable tbh im not totally sure why. I think she was trying to recreate when she had her own children. It was a bit obsessive but i know she meant no harm. The expectation to visit a lot was hard though. The sad thing is we are now divorces and she doesn't see them at all.
I think you need to set some boundaries with her but your husband should really be stepping up to the plate and doing the lions share as its his mother. Explain that you dont really want your child on fb, that will cut out a lot of the issues.

You and DH need to put boundaries in place now. It isn't too late but you need to be consistent.

My ex-MIL used to turn up at my friend's houses if I wasn't home so she could see 'her baby girl'!

Go on OP, have a bit of fun with the FB posts. If someone asks if she's had another child, comment to say "LOL! She hasn't, this is MY son, her grand child". When she posts to say she's babysitting, comment "MIL, you must be muddled, because DGS is sitting right here with me" with a smiley face.

I read something recently by a woman who'd just become a grandmother, about the difference between knowing in her head that the baby isn't hers, vs the physical feeling of having a baby that she's closely related to in her arms.

I'm not a grandmother so I haven't had that experience, but it would kind of explain why so many mothers and MILs call your baby theirs, why they won't give them back etc. We are just animals and my guess is that the urge to nurture kin gets switched on at some level that we don't really understand.

There are clearly a lot of older women around who have no idea of boundaries here - we aren't really taught this stuff, how to be a good MIL, are we? Then their biological urges go haywire. What a perfect storm.

(No comment on the FB stuff though, talking more generally.)

(As an aside it used to piss me off when MIL bought baby stuff for her home that was three times as nice as what we could afford, and only got used once in a blue moon.)

Whos taking pics that shes always posting up?
If you're uncomfortable with photos being shared, tell her to take them down/stop sending them/no more photos can be posted in future.

NoraEphronsneck

My ex-MIL used to turn up at my friend's houses if I wasn't home so she could see 'her baby girl'!

Aaaaarrggghhhhhhh! No escape.

prunemerealgood

I get that theory.

I am zero % maternal naturally, and my sister is astonished at how good I am with my nephew - and I actually like him too! I always said to people as a joke 'I don't like other people's children' - 'Just your own?' - 'I don't have any.' etc.

That, combined with an attention seeker who actually does love babies probably accounts for all this weirdness.

I'd call her out on facebook. If she writes she has him with her, I'd post, "Please don't. He is here with me, he is unwell and I have had to cancel our plans to meet friends. It makes me look like a liar, when in fact, you are." But then I don't have to get along with her for the next 40 years. I'm guessing she is in her 40s.

I would try and distance myself from her. She is toxic.

So tough. It’d be easy for me to say stand your ground but it’s hard. Both my DM and MIL drive me nuts. My DM constantly refers to my LO as “my babies”, “my princess” etc blah and MIL has more toys are hers than we do despite only seeing kids about once a month 😒

She constantly posts pictures of him, sometimes saying she’s babysitting him, when he’s sat right at home with me?

That's fucked up.

I hope your DP won't lend/give her any money again. And I wouldn't bother seeing her on Xmas Eve. And I'd take DS back every time she tried to monopolise him. Let her dirty looks wash over you. Who cares?

As for the social media, I'd probably ask her not to post any more pics of DS and to take down existing ones, as your decision has been not to put photos of him up in public. In the meantime, call her out on the lying posts –I wouldn't do this on FB but in person.

Yup this all sounds very familiar, my mother was rabidly jealous of me when I had DS. She really wanted to oust me from my position as mother of DS, demanding she got called ‘momma’ and ranting about how unfair it was that I was still here and how lucky my father was because DS’s father wasn’t really around so he didn’t have any competition for ds’s affection/ status in his life!

Utterly bonkers.

Yet now she can’t be bothered to see DS or talk to him on he phone. We’re visiting her before Xmas and she’ll be seeing us for the first time in a year, and all she can say about DS is whine about how upset it will make her that he’s grown and that she won’t even recognise him, and that he won’t be the same person! Of course he’s the same person, he’s him, growing and developing and changing yes, but that’s what children do. I find it lovely, to see what DS will be into next and how his interests and hobbies develop as his skills develop too. It’s a good thing!

It’s as if she has the ownership rights over the ‘real and original DS’, and she is actively rejecting DS because he had the audacity to grow and change from that model she has in her head. So in her head as a consequence of him growing away from the ideal DS she owns, she is perfectly rational and within her rights to reject the inferior pretend DS that is now.... it’s an utterly self obsessed way to think but that’s what she’s doing.

Poor cv cs, and poor you and your dp.