Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What am I doing wrong??

30 replies

fallingleavess · 06/12/2018 00:08

Every time I have a bad day it something important is happening he causes a row...

I'm not sure if it's gaslighting or not so for example a few days ago our dryer broke so had a rushed afternoon getting a new one getting rid of the old one, as well as school runs, clubs dinner ect. I was feeling a little stressed, he was in work so tried to get it all sorted before picking him up so he didn't have a stress after work, so we got home and I sorting out the washing and he excused me of being huffy and short I honestly don't believe I was I didn't moan or anything I was just getting on, so I said please don't act like I'm being worse than I am ( I rushed all afternoon for a stress free evening so I really didn't think I was huffy) he blew up said I was saying making things up and he hadn't said that I was huffy then said because I had a bad day I was trying to ruin his day ect.

I don't get it though I didn't do anything imo?

He carried in shouting and basically playing a victim for an hour then just wanted to carry on as normal so I did I talked nice. Then my friend called apparently I was talking to loud on the phone he blew up again and then 20 mins later he wants to talk normal again I said no you can't keep shouting at me then act normal and he blew up again of course he's saying it's all me and Iv ruined the night ... is it me ? I know this seems very trivial but it's just an example of what it's like

I don't know what I'm doing wrong he then went to sleep without saying good night because I was talking to loud, all i wanted after a busy day was a hug I don't no how to take this

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 06/12/2018 00:12

He's an idiot. Sounds as though he's sulky if he doesn't get enough attention, like a big manchild.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2018 00:21

Is he always such an unhinged arsehole? If he is, why on earth are you with him?

user1473878824 · 06/12/2018 00:22

OP, being generous, it sounds like he’s a dickhead.

Lovingbenidorm · 06/12/2018 00:26

I couldn’t live like that op. Have to agree with pp, he sounds like a total arse wipe

6triesbuttingout · 06/12/2018 00:34

That’s emotional abuse. Get rid

nocoolnamesleft · 06/12/2018 00:57

It's not you. It's him. He's a tosser.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/12/2018 01:13

It sound like he, at best, thoroughly disliked you; at worst, hates you.

It also sounds like you have a million more reasons to loathe him. He sounds vile.

Thanks
incallthebloodytime · 06/12/2018 01:15

What you're doing wrong is staying

Life's too short to be miserable with a jerk

If you can - LTB

SpoonBlender · 06/12/2018 01:30

Same as incall. You're staying with him. Don't do that, he's clearly a complete cock.

Shriek · 06/12/2018 01:37

Listen to yourself, feel what its doing to you, believe yourself and act on it.

You will get nowhere trying to reason this out with him, he will just make you feel worse.

sheldonesque · 06/12/2018 01:45

YOU are doing nothing wrong.

He on the other hand is.

I'm with incall

caringcarer · 06/12/2018 01:54

Unless he has just out he has cancer and not told you or something of that magnitude he is being a dick. Is it possible he is having an affair and looking for an excuse to make you kick him out? Only you know if he is normally like this. I couldn't be bothered with someone like this who is making you feel miserable and having to walk on egg shells in your own home. Tell him to buck up or fuck off.

MadameJosephine · 06/12/2018 01:54

Life is too short to be putting up with so much shit! Get rid of the loser, what’s the point of being with him?

delboysskinandblister · 06/12/2018 01:58

if you're unhappy and it's just not working value yourself to move on. Even if you feel he has his good points and it's hard it's not working.

If you are passive and he is not doing anything other than 'directing' the relationship then you need to jump out of the vortex. Cake

Cloglover · 06/12/2018 01:59

Worrying that you wanted to sort out the dryer so 'he wouldn't have stress after work'. Things break, the stress is the backlog of washing - not how someone else (that I am going to presume doesn't do the washing) is going to react.

No normal loving partner acts like a dick for an hour. They act like a dick for 2 minutes then apologise for acting like a dick.

Has he always been like this?

Does he act like this in front of the children? Is he like it to them?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 06/12/2018 02:00

Sounds exhausting

Motoko · 06/12/2018 02:00

He's being emotionally abusive. You can do better than him, LTB, or you'll be putting up with this shit for the rest of your life.

Cloglover · 06/12/2018 02:01

You sound kind and caring OP, absolutely don't deserve to be treated like this. X

Original poster
fallingleavess · 06/12/2018 08:14

Wow these comments are hard to read but I do really appreciate it!

No he hasn't always been like this at all, he used to be brilliant. Attentive, supporting the rest and then it's slowly creeped in I suppose.

I have spoken to him this morning and he said it was because it made him feel like he wasn't doing his part properly because I was stressed and he reacted wrongly ... that doesn't make sense though to me.

I like to think I'm not a mug I do defend myself and pick him up on things but lately Iv just let it go over maybe that's the problem

OP posts:
redexpat · 06/12/2018 09:06

He's doing it to make you always second guess yourself. To make you always wonder what mood he will be in. To put the blame for his behaviour on you, regardless of what you do. This gradually chips away your self esteem until you dont know which way is up and you are paralysed by fear. Have a look on the relationships board. Read why does he do that.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/12/2018 09:20

Stop letting it go.

Stop putting up with his vile behaviour. If he hates you as much as he implies, then leave him to it.

Original poster
fallingleavess · 06/12/2018 10:24

I'm definitely going to have to do some thinking, I think the hardest part is that I don't understand it , and I know it's a cliche but he was amazing and still is at times but I suppose becoming less and less!

It's sad though because I feel like I give him no reason to get cross and call names and I suppose micro manage that but I think I need to open my eyes to the real issue even I don't understand it

OP posts:
Motoko · 06/12/2018 11:22

Abusers do start off being great, it's how they hook you. And then when they start abusing you, they do have times when they're really nice again. It's designed to keep you on the hook, because you remember when they were nice, and still see moments of this, so think you can do something to change them back to who they were at the start. You start modifying your behaviour, so as not to set them off, you're walking on eggshells.

There is no changing back to the lovely guy they were, no matter what you do, they'll find some reason to blow up at you. You live in a constant state of anxiety, and it will do you no good.

You need to get out of this relationship.

Original poster
fallingleavess · 06/12/2018 11:49

I do walk in egg shells more now not out of fear but I just can't deal with the blow out so I try and do things to avoid that and that's not right is it !

What happens to make them change I can't understand where my supportive loving husband has gone ? And is it a consensus that the old version won't return ? Is there a way to fix this ?

OP posts:
Motoko · 06/12/2018 12:22

Unlikely. He'd need to agree that what he's doing is wrong, and then be willing to change his behaviour. It's advised that you don't have joint counselling with an abuser, because they use it to their advantage.

Start planning your exit.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.