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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend being ungrateful...

30 replies

LittleMissUnreasonable · 05/12/2018 23:19

Close friends birthday recently, she is normally lavish with other people's birthdays so I thought I would treat her. I got her an experience day thing (won't be outing but let's just say it's for afternoon tea). Paid extra for her to be able to take a friend. All good.
Birthday was in mid October, the voucher runs out late January. I keep asking if she has contacted her friend and booked in yet. She keeps saying "no I need to do it, I haven't got around to it yet". I'm worried the h voucher will run out and it will be £50 down the drain... Its one of these places where you ring up and say you have a voucher and they tell you what slots they have available. Avalibility is likely to shoot down around December time. Aibu to feel put out she hasn't redeemed it and doesn't seem in the least bit guilty or apologetic at how it's coming across?

OP posts:
VictoryOrValhalla · 05/12/2018 23:20

It’s hers to use or not use as she pleases. Once you give a gift you don’t get to decide what happens to it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/12/2018 23:21

Oh lord, you keep asking her?

That’s no gift. That’s stress. That’s a task she has to complete in order to make you feel satisfactorily rewarded.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/12/2018 23:22

It is disappointing when people don’t use vouchers you’ve paid for, but it also really isn’t your business and I’d definitely stop asking her now. You’ve reminded her of the expiry date, now it’s up to her.

VictoryOrValhalla · 05/12/2018 23:26

Btw gift vouchers are notorious for not being used. Google it for the exact figures. I hate getting them because they’re usually for something I wouldn’t usually do/buy and it’s a hassle to organise.

TrippingTheVelvet · 05/12/2018 23:28

Maybe she doesn't fancy it? If it's a spa type treatment she might either hate them or be funny about who she uses and not want to try someone else.

Original poster
LittleMissUnreasonable · 05/12/2018 23:31

Totally get the feedback, I will stop pestering :)
Also the voucher is something she really likes and talks about a lot

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2018 23:39

Just leave her alone FGS. You're probably driving her mad.

melj1213 · 05/12/2018 23:40

YABU- once a gift is given it is the recipient's choice what to do with it (or not) and you don't get to have any control over that.

Perhaps your friend has a busy schedule and wants to save it for after Christmas, or she just needs to find time to fit it in ... I mean the voucher is only valid for 3 months, and has restrictions on when it can be used, so it's not her fault if she can't rearrange her schedule to use it to your satisfaction. The fact you are bugging her about it might be making her reluctant to actually use it in case you intend to interrogate her about the entire experience.

Bloominglovely · 05/12/2018 23:58

It is really inappropriate to ask your friend about using the voucher. It is hers to do with as she pleases. If she wants to give it to someone else to use, that should be of no consequence to you.

If you gave her a scarf, would you ask her how often and when and where she wore it?

delboysskinandblister · 06/12/2018 00:04

tis the 'silly season' at the moment so she'll be massively busy.

She'll enjoy booking after Christmas (when Santa's back in his chilly hut)
for a nice time in January something to look forward to when all the decorations come down Smile

Ne fret pas!

Butterflycookie · 06/12/2018 00:09

I disagree with the others! You’ve put a lot of thought into her present, and it could end up being wasted. It’s not like it’s a normal gift card. Although, I’d probably stop asking her

Coromandel · 06/12/2018 00:17

My dearest daughter who I love dearly has given me vouchers in the past, for afternoon tea here and a spa treatment there. She lives the other side of the country. She also kept asking me if I'd used them, or booked in. One voucher was in fact for a 2 hour speciality cookery thing - so there were only half a dozen days it was running.
Unfortunately I was genuinely unable to fit these things in. I can go out of my way to use it but then it seems like a chore to organise.
I 'love' going for afternoon tea, spontaneously, at a place of my choice but vouchers are very limited for timing and just a bit tiresome. It's like, you have to go to a particular place on a day and time that's available. As a pp said, google how many vouchers remain unused. It's a big number.

llangennith · 06/12/2018 00:21

I'm with you OP. You took the time to think of a nice gift, paid a lot for it and it's like she's dumped it in the bin.
I'd suggest you say that if she won't have time to use it can you buy it off her. That way she either uses it or sells it back to you and you go and have a nice time. She's rude and ungrateful.

Feliciaxxx · 06/12/2018 00:29

I know exactly how you feel OP. Bought PILs experiences that we thought they'd enjoy but they were never used. Won't make that mistake again!

Excited101 · 06/12/2018 00:33

Why on earth would she be taking another friend and not you?! I would buy a present like that for something for us to do together, not for them and another friend- I find that really odd, might she feel the same?

ABoozedMoose · 06/12/2018 00:55

I have been given vouchers (for me and a plus one) that I wasn't able to use and felt awful. My friend kept asking but I really couldn't find a whole day that worked for me and my an.other within the very short time that they were valid for (I think it was Nov-March or something and coincided with all the busyness over Christmas followed by our busiest time at work - which she knew about as she used to work there).

They're a nice idea but they do put the person you have given them to under pressure to find the time - which is usually hard when combined with other commitments and pre-existing arrangements

LoudJazzHands · 06/12/2018 02:46

Do you think she might have given it to someone else?

Angharad07 · 06/12/2018 03:02

I did this for a friend once. It was a £30 day excursion that was one of his hobbies- we were students at the time so £30 was a lot of money for me.

I casually asked him if he’d used the voucher and he casually replied “nah it expired...oh well”.

He’s still my friend but I vowed never to get him a gift ever again- and haven’t since.

Angharad07 · 06/12/2018 03:04

By the way, I wouldn’t have been too bothered i he couldn’t make it before the expiry date. It was the lack of concern or any real thankfulness for the gift that bothered me.

incallthebloodytime · 06/12/2018 03:08

Whether she does or doesn't use it

You spent £50 on treating your friend. That hasn't changed and I'm sure she's aware of the gesture

Let it go

ThistleAmore · 06/12/2018 03:08

We've (politely and respectfully) asked a family member not to buy us gifts this year, as they had a habit of buying us things from itison/Wowcha etc which were very specific and time-limited.

OH and I travel a lot for work and tend not to have a lot of time free in the middle of the week to go to a specific place, at a specific time, and we felt guilty that this person's money was being wasted.

We're not fussy - if they really want to buy us a gift (and we don't expect anything at all), a nice bottle of red is grand, thanks. Sometimes, being gifted an 'experience' feels like being held to ransom by a flouffy unicorn....

Monty27 · 06/12/2018 03:10

I wouldn't be happy with a benefactor chasing me in this way.
However I wouldn't be too pleased if I spent £50 on someone that cba to collect their gifi so to speak.
In fact I'd probably suggest returning it as she doesn't have the time to use it.
Use it myself and buy her a bottle of prosecco instead Grin

pasturesgreen · 06/12/2018 04:58

I'd suggest you say that if she won't have time to use it can you buy it off her

Christ , please don't Confused

Of course hindsight is a glorious thing and the thought was lovely, OP, but giving a voucher with a 3-month validity over the festive period, when people are busy as fuck, was probably never going to bode very well. Anyway, it's done now, I'm glad you've taken on board the suggestion to stop mentioning it.

IloveJudgeJudy · 06/12/2018 09:54

I had a similar thing once. Frazzled, with 3 young DC, (lovely DB and SIL had none) DB and SIL bought me a pamper session at a newly opened gym/spa near them - 45 minutes drive away. I really did want to go. SIL kept asking me if I'd used it. The logistics of sorting it were just too much. I know that she was irritated that the gift didn't get used. I wanted to use it, but just couldn't fit in the time; then, time for me came low down on my list of priorities. DH had irregular working hours and I was also working.

They also once bought DS1 a voucher for a ride in one of the balls you stand inside and roll downhill. It was at a place about 90 miles away! We did actually go to that, but the fuel and organisation to arrange it cost us much more than the voucher.

I think the idea of a voucher is great, but sometimes it's a pain in the neck to redeem it, as a recipient.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 06/12/2018 09:57

I think it was a generous gift but it was hers to use or not use as she chooses. By continuing to ask her about it you're probably turning it into a chore that she needs to tick off instead of a treat to look forward to.

My mum has a habit of buying me gifts like that require time and energy (experience days I don't really want, a learn to knit kit) and she always asks if I've done it yet - I find it exhausting and would much rather she gave me something cheap like a box of chocolates which I could scoff or not scoff at my own discretion.

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