I cannot stand my friends kid AIBU?

[BeautifulBlue]

He’s 3 & I know... I know his just a kid. BUT his intolerable. I have kids myself, I know they aren’t always little angels. He’ll throw a tantrum every 5 minutes over literally nothing, he cries, shouts & whinges basically the whole time we visit. Anytime my DDs touch anything he owns he goes into full on meltdown & runs across the room to take it back & calls them fat & ugly they’re neither... My friend is totally wiped out from his behaviour & I feel so bad for her, but the thought of going round there this Sunday (we see them most Sundays) is feeling me with dread! How long can I sit & grit my teeth stopping my DDs from touching anything incase he has a meltdown over it!! (He is all over their toys when he visits us & they say nothing) I love my friend, she’s lovely I want to see her but her kid drives me nuts & I don’t want to see him. AIBU, considering his age? Should I just ignore it & hope as he gets older he’ll get nicer?!

My girls are 4 & 2. I’m the least judgemental person you could meet, trust me. Ben can touch the girls toys? They never say he can’t...

beautiful I have a DD who would sit still for ages from a really young age - would do jigsaws, playdoh and so on. DS was full on from day one. He needed to be out doing stuff or kept really busy all the time otherwise he would mess about.

Sorry, I thought you must have had much two older step-daughters as well as currently being 14 weeks pregnant with your second baby.

You have your hands full, I don't know how you manage to get them all out of the house on a Sunday. A 4 year old, a 2 year old, a non-verbal 16 month old and 14 weeks pregnant with your second baby.

I am in awe. No wonder you hate poor non-existent Ben for not sharing his toys!

I spoke up if my friend's' children were like that - to the child. Usually, the surprise and shock and of being told to behave in a firm voice did the trick. And if friend didn't like it, tough tootsies.

I wouldn’t go. Your dds don’t like it and Ben sounds like a pita.

OP my point about the name calling is that it’s not an effective way for your girls to deal Ben (or anyone else who name calls).

Much better to say “that was a very unkind thing you said Ben, it hurt our feelings. We won’t want to play with you if you are rude and unkind”.

Escalating name calling just means (by the time they go to school) that everyone gets into trouble, rather than just the person who started it.

In your situation it doesn’t let Ben know he’s done anything wrong or hurtful. It also means Ben’s Mum can brush off his original bad behaviour by saying “well your girls name called too”.

Clearly you think I’m being harsh. It’s honestly not my intention.

It is my intention to point out the consequences of putting social politeness to your friend over dealing with her child’s behaviour.

Ben’s behaviour goes unchecked because his Mum is either struggling or ineffectual and your girls see that he behaves as he likes with little sanction. They respond in kind to defend themselves and the whole thing descends into disaster, an uncomfortable situation for you and an upsetting situation for your girls.

You are left seething every week and they are left confused and end up retaliating with the exact bad behaviour you dislike in Ben.

Ben’s Mum isn’t going to do anything about this, so you have to for the benefit of your girls.

Unfortunately that means you are going to have to behave in a way that’s uncomfortable for you by putting boundaries and consequences in place for both Ben and his Mum.

Better to step outside your comfort zone than to abandon your friend though.

This stuff isn’t easy. And no one warns you that it’s part and parcel
of parenting. It doesn’t go away as they get older either I’m afraid.

Best of luck.

Could you maybe take something with you that's meant for sharing? I would take a cheap colouring book/paint set/anything arty really and when you go round say you've got this amazing idea and it's a big project but you all have to work together etc. It'll give you and the boys mum a bit of a break letting them get crafty around the table. I saw some "design your own plate" sets in home bargains for £2 maybe. Explain that if they "all"(the boy) play nicely and share then we will do something again next Sunday. You and other mum could take it in turns or whatever.

About the name calling etc I wouldn't tolerate it, be assertive. "That's not very kind, the girls won't want to come and play again if you upset them".. it shouldn't be up to you to be addressing him, it should be his parents but if they've tried and it's not working speak up :)

Why do people make up these threads? Honestly.

you don't need to make it seems like you don't want to see the kid.maybe suggest it more of a treat for the both of you and time out just the girls?
so is there someone that could look after them whilst you go coffee,xmas shopping or even a message,picnic walk depending on ur funds?this way you both win and it gets her the much needed rest she probably needs.

I see no issue in correcting another persons child if they are not doing it themselves.

If another young child called my child names I would actually correct it by offering an alternative while telling them what they are doing is unkind, ie, 'Ben, calling someone fat or ugly is very unkind and makes that person sad, I know you didn't want to make Sally sad so maybe instead you could tell Sally that you don't want to share that toy right now and give her one you are happy to let her play with'. Then give him the opportunity to offer the other kids something.

Toddlers/young children not wanting to share is nothing unusual but giving them the opportunity to decide what they want to share can be a great way if getting the to be ok with it. I also agree with bringing toys but making them communal toys then encouraging him to bring some of his toys to the 'shared toys' area.

I know it's not your problem to fix but it might go a long way to helping your exhausted friend and making catch ups so much more relaxed.

It doesn't make sense. According to your posting history, you have 1 daughter and you're pregnant with second child. So where do the 2 DDs age 2 and 4 come in?

but let’s remember they’re just children & reacting to being called fat/ugly by saying well you smell of poo is hardly the crime of the century.

Calling them fat and ugly isn't a crime either

Calling names isn't a crime

But it's unkind

All the children in this scenario should be told not to call names

All the adults in this scenario need to woman up and start to act like parents who have some control and can give guidance

The bridge is that way OP.

God....some people lead a very sad and boring life if they regularly have to make up stories for here

stiffsink
Very very busy for the last couple of months I would say. On 15th September op only had one dd. Okaaaay.

If people feel this isn't real then why don't they just report it?

I don't get the mentality on here sometimes, if it is real then your just being nasty and stopping people from asking for advice in the future.

One of my friends has a child like this, she is so lovely but her son is awful! Demanding, stroppy and rude he is now 8 and I haven’t seen her since April after she brought her son to my home where he jumped all over my new sofa (sat on top of the back cushions) then secretly spilt juice on it (which I discovered when they left and it was dry). Visiting is not much more pleasant either as he constantly interrupts when anyone is speaking so it’s pointless trying to chat. She does tell him to behave but he completely ignores her. It’s just not fun meeting up with her and it’s so sad as I find myself avoiding her.

I think there is much more at play here than just an over indulged spoiled child. His behaviour sounds extreme & he's clearly communicating that he's not coping in most situations. The fact your friend is feeling isolated & exhausted by it all is showing how desperate it really is. I would be gently advising her to go to her GP to start the process of getting to the bottom of this before her DS is exposed to even more situations. Nursery & school will only show up more people responding just as negatively to him because of his behaviour!

Life is tough enough without people not liking you! You sound like a good friend - good luck x

A 3 year old calling others 'fat' and 'ugly' isn't at all normal. Where did he get this language from? I'd be concerned about how the father is treating your friend TBH.

@Yidette86 I think sometimes people get aggrieved when they spend time giving advice in good faith and then someone else points out that it makes no sense in the context of the OPs other posts so at least one of them isn't true (there are numerous other recent posts from this OP saying she's got a 17 month old and pregnant with her second.) To give the benefit of the doubt maybe she's changing details to avoid being identified but it's odd to say the least.

I have a friend with a son like this, he’s rude, mean and really unpleasant. I don’t see her as much now, for my children’s sake. Every year she asks about us all going away together, and every year I come up with another excuse not to. He is so nasty to my DS, and the one time I finally told him off, his mum took him away to cuddle him for 20 minutes....he was 8.

Of course some kids are naturally more challenging than others due to temperament etc. but in my experience this sort of thing more often than not comes down to permissive parenting. Your friend may be “lovely” but often lovely people are too nice and timid to take on the bad guy role parenting requires so she probably struggles with boundaries. If she asks for advice or mentions she’s struggling with her sons behavior I’d send her some links to good parenting websites that suit her personality /parenting style (Janet Lansbury or AHA parenting might be good here). Unsolicited advice will rarely go down well so I’d wait until she gives you a reason to suggest these options.

Otherwise all you can really do is limit contact or become more assertive on behalf of your child. I know that’s easier said than done, my niece is a bit “challenging” shall we say. She is pretty mean to my DD and I found it really awkward to know how to handle it and like you I felt terrible that I was letting my DD down as she’s really timid and submissive too. So I just started little by little intervening and letting my niece know what was acceptable as I would my own child. She’s still a bit of a madame but it’s gotten somewhat better.

I have read the above posts that refer to your posting history OP, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt as people often change details here to protect their anonymity.

Kids hate each other, meet without kids. If you were both married to men who hated each other you wouldn't make them socialise with one another.