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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I cannot stand my friends kid AIBU?

77 replies

BeautifulBlue · 05/12/2018 22:07

He’s 3 & I know... I know his just a kid. BUT his intolerable. I have kids myself, I know they aren’t always little angels. He’ll throw a tantrum every 5 minutes over literally nothing, he cries, shouts & whinges basically the whole time we visit. Anytime my DDs touch anything he owns he goes into full on meltdown & runs across the room to take it back & calls them fat & ugly Hmm they’re neither... My friend is totally wiped out from his behaviour & I feel so bad for her, but the thought of going round there this Sunday (we see them most Sundays) is feeling me with dread! How long can I sit & grit my teeth stopping my DDs from touching anything incase he has a meltdown over it!! (He is all over their toys when he visits us & they say nothing) I love my friend, she’s lovely I want to see her but her kid drives me nuts & I don’t want to see him. AIBU, considering his age? Should I just ignore it & hope as he gets older he’ll get nicer?!

OP posts:
paxillin · 05/12/2018 22:43

Do your DDs have to come along? She is your friend, great you support her. She is not their friend and they shouldn't have to give up their Sundays for this. How old are they?

NonaGrey · 05/12/2018 22:44

“Ben smells of poo” isn’t really an appropriate way for them to handle name calling either. It’s not ok, even if he started it.

Mumshappy · 05/12/2018 22:47

Dont feel bad. Hes probably just a difficult child who has perhaps been indulged. Its the situation you dont like really not him

MadameGazelleIsMyHomegirl · 05/12/2018 22:49

The problem isn’t really him though, is it? It’s your friend and her ineffective parenting. She is not stepping up and dealing with rude behaviour and unless she gets a grip on it, it will only get worse as he gets older. I have a couple of friends who let their kids get away with murder. Tbh I avoid seeing them with our kids together now.

Wearywithteens · 05/12/2018 22:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

olivertwistwantsmore · 05/12/2018 22:53

See your friend by herself in the evenings.

Or go to a country park or forest and go for a walk there.

Tbh if your dc hate seeing him, i’d Reduce the frequency I see them. Once a month?

DrWhy · 05/12/2018 22:53

I think Mumshappy has a good point and reducing the amount your DDs have to see him is sensible - evening meets with your friend for example. As for the name calling, how does he react if you tell him it’s unkind, rather than rude and that it makes people sad if you call them names like that and ask him to think of a way to make them happy again? It might make him actually think about why you don’t talk like that rather than it being an arbitrary rule that it’s ‘rude’ - of course he might laugh in your face or say something nastier, I think it depends on personality, how developed his empathy is etc.

HauntedPencil · 05/12/2018 22:58

I should think he will get better. My three year old was just terrible at that age, hit a lot and really struggled to share, but it didn't last forever.

I would try to as PP said meet just you but if you do meet her with her DS it will probably be better in a large space like a park or soft play where they aren't so much in each other's faces.

HauntedPencil · 05/12/2018 22:59

I see no need to ditch her. That's very harsh!

UrsulaPandress · 05/12/2018 23:01

I had this with a friend's DD. She was so bloody mean to my DD when they visited us every Saturday. We ended up falling out over it. My friend seemed to think her visit was for us and that the girls were peripheral damage, but I hated my dd being upset in her own home.

We made it up a couple of years later and are now best buddies again, without the girls.

And my friends DD is now just fine.

Cut down the visits.

Patriciathestripper1 · 05/12/2018 23:04

Oh I feel for you as I was in the same position. My friend had two dds one is the same age as mine and the other is 5.
When they come round here I’ve caught the 5year old pocketing dds toys (duplo animals:people) and trying to take them home. The first few times it happened my friend laughed it off but didn’t give them back. My dd had to take them back when we visited theirs the next time.
Also she used to hang off her mums neck and interrupt our conversations all the time.
I don’t invite them here anymore and meet her in town for coffee when the kids are in school.
It’s a parenting thing I think. Some people let their kids get away with interrupting and disrupting and they just never learn to be sociable. I’d meet her in parks or play areas because it won’t get better.

Original poster
BeautifulBlue · 05/12/2018 23:05

@NonaGrey ok thank you for your input now Nona. I let go the biting of ‘not protecting my DDs’ but let’s remember they’re just children & reacting to being called fat/ugly by saying well you smell of poo is hardly the crime of the century.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeautifulBlue · 05/12/2018 23:08

@DrWhy I know what you’re saying & I think this approach would work in my DDs case (you’re upsetting people) but not in bens case unfortunately... nothing seems to deter him, he just seems constantly angry.

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Mumshappy · 05/12/2018 23:09

What is it with those parents who just indulge a childs every whim. You want to steal those toys yes thats ok. You want to interupt me yes thats ok too. Do they not see the long term effects?

justilou1 · 05/12/2018 23:10

I wonder what this kid is hearing and from whom (her partner, maybe?) to be repeating comments like this? This isn't normal. I would be very uncomfortable about this.

How are you going to stop this kid from grabbing your kids toys if you bring them? Are you going to make them only available for your kids to use? Is that what you want to teach your kids?
I'd be pulling the plug on contact with this kid completely and maybe seeing your friend when her kid is at nursery.

Original poster
BeautifulBlue · 05/12/2018 23:10

Patriciathestripper1
UrsulaPandress
Thanks for your experiences, seems my situation isn’t all the uncommon. I know we all have more patience/tolerance with our own kids but it does make socialising with your friend difficult if their child is bloody awful!

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Original poster
BeautifulBlue · 05/12/2018 23:12

@justilou1 she is still with bens dad & thehre a very nice, normal couple. I really have no idea where his got the fat/ugly comments from because it’s not something I can imagine either of his parents saying about people.

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DishingOutDone · 05/12/2018 23:16

Anytime my DDs touch anything he owns he goes into full on meltdown & runs across the room to take it back & calls them fat & ugly hmm they’re neither. sorry - what? So if they were, would it be entirely justified!! What an odd comment! Hmm

ShovingLeopard · 05/12/2018 23:17

I have had this to some extent with a friend's child, though nowhere near as bad, she is generally a nice child. More the wanting to share my DD's toys, while never sharing her own.

Mum let it go to begin with (she's a bit nervous of her daughter kicking off when thwarted), so I started saying she could only share my DD's toys if she shared her own. If she refused, I gently took my DD's toys back, and explained that either everybody shared, or nobody did.

She was upset at first, and mum hesitant, but she soon cottoned on, and now will mostly share. I got sick of my DD always getting the short straw. It's unfair.

Why not try it? If he kicks off, either ignore it cheerfully and carry on without him, or maybe leave and say you'll leave him to calm down. Either way, it should hopefully give the required message to him and his mum. You'll be doing him a favour in the long run, and maybe modelling a way to handle it to his mum.

Original poster
BeautifulBlue · 05/12/2018 23:18

@DishingOutDone no, not what I meant. Obviously. 😴

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 05/12/2018 23:21

Ben smells of poo” isn’t really an appropriate way for them to handle name calling either. It’s not ok, even if he started it.

This is what happens when the grown ups don't step in and show them the correct way to behave.

Mum not dealing with it so they have to step up themselves

You're letting your girls down

kazwelch · 05/12/2018 23:23

Go to different places instead of going to her house all the time or invite her to your house.

stiffstink · 05/12/2018 23:25

Your posts make me feel really claustrophobic on behalf of your friend and all of the kids. You don't say how old your DDs are but they are obviously older than 3 year old Ben.

They touch Ben's toys, but he is expected not to touch theirs, they call Ben names ("my girls become a tag team" - "he can give but he cannot take" - really?) and they don't get much from the visits so maybe you should back off and let your friend have a weekend to herself without your supervision/judgment?

converseandjeans · 05/12/2018 23:26

I would suggest meeting outside of the house. He probably needs to run off some of his energy. He sounds bored tnh. Soft plays can be a bit full on. What about something like the park or swimming. If you do stay in then you could prep an activity e.g. take some mix and get them rolling out some biscuits, get them cutting and sticking, put on some music and get them dancing. I know it's a lot of effort & you probably want to catch up with your friend, but some kids need lots of stimulation otherwise they start messing about.
Every Sunday does sound a bit much!

Original poster
BeautifulBlue · 05/12/2018 23:26

@GreenTulips I have already said I do address this when it happens, I tell Ben it’s not nice behaviour & not to talk to the girls like that. I’ve also said above ^^ that in the future I agree I will leave if that behaviour starts towards my DDs & make it clear why we’re leaving. So please save your pity for some kids who need it, my girls are totally & completely fine & loved.

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