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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU , with my other halfs comments

46 replies

Catsandallthingscrazy · 05/12/2018 20:28

My o.h & I were stood with friends recently at a local remembrance event. Chat all jovial & friends asking about kids etc. Anyways I'm not sure how the conversation came around but one friend "are you two actually married " I said nothing as I always find this topic difficult to answer as Ive previously made my feelings known VERY well to my other half that I would like to get married now that we have kids ( We have been together now over 20 years & still not married ), hes not keen purely because of finances etc . Years ago when it came up he told me " he want ready for this yet " Fair enough !! but after two planned & desperately wanted kids later, his only issue is finances !! Anyways his answer to friends question was " its never really became an Issue & neither of us really want to " to which I instinctively said " what are you talking about " realising that she had hit a raw nerve my friend changed the subject. He has never brought the conversation up again but I was furious with him for lying about my thoughts about it, we were in a public place with kids running around so I couldn't discuss it with him further. I'm now wondering do I need to push this further & re iterate further my thoughts on this topic or just drop it completely as Ive spent the last 20 years banging my head on a brick wall about all this !! Your thoughts would be appreciated

OP posts:
pfwow · 05/12/2018 20:32

I wonder if what he told your friend is what he tells himself. That neither of you want it, as you haven't pushed it at all recently. You need to talk to him again, as it has made you unhappy.

Etino · 05/12/2018 20:34

Sounds like you 2 need to talk and plan a wedding! 😉

Feefeetrixabelle · 05/12/2018 20:35

I think you need to tell him. He may be happy to not be married but you aren’t and that you think you deserve not to have that fact lied about.

Holidayshopping · 05/12/2018 20:36

I would have been really cross and have said something the second we got in the car tbh.

What do you mean he doesn’t want to get married due to finances? A wedding really doesn’t have to cost much.

Huntawaymama · 05/12/2018 20:36

Propose to him!

AuntMarch · 05/12/2018 20:38

This was at remembrance and is still bothering you. You need to have a conversation, but don't go off one, he probably won't even remember saying it now!

Why is he so worried about finances though?

LordNibbler · 05/12/2018 20:43

Perhaps you should have pushed the point before you had kids. He has all he wants without being married, even though he knows it's something you really want. I don't think after twenty years he's going to have an epiphany and decide he'd like to be married now. You need to accept it's never going to happen.

Motoko · 05/12/2018 20:43

He'll probably say the finances is due to the cost of the wedding, but what he really means is he doesn't want to lose half his assets if you split up.

You're in a vulnerable position unmarried. If he dies, you'll not be entitled to anything of his. The children will inherit, if he hasn't made a will. Also, if his assets exceed a certain amount, inheritance tax will need to be paid, whereas if you were married, it wouldn't.

He won't marry you because he doesn't want you to get his money. It's as simple as that.

Kintan · 05/12/2018 20:47

Sadly I agree with the pp who said if he hasn’t wanted to marry you at any point in the last 20 years he is unlikely to now. You could always try proposing to him yourself and if he says yes then great, but if it’s no then at least you can have some closure on the matter. It’s a tough situation for you.

Alfie190 · 05/12/2018 20:55

Finances are the very reason you (both) would be better off married!

Have you got wills in place to protect yourself?

I do think it is a conversation I would have had a long time ago and before having children.

Nitpickpicnic · 05/12/2018 21:03

I’d raise it with him.

‘Yes dear, you’re right that it’s an embarrassment to admit the truth. How about we change the reality of the situation and get married, instead of lying about why we arent? Wouldn’t it be nicer to just be able to answer ‘yes we’re married’ rather than spin fabrications and feel put on the spot every time, forever?’

Shoxfordian · 05/12/2018 21:05

If marriage was really important to you then you wouldn't still be with him.

RandomMess · 05/12/2018 21:12

Do you share the assets and debts of the relationship equally? How about pension prospects etc?

Maelstrop · 05/12/2018 21:16

For your protection, you'd be better off married.

Original poster
Catsandallthingscrazy · 05/12/2018 21:17

I have had to mentally put off thinking & therefore brining up the conversation recently as too be honest I dreaded the whole thing of " not this old chestnut again scenario " granted mainly to probably protect my own feelings ? I come from a fairly traditional background & my parents ( Devoted Christians !! although I'm not a practising religious person ) have partially ostracized me from the family ( Long story !! ) mainly because I'm not married. He's once talked about marriage being not necessary as one of his parents had an affair, but they ended up staying together even though they were both aware at the time what was going on! Basically I bring up the topic once in a blue moon to a) protect myself from his answer b) because I think Ive given him long enough to change his mind the last time it was brought up ?? I hate to think what would happen to me & my children if anything were to happen to him. The worst of all this is both kids have his surname , again another situation that he took control of. So yes both kids would inherit & I would be left with nothing ! to me another reason to protect myself ! Personally I think he is more selfish than your average man but that said I still love him !
So how do I approach this , without flying off the handle ?

OP posts:
Suebnm · 05/12/2018 21:19

20 years have shown him you're not bothered about being married. It will be very hard to persuade him to marry you now and you really shouldn't force him to do something he obviously doesn't want to or you'll end up resenting him.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/12/2018 21:25

I would ask about the finances angle - if he thinks it's going to be expensive ask him if he would agree if just you and the kids went out for a mealong after registry office.

Shitonthebloodything · 05/12/2018 21:30

A marriage registration costs £50 at the registry office. I called them today to ask for myself. That was at a special time in the middle of the week with no bells and whistles.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 05/12/2018 21:40

Do you want the whole big wedding or do you just want to be married? When you say finances put him off, do you mean the cost of the wedding or protecting his finances/assets?

I think the romantic proposal etc is never going to happen so I would just tell him you want to be married for all the legal reasons outlined above and emphasise that it's time you had some say in your lives.

(Sorry this doesn't help you but I fucking despise men like this.)

Original poster
Catsandallthingscrazy · 05/12/2018 21:51

Thanks Don'tCallMeCharlotte, I would like a church wedding ( Its the only one thing I do want !!) but then not really bothered about a big reception, we have a largish garden so would love a big gathering in Garden marque in summer , nothing special just friends & family.
I will put off saying anything this weekend as his Parents are coming to visit ( although part of me wants to propose to him in front of them to see what they would do ! I can only summise his mother wouldn't be best pleased with his feelings !!) Hes got an accountant so I suspect he knows all the ins & outs of what to expect would happen to his finances after a wedding ! I will speak to him at the nearest appropriate time & post on here what happens !! Who knows I may even be shopping for a dress soon !!

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 05/12/2018 21:53

I think just be honest. He doesn’t want to get married and it hurts you but you respect his decision. But you won’t accept him lying to others about it. If he doesn’t trust you to not leave him after twenty years then what more can you do to prove your worth.

MrsTerryPratcett · 05/12/2018 21:54

Is it the cost of the wedding (in which case you can have a cheap wedding) or the fact that he wants to have separate finances to the mother of his children and 20 year partner because he's a complete arsehole?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 05/12/2018 21:58

Oh I do hope so!

I'm imagining a proposal from you in front of his parents... in a sweet calm voice...

"DP, a few weeks ago you told our friends we weren't fussed about getting married. Actually Darling, I want nothing more than to be your wife so [dramatic pause] would you do me the honour of becoming my husband?"

Can but try?

Motoko · 05/12/2018 23:32

Even if he did agree to get married, you'll never be able to pin him down on a date to do it. This guy wants to have his cake and eat it.

Oh, and it doesn't make any difference whose surname the kids have. They could have yours, and they'd still inherit if he died intestate.

He doesn't love you as much as you love him, or he'd have married you a long time ago, because he'd want to protect you in case of something happening to him.

It sounds like you have separate finances. What about the house?

peachgreen · 05/12/2018 23:40

Who owns the house? Who is the main breadwinner? If the answer to either of those questions is him, you need to forget about a church wedding and get him to a registry office ASAP because you are in a very vulnerable position.