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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU , with my other halfs comments

46 replies

Catsandallthingscrazy · 05/12/2018 20:28

My o.h & I were stood with friends recently at a local remembrance event. Chat all jovial & friends asking about kids etc. Anyways I'm not sure how the conversation came around but one friend "are you two actually married " I said nothing as I always find this topic difficult to answer as Ive previously made my feelings known VERY well to my other half that I would like to get married now that we have kids ( We have been together now over 20 years & still not married ), hes not keen purely because of finances etc . Years ago when it came up he told me " he want ready for this yet " Fair enough !! but after two planned & desperately wanted kids later, his only issue is finances !! Anyways his answer to friends question was " its never really became an Issue & neither of us really want to " to which I instinctively said " what are you talking about " realising that she had hit a raw nerve my friend changed the subject. He has never brought the conversation up again but I was furious with him for lying about my thoughts about it, we were in a public place with kids running around so I couldn't discuss it with him further. I'm now wondering do I need to push this further & re iterate further my thoughts on this topic or just drop it completely as Ive spent the last 20 years banging my head on a brick wall about all this !! Your thoughts would be appreciated

OP posts:

maddening · 05/12/2018 23:41

Don't call me Charlotte's is gooooood 🤞🥂🍾

maddening · 05/12/2018 23:43

Ps yes what are the circumstances - jobs, salaries, home ownership, assets?

HeebieJeebies456 · 06/12/2018 02:50

after two planned & desperately wanted kids
If being married really is that big a deal for you for all the 'reasons' you've mentioned then you should have done that before having kids with him.
Those 'reasons' obviously didn't mean anything to you because you went on to have another kid with him despite knowing the risks.
So i'm not surprised he's not letting you use that as a means to manipulate him.

As for him 'taking control' of the kids surname - well that was your choice too and you allowed him to do that even though legally you could have registered them under your own name....and used this as a valid reason as to why being married was better.
Again, you're choosing to blame him for something you actively chose as well.

although part of me wants to propose to him in front of them to see what they would do !
If you would stoop this low and try to use embarrassment, manipulation and parental pressure to try and force him to marry you then i can understand why he wants to protect his asserts.

You can draw up legal paperwork naming you as next of kin, power of attorney etc for future eventualities and your security.
You can double-barrel your surnames.

You've essentially given him the 'married' life in all but the legal sense and you did it fully informed and with your consent.
He doesn't want to get legally married and you need to accept that.
Trying to force him is just manipulative, desperate and embarrassing.

Monty27 · 06/12/2018 03:01

Blimey.
You need to find out whether he wants to marry you or not.
If it's about finances there must be a trust issue.
It doesn't sound great to me.
I wouldn't be begging either. In fact I'd be more than a little pissed off. No ultimatums either. If someone didn't trust me I'd be gone. and i have done it

Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2018 03:07

Basically, he won't marry you because if the relationship ends he can leave you with nothing.

What a charmer. Why you had children with him I'll never know. You are in a very vulnerable position.

timeisnotaline · 06/12/2018 06:52

Why wait till his parents have come and gone? There’s always a reason to wait. You need to remind him how you feel and say you have told other friend the truth because you won’t have him lying about you to your friends like that. If you are ok with not giving me this commitment that would mean a lot to me, own up to it. If you’re a coward who’s ashamed of your lack of commitment for presumably selfish reasons, then everybody should know that too. You struggle to talk about it with him because you are ashamed of having feelings and being hurt. Don’t be.

CanuckBC · 06/12/2018 07:18

A conversation is definitely needed, or a proposal by yourself. Either one may not go as you would like.

I also want to know if you own and if so whose names are on the title? Mortgage? Joint bank accounts or separate? What about savings? What about other financial matters like pensions and other assets?

MarilynSlumroe · 06/12/2018 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mysteryfairy · 06/12/2018 07:51

It is possible to arrange finances to protect you both if you have a disinclination to marriage...house and assets in joint names, wills written etc. Not as good a protection as being married but certainly some. You should have a will for the sake of your children anyway as you need to express your wishes in the event something happens to you both. You could confront this with him.

He said a very conventional thing in front of your friend. Imagine if he'd said that you want to get married but he doesn't! I suspect that response would have been equally upsetting for you.

Original poster

Catsandallthingscrazy · 06/12/2018 21:53

Yes we have completely separate finances, in fact its only just in the last year or so that I finally convinced him that he needs to give me a CC to buy things for house & kids that I cannot afford. I am not the breadwinner & am struggling to find part time work around Preschool/Primary school hours ( Youngest only in Preschool 3 days a week) so he is pretty much in charge of finances. I make a tiny portion of finances compared to what he makes. So I therefore have little or no knowledge of his income or outgoings.

OP posts:

fc301 · 06/12/2018 22:11

As PP have said you are in a very vulnerable position. Get legal advice.

skybluee · 06/12/2018 22:21

Do not try to manipulate him into it.
I'd try to have a sit down, honest conversation, I don't think I'd even bring up the comments thing in November as it could get someone's back up, I'd explain how I felt vulnerable if something were to happen to him. Surely someone who loves someone else would want to protect them from that and provide security and peace of mind?

Motoko · 06/12/2018 22:22

It gets worse. Does he give you any money?

Motoko · 06/12/2018 22:25

Surely someone who loves someone else would want to protect them from that and provide security and peace of mind?

Of course they would. But this guy doesn't love OP, he's just using her, to look after the kids, do the housework, cook his meals, keep his bed warm.

I'm beginning to think he might also be financially abusive.

MrsTerryPratcett · 06/12/2018 23:01

He knows exactly what he's doing.

RCohle · 06/12/2018 23:13

I was inclined to assume the best and think that you had pushed the issue so softly that he genuinely believed it "had never been an issue" for either of you. However the total separation of your finances and your relative current earnings makes me think you are being taken advantage of here.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/12/2018 00:35

I don't know why YOU were embarrassed - your friend (probably unwittingly) did you a favour by asking you both and forcing him to give a mealy-mouthed reply and you the perfect chance to gainsay him in public.

If his object wrt 'finances' IS indeed the cost of the wedding, call his bluff and say you need to at least get the legal bit sorted (which will only cost a couple of hundred) and then you can plan to have a lovely church blessing in due course. If his response is a startled look and an inability to give a clear, rational response, you will at least know that he has no intention of marrying you.

If that is the case, it can only be because he already has everything that he wants from you and is free to leave you (and the children) at any time, should he desire. You're in an extremely vulnerable position right now and you can either keep on letting him avoid discussing it whilst he holds all the cards or pin him down (not literally) and insist on talking about it until you both reach a suitable agreement.

By never addressing this crucial matter, it may seem like you're compromising but in fact you're constantly enabling him to control you.

I'm not criticising those who successfully do so, but I genuinely don't see how anybody who is married (or living as though they were) can go on keeping separate money once children (who require full-time care and lots of money but obviously don't bring in any of their own) arrive.

Original poster

Catsandallthingscrazy · 07/12/2018 10:57

he doesn't give me any money as such if I feel like I need a "treat" then I spend on his CC and often just mention Ive done it in passing comments , but this spending is few & far between !!
Organising the legal route of getting married - as in getting a registry office wedding ?? I'm not keen on that, I don't want a huge OTT wedding but desperately have always said I want a church wedding ( mainly as a its a once in a lifetime event no other reason !! ) I have no knowledge of any other kind of getting married legally other than the 2 versions mentioned above !!
We have always even whilst living together had separate finances, but I no longer have the privilege of being able to work full time so haven't got anywhere near his income, which previously become a problem since when my eldest child was born I didn't get ANY maternity leave of any description ( Long story !! ) & got a merger wage when youngest born as I was only doing part time/filling in for holidays & sickness for other staff. I work in an industry that requires you to work a full day to keep up your CPD, so any staff working say a morning or afternoon/evening is few & far between. I feel at the moment I have no other choice but to consider a career change in my early forties that isn't going to be easy & then the whole school runs limits me even more ! Stuck stuck stuck !!
Thanks everyone for your responses they are certainly helpful advise !

OP posts:

peachgreen · 07/12/2018 15:47

This guy is really having his cake and eating it. Jesus.

LordNibbler · 07/12/2018 18:15

He doesn't give you any money? So who pays for the things the children need? The bills? The food? The mortgage?

PuddingPau · 10/05/2024 11:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

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