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AIBU?

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Original poster

PIL Christmas visit issues...WWYD?

51 replies

Pickledturnip · 05/12/2018 19:38

We live a few hours drive from DH family so at Christmas usually visit. When we arrive we are rarely fed, his sister rarely turns up to say hello, often we are not fed and end up running to Tesco for a sandwich etc. Christmas spirit is on the floor. I mean completely non existant. We drink sugar in our tea, there is consistently no sugar as they don't. You can forget a Christmas drink and any sweet treats are carefully watched as too much is wasteful. Its a real joy. Over the years I've put on meals in and out, booked short breaks and taken food with us and created a buffet for everyone (always hoovered up) but I'm getting to the point that I can't be bothered. The but, and it's a big one, is that they are lovely people. Just a bit clueless and seemingly unwilling to have too much (any) fun. So, we sit in silence, desperately making conversation until we can go home.
This year I'm thinking:
A) Invite them to us, if they don't come fine but at least nobody is hungry.
B) Suck it up and visit. Its the weekend before Christmas so will be hectic.
C) Let DH go alone and pretend I'm working. He also finds them awkward (so he says but as they are his family I suspect not)
D) Please help me find a solution? It would be nice to actually enjoy their company and a visit as they are lovely people.

Gotta love the festive season!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickledturnip · 05/12/2018 19:39

I mentioned not being fed twice there. Sorry, I have hungry memories...

OP posts:
WTFIsAGleepglorp · 05/12/2018 19:39

Sounds as if you'd have to pack them in the car if you invited them.

greendale17 · 05/12/2018 19:40

My word that sounds awful and depressing. Why do they bother to invite you over?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2018 19:40

I would invite them or your husband can plan a visit alone shortly after Christmas. I would refuse to let my holiday be ruined by these old turnips ever again.

Pardalis · 05/12/2018 19:41

A - invite them. Plenty of food then and you'll feel less awkward in your own home.

It might become a lovely new tradition

Eilaianne · 05/12/2018 19:42

can you expand on why you think they're "lovely" people?

it sounds like something you think you should say / is a judgement about how they live their life rather than because you like them (i.e. most people would consider them "lovely").

but you describe them as boring, mean hosts, not thoughtful at prepping for your visit, miserly, ignorant and unappreciative of your effort.

are they lovely or not?

madmum5811 · 05/12/2018 19:43

Deffo. invite them, I could not do that every year.

Original poster
Pickledturnip · 05/12/2018 19:44

The problem with inviting them is my BIL doesn't drive (a misunderstood autistic person) and they tend to leave him behind as one too many for the car. So to avoid that we visit.
And yes, miserable sums it up and then I feel awful for thinking that (and worse ranting to my DH after a long, draining visit) it would be easier to Skype. We literally get nothing out of the visit in terms of family time/bonding/enjoyment etc

OP posts:
mimibunz · 05/12/2018 19:45

Invite them to yours. My in-laws are the same, existing on one meal a day while I’m digging in my handbag for the snacks I brought.

SantyClaws · 05/12/2018 19:45

A. They've had their chance.

tablelegs · 05/12/2018 19:51

Why can't bil fit in the car?

bringbackthestripes · 05/12/2018 19:51

C. I wouldn’t even contemplate A tbh, why have them sitting in silence making you uncomfortable in your own home?

Original poster
Pickledturnip · 05/12/2018 19:52

That's the thing that confuses me too Eila. I don't think they mean to be mean, they just have no idea what is expected when you have people over. I think, in their mind, its the same as when my Husband went home for Christmas as a single person years ago and just sorted himself out and arranged stuff with mates?!
My MIL is genuinely lovely, quiet, not a conversationalist, no idea how to welcome people, very worried about excess etc. She doesn't have a malicious streak in her so I feel bad to take offense at the lack of welcome. I think she's just completely clueless.

OP posts:
PicaK · 05/12/2018 19:53

Sounds like they have autistic tendencies as well as bil.
They are rubbish. And seemingly unappreciative of your efforts. But are they really? They like your buffets - they hoover them up.
Would it help to see this as their disability. And just order the buffet. And plan the trips out etc.
Not fair in terms of workload - but not too high a price to pay if they are lovely in other ways. You can't control them - you can control your reaction to them as the old saying goes.
I sound saintlike but it's taken me 20 years to get here and a lot of ranting on the way home. If you can get there faster do!

HavelockVetinari · 05/12/2018 19:54

They only drive a 2-seater? Could BIL take the train and you collect him at the station?

Original poster
Pickledturnip · 05/12/2018 19:55

I don't know tablelegs but that always seems to happen. Too many gifts so he couldn't squeeze in/he has to look after the pets (none are his) etc. I really don't know why that happens but I think alot of my BIL (understand his struggles kind of thing) so having him left out at Christmas puts me off holding it here really.

OP posts:
SleightOfMind · 05/12/2018 19:57

Aw, Dh’s family are also lovely, in lots of ways but a bit eccentric, getting on a bit and live alone.
Last time we went to deepest darkest Wiltshire to spend Xmas with them, I had to order an Ocado delivery for the entire Xmas dinner for fourteen people. Despite me extracting numerous promises that someone would be in to take delivery, they forgot and I had to spend ages on the phone to reorganise delivery at pm (thank you Ocado!)

DH and I had to cook christmas lunch for everyone in the cottage we were staying in (with 4DC [inc 3yr-old twins] and very small pans/ baking trays etc).

We carted the entire Xmas dinner 5mins up the road only to find me and DSil were relegated to the kitchen with the small children.
We only got a glass of wine because DH and DS1 smuggled us bottles in!

We (DH,me and DSil) also had to clear up with only the help of DH’s elderly aunt and the DC. DSil had a just learned to walk baby.

They still go on about how marvellous it was and expect us to repeat the experience Grin.

I love them all to bits individually but as a collective...

Justgivemesomepeace · 05/12/2018 19:57

If they are nice people and you don't mind spending time with them, i'd invite them to yours. You can do it all your way, show them how its done and hopefully then you'll all have a good time.

Steamedbadger · 05/12/2018 19:58

Take a buffet again, take them out or make your excuses. It depends on how much you like them

Original poster
Pickledturnip · 05/12/2018 19:58

Picak, that exactly. I think i am dealing with a family of high achieving autistics. I think my DH is definitely on the spectrum but I have learnt how he works (and he is fantastic) But, yeah, I would say thats it.

I might just keep on keeping on?! And bring a hipflask....

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/12/2018 19:59

Invite then to you, making clear a plan for BIL should be found - two cars, a larger hired car, the train, etc.

SleepWarrior · 05/12/2018 20:02

Order some platters from local m&s and pick up when you get there? You get the buffet and nice drinks but low effort (only works if you can spare the cash of course).

If they are genuinely nice but don't realise that other people like nice things to eat etc then I'd feel bad.

Or could DH go and visit for one night and bring them back for a shorter visit at yours. They come in their car, DH drives BIL. Then BIL only has to do return drive in their car.

Flashingbeacon · 05/12/2018 20:04

We have a yearly visit like this. Genuinely nice people who like us to visit to exchange presents, which are always exactly what we asked for. They don’t take milk in tea so rarely remember it. They used to do food (rounds of sandwiches) but hours, like 5, after we’d arrive at 11.30.
Had a small child and a diabetic DH so was able to insist on bringing a “picnic”.
Now we just endure it. We decide exactly how long we’re staying before we go and try and be very “on” the whole time. Ds takes an array toys to demonstrate.
Thankfully they text so we mainly keep in touch that way.

Twisique · 05/12/2018 20:05

I would go to them, take a cake and a buffet, take some crackers and a board game and a jigsaw. You can leave when you are ready, BIL is included. Have a gentle quieter time with them. You could even take a little speaker and put some carols on in the background to help the atmosphere. Do it to make the day better for you. Take your favourite chocolates.

HollowTalk · 05/12/2018 20:05

Would they really be bothered too much if you didn't go? What if you said you'd go a few days later? I hate to think of you having that sort of Christmas!