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Original poster

PIL Christmas visit issues...WWYD?

51 replies

Pickledturnip · 05/12/2018 19:38

We live a few hours drive from DH family so at Christmas usually visit. When we arrive we are rarely fed, his sister rarely turns up to say hello, often we are not fed and end up running to Tesco for a sandwich etc. Christmas spirit is on the floor. I mean completely non existant. We drink sugar in our tea, there is consistently no sugar as they don't. You can forget a Christmas drink and any sweet treats are carefully watched as too much is wasteful. Its a real joy. Over the years I've put on meals in and out, booked short breaks and taken food with us and created a buffet for everyone (always hoovered up) but I'm getting to the point that I can't be bothered. The but, and it's a big one, is that they are lovely people. Just a bit clueless and seemingly unwilling to have too much (any) fun. So, we sit in silence, desperately making conversation until we can go home.
This year I'm thinking:
A) Invite them to us, if they don't come fine but at least nobody is hungry.
B) Suck it up and visit. Its the weekend before Christmas so will be hectic.
C) Let DH go alone and pretend I'm working. He also finds them awkward (so he says but as they are his family I suspect not)
D) Please help me find a solution? It would be nice to actually enjoy their company and a visit as they are lovely people.

Gotta love the festive season!

OP posts:
Forzaitalia · 05/12/2018 20:06

Well they sound a barrel of laughs, don’t they? You can choose your friends but not your family, and all that...........you say they are lovely, but they are also mean, unwelcoming and barely speak. Don’t go, don’t invite them to yours, step away from that family. Things will never improve. As Ella Fitzgerald sings in The Lady is a Tramp “I never spend time with people I hate” - I know you don’t hate them as such but why waste time on them? Life’s too short.

Nix32 · 05/12/2018 20:06

Meet somewhere in the middle for a meal out?

Original poster
Pickledturnip · 05/12/2018 20:07

Oh Sleight, I feel your pain! Apparently this is how memories are made?!

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/12/2018 20:09

Too many presents in the car fir BIL to fit in but worried about excess in food? Confused Who are the gifts from - you to them or the to you?

bimbobaggins · 05/12/2018 20:09

I’d pretend to be working

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 05/12/2018 20:10

Fuck me sleigh hope you never agree to repeat that!

Seniorschoolmum · 05/12/2018 20:10

Definitely invite them to yours. Christmas should be well-fed if at all possible.
One thought occurred to me, does your BIL want to come too? Having autistic traits can leave some feeling anxious in unfamiliar social situations. Are you sure he isn’t using the car/pets etc as an excuse to be on his own. Which would be a shame anyway....

FawnDrench · 05/12/2018 20:11

Could you meet them half way so you both travel, but meet in a restaurant for a meal?
Short and sweet, and food-focused.

Why can't BIL fit in the car?

eddielizzard · 05/12/2018 20:12

Sounds very grim. I'd go with either staying at home and letting DH go on his own, or going and bringing food etc. if you can be bothered.

agnurse · 05/12/2018 20:13

I'd invite them round. If there is one person too many for the car, have they not heard of these things called BUSES and TRAINS and RENTAL VEHICLES?

BumbleBeee69 · 05/12/2018 20:15

Fuck that, say you're staying at home this year, invite nobody and relax Flowers

Original poster
Pickledturnip · 05/12/2018 20:16

Thanks for ideas, I'm formulating a plan. I think the M&S platters at theirs, Sat before Christmas with carols on speaker and crackers and cake (and wine?!) Is a top contender. Hopefully, they will understand how it's done at some point. Other than that, insist BIL is brought along and do a nice meal with nice things at ours. Maybe I'll give them the option and go from there?

The boot full of presents is our stuff coming and theirs going home. They insist on a gift idea and buy that. They aren't mean in that respect, it's hard to explain but similar to the poster above who mentioned visiting people who forget to get milk for tea? Can't see pp on phone!

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 05/12/2018 20:17

If you would normally be doing the drive anyway, your husband could fetch them and his brother. Give them enough warning to arrange pet care, but don't let them exclude him, that's not fair at all.

Madmozzie · 05/12/2018 20:20

If you like them and think it's due to being unaware of what makes a good host/spectrum behaviors, go and take your own stuff. Can't you phone them a few days beforehand and remind them to get the sugar in? Behave more like dh did as a student returning home.

If you like them but just think they're miserly, phone up beforehand and agree on who will provide which food etc.

If you don't like them, don't make the effort.

Squirrelblanket · 05/12/2018 20:20

It's a similar set up at my in-laws. There is nothing to do, no special effort is made, five minutes feels like an hour etc. They are not bad people, they are just bad hosts and I find it very hard to understand!

Anyway what works for us is a shorter visit. We usually arrive Saturday afternoon, bring wine, beer and nibbles with us and leave after breakfast on the Sunday. Neither of us particularly enjoy it but it's his family so..

BarbarianMum · 05/12/2018 20:22

Be aware that, much as he likes you, BiL may not be comfortable coming to you and they may be making polite excuses to spare your feelings.

Other than that visiting them and taking food would seem to be the way to go.

MrsDrudge · 05/12/2018 20:24

I would go for just a morning or afternoon - take a nice Xmas cake/mince pies, etc coffee/tea/alcohol, carols on your speaker as suggested and leave it at that.

KitKat1985 · 05/12/2018 20:24

Option E! Meet halfway somewhere for a meal. That way you get fed, and you get to go home after a couple of hours rather than hoping they don't outstay their welcome, which is a risk with option A.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/12/2018 20:30

SleightOfMind
"They still go on about how marvellous it was and expect us to repeat the experience Grin."
Wow. The only repeatable response that would get from me would be that I'd taken my turn and it was now up to someone else. Cheeky feckers!

Rafflesway · 05/12/2018 20:34

In fairness, they may well not be mean but just a bit strange in their ways.

We have friends who live an hour's drive from us and who we visit every other month. They too are lovely, very welcoming and always encouraging us to visit and stay quite a while. Always make coffee/tea as soon as we walk through the door. The wife of the couple - they don't have children - is a terrific baker and the kitchen is always full of the most delicious looking cakes, pastries etc. However, over the 20 years we have visited and despite us staying 2-3 hours each time, we have never been offered as much as a biscuit to accompany the tea. 😟

They are definitely not mean! When the window cleaners or any handy men arrive who are very well paid she makes them bacon sandwiches, cups of tea and cuts them huge slabs of cake whilst we are sat there salivating.😱 Really strange as when they visit us we give them sandwiches, biscuits, cakes etc. of which they are really appreciative.

We have just learned to laugh about it now and always ensure we have snacks to devour in the car when we leave.😂😂😂

I think some people just have some strange practices but don't mean to be rude!

YoThePussy · 05/12/2018 20:49

I have a great friend who some years ago decided it was hers and her DHs’ turn to host Christmas. She worked it all out, 3 sprouts, spoonful of peas, 1 roastie each plus 1 slice of turkey. Small blob of gravy too.

She is the most generous person going otherwise, cannot understand it.

Maybe I am greedy on the other hand. At least twice that would be normal for Christmas lunch would have thought.

Haworthia · 05/12/2018 20:53

Oh god, I just can’t abide meanness. It’s not even the joylessness that gets me, but the lack of love and respect for you as family guests Sad

The fact that you made the effort to do a buffet which got hoovered up says it all!

I’d invite them to you. You can do things your way without being starved and they get to hoover up your food. Win win... sort of.

stopinthenameoflove · 05/12/2018 20:54

Families Hmm
I used to have my dm dd and dB come round at Christmas to exchange presents I'd ask what they would like to drink it was usually alcoholic that was requested even at 11am well it is Christmas Smile. When it was at dm house alternative years I got offered a coffee in the smallest cup ever dh a glass of water , I could of done with another drink and then hints were dropped that they had to make there dinner so off we went. After that I decided that we would see them before Christmas on mutual ground ie a pub where could get food & drink . I'd suggest doing that it like someone else said bring food / drink .

Original poster
Pickledturnip · 05/12/2018 21:31

Re BIL, last year he messaged me to say he had felt left out of visits and would like to come and see us. We arranged trains etc and he had a nice (if slightly unsettled) weekend. We really enjoyed having him but think it is more comfortable for him to be at his home.

Reading some of your stories I feel less annoyed about it all. My DH is really great, aside of petty things I couldn't fault him. Maybe I just need to keep going with them and not take it all to heart so much. But I'm still packing that hipflask...

OP posts:
Elfontheshelfiswatchingyoutoo · 05/12/2018 21:51

For kind nice people I could probably forgive all you have said.
. My in laws are similar ish... It's made know the cost and expense of Xmas they always let us know what money they have saved by buying the cheapest blah..

I don't feel any Xmas spirit there but the difference is they are so very pleased with themselves so egotistical and right about how to live so smug about using last year's wrapping paper etc...

They shove their greatness down our throats and I simply dislike them.

If they were genuinely nice and kind it would be a different story.
But one thing that stands out is that they don't seem to appreciate you going at all. So I would compromise and maybe go for new years?

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