To not want biological children?

[HairdresserWithARubixCube]

Ok so I uave a lot of things "wrong" with me. I have pretty severe mental health issues such as severe depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, OCD and probably something I'm forgetting. I also have fibromyalgia. I've had all these things since I was a teenager. I've had doubts for a while about whether or not to have biological children.

This is not for my sake, it's for the child's. There is a genetic component with these types of health problems and if I thought that there was even a chance that my child could inherit the same issues that I've been through I don't think I could handle that. Now there is nothing wrong with anybody who has these types of conditions. They come in varying degrees and depending on the severity and the treatment they can be managed. But I just have the sinking feeling that they'll inherit my depression genes or something. That doesnt mean that I won't love them if they do, because of course I will. If we do penultimately decide to go down the adoption route and they have one of these issues or maybe several I will still of course love them to death. I just want to give the kid the best odds.

I didnt think this was a bad thing. My partner completely understands and is so supportive and my mum, but I have had friends and my gran tell me that I'm being "silly"? I have had these issues all my life and struggled with a whole range of issues. This isn't something that I've decided on a whim, yet I've had people tell me I'm "being selfish" since im one of two people in my entire family that can carry on the genes (ie. Bad eyesight, depression, heart attacks, strokes, drinking problems, autism). I do still really want children, so does my partner, but I really do not think I want to have biological children. For the most part, people seem to understand and fully support our decision. Do you think I'm being unreasonable? I genuinely would like to hear your takes on it, this isn't a pitchfork situation here. Thank you

I think it’s sensible to be honest, probably not the most pc thing to say but I do think your just being sensible.

The people I know with severe mental health problem the children they have all unfortunately suffer with mental health too, Yes it could be a coincidence but it also could be down to the genres/what they grew up around.

I think it’s very important to think about your health and the health history of your family when thinking about having dc to be honest.

So no I don’t think your unreasonable and besides it’s your womb you do not have to carry any baby you don’t want too as your family think it’s selfish to not carry on the blood line

You're not unreasonable, you're sensible and realistic.

I'm a little bit puzzled by your post... are you saying it would be harder to love a child with the problems you've had? In which case, yes yabu.
If the decision is based on that you don't want your child to suffer like you have, then no, yanbu. Protecting your children from harm is a fundamental part of parenting, and I can totally understand this reasoning.
However, I've never understood the need to pass my genes on, which other people seem to find important.

@GreyDuck No definitely the second one. I would still love them no matter what. I just couldn't handle it being that I brought a child into the world and they were suffering from similar issues. Should we go down the adoption route and they still later in life suffer with depression, I would do everything in my power to help them as I'm sure there are women on here that unfortunately know what depression feels like and would do everything they can to prevent that. I also however have never had a strong urge to pass on my own genes. Would I like to experience pregnancy? Sure. This is far more important though.

@PinkHeart5914 @jessstan2 Thanks guys

I completely understand how you've come to that decision. I've seen mental health problems in a now adult clearly being displayed in their now teenage child. Yes it could be down to coincidence but I think genetics could also have played a large part. I would worry for my child if I had spent my life battling things that could possibly be passed on to them.

It's the Big Reveal in Lion, isn't it? Although not for any reasons OP listed. Rather, the parents thought having non-bio children was a wonderful thing to do.

Being child free is fine, too.

It's between you and your partner, and your decision is nothing to do with your friends, gran or anyone else. It's completely understandable to be concerned about the impact of your health conditions would affect any future children, both in terms of your wellbeing and ability to care for them, and the possibility of them inheriting the conditions.

In your position I think I'd working on some lines to stop unwanted discussion - things like "It's a personal matter and I don't want to discuss it", "It's not up for discussion" and "I don't want to talk about this with you, can we move on?" Unfortunately some people can be quite intrusive and rude, and you're just going to have to be persistent in closing it down.

If you would like children but are very concerned they are likely to inherit your conditions then I can understand your logic. It doesn't sound selfish or silly to have non biological children. But nor is it selfish to choose to have biological children.

@ragged You know I haven't actually seen that movie yet. Kept meaning to since it was nominated/won a bunch of awards but then it just slipped out my head!

@LikeARedBalloon Thank you. I'm really glad that most people can see that side of it. I remember me as a teenager and there's no way I could in good conscience bring more of 'me' into the world.

I, too, suffer with Fibromyalgia and know how physically and emotionally draining it is. I also think my mental health issues were passed on from my mother. I think your decision is sensible and pragmatic, OP. I can fully understand why you wouldn't want to pass emotional issues on to a child and also feel that the physical demands of pregnancy and parenting would take a huge toll on your already disabled body.

Adoption might not be an option for you tbh. They are so strict on their criteria and I don't know if you would be able to adopt with those conditions.

It's a tear jerker movie. Happy ending but still very sad.

I think you are being sensible. I fail to understand how it is selfish, whatever your reasons for doing it, by adopting, you are giving a child without a family a living family, how is that selfish?

@Dreamingofkfc Well they are pretty much under control and have been for the past few years. From what I understand they likely wont consider you if you're in seriously ill health. That being said, I dont exactly imagine it to be a walk in the park. There's always egg donation, but we personally feel better about adoption (absolutely nothing wrong with it though). Plus its uber expensive. I'll have another talk with my aunt (she's a social worker). If all else fails well then we'll just adopt loads of animals or something. Maybe dogs.

@thebear1 Thank you. No of course it's not selfish to have biological children. It's a natural instinct. I would never make someone feel bad just because their children came from a different place than mine. I'm not sure if you were just making that statement as part of your opinion or if you thought that I viewed it as such.

@CrazySheepLady Thank you fellow Fibromite/butterfly. A full house full of fibromites? We'd be better off living in a pharmacy!

Your reasons for not wanting to have biological children are worthy and far from selfish.
However - that doesn't necessarily mean that you would automatically be well placed to parent a traumatized child, which is what adoption is basically.
They are two very separate issues.
You would be much better to talk through your concerns about having a birth child on the adoption board (cool wise heads over there) than receiving your family's views.

Who do they think you are being selfish towards exactly? The only two people who should have any opinion is you and your DP.

@PicaK You're right no not necessarily. It really would be down to the adoption agency I suppose. There are a few different ways to look at it. The last thing I want to do is mess up child's life that has already been through so much. Thank you for the advice. I'm still fairly new here. Had an account before but only had a look around. Just felt to need to post this question to make sure I was making sense since some people I know seemingly don't understand. Thanks again.

@slashlover they want me to pass on our incredible genes! Our family really is small. It's mostly my gran and a couple of "friends" who dont understand why I'm seemingly making such a big deal out of this.

So you're being selfish towards a non-existent child? A baby is a major, life changing event, it is NOT selfish to put yourself first. It is NOT selfish to decide not to have a baby for any reason.

@slashlover Well I didn't think so either. I mean my gran I can let slip because I don't see her that often and she's in her 80s or 90s (she had 7 children, one of them died and 2 of them had children. My big brother died, my little brother is disabled, so is my female cousin and my Male cousin is gay, so just me and my niece I suppose who she doesn't see). She's also mellowed out a LOT. Friends my own age however I think are being ignorant because to the best of my knowledge, none of them have lived through depression or postpartum depression. Most however were being super supportive. I just wanted to make sure I was looking at both sides of the argument, no matter how ridiculous it is (but also civilly). At the end of the day, they're not going to change our minds, but I still wanted to hear it nonetheless.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. There's no unreasonable reason not to have a child.

However, I do have MH issues and MS. Both of which developed after having my children. Obviously not much I could do about that and despite what people may believe there is a genetic link with MS.

People die, people get ill. We just don't know what ours or our children's lives hold. On the other hand neither of my children have MH issues (now older teen and an adult).

Do you think your anxiety is a contributing to your desision ?

Just some of my thoughts - either way YANBU.

I wish I'd never had DS as he will probably have mental health issues from me.

@WWlOOlWW that's so good to hear that your children aren't showing any symptoms (at least for now). The absolute one things that I cant handle passing on has to be my rumination. Even if everything else is doing really good, this will always come back. I'll just randomly remember a/several bad things that happened in the past, or even make some up in my head and be convinced that it's real, and constantly obsess over them until i break down in tears and become depressed. That's the worst stage of it (almost), but sometimes they're smaller and i have to keep asking people questions about them to make them go away. I get one of those almost everyday. I'm not exactly sure what causes that, but it's horrible. I don't want to give my child that. Theres been times where I seriously felt like sticking a coat hanger in my ear just to scratch my brain.

@RightSaidErica Really? If you don't mind me asking, what health issues do you have?

I've got depression and anxiety. It's bad at the minute and I really don't wish my son to have this curse

I just want to give you an example of what a child MAY look like if you adopt (my nephew) was going to be put up for adoption but my DM couldn't do it so he lives with her, when he was born he seemed perfectly healthy and happy no problems at all slept like a dream and seemed like the perfect baby fast forward 2 years he can't walk properly can't talk his head isn't growing at the rate it should be so his head is 'small' he has white matter on the brain and could have other genetic conditions, we don't know how bad it is and won't know until he starts school he is very clingy and aggressive and probably has special needs as well, could you need get genetic testing done yourself on your eggs? Adoption is great there are so many children that need homes, but many of them have ALOT of problems xx