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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas

45 replies

10rainbows · 04/12/2018 21:26

Both my husbands and my family spend a lot on Christmas presents for their children e.g. on child gets an Xbox one a PlayStation. So we have started spending Christmas at home to avoid tears when our children get less. However, this year, mother-in-law has forced my hand and insisted we go to them this year, I was not asked, she asked the children and husband. Aibu to have a Christmas at home where my children don’t have to feel hurt that they get less presents than cousins? I tried to make it fair one year with sister in law but she is unstoppable, and it leaves my children n tears at Christmas.🙁

OP posts:
Original poster
10rainbows · 04/12/2018 21:30

In addition we are not poorer than our families, just choose to spend a sensible amount that we can afford in presents.

OP posts:
Elfontheshelfiswatchingyoutoo · 04/12/2018 21:45

Force the hand back, say no your not going.

Blanchedupetitpois · 04/12/2018 21:48

How old are your kids? Old enough to understand that not everyone always gets the same, or too young for that?

6079SmithW · 05/12/2018 00:07

Don't go. Nothing is worth your children (or you!) being anxious or upset on Christmas Day.
Stay home, give your gifts, have your Christmas your way. Frankly your MIL is being completely selfish trying to force you to do anything.
Show your children the real meaning and spirit of Christmas. Create happy memories.

CoughLaughFart · 05/12/2018 00:13

Eh?

MarthasGinYard · 05/12/2018 00:19

, 'and it leaves my children n tears at Christmas.🙁'

Really

Because they don't get certain gifts?

How old are they?

GardenOfSeeds · 05/12/2018 00:30

Stay at home, enjoy.

I don't understand the crying either, jealous is the thief of joy.

BurpAndRustle · 05/12/2018 00:31

I think you’ve got to find a way to try to make this whole dynamic a bit better.

Your kids are basically faced with either not seeing wider family at Xmas or feeling second best. Neither are great outcomes. Isolation or upset.

So you could cave re gift level. You could explain your position on gift level to kids better. You could try to achieve some kind of compromise like “we’ll open gifts at home in morning, then come over”. Or some combination of a little bit of each of these things, so everyone is shifting a little in order to be together rather than slugging it out with withdrawal and manipulation.

Incidentally, re gifts for your kids, would there be some way to increase amount they got in Xmas day, without substantially increasing what they get overall in a year? E.g. delaying/bringing forward clothes/toy/book spending, giving vouchers for future trips and days out or giving a cinema pass as a gift?

Purpleartichoke · 05/12/2018 00:34

We always do nuclear family gifts at home and then only exchange extended family gifts with the larger family. So a gift from an aunt to a nephew would get exchanged, but kids gifts from parents and Santa are opened without an audience.

BackforGood · 05/12/2018 00:35

If they are little, then they don't know the value of things anyway.
If they are older then they are able to understand that all parents / families do things differently and that they might not get huge amounts of cash spent on them on Christmas day but they benefit from other things that their cousins might not. they are old enough to understand that comparison is the thief of joy and that there will always be people who have more, and always be people who have less in terms of material things.

Purpleartichoke · 05/12/2018 00:36

And for the people judging the kids, just stop. I went to a few extended family holiday events where I would get a single token gift and the cousins would be opening package after package of expensive gifts. I was always polite, but it always hurt.

Chloe84 · 05/12/2018 00:53

Best part is playing with cousins. Seems sad that kids don't get to do that and it's all about material stuff.

But I agree you should say no if you don't want to go.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 05/12/2018 03:11

I understand where you're coming from OP. We are in the same position as SIL goes completely OTT and DD is too young to understand why Santa brings her cousins so much more. Last year we tried to manage it by opening presents at home and not getting to PIL's until about 11am but SIL waited until everyone had arrived to announce to DN's that they were going to Disney World. DD (who was 4 years old) misunderstood and thought for a minute that we were all going so of course it fell to me and DH to explain that we weren't. That was fun Hmm

LagunaBubbles · 05/12/2018 04:24

Your post is a bit confusing, you say you and your DHs family spend a lot on their children, that includes you and DH then? You have younger siblings?

FixItUpChappie · 05/12/2018 05:16

It seems sad to not spend Christmas with family because some cousins will get more than yours (as is your choice). Honestly who cares? That's life. I try to emphasize with my kids that other parents can do what they want but they are our kids and we will do what we think is best for them....and repeat.

LucheroTena · 05/12/2018 05:23

Do they all live far away innthatbyou hae to stay there xmas eve? If not surely you open nuclear family gifts in the morning before going there and then only exchange gifts for each other at MILs?

BurpAndRustle · 05/12/2018 05:35

When PPs say “nuclear family gifts” I form totally the wrong mental image.

Missiles and mushroom clouds.

PersonaNonGarter · 05/12/2018 05:43

Why are you making it all about material presents. This should be about spending time with cousins.

YABU to stop the DC getting family Christmas and also making it about material gifts. But YANBU to want to be at home. Just go to GP after the present opening.

PumpkinPie2016 · 05/12/2018 06:54

How old are the children? Are they old enough for you to explain that everyone does things differently? Do be honest, then crying over the amount of gifts sounds spoilt.

When I was a kid, some friends/cousins got more than me, some less but I can honestly say it never bothered me - I was happy with what I had, as were my brother and sister.

It seems a shame not to have a family Christmas because of gifts.

speakout · 05/12/2018 06:59

Surely these children won't get a playstation every year- and if yours don;t get such items at christmas- then when do they get them?

Large items that kids enjoy like games consoles, bikes, trampolines are usually given at christmas time- do your children have any such toys OP?

EmUntitled · 05/12/2018 07:04

"Both my husbands" I read this totally wrong Grin

It sounds like your children are a little bit ungrateful. You have bought them nice gifts and they cry because they didn't get an x-box each?

Your MIL and SIL are entitled to spend what they want on Christmas gifts for their children. You are similarly entitled to spend what you want, but you can't dictate someone else's Christmas budget. I can imagine your SIL coming on here and posting "is my family member unreasonable for insisting I only spend £50 on Christmas?"

If they are younger than about 7 they don't know which gifts cost more money. If they are older than 7 they are old enough to have it explained to them why you can't spend £100s.

SummerStrong · 05/12/2018 07:14

How old are your children?

Could you have a conversation with them before hand to prepare them so that they don't cry when they open their presents...and then enjoy the day with family?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/12/2018 07:17

I wouldn’t miss out on a family Xmas because my kids would get upset about not having enough presents. Just open presents at home before you go

rumidumi · 05/12/2018 07:19

I'm confused by this post? Do you both have younger siblings who are children?

Winterishere2018 · 05/12/2018 07:25

I think it’s all abit silly you’re choice how much you spend your dc as is you’re sils, you need to explain to you’re dc. Personally I spoil my dc at Christmas as we don’t buy through the year and I didn’t get a lot as a child growing up. Is one of you’re dc at an age where by they would want a console hence getting upset when they see a cousin getting one?