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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas

45 replies

10rainbows · 04/12/2018 21:26

Both my husbands and my family spend a lot on Christmas presents for their children e.g. on child gets an Xbox one a PlayStation. So we have started spending Christmas at home to avoid tears when our children get less. However, this year, mother-in-law has forced my hand and insisted we go to them this year, I was not asked, she asked the children and husband. Aibu to have a Christmas at home where my children don’t have to feel hurt that they get less presents than cousins? I tried to make it fair one year with sister in law but she is unstoppable, and it leaves my children n tears at Christmas.🙁

OP posts:

Notatallobvious · 05/12/2018 07:28

She means both her family, and her husband's family (their siblings) spend lots on their own children.

rumidumi · 05/12/2018 07:30

I do think it's sad that you would let your children miss out on Christmas time with extended family though. We used to see cousins on Christmas day who got much more and more expensive gifts than us, I didn't care. I just loved seeing my cousins!

Drogosnextwife · 05/12/2018 07:33

I think it's pretty standard for kids to get one main present and a few little presents. Sounds like that's what your SIL does with her kids.

speakout · 05/12/2018 07:37

OP do your children get any large items - ever?

I see you have a 10 year old- does he have a tablet,? Device? Games console? Bike? Trampoline?

If so when are these given?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 05/12/2018 07:47

Some of these replies are batshit.
Of course the OP's kids are going to feel bad if their cousins get much better stuff than they do!
The pious bollocks about comparison being the thief of joy, can't really be applied to children because, well, they're children. They are not really capable of seeing anything other than disparity between thrm and cousins.

Personally I think extended family Christmasses can be overrated - esp if you have a manipilative mil who sidesteps you to force your hand. No kid ever died because they didn't see their cousins on Christmas day.
Take back control and inform your ILs that you will be staying at home.
I wouldn't take my kids anywhere that would result in them feeling sad.

3WildOnes · 05/12/2018 07:49

My cousins used to get lots more than me at Christmas, I was aware of it but not sad about it. For me getting to play with my cousins made Christmas much more special, I still love a big family Christmas. How old are your children? Do they enjoy playing with their cousins? Could you do presents in the morning and ask sil to do the same, so that when you’re at mil’s it is just about enjoying each other company?

TimetohittheroadJack · 05/12/2018 07:59

Is a PlayStation or x box not a standard Christmas gift though? I get both are expensive but I wouldn’t say either are unusual?

rumidumi · 05/12/2018 07:59

speakout where does she say her child is 10?

Sefty · 05/12/2018 08:01

You sound a bit joyless to be honest- don't your children want to spend Christmas with extended family and cousins rather than just at home with their parents?

I could understand this situation more if you couldn't afford to give your children the kind of gifts their cousins receive, but as it's your choice you need to explain to your children that Christmas isn't all about materialistic things so they don't end up in tears when they see the presents their cousins have (which they want).

Personally I would cut spending elsewhere if that's an option and get the children something they were really excited about but that's obviously your decision.

Chloe84 · 05/12/2018 08:02

Your post is a bit confusing, you say you and your DHs family spend a lot on their children, that includes you and DH then? You have younger siblings?

I think OP means her family (so her parents and siblings) and her DH's family (so his parents and siblings) spend alot, but her and her DH don't.

Quartz2208 · 05/12/2018 08:02

Presumably its the fact that their parents (i.e. your SIL) buys them more stuff rather than their is inequality with the grandparents

So is it the amount of presents or the amount of expensive presents

Are you staying overnight or going over? Cant you do yourpresents first and then go over?

GardenOfSeeds · 05/12/2018 08:02

The pious bollocks about comparison being the thief of joy, can't really be applied to children because, well, they're children.

They are going to lead a miserable life then, some show off will always have more, doomed to a life of crying poor me.

LucheroTena · 05/12/2018 08:05

Do your presents first, then go over. Unless you need to stay there xmas eve?

It is hard watching some people get more but that’s life.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/12/2018 08:10

Hi OP I can see why this is awkward however from their point of view - 'I really want to spend Christmas with my extended family however they choose to spend less on gifts for their children than we do on ours. They don't want to see us and are blaming us for their children being upset. They are making me feel guilty for treating my children'.

It's unlikely that everyone in am extended family is always going to spend a similar amount on their kids to you. You can agree an amount for presents to each other but not try and influence what people buy for their own kids (I know you haven't suggested this).

Your kids are always going to come across people all the way through life that have much much more than them.

If this is the only thing stopping you going and you'd like to see them otherwise and your kids would like to see their cousins then I'd try and find another way of dealing with it

Discussing with your children beforehand if they are older

Being up front with wider family beforehand. For example if they are still young enough to believe in santa then I can see why they'd be upset if santa hadn't brought them as much (and think theyve been bad) so can you speak to them and say your kids have been upset in the past at getting less so could you all open presents at home and just take token presents to open there or something

popcornwizard · 05/12/2018 08:10

My son realised aged about 8 that his cousins got way, way more than him (aged 6 and 3) and questioned it for a minute or two, but soon got over it. It's not a money thing, it's an extravagance thing. SIL family always buy lots for each other all of the time, and Christmas is crazy (in my opinion). We don't always buy a toy everywhere we go, and/or buy multiple items for the rest of the family if I see something nice/a bargain. I always explain everything away with the 'different parents/families, different rules' thing.

To put it context, DS gifts fitted into a laundry basket, cousins needed to bring an extra car to take stuff home, so quite a difference.

Chloe84 · 05/12/2018 08:12

Personally I think extended family Christmasses can be overrated - esp if you have a manipilative mil who sidesteps you to force your hand. No kid ever died because they didn't see their cousins on Christmas day.
Take back control and inform your ILs that you will be staying at home.
I wouldn't take my kids anywhere that would result in them feeling sad

It depends on whether OP/kids have fun when they're with PILs. If they do, then it seems a shame to stop going there for xmas without seeing if there is a solution as suggested by 3WildOnes.

wanderings · 05/12/2018 08:25

I'll second the advice about explaining to the wider family that this causes the children to be upset: then they might be more tactful with it, open theirs beforehand, and then share the goodies with your children more. If they don't take it on board at all, all the more reason not to go! Might they agree that the cousins would open theirs before you go there, and your children do likewise?

I think for the children, it might not matter so much if the extravagant presents have been opened already. Has it been that your children have to witness these goodies being opened, the cousins' delight, and your children not being able to get any benefit from them, because they need setting up? Perhaps your children wouldn't mind the cousins getting Playstations, bikes, trampolines etc. if they were also allowed to play on them.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 05/12/2018 08:47

The ages of the DC are relevant here I think.

If they're young enough to believe in Santa then perhaps can you frame it as Santa brings one present and the rest come from mummy and daddy, and that mummy and daddy aren't able to afford as much as SIL/BILs. Alternatively you could tell the DC that whilst cousins have more presents they all have the same amount spent on them by their parents is the same even if its not true. We have to explain this to our own DC as DD has a preference for more expensive items and DS more cheaper ones so he often ends up with more to open even though we've spent the same amount.

If they're old enough to not believe in Santa/understand the costs of things then just need to explain to them that you cannot afford to spend what your SIL/BILs do.

AlmaCogansFrockFan · 05/12/2018 14:16

Hang on, you all seem to be concentrating on the gift issue - or am I misinterpreting the line about OP not being asked- does that mean that MIL only spoke to her son and his children about inviting their family, or does it mean that you OP aren't invited, as that is how I read it initially.

rubaduhlo · 05/12/2018 21:48

No I don't think so! I think op had been invited too!!
Not sure we will find out now as op has gone awol

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