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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you get involved with a very sensible widower with two young children

36 replies

Zulor · 04/12/2018 20:50

When you yourself are not in the stablest of places?

By involved, I mean meeting. It's online dating.

Apparently Mum died from cancer when youngest was 4 weeks old.

How on earth could I be anything like their Mum? Do I just gracefully bow out without offending him?

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 04/12/2018 20:51

If you’re not in the right frame of mind for a relationship that involves young kids then step back. It’s not fair on any of you.

Original poster
Zulor · 04/12/2018 20:51

The reason I ask was his first message to me was 'as you can see, I'm a single Dad, so I hope that doesn't make you run for the hills'.

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 04/12/2018 20:52

I think you need to relax you haven't even met him and you're wondering how you can compare to his dead wife Confused

HildaZelda · 04/12/2018 20:52

Personally no. I had an ex who was separated (as opposed to widowed) with 2 small kids. Never again.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 04/12/2018 20:53

If you're not stable then no, you'd be wasting his time and I daresay he doesn't have many opportunities to get out on dates. You can be clear it's not personal - it would be the kind thing to do.

Longtalljosie · 04/12/2018 20:53

I wouldn’t just bow out. I’d be honest. Just meet him for a date - he’s an adult, he can make his own decisions about his children

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 20:53

No. Because you’re not in the stablest of places and step parenting two bereaved children with a widowed partner would be very hard work.

Get stable, then date. Smile

Original poster
Zulor · 04/12/2018 20:53

Ye, I think it's the kindest thing to do. I hope he won't think it's because he has children, I think he's amazing. I'll just say I'm too ill and drag it out I guess.

OP posts:
Escolar · 04/12/2018 20:53

Personally I’d be fine with that (if I was single obvs). But if you’re not feeling very stable then it may be a bad idea.

Dollymixture22 · 04/12/2018 20:54

He has put a lot of info on the net.

Don’t meet him if he is looking for some,thing serious and you only want a fling. But you are getting way ahead of yourself - he might not be looking for anything serious, he might not like you or you might not like him,.

HollowTalk · 04/12/2018 20:55

I agree, if you're not in the best place yourself, be honest with him and wish him well. I'm sure he's not thinking every woman he dates is a new mum for his children, though.

Pebblesandfriends · 04/12/2018 20:55

He's not asking you to step parent them, just to date. Why don't you take it one step at a time?

Original poster
Zulor · 04/12/2018 20:55

No, I'm really not. But I'm a complete and utter fuck-up. Really not wife material. So I don't want to waste his time. I will just make my excuses.

OP posts:
CrabbityRabbit · 04/12/2018 20:55

Are you sure he is for real? It sounds like the sort of thing conmen say to entice women and persuade money out of them.

Just a thought. Stay safe.

Original poster
Zulor · 04/12/2018 20:56

He hasn't put the info on his profile. It came out in conversation/me grilling him.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 04/12/2018 20:59

If I found myself single, that is the only type of person I would want to be dating. That is the place I am in life where my main priority is my own young child. Someone else going through the same thing would be an ideal match.

Earlier in my life, heck no.

Original poster
Zulor · 04/12/2018 21:01

He has a good job and by all accounts a brilliant childminder, so no he doesn't need a mother figure. I guess he just wants to date. A little bit of me wants to protect them, and a little bit of me wants to protect me. All in all, I think the safest and kindest thing is for me to just fade into the background. Pity.

OP posts:
PavlovianLunge · 04/12/2018 21:07

He’s been fair by being so open about his circumstances upfront. I think that the fairest thing for you to do would to be as honest, and explain that as things are now, you and he aren’t a good match. And you can always leave the door open for future contact if you feel that you might want to connect with him when you have more stability.

Either way, be kind, but do what’s right for you.

Original poster
Zulor · 04/12/2018 21:10

Ye well I've pretty much told him that while he seems lovely, I'm probably not the right woman for him. So that's that I guess!

OP posts:
Eilaianne · 04/12/2018 21:11

no. but it sounds like you might benefit from focusing on yourself a bit first, and getting yourself into a more stable situation before considering dating anyone.

and even if that weren't a factor, no, i wouldn't date someone that had very young children, was widowed etc - i'd worry about it being too much too soon, for both widower and children, and it's a very fragile / delicate dynamic to fit into. it's different if it was someone you knew as a friend already etc, but regarding online dating, i just wouldn't want to get involved in the complexities a recently bereaved father with multiple young children brings. sorry.

Bluewidow · 04/12/2018 21:16

Goodness why are people
Assuming you would ever be involved with the children. I’m a widowerer and all I would ever want if I moved on would be some fun
Not a father figure. Why not take a risk and go meet him. This makes me really sad that if I was to ever delve into the world of dating I would be over analysed. Send his details to me I will go on a date with him 🤣🤣🤣🤣

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2018 21:26

If you are mentally unwell, you should not be dating. It's not fair on either you or anyone you might date. You're more likely to attract abusive men (who love vulnerability) and scare off reasonable ones (who, understandably, don't want to date someone who is ill when there are women out there who are well.) Get better first, then see what's out there.

VictoryOrValhalla · 04/12/2018 21:26

Goodness why are people
Assuming you would ever be involved with the children.

Because OP says “How on earth could I be anything like their Mum?” so clearly she has that in mind.

Original poster
Zulor · 04/12/2018 21:47

By stablest of places, I meant, financially. I'm not working at the moment as I have been signed off as suffering from stress. So it's not as if I am the idyllic Princess Diana, kindergarden teacher.
I'm a fucking nutcase lol.
And I've never had boys and he has two.
I don't just dash into things. He has two young boys.
While I would imagine it would be at least a year before I would meet them, at the same time, the prospect terrifies me as I feel I will always fall short of their mother.
Anyway, slight progress, I've cooled the jets, and we've agreed to meet sometime (I have a rash at the moment so resemble Attila the Hun).

OP posts:
Bluewidow · 04/12/2018 21:48

Yes she does but he may not want that. Clearly said he doesn’t need a mother figure.