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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you get involved with a very sensible widower with two young children

36 replies

Zulor · 04/12/2018 20:50

When you yourself are not in the stablest of places?

By involved, I mean meeting. It's online dating.

Apparently Mum died from cancer when youngest was 4 weeks old.

How on earth could I be anything like their Mum? Do I just gracefully bow out without offending him?

OP posts:

BatF1nk · 04/12/2018 21:53

Maybe don't online date if you're not ready to date? Doesn't waste anyone's time then

FrederickCreeding · 04/12/2018 21:59

You sound very hard on yourself. It's sad to hear someone being so incredibly negative about themselves. I say give it a go. You can worry about the more complex aspects if and when the relationship becomes more serious. At first date stage it seems a bit premature to overthink it.

Original poster

Zulor · 04/12/2018 22:03

I know, I haven't even met him yet! Probably meet him and have one drink and leave. BUT, if we did get on, I obviously have to think of the fact that he has children. I'm really putting the cart before the horse here lol. Anyway, in the absence of friends to sound off to I figured I'd try you lot.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2018 22:59

You're really not in a fit state to be dating. You're desperate, you're overthinking, you're projecting, you're racing way ahead when you haven't even met this man (who might only be after a pity shag in any case).

Honestly: DO NOT DATE until you are comfortable with yourself and competent to socialise with strangers.

TheBigBangRocks · 04/12/2018 23:15

No, I wouldn't whether divorced or widowed. I've yet to meet a step family that the children are truly happy in.

amazingtracy · 04/12/2018 23:50

Speaking as a real life widow. .......Most of the 'widow with young kid/s' are completely fake. It's a ploy to reel women in so that they feel sorry for them.
I dipped my toe in the online site for distraction and saw them a mile off. Maybe do a search of their profile picture. Often the 'kid' can be offloaded to grandparents to fit any subsequent stories or bullshit he tries to peddle. (saw it with a friend of mine, before he asked for money).
Totally ran for the hills and vowed never to get drunk and sign up again. This may explain why I'm on MN.

Original poster

Zulor · 05/12/2018 02:40

Reanimated? I'm desperate? Lol. Thanks.
I'd like to meet someone yes, but I am far from desperate thank you.

amazingtracy
I fucking hope he's not making this up as a total cunt (don't get the impression he is and I have a finely tuned bullshit detector)

TheBigBangRocks
That's the thing, I have no desire to be a parent to young children

Frederick. Just thank you.

OP posts:

Adversecamber22 · 05/12/2018 03:07

I really don’t think if your so stressed your signed off work it’s a good time to go on a date with anyone. The way you write shows a pattern of rather run away thinking. Just concentrate on some peaceful stuff to do to keep you occupied and get some decent rest.

If you do not want to parent other people’s dc then never date anyone with dc.

OnlyJoking1 · 05/12/2018 03:11

He’s not asking you to be step mum, if you like him and conversation flows, then why not?
How long has he been widowed?
Everyone is different, i was widowed for a couple of years before i dated, we had a lot of fun but ultimately he wasn’t ever going to be a life partner.
There are people who lie about being widowed, it can be difficult feeling like you will never measure up to his wife, theres often a kind of unfinished business feeling in the early days of being widowed.
Men usually start dating much sooner than women do.

jessstan2 · 05/12/2018 03:55

I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting him, you may find you enjoy eachother's company, not all relationships lead to moving in together. Just be honest with the man.

I wouldn't want to be any more than friends with a man who had young children but some friendships can be very rewarding, mutually supportive.

Hope you are better soon.

Flowerpot2005 · 05/12/2018 04:24

Hmmm, I think you're doubting yourself big time & also overthinking it all tbh.

At this stage, it's a drink & nothing more (unless you're meeting steve1980 ). All you need to be accepting off is that you understand he has children. That's it.

Going forward, what will be, will be. You need to work on believing in yourself more because this really isn't all about him/his situation, it's also you lining up possible reasons for it not to work. Self protection but don't let that ruin something so soon. Be brave & have that drink but please, brush you're teeth first lol.

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