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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it offensive when people query the paternity of my sons?????

94 replies

tiredemma · 23/06/2007 15:09

??
Ds1 is image of DP, Ds2 is not, he is much more like me and my side of family.

in the past 3 months a few people have asked if my children have different fathers.

A female Rugby coach looked at both of them a few weeks ago and said "have they got the same dad"?

Today- at ds1's 'street- dance' class at his school- one of his male teachers was there, I had ds2 with me as I went to collect ds1 -
male teacher- "they are not real brothers ae they? do they have seperate dads?"

amongst many others!

NO they do not have different dads

then dp says- "Ds2 doesnt look like me at all does he"- almost like his mind is working overtime......

They are like chalk and cheese- am I alone in thinking that people shouldnt be so vocal about it? ( I mean- asking if they have the same dad while dp is standing there seems a tad insensitive to me)

or is it perfectly reasonable to ask such questions? and I being an arse.

(have pics on profile of kids- do they really look SO different?)

OP posts:
edam · 26/06/2007 12:59

Blimey, these people really are very, very, rude. My sister and I looked nothing like each other as children - each the spitting image of a different parent. We've grown into near identical twins as we age, though, very odd indeed.

edam · 26/06/2007 13:01

Ds looks nothing like me, btw, clearly his daddy's boy. Midwife said 'there's not much of you in him, is there?' Daft mare, only 51 per cent of his genes (inc. mitochondrial DNA).

Lazycow · 26/06/2007 13:05

My younger sister and I looked nothing alike - though there were often jokes made that she must have been adopted (I look more like my older sister)which I think she did gert annoyed about.

Weird thing is one of my cousins looked so much like my sister than when we were together I was the one who felt left out as everyone assumed they were sisters and I wasn't.

Tiredmammas children look much more alike than my sister and I did. Their colouring is quite different but their features seem quite similar to me.

Lazycow · 26/06/2007 13:08

In answer to the question though - I think it is slightly rude to ask about paternity like that though I can see that it was probably just making conversation.

I would find it a bit irritating if it kept happening but probably no more than that.

fennel · 26/06/2007 13:09

I don't see why it's offensive, unless you think it's wrong to have children with different fathers. We were asked recently if all 3 of our children were both of ours. It was by a new friend who does have 3 children with 2 different partners. It was just a question, perfectly reasonable I thought.

PrettyCandles · 26/06/2007 13:12

No YANBU tiredemma. That question is about on a par with 'Was she planned?'

Dh and I are white, yet ds2 looks mixed-race. He has features that appear on all of us, but in combination on him make him look mixed race. A mum at ds1's school, who has seen my dh but doesn't know him well, looks at ds2 and me so pointedly, not saying anything - but not saying it very loudly. Other mums have repeated to me the questions she asks them about us. If I didn't already think she was a daft numpty I would get very offended.

PrettyCandles · 26/06/2007 13:13

Interesting juxtaposition of posts, Fennel. I suppose it demonstrates that who asks and how they ask are relevant to whether or not it's an unreasonable question.

Miaou · 26/06/2007 13:29

I'm amazed no-one has asked me if my children all have the same father, as ds is so much younger than the dds. I do agree though, it's the context in which it is asked that makes it rude or not. To come straight out with it, a propos of nothing, would make me want to ask, "why do you want to know?" - because in that situation there is no justification for asking except pure nosiness! But as part of a bigger conversation (eg about families, sibling relationships, sibling similarities in general etc) it would kind of make sense to ask - because you are wanting to get a wider picture of the subject.

Hope that makes sense - I frequently don't these days

popsycal · 26/06/2007 13:31

they are very similar in colouring as my two

NAB3 · 26/06/2007 13:32

My children are clearly siblings. Having said that, I nannied for one family who had 3 girls and they all lok completely differnt!! And not even much like thier parents. Tell people not to be so rude.

Itsthawooluff · 26/06/2007 13:33

A few years ago a woman was admiring DD's in the street, and I was busy preening. Then she turned to me, looked me up and down, and said "Are they yours?".

Talk about deflating my ego pretty sharpish

tinkerbellie · 26/06/2007 13:37

i get this a lot too

ds looks more like me but is very dark skinned like my mum with dark hair

dd is very like dh and had red hair and is v pale like me and dh

people are always saying have they two diff dads (whichi think is v rude in front of them and not v nice for dh)

and since the summer has started and ds has gone quite brown a few people have started asking me if he's mixed race and have gone as far as saying in front of dh that they think he can't poss be his!!

muppetgirl · 26/06/2007 13:40

In our family it's a well known fact that my middle brother has never really looked like my older brother and myself.
My older brother and I used to tease him mercilessly that he was adopted until one day he asked my mother to see his birth certificte, she asked why and said 'beacuse M and J say I'm adopted....'
Boy did we get a bollocking for that one!

Btw older brother is stocky 6ft ish and extremelt confident, brother number 2 is 6ft5 and very lanky, shy etc. We now nick name them rodney and dellboy.....

muppetgirl · 26/06/2007 13:41

Still think it's very rude to comment paternity of other people's children though...

LowFatMilkshake · 26/06/2007 13:50

That's horrible. Regardless of your DS's not looking the same they are both still very handsome little boys!

My DH was always teased he was the milkmans son because of his hair colour! And he said it was'nt until he saw he had a mole in the same spot on his leg as his dads did that he truly believed he was part of the family. - even though mole locations are'nt genetic.

On a similar tack there is a boy in DD's class who has twin baby brothers. They have the same olive skin as thier dad where as the LB is fair like his mum. However on closer inspection you can see he has his dads brown eyes - and very lovely they look on him to.

It's one thing for these people to question you about it, as rude as it is....but how long till someone asks your DS's and really upsets them. Some people are so thoughtless and annoying! Tell them to get lost!

skyatnight · 26/06/2007 13:51

YANBU. It's impertinent of people to ask and none of their business. Lovely kids.

kittywits · 26/06/2007 13:56

tiredemama, not only do my children look nothing like each other they look nothing like me either or their dad come to think of it !! I too have been asked if they all have the same father.

amidaiwish · 26/06/2007 19:18

i find asking DD1
"do you want mummy [said in quiet boring voice] or DADDY [said in loud excited voice] to give you a bath/take you to bed/read you a book/take you to park" etc...
means that he ends up doing more than his share of child-stuff when he is about!

my dh also takes him to see his mum every few weeks, i never go. she is cool with this, i told her it's the best break i get. she laughed!

amidaiwish · 26/06/2007 19:18

sorry wrong thread! am going slightly mad....

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