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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel ashamed of myself at xmas

80 replies

Ceci03 · 04/12/2018 11:40

so, when I was a child, around age 8-12 we had father christmas. and on xmas morn the 3 of us, 3 girls would get up and go downstairs and bring our presents back to the bedroom 2 of us shared, and we would get into bed - 2 in one bed, one in the other - and my sisters say I 'made them' open the presents one by one. We took it in turns to open a present, and the other two would watch. My parents would stay in bed. Both my sisters have brought this up and I'm ashamed of myself for being so controlling. I hate the child I was. I hate that I was not more easy going and just 'fun'. Have been thinking about it a lot. One sister brings it up every year, and pokes fun at me. But I remember it different - that we all wanted to do it. I know it seems silly, but I'm so ashamed of who I was back then. So ashamed that I was so uptight and controlling. (I'm the opposite - I'm probably the most easy going of the 3 sisters now, and very easy going on my own kids)

OP posts:
diddl · 04/12/2018 12:46

Well Idk, it sounds pretty miserable to me.

Maybe you "took charge" in some way that you could think of because your parents weren't there?

Your sister sounds nasty to make fun of something you did as a child.

NameChange457 · 04/12/2018 12:46

I think the problem isn't that you were controlling but that you were made the family scapegoat by your parents.

I imagine your sister brings it up because it's a fond, fun memory. (My sister does similar about making her do various silly things, as kids, and I tease her similarly, silly things like that are what kids do. And those shared memories are a lovely part of having siblings.) If your sisters really hadn't wanted to open their presents one by one they wouldn't have. It doesn't sound like they complained to your parents about being made to open them one by one, just that they hadn't got the same number of presents. Your parents shouldn't then have told you off for opening presents one by one - you weren't doing anything wrong. They should have explained to the child with fewer presents about some things costing more and that Santa makes their presents fair in terms of value not number. I'm actually quite sad for you that you were told off on Christmas when all you'd been doing was enjoying your presents with your sisters.

imonlyherefortheAIBU · 04/12/2018 12:47

I think it sounds like your parents weren't there to watch you open presents so you wanted your sisters to watch/be watched opening presents. I think it was nice of you,
Taking a lead when your parents were in bed

loudhouse18 · 04/12/2018 12:48

Unless your an octopus I think most people can only open presents one at a time. I seriously wouldn't let this worry you at all OP. It certainly isn't a reason to hate yourself for it anyway.

brizzledrizzle · 04/12/2018 12:57

Isn't this normal? That's how my siblings and I opened presents too, one at a time, while everyone 'watched'.

^ This. It's certainly the norm in our house and not doing it is, IMO, tantamount to saying that you are only interested in yourself and not anybody else.

KERALA1 · 04/12/2018 12:58

God if thats the worst thing you did as big sister you are doing pretty well!

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/12/2018 12:59

Normal sibling stuff.

Possibly you felt you needed to provide some structure because your parents were absent.

You were fine, shame is pointless - you were a little kid on Christmas morning! Give yourself some love.

Madmarchpear · 04/12/2018 13:04

I agree it was probably your way to make it feel like opening presents is something of a spectacle like it is for most families. My mum was bone idle and still managed to get up to watch us open presents with the obligatory black bin bag. Shrug it off and roll your eyes when they say it. They'll soon give up.

IfNotNowBernard · 04/12/2018 13:24

What did she do with the bin bags? ?

picklemebaubles · 04/12/2018 13:29

Did you take on a lot of responsibility for your sisters?
I'm surprised at the dynamics of this- that they still bring it up and that you feel shame about it; that your parents didn't supervise their young children and 'called you in' to talk about it.
Did they need you to help with your sisters a lot, perhaps they were ill?

Serin · 04/12/2018 13:32
Flowers If you were uptight and controlling then it is probably because you were forced into a parenting role in the absence of your own mother and father. Doesn't sound like your childhood was a bed of roses OP. I think there are probably issues deeper than opening Christmas gifts, do you think you need to see a counsellor?
OutPinked · 04/12/2018 13:34

When my brother was a child he smashed our Great Grandma’s thimble collection which was the only thing I had left of her. He whacked me around the head with a pool cue, threw the whole tumbling monkeys board game at me because he lost, tipped pink nail polish into my hair, drop kicked me in the vagina and often would throw things like metal toy cars at my head.

I don’t think he’s ever thought twice about it now he’s an adult, he definitely doesn’t feel guilty.

You were a child, children do shitty things without really thinking about it because they’re just kids. You’re overthinking this and your sisters really need to let it drop too.

blackteasplease · 04/12/2018 13:39

She sounds really nasty poking fun at you all these years later. I sometimes get similar from my brothers and don't think it's on at all.

The parents still in bed thing is weird too. I also think you were trying to fill the parenting good.

iwillkeepthishouseclean · 04/12/2018 13:40

Your parents were clearly aware of what was going on and either were extremely lazy or just that laid back they didn't give a shit x but to tell you odd for the present counting things is cruel frankly !

If you were a bossy child you weren't born one and whilst personalities develop nutrition and environment also will have had an effect on this so frankly a good percentage of this lays on your parents

plaidlife · 04/12/2018 14:38

OP, I was a bossy DC who controlled a lot more of my siblings' life than I should have at times. My siblings as adults understand we were all doing our best with much less guidance, support and frankly parenting than we should have had. We all laugh about the things we did but it isn't done in a nasty way.
If your siblings are trying to make you feel bad let them know that you did the best you could with what support you had.
Don't feel shame for the little girl you were, feel proud that she stepped up and took on a parenting role with no support or role modelling. That girl tried to bring order and stability into not just her life but that of her sisters as well.

Ohyesiam · 04/12/2018 15:07

Well if you did do it you were probably just doing it how the adults did, thinking it was the right way.

It’s horrible having childhood stuff brought up though. You could always say “ tables have turned now though , eh?” As you are now laid back.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 04/12/2018 15:45

I have a similar memory from my childhood.

At primary school we used to have computer lessons and were playing a game about Robin Hood. I remember one girl completed the game first and I was so wild with jealousy that I told all the other children not to speak to her because she was a show off.

What an awful kid I was!

MrsMWA · 04/12/2018 16:12

My DSIS still acts like this now. Very controlling over her ‘perfect’ Christmas. I refuse to go round there and be part of it.

jerkkneed · 04/12/2018 16:15

Eh? We do our presents one at a time too. Never realised it was a bad thing?! What does everyone else do?

Talith · 04/12/2018 16:20

Oh families love dragging up tiny incidents for EVER. I am certain I was an insufferable child at times but kids don't always get things right.

Why did you feel the need to be controlling? That's maybe a more relevant question. Not judging just it might be a sign that you weren't happy - that if they've habitually ganged up on you or even just excluded you in games as kids etc you might have been desperate to assert yourself in some ways.

I was laughed at for years for being frequently tearful and "oversensitive" and it took a kindly counsellor to say "what's wrong with being sensitive? Would you laugh at an upset child?" It put a different spin on things.

But don't worry or beat yourself up about this. You were just a kid Flowers

MeOldChina · 04/12/2018 16:23

Not wierd at all. It's nice to be interested in what eachother have got.

My sister and I used to get almost identical stockings that we were allowed to open before my parents got up (the bigger presents were downstairs). We always would deliberately find the ones that were the same shape and open them together so that it didn't spoil the surprise for the other person. We still do it now if we both get similar gifts from relatives.

chocolatecoveredraisons · 04/12/2018 16:26

When I was a kid me and my twin sister opened all the presents under the tree before anyone else woke up. I think I was about 3 maybe nearly 4, it's only a vague memory.
My parents went mental and it still gets brought up, i am mortified about it so I do understand how you feel, but now I just own it and laugh it off. I'm not the same person Now that I was aged 3.
But honestly what you did wasn't bad at all. I like opening presents one by one. I would move on from it, your sisters bring it up because they know it makes you squirm

ItWasntMeItWasIm · 04/12/2018 16:32

We open the presents under the tree one at a time (and I write it down for thank you letters). Exactly the same as when I was a kid.

They open their stocking presents in their own/each others rooms and for me this is one of the best parts of Christmas - listening to the squeals of delight when you're still in bed and before you have to get up and DO things.

Shepherdspieisminging · 04/12/2018 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenmum · 04/12/2018 16:59

Were you the oldest, OP? I was 9 years older than my sisters and used to boss them around all the time, but fortunately they both claim to have enjoyed all the fun games I made them play :D

My aunt had 4 children close in age and they used to spend their whole time playing evil tricks on one another (and me sometimes too, I was a good bit younger so easy prey). When they get together now they laugh their heads off, it is totally infectious. You just can't hold it against them.

I'm sure your sisters must have done something evil too, that you can hold up in return - and if not, just make something up and claim they did it and have forgotten :D