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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel ashamed of myself at xmas

80 replies

Ceci03 · 04/12/2018 11:40

so, when I was a child, around age 8-12 we had father christmas. and on xmas morn the 3 of us, 3 girls would get up and go downstairs and bring our presents back to the bedroom 2 of us shared, and we would get into bed - 2 in one bed, one in the other - and my sisters say I 'made them' open the presents one by one. We took it in turns to open a present, and the other two would watch. My parents would stay in bed. Both my sisters have brought this up and I'm ashamed of myself for being so controlling. I hate the child I was. I hate that I was not more easy going and just 'fun'. Have been thinking about it a lot. One sister brings it up every year, and pokes fun at me. But I remember it different - that we all wanted to do it. I know it seems silly, but I'm so ashamed of who I was back then. So ashamed that I was so uptight and controlling. (I'm the opposite - I'm probably the most easy going of the 3 sisters now, and very easy going on my own kids)

OP posts:

Oblomov18 · 04/12/2018 12:12

UnfairThat they keep bringing this up.
Odd your parents stayed in bed . Making you do the parental role.

not odd that you opened them one at a time - that's what we do!!

AjasLipstick · 04/12/2018 12:12

Brake believe it or not, some parents just don't "need" to see the children in the act of opening their presents. Mine didn't. It never bothered us. We enjoyed it...there were 4 of us and it was "kid time" we went nuts....loads of presents, loads of chocolate...no grown ups. We'd show them afterwards.

Kittykat93 · 04/12/2018 12:13

I find it really sad that parents would stay in bed rather than see the kids opening presents on Christmas morning

But as for your sisters - tell them to stop bringing it up and get over it! Or just change conversation/laugh it off. It's not a big deal.

thighofrelief · 04/12/2018 12:15

I remember going out drinking with my slightly older sister when we were in our 20s. She had too much and drunkenly confessed that she had broken something and pinned the blame on me. The sight of me crying in my high chair covered in spaghetti hoops had haunted her for 20 years. When she told me I laughed like a drain and gave her absolution. My moral of my story is that it is part and parcel of being a sibling. We're all different and some teasing and scrapping and bossing is normal and should be funny to be looked back on. Your sisters are probably just teasing you now.

MadameJosephine · 04/12/2018 12:16

Lol I still do this now! when I go to my Parents house on Christmas Day I make my brother, his wife , my nephew and my parents take turns opening their presents so I can enjoy them opening them. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable thing to do, I spend a lot of time and effort choosing presents and I like to see their faces when they open them. Otherwise it would be all over in a flash of wrapping paper and I would miss it all

Nousernameforme · 04/12/2018 12:17

I make everyone do the one at a time thing now taking turns.
It makes the present opening last longer, the younger dc don't get overwhelmed by too much all at once, it gives me chance to see them open everything and their reactions, and the paper gets cleared away in between "rounds" so minimising the risk of things getting lost with it.

Hohocabbage · 04/12/2018 12:18

Oh dear. Are you the oldest? If i was your wee sister I would be bringing the story up with affection and nostalgia, but it doesnt sound like that is happening here - unless you are reading in criticism were none exists.
You just sound like you were spreading out the fun - and since you had no parent there to do the managing, you did it!

Megan2018 · 04/12/2018 12:18

Everyone remembers their childhood differently - your sisters "remember" that you made them do it. You " remember" that you all agreed to do it.
Probably it is 50/50 - no way to tell.

BTW we opened Father Christmas presents on our own in our rooms - my parents watched us open the downstairs presents which were later in the day. We loved it - trying to be quiet etc. Made it magical and more like the presents not being from Mum & Dad. Shame on the judgy posters - everyone does Christmas differently - don't impose yourselves on others and hope your own DC don't "remember" how awful it was that Mum and Dad watched our every flaming move on Christmas Day under the guise of making memories

Fatasfook · 04/12/2018 12:21

Remember the story people tell themselves about their childhood sometimes isn’t the real story. By repeating this story every year they are cementing a “memory” which they may have exaggerated in order to make a narrative for their own or your behaviour. We often believe what we want to believe rather than the truth

OnlyonplanetMN · 04/12/2018 12:24

I thought everyone opened presents one at a time so that everyone would watch?? We did when I was growing up and now we I do it with our own DC (takes bloody ages as it's DDS, me and DH and all grandparents!)

They also do the 'one present at a time' approach on the Gavin and Stacey Christmas Special.

JudasPrudy · 04/12/2018 12:24

It sounds like they're remembering it fondly? You should ask them to stop if it's embarrassing you but affectionate teasing is a normal part of family life.

TheOrigFV45 · 04/12/2018 12:25

Your sisters sound mean.

I spoke up to an aunt who kept on bloody bringing up something one my DS's had said to her when he was tiny. Something quite mean. I have apologised many times, acknowledged her feelings, bla bla bla.

Then when it came up AGAIN I said "it upsets me that you keep bringing this up, we have discussed it, what would you like me to say".

It's like she wants me to say he's the anti-Christ or something.

Anyway, I was brought up opening presents one and a time and think it's lovely.

hazell42 · 04/12/2018 12:25

I once told my little brother that our parents were dead. Every day. For weeks.
No idea why.I think I wanted to give him a hug.
I was a kid.
Kids do silly, sometimes mean things.
My brother has forgiven me, though he brings it up occasionally. And I occasionally bring up some of the dickish things he and my other siblings did.
I have a list, which I am prepared to share but honestly, none of it matters.
I thought you were going to say you stole 'em or broke 'em or something.

Missingstreetlife · 04/12/2018 12:27

If they open everything at once they don't remember who gave what. It's nice to do it individually.
I have old friends who remember youthful misdeeds and think it's fun to embarrass others, you can laugh or tell them it's upsetting. You are older now as previous poster said. They should get over themselves.

SpamChaudFroid · 04/12/2018 12:28

Ah yes, Fatasfook, the "family myths". All designed to keep us firmly in our perceived places.

SandAndSea · 04/12/2018 12:30

I used to have thoughts like this until I worked with children in schools. When you get to know a whole class, you see all sorts and they're all adorable in their own ways. I hope this helps to soften it for you.

OohBabyBabeh · 04/12/2018 12:30

Ah i think we all would go back and act differently as kids, knowing what we know now.

I was a loner who didn't want to make friends much, I had them, but no best friends. If I could go back I would make more of an effort and be more sociable, I think it would have made my childhood easier!

Try not to dwell OP

Fluffyears · 04/12/2018 12:32

I find a roll of the eyes and ‘jeez are you still going on about that?’ Works especially with my mums unfunny recollections about me.

CharDeeMacDennis · 04/12/2018 12:35

We always took it in turns to open a present, too. Still do now I have my own kids. I bought the presents, I want to see them opened and appreciated. We have a family christmas with my mum and siblings and we always do this, there's never any question of a present-frenzy! So I don't think younger you was BU at all

In fact, sometimes (le shock) we stop and have a break in the present-opening, the DC play with what they've got so far, adults have a cup of tea and a choc, someone potters about in the kitchen... and then there's still present-opening to look forward to

Very silly of your siblings to be ribbing you over this so many years later, and "hate" is a strong word to use about yourself as a child.

RudolphsJinglingBalls · 04/12/2018 12:36

instead of looking at this negatively just look at it as what it was. It was a little girl that was trying to draw out the christmas excitement for her siblings without any guidance what so ever from the adults. One of my favourite things ever is to watch people opening presents when they have no idea what is inside it. maybe you were just enjoying your siblings excitement and if they can't see that then its a bit sad really.

PS- never feel guilty for making mistakes as a child when it should have been the adults acting like adults and taking control. It always killed me that my dad couldn't be arsed getting up with us on christmas morning and after a few years mum would be up for ten minutes and then go back to bed leaving us to try and figure out batteries, building toys etc

MaiaRindell · 04/12/2018 12:36

I wasn't allowed to open anything without my parents there. We had to wait until everyone was by the tree then we took turns to open. I think what you did was fine and you shouldn't worry. If you rip them all open at once, it's all over far too quickly. You were making the excitement and fun last longer!

Chloe84 · 04/12/2018 12:37

But I remember it different - that we all wanted to do it.

Yes weird my parents always stayed in bed. I remember one year I was called in for a 'chat' - apparently one of my sisters had complained that because we did the 'one present at at time' thing, one had 2 less presents that the other 2. Probably my parents didnt know we did this so didnt count them. I got in trouble over it.

Did they all want to do it this way (inc parents) but it was somehow made your responsibility?

What other things do they bring up?

AndThereSaw · 04/12/2018 12:41

One at a time is the way to go!
Not necessarily in sequence but definitely one at a time so we all get to see and coo and share the moment and I get to wrote down what everyone got from whom for the thank you letters!
It was how it worked when I was growing up and how my children have done it.
It is slightly controlling: in fact one of the things my ExH listed as indicative of my controlling ways when we split....and yet when he came to see his children open their presents that first year he was aghast at the free for all with his GF children. Actually used the phrase 'No Discipline!!'

OP, even at 8 you knew the best way: spread out the magic!!!!!

IfNotNowBernard · 04/12/2018 12:42

We always opened our stockings early on Xmas morning and ran into each others rooms to compare but my parents stayed in bed until later. We couldn't open tree presents until they got up. It was nice!

BluthsFrozenBananas · 04/12/2018 12:45

I hate it when family won’t stop going on about some silly thing from years ago. I like to point out just how long ago the incident occurred, so something like “that was thirty years ago, John Major was prime minister, if I’d committed a murder then I’d be out by now, I think I’m allowed to be let off the hook for taking all the green triangles from the Quality Street”. It makes them look a bit foolish petty for bringing it up.

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