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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask those that get on with their mil...

69 replies

ILoveHumanity · 04/12/2018 09:17

Did you go through a phase where you tried to “make it work” against the grain ?

Have you forgiven her for something major before and has it come back to bite you ?

How do you communicate boundaries ?

How do you rebuild trust once it’s broken ?

OP posts:
Lndnmummy · 04/12/2018 09:28

Perhaps against some odds I get on with and truly love my mil. It’s taken time. Culturally we are from very different backgrounds. I’m Scandi and she is very traditional. I never questioned her status as the number one woman in my dh’s life and always accepted her as queen. I guess I was respectful of her status and traditions.
In turn she has given me more love than my mother ever has. She has nursed me through two horrible pnd’s And at a drop of a hat she came to live with us for 6mnths when we needed childcare.
There has been no broken trust as such but we fell out when my first ds was born over boundaries. My dh was fantastic at mediating and boundaries were created and are still in place.

Perhaps not what you asked?

Huntawaymama · 04/12/2018 09:32

I love my mother in law. She's the strongest hardest working woman I know and I can honestly say I've never had a tough patch with her. My SIL on the other is very hard work but even her mum knows that

Nothisispatrick · 04/12/2018 09:34

I expect some of our MILs are just normal people, who don’t need boundaries established

AppleJuiceFlood · 04/12/2018 09:36

I’ve always just got on with my mother in law. We are more like friends really and I have never had to draw boundaries with her. She has never interfered or over stepped the mark and we have a mutually helpful, loving relationship.

Notacluethisxmas · 04/12/2018 09:37

I get on with MIL better than Dp.

MIL is his step mum. But she married his dad when he was 3. His mum left him and his older sisters and never saw them again when do was 13 months.

I totally get dps issues with his mum. But I also u understand that MIL has had her own battles and problems and is usually just trying to do her best. She has done a lot of shit. But also a lot of good.

Yes she overstep boundaries. But then she is human and not perfect. So I talk to her and then let it go.

I don't hold all her mistakes against her. I treat like I would any other person in my family.

Doobydoobeedoo · 04/12/2018 09:39

My MIL is just a really lovely person. It would take far more effort not to like her tbh.

newmumwithquestions · 04/12/2018 09:41

I expect some of our MILs are just normal people, who don’t need boundaries established

^^ this.

I wouldn’t say I’m particularly close to mine but would call her if I was stuck and needed help, enjoy seeing her and spending time with her and I love how she loves both OH and her DC. She loves the people closest to me so I don’t see why I wouldn’t get on.
She’s just a person like the rest of us - we have different ways of doing things but doesn’t criticise my way (well not openly anyway) and is pretty respectful of the way I want my DC parented (when I’m around anyway!).

Fluffyghost · 04/12/2018 09:41

Despite the fact my MIL occasionally drives me potty, I love her she is very kind and caring, It is plain to see that my husband was nurtured into the kind and devoted man he his today by the upbringing he recieved. Having a great relationship with in-laws takes work and it takes work from both sides. You both have to buy into it if one of you isn’t committed to making it work or willing to compromise it won’t work.

Bigonesmallone3 · 04/12/2018 09:42

Iv been very lucky with MIL we've always got on really well, obvs there's the odd occasion that she might say something that miffs me but this happens in any relationship..

MatildaTheCat · 04/12/2018 09:42

My MIL definitely had some big boundary issues when we were first married and was generous with her views on the best way to do almost everything. I largely bit my tongue but was never a pushover. She genuinely did mean well.

Over decades we became very close and much later in our relationship i was able to be a big support to her. Our love grew slowly. She was complex, interesting, opinionated and never wrong but equally she was always interested in everyone else, remembered everything and loved us all equally.

I miss her now but when we were in the early stages of marriage and dc I did certainly have my moments. We had some pretty frank conversations over the years and I would tell her if I disagreed with her on something big but I never banned her or was rude. She was an important part of the family so you work with that not against.

CardsforKittens · 04/12/2018 09:42

I get on really well with my MIL. There have been some occasional differences of opinion about things, but they've been relatively easy to sort out because fundamentally we respect each other. So I don't assume she's out to get me and she doesn't assume I'm trying to cause trouble. She's a very sweet person who always tries to see the best in people so she's easy to get along with.

Other family members have had real difficulties with their MILs so I've seen first hand how difficult the relationship can be - one MIL in my family thought her DIL wasn't good enough for her son (wrong religion) and the fights were awful. It was years ago and these days maybe they'd go NC.

Teajennyforhire · 04/12/2018 09:42

My mil is lovely - never had an issue with her.

ginnylocks · 04/12/2018 09:46

mine is very helpful and polite but god she's boring. i loved my exs mum we used to go for food and drinks once we split up i missed her more than him 😂

Stormwhale · 04/12/2018 09:49

I have been with dh for over 10 years, and it is only in the last 2-3 years that I have become close with mil. I had to forgive something awful that she did early on in our relationship, and I have had to put boundaries in place with her and fil.

It took a very long time to forgive what she did, and the fallout afterwards. I think rebuilding the trust just happened over time. She values her relationship with her son and gc, so that motivated her to work on our relationship. Dh made it clear his place was with me, and we are his priority. Once that was clear, the rest was gradual.

I have been kind, kept her involved, even when I haven't wanted to. Over time i have started to understand her better, and she has seen how dedicated I am to her son and our dc. She has problems, and tbh fil can make her miserable. When I look at the big picture, I can see why she acts strangely sometimes. She has been supportive of me as a mother, telling me that I'm doing a wonderful job, which makes me feel warmer towards her. She has become less controlling since dh made his position clear.

I think basically it hinges on those two things, time and dh being on my side. It never would have worked if it had been them all against me.

perfectionistchaos · 04/12/2018 09:50

I never had to establish boundaries. She is a lovely woman who wouldn't dream of stomping over my life. I know that I am very lucky.

ShanghaiDiva · 04/12/2018 09:52

Never needed to set any boundaries. She is a nice woman; we don't have anything in common, but she is easy enough to get along with.
Perhaps the fact that I live 5000 miles away from her also makes for uneventful relationship! ;)

pandarific · 04/12/2018 09:54

The thing is, I get on with her because she is genuinely a very thoughtful person, and her instinct is not to take over or bulldoze, she is always checking what is okay. So she wouldn't do a lot of things on your list in the first place.

My mother however is another kettle of fish! With her, I use the mn method of being calm but assertive, being specific and direct - eg 'no, we aren't having the baby christened so no christening. But we will be having a meet the baby party' etc etc.

Again though, I don't think she'd deliberately break our trust - I think you would really struggle to get past that with anyone, but best method for trying would be calmly and directly discussing exactly what they have done, asking them why they did it, explaining why you have a problem with it and trying to get them to see that working against you will only damage your relationship and their relationship with their grandchildren.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 04/12/2018 10:02

Mine lives 300 miles away which helps.

We've never had an issue with her. She respects me, she's never bad mouthed me to DH, she sticks to what we want for the kids. She does spoil them a bit but as we see her so infrequently that's fine.

Lookingforadvice123 · 04/12/2018 10:03

My MIL really annoys me and I've partially become to dislike her since having DS as she has no boundaries, and doesn't seem to care about blatant overstepping.

However on face value I get on with her, life is too short to cause family arguments. DH is completely of the same view as me (probably even more so) which helps.

Doilooklikeatourist · 04/12/2018 10:05

Mil is DH stepmum , I should like her , she’s very kind and generous to our ( grown up ) DC
But I find her very manipulative and I don’t trust her
We didnt need boundaries , as DH doesn’t trust her either , and she’s much younger than FIL so is still working ( she is now over retirement age ) and we don’t see them often

dogsaster · 04/12/2018 10:05

My MIL is lovely and it is not her fault that I turned up and want to establish boundaries. We have had our moments and I do accept that some MILs are difficult but that's life, some people are difficult and some people we get on better with. For the sake of harmony I try and let the small things go after moaning to DH as I'm sure MIL does about me.

LakieLady · 04/12/2018 10:11

My MIL is fab and like a 2nd mum (my DM died 8 years ago).

There are only 2 things I can possibly moan about: she's a diabolical cook and insists on hosting family gatherings and won't let anyone else cook, and she voted Brexit.

I've quite forgiven her for the latter, she really doesn't get how globalised trade and manufacturing has become. She's 80, she's entitled not to totally get how things are these days.

allflownthenest · 04/12/2018 10:13

over 25 years since my 1st marriage ended and my DH and I have a lovey relationship with my (ex.)MIL and my ex.H has no contact with her.

SelpMeGod · 04/12/2018 10:15

I have been with Dh for over 20 years. For the first 10 years it wasn't so great. We were treated like children despite the fact I was 22 when I met Dh, he was 21. We had both lived away at University, I was working when I met him.

I think it took a huge row about boundaries (mainly FIL) and the risk of never seeing the grandchildren again to bring everything out into the open. It basically meant going back to the start and things they had said to both of us because we needed them to see where all the resentment had come from.

It allowed us to clear the air, for them to see it from our side, and for us to see it from their side. And importantly, draw a line under it and move on.

So yes, for the last 8 years of her life we got on great, she was always a wonderful, thoughtful grandma to my children. Sadly she died of cancer.

Rockbird · 04/12/2018 10:15

My MIL was a holy nightmare for about the first three years of our relationship. It all came to a massive head where we were nearly handbags at dawn. We were going hammer and tongs at each other! But, now around 17 years down the line we are best friends and she is fabulous. We both come from close, very different families and we definitely needed to learn how to approach each other. Once we did it's been wonderful ever since and I love them to bits.