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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS 13

61 replies

HippoEvans · 03/12/2018 19:33

DS is 13 and has been behaving badly for many years.

Main problems include;

  • refusing to follow any instructions
  • massive issue with control, everything has to be on his terms
  • very rude and aggressive to me and his Dad
  • has been violent in the past and we called the police (he didn't care or even bat an eyelid)
  • smashes his room up or our stuff if he is unable to find something quickly enough or can't find something immediately (I think this is anxiety) he has broken TV's, mirrors, thrown my vacuum cleaner down the stairs etc.
  • no common sense
  • inability to organise, plan or realise consequences
  • partaking in dangerous behaviours such as smoking, drinking and taking cannabis
  • Hanging around with older boys
  • Running away when things don't go his way (e.g we had turned the WiFi off so he decided to 'go to his friends house' in the middle of the night so he could go on his social media)

School.....

He thinks it's ok to storm out of school if a teacher tells him off or raises their voice.

We have met many times with school, and have agreed he possibly has a learning difficulty / problems with concentration and agreed to support him more in class. He has a 'personal profile' which is designed to inform all his teachers to maybe deal with him differently. This has not worked, he is now just seen as a problem and many teachers do not have the patience or tolerance for his disruptive behaviour (I don't blame them), so he is sent out of the class room.

He has spent a lot of the last year in Internal Exclusion but this has not proven to be an effective punishment so we met again with school who agreed it was a waste of time and that if he was being disruptive he could go and sit with his head of year instead.

He is still being sent to IE despite this and teachers are still shouting at him which is adding fuel to the fire.

He was supposed to be assessed by Ed Psych in September but failed to attend school on that day so the Ed Psych came and met up at home and we told her everything we were going through. We are awaiting her report.

We now have to meet with the Education Welfare Officer tomorrow and I just feel so unhappy and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what to expect or what to say. His younger brother DS2 who is 11 has 100% attendance so maybe this will go in our favour as hopefully we won't be seen as completely incompetent parents. DS2 has ASD but luckily he loves the routine of getting up in the morning and leaving at a certain time.

What we have done.....

All the usual stuff such as taking stuff off him, grounding him, rewarding good behaviour. We took him for therapy but he refused to open up so was pointless. Offered to take him to clubs, activities, shopping - he tells me he doesn't want to spend his time with either me or his dad. Nothing works.

He also refuses to attend any family outings which is really awkward as I just don't know what to say to my family (they are very old fashioned and just think I am a failing parent).
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. I guess I am looking for advice or to hear from people who have been in any kind of similar situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
HippoEvans · 04/12/2018 08:53

my Son is not having sex
Girl on depo to regulate cycle as previously stated
I do not have a lax attitude

OP posts:
whereiscaroline · 04/12/2018 08:53

Haven't read the full thread but he sounds just like my DS who has ADHD and ODD. Get chasing the school and try reading the explosive child in the meantime.

Original poster
HippoEvans · 04/12/2018 08:53

Wild ones - yes that is exactly right - one less thing to worry about

OP posts:
Original poster
HippoEvans · 04/12/2018 08:55

Problem is I can’t even get him to the GP, he just refuses to comply with anything- wouldn’t meet with the Ed Psych either.

Oh well got to meet with EWO this morning- hopefully they will be able to offer something constructive

OP posts:
ToastedSandwichObsession · 04/12/2018 08:58

Another one whose first thought was PDA reading your list. It's actually not really rare, it's more some counties won't diagnose it.

Enb76 · 04/12/2018 09:08

Considering he can behave when he's not at your house, I don't think that he's a lost cause and you've probably laid good groundwork while he was younger.

I think there's a lot of jumping to conclusions on this thread and I'd have to agree with Wisty that he'll probably come out the other end, but will give you hell until then. Teenagerdom is hard both for the parent and the child. I was drinking, smoking weed and defying my parents from around 13-18. I hated my mother, really hated her but not for any real reason that I can remember and we get on brilliantly now. I am sure she must have been at wits end and she took me to the doctor a couple of times but really, it was just my teenager brain.

I'm a pretty good human being these days, I have a degree, work in a demanding job, have a small human of my own. The groundwork was laid when I was small, I knew how to behave I just thought it was an incredible imposition to "make" me do so.

Original poster
HippoEvans · 04/12/2018 09:12

Thank you Enb that’s good to know 😀I hope he’ll turn out ok but it’s just so terrifying not knowing!

OP posts:
ToastedSandwichObsession · 04/12/2018 09:23

Sometimes being able to behave when outside of the home is anxiety driven. Home is the safe place hence the meltdown.

1ndig0 · 04/12/2018 09:31

Hippo - I would also bet that one day you’ll be able to look back in this when your DS is in a much better place and think, “phew!” I didn’t mean to sound critical at all, but I am genuinely amazed a child if 13 would be on the depot pill to “regulate her cycle.” I’m shocked any doctor would even agree to this - that a hell of a lot of hormones being pumped into a child. How bad could her cycle have been at 13? It hasn’t even had time to settle down. My DD is 13 and her periods haven’t even started.
I would be wary of this girl’s mother tbh. I’ve worked in the care system and in child protection. I’ve come across the most difficult parents you can imagine, but not once have I met one who would let her 13 year old daughter share a room overnight with her boyfriend. Even the ones with learning diffs or mental health problems or who are high as a kite 24/7. If they really are sharing a room regularly at night, it’s a CP issue, pill or no pill. “Just in case” shouldn’t even come into it at that age. It’s the most basic of boundaries.

Original poster
HippoEvans · 04/12/2018 17:14

Update

Met with EWO, she was convinced we as parents are doing everything we can to get DS to school- in fact she said school should be doing more to support his learning and behavioural problems including chasing up referrals.

Phew looks like we’re not at fault and won’t be getting fined- so nice not to feel judged and a failure for once! Smile

OP posts:
Squeegle · 12/01/2019 09:13

@hippoevans, how are things at the moment? Are school being more helpful? He does sound like my DS who has an ADHD diagnosis, also ODD.

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