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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS 13

61 replies

HippoEvans · 03/12/2018 19:33

DS is 13 and has been behaving badly for many years.

Main problems include;

  • refusing to follow any instructions
  • massive issue with control, everything has to be on his terms
  • very rude and aggressive to me and his Dad
  • has been violent in the past and we called the police (he didn't care or even bat an eyelid)
  • smashes his room up or our stuff if he is unable to find something quickly enough or can't find something immediately (I think this is anxiety) he has broken TV's, mirrors, thrown my vacuum cleaner down the stairs etc.
  • no common sense
  • inability to organise, plan or realise consequences
  • partaking in dangerous behaviours such as smoking, drinking and taking cannabis
  • Hanging around with older boys
  • Running away when things don't go his way (e.g we had turned the WiFi off so he decided to 'go to his friends house' in the middle of the night so he could go on his social media)

School.....

He thinks it's ok to storm out of school if a teacher tells him off or raises their voice.

We have met many times with school, and have agreed he possibly has a learning difficulty / problems with concentration and agreed to support him more in class. He has a 'personal profile' which is designed to inform all his teachers to maybe deal with him differently. This has not worked, he is now just seen as a problem and many teachers do not have the patience or tolerance for his disruptive behaviour (I don't blame them), so he is sent out of the class room.

He has spent a lot of the last year in Internal Exclusion but this has not proven to be an effective punishment so we met again with school who agreed it was a waste of time and that if he was being disruptive he could go and sit with his head of year instead.

He is still being sent to IE despite this and teachers are still shouting at him which is adding fuel to the fire.

He was supposed to be assessed by Ed Psych in September but failed to attend school on that day so the Ed Psych came and met up at home and we told her everything we were going through. We are awaiting her report.

We now have to meet with the Education Welfare Officer tomorrow and I just feel so unhappy and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what to expect or what to say. His younger brother DS2 who is 11 has 100% attendance so maybe this will go in our favour as hopefully we won't be seen as completely incompetent parents. DS2 has ASD but luckily he loves the routine of getting up in the morning and leaving at a certain time.

What we have done.....

All the usual stuff such as taking stuff off him, grounding him, rewarding good behaviour. We took him for therapy but he refused to open up so was pointless. Offered to take him to clubs, activities, shopping - he tells me he doesn't want to spend his time with either me or his dad. Nothing works.

He also refuses to attend any family outings which is really awkward as I just don't know what to say to my family (they are very old fashioned and just think I am a failing parent).
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. I guess I am looking for advice or to hear from people who have been in any kind of similar situation.

OP posts:
Shriek · 03/12/2018 21:39

He is using aggression to control you.

There is so much wrong with that. It's OK cos she's on the deposit injection!!!! She's 13!!!

Omg. No, I'm out. This is crazy. Who lets children this age alone when he has so many issues and he's obsessed with her, do you hear yourself?!

I think your eyes are closed, sorry. This is not the way to go on at all. Sweet little innocent, obsessed teens who can't regulate their behaviour, all alone in a bedroom.

I think you are being incredibly innocent.

Shriek · 03/12/2018 21:40

*Depo!

Shriek · 03/12/2018 21:42

Those posters immediately jumping to a dx of ADHD, etc. Those suffering this can just switch on and off the massive aggression/charm then....???

Pffftt

Glovesick · 03/12/2018 21:46

A bit left field but he reminds me of my brother. Two older sisters who were good at school, more or less compliant children. Same upbringing but he was into weed, smoking, drinking, bad behaviour, bottom of the class from around 11/12. Go pretty bad until he was in his early 20s and came out as gay. He had struggled all that time and felt unable to tell anyone, which caused the behaviour. Coming out was the beginning of the end of a terrible phase.

Not saying your son is gay but he might just have issues he can't express and feel like he is in a vicious circle of bad behaviour and unable to get himself out.

Be strong OP, sounds like you really care and that wins so important. Keep the dialogue going with him, make sure he knows you care, even if he throws it back in your face.

Shriek · 03/12/2018 21:46

Theyb'satya' in the same bedroom. Do you mean spend the nights together.
I am horrified if so. These are children , 'she's trusts her dd'. She's lost the plot frankly

nottakingthisanymore · 03/12/2018 21:46

Where does he get his money from?
It concerns me that he can regulate his behaviour when with his gf parents but not with others. I feel for you op as you do seem to be trying and are clearly very concerned. He is lucky to have a parent who cares so much.

Shriek · 03/12/2018 21:51

Of course he can. He is controlling abusive and obsessive.

He needs to be farbaway from young girls and certain not left alone withbkne in a bedroom, its shocking NOT TO MENTION ILLEGAL but never mind she's on depo not to mention the potential harm to her of all this at her age.

Is this some kind of joke, are you serious OP?

Glovesick · 03/12/2018 21:52

And he had several girl friends along the way with whom he seemed obsessed. Turns out it was him wishing he wasn't gay.

Again, not saying your son is gay by likening him to my brother. Just that he clearly has an internal struggle going on of some description or other.

3WildOnes · 03/12/2018 21:53

I would go with a two pronged approach. Firstly I would concentrate on strengthening your relationship, you might not like him much at the moment so fake it til you make it. Try to spend time alone with him doing things he enjoys. Anything. Gaming, camping, a climbing wall, the cinema, anything just try to invest in your relationship as much as possible and reconnect. Praise him, tell him the things you love about him what makes you proud.
Secondly, decide on the things that are non negotiable. No violence and no abusive language. If he breaks these rules have a set consequences such as loss of phone or WiFi. Sit down with him and explain the rules and that they are there because you love him too much to let him behave badly.
Hopefully in time his behaviour will improve.

Original poster
HippoEvans · 03/12/2018 22:02

Glovesick - I don’t think he’s gay, but agree he is oppressing some difficult feelings- glad your brother got through his horrendous phase and hopefully is now very happy

OP posts:
FordPrefect42 · 03/12/2018 22:05

*Those suffering this can just switch on and off the massive aggression/charm then....???

Pffftt*

Yes, that is what PDA (pathological demand avoidance) is.

Quite frankly, you also need to stop jumping to conclusions. Some of them are most absurd.

FordPrefect42 · 03/12/2018 22:07

Apologies, bold fail. @Shriek that post was addressed to you.

Here’s where I think you’ve jumped to a really absurd conclusion, for clarification:

He is controlling abusive and obsessive. He needs to be farbaway from young girls and certain not left alone withbkne in a bedroom, its shocking NOT TO MENTION ILLEGAL but never mind she's on depo not to mention the potential harm to her of all this at her age.

Flobalob · 03/12/2018 22:11

I was thinking ASD. Some kids don't get picked up on until the shit hits the fan at secondary school.

The chances of having a child with ASD is increased if there is a sibling with ASD. I have one diagnosed child and the other on the pathway. They present incredibly differently and, 2 years ago, I would have been adament that my son was NT. Now, he is presenting more and more and I'm 98% convinced that he is.

Shriek · 03/12/2018 22:14

That's ok if you want to think that, but I think it equally absurd leaving them to it at 13 with someone who can't regulate himself, two teens that can't regulate themselves, but its OK she's on depo [just in case!!!!]. Or did that salient snippet evade you!!!?

This is a joke. It has to be, who actually facilitates this?? Irl?!

It's shocking, and no I was talking about all the posters giving an immediate dx of adhd (which is what I actually said)

Original poster
HippoEvans · 03/12/2018 22:15

Flobalob - that’s interesting I didn’t realise there was an increased likelihood if a sibling has ASD. I thought life was difficult when they were toddlers!

OP posts:
Shriek · 03/12/2018 22:23

But you're not bothered about illegal sex.

This really is a joke

SexNotJenga · 03/12/2018 22:25

I didn't give an immediate diagnosis of ADHD. I said it perhaps ought to be ruled out. Not quite the same thing.

I agree that 'they stay in the same bedroom' needs clarifying.

Original poster
HippoEvans · 03/12/2018 22:29

3Wildones - yes that makes a lot of sense. He knows violence and aggression will not be tolerated- he has actually calmed down quite a lot since the summer- it’s mainly verbal name calling and swearing but I’ve learned to choose my battles

I am really trying to engage with him as I’m keen to keep lines of communication open- am hoping to spend some quality time with him maybe climbing in the New Year.

OP posts:
DaedricLordSlayer · 03/12/2018 22:52

Shriek no its not a joke unfortunately. OP has posted lots of times before (under a another name/s)

and yes from the last time I read one of OPs threads he had gone missing and was found at the girls house, and the girls mother was as wishy washy then. OP wasn't happy and I don't think is happy now, but the point of the threads is she has no control over him and trying to exert control, results in violence and running away.

OP wants/needs proper help (not just people on the internet) but has none.

Shriek · 03/12/2018 23:41

Absolutely, but I cannot align myself with this sense of OK about two 13 yr olds.

It's gone beyond her control, and I feel for that,but if the shockingly lax attitude towards 13 yr old is anything to go by, well, I completely understand the rest tbh.

A vile situation to be in, but from what I've heard here it smacks of no boundaries early on, and he has no other involvement or engagement with anything. What is he doing with money, devices, internet access, any of it, and a gf, at 13 alone in a bedroom staying. All wrong, and no wonder.

Yes, now serious help is required. He needs parents who can stand up tohim and give him proper boundaries and consequences, what s his DF up to whilst all this is going on?

Internet is definitely not the place for this level of laxity.

nottakingthisanymore · 04/12/2018 06:04

I agree with shriek.
Op- are they actually staying together overnight?

1ndig0 · 04/12/2018 08:14

I can’t believe any parent would just casually mention that two 13 year olds stay in the same room and the girl is in the depot injection “just in case.”

If this is for real, no wonder there are issues with boundaries. On what planet is this ok?

3WildOnes · 04/12/2018 08:22

I don’t think the OP thinks any of this is ok. I thought the point of her thread was that she is at a loss of what to do. She is reaching out for support. Telling her she shouldn’t let her son have a girlfriend is not useful when she has a child who constantly defies her and runs away when consequences are imposed. I would really recommend family therapy if you can afford it. Reach out to any services you can.

1ndig0 · 04/12/2018 08:41

But what kind of parent puts a child of 13 on the pill???

3WildOnes · 04/12/2018 08:50

According to the OP the girl was given the depo to regulate her cycle. But the girl is not the OPs daughter so it’s not really in her control , I think she was just thankful as it gives her one less thing to worry about.

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