ever wanted something badly, got it but still not happy? may never be happy?

[OneOffNameChanged]

Has anyone ever REALLY wanted something that you thought would make you happy, worked for it, got it and then not still not been happy?

& then wondered if in fact you will never be happy? Ort the obsessing about the thing you wanted may have just been a cover to distract you from the fact you are fundamentally not happy?

Details will be too outing but this has just happened to me & I've had a major emotional crash. I feel as if I will never be happy and was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience - looking for support.

Say you were obsessed with your nose and thought "if I could just have nose job, I'd feel better about myself. I know I'd be happy" So you save years for the nose job, have the nose job but after its all settled you realise that you hate yourself anyway and although the nose job is a bit of an improvement, you still aren't happy.

Or if you thought "if only I could become a consultant dr or get this promotion or whatever, my life would be perfect." You struggle to get it, get it then afterwards feel hugely deflated and still not happy.

Bumping for you

I think this may happen quite often OP so I would say you definitely aren't alone in feeling this way.

I don't have any direct experience that resulted in/compares to having the huge emotional crash you describe though. What real life support do you have right now? Do you have a partner? Family or friends to confide in?

I think you are not content within yourself and fixating on the process of 'once I get this x will happen' is pushing your happiness towards the future rather than the present.

I think you may need to speak to a Councillor and go through what is making you feel that way in the first place.

I think this is quite common. Like when people lose weight after a long time of being very overweight, or when athletes win a gold medal, then They realise that the thing they have been persuing all the long hasn't actually made them happy. I think true contentment comes from smaller, humbler things rather than big moments.

I realised a while ago that I am going to be pretty financially comfortable for the rest of my life. I thought that would be the solution to all of my worries but it isn't. It doesn't mean that I can stop my children from being hurt or getting ill for example.

I feel really low and quite deflated. I think I'm sad for two reasons - one is the fact that getting what I wanted wasn't the huge happy making thing I thought it would be and two, then suddenly realising that maybe I am fundamentally unhappy - just as a person and with myself.

This has just made me realise it. It sounds a bit strange but it's a bit of a shock. I'd spent so long wanting this thing that it never occurred to me I'd be anything other than thrilled.

@EdinaMonsoon - I have very little support. I am single and don't really have any close friends . I know a lot of people and friends I see occassionaly but not people I'm close to.

I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. I think basically I don't like myself and I don't think I ever will - no matter how much I achieve or no matter how much I improve myself.

@likablum

I think this is quite common. Like when people lose weight after a long time of being very overweight, or when athletes win a gold medal, then They realise that the thing they have been persuing all the long hasn't actually made them happy. I think true contentment comes from smaller, humbler things rather than big moments.

That's exactly the type of thing I'm talking about - your examples of gold medal or losing weight. I have no idea how to start to find contentment. I judge myself so harshly. I think not having a partner also doesn't help. It make me I feel that I am unloveable.no one wants me. That's a different problem to the one I'm posting about!

I see that a lot on here, OP, tbh and I think it's easy to recognise when someone is doing it. Having said that, if they are fixated on 'whatever' being the solution they are not always willing to listen so you are right about the crash afterwards when they realise that 'whatever' wasn't actually the issue all along.

I hope you are doing OK, OP. Do you have anyone to talk to?

It make me I feel that I am unloveable.no one wants me. That's a different problem to the one I'm posting about!

Same problem, different symptoms. Self-worth - or lack of. You always look to an external event in the future to make you happy - you're not happy in the here and now - maybe you think you don't deserve happiness?

God yes!

Day I got into Cambridge. I just felt weary. Like I’d been clenching for months and now I should stop and I knew I should want to celebrate but actually I was worn out from all the clenching.

Day I qualified as an actuary. Felt relieved rather than happy.

I’ve realised that I am a quietly content type. I just want to sit quietly and be a little bit pleased. I don’t want to jump up and down and scream and shout.

This is a mistake lots of people make. Happy people tend to be happy despite their big nose and small house. Happiness is a deep level thing. The house and nose are superficial. You can’t fix deep things with superficial things.

Look at it from the other side. You don’t look at someone with a big nose and assume they are unhappy because their nose is all they are. So why would you be any different!

I've gone through some big life changes recently and the possible loss of my career and identity and have been trying to find out what makes me happy and content. I've been working my way through a kind of journal which has lots of prompts to think through what I value, what makes me happy, goals and dreams, and what I can do now, today, to get to know myself. Simultaneously I'm trying to do 10 mins (which is a really long time!!!!) of mindfulness exercises. It's really helping me come to terms with the loss of a big dream that I've worked really hard on for the last 6 years.

Basically, I figure if I spend time really getting to know myself and where I am now, what makes me happy and content now, I won't go chasing off after "I'll just be happy IF I lose a stone/travel the world/make more money/declutter the whole house" etc. And invariably disappointment will result because I know that I'm more than my weight, bank balance, career, or pride in my home and one thing - even if it's a success! - will not on it's own transform my happiness.

Journal for self-exploration: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1846149193/ref=ascdff_184614919357261665/?tag=googshopuk-21&creative=22110&creativeASIN=1846149193&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310856639426&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4616500553691476618&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007080&hvtargid=pla-454906749775&th=1&psc=1

Little book of mindfulness: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Book-Mindfulness-minutes-stress/dp/1856753530/ref=mpssa111?ie=UTF8&qid=1543868238&sr=8-1&pi=ACSX2366SY340QL65&keywords=little+book+of+mindfulness&dpPl=1&dpID=51wScK29NbL&ref=plSrch

YANBU at all - Its a sad fact that rates of PND are significantly higher in Mums who conceived their DCs through IVF.

The reality of life with a newborn fails to live up to the very rose-tinted expectation, and the mum feels like she can't be disappointed as it is what she wanted, after all

Maybe it’s not that life with a newborn doesn’t live up to expectations. Maybe IVF mums are simply more emotionally exhausted when they are finally able to let go.

I'm paraphrasing the research on this subject...this is what the participants in the study reported.

I still wonder if they know themselves why they are feeling so low. They would have no way of knowing if the additional hormones from the treatment were actually making them depressed. Or if the baby being hard work was causing the PND or simply a symptom of it.

Yep! Thought a better job would make me happy. Temporarily yep and money is nice. Still didnt feel "fulfilled". Had a baby. Love him to bits but now life is fundementally harder. Ok he makes a lot of things better but still not totally happy.

Want to get married. About to get engaged if it happens couldn't feel more meh about it if i tried. Love dp to bits but thought of a wedding does nothing for me.

Moved house as thought a lot of my unhappiness was about where i lived. Nope. Not really.

Dont feel depressed. Ie can get up and go to work every day, love to do things with dp and ds, have a laugh with lovely colleagues at work and friends but there is still something missing.

Dp thinks ill never be truly truly happy and over the years i have realised he is probably right.

I still wonder if they know themselves why they are feeling so low

I understand how much ignorance there is surrounding infertility, and realise you probably don't mean to cause offence - I very strongly suggest you refrain from saying this to anyone who has struggled with infertility though.

I think you have two problems here. The main one seems to be that you are worried that you are a fundamentally unhappy person. I’d doubt it, but if you are able to afford it, talking to a counsellor can help - even if you’d say there was nothing “wrong” as such.

In terms of getting what you wanted not being the huge happy making thing you expected, I really think this is normal. It can be a good starting point for change in your life, and thinking what you really want from your time on Earth.

When I first finished my training I was dead set on going into academia and trying to get prestigious fellowships and really high profile publications. Then I achieved my milestone and I had exactly the feeling you described. It was a huge factor in choosing to change career path into using my skills for something that I feel is for a good useful purpose (think maths/engineering, not charity work). I think this was really a change between seeking external validation that what I did was worthwhile, and deciding on what I thought was worthwhile.

Recently I began getting into a variety of (somewhat expensive, training intense and time consuming) hobbies - think sailing and similar. I did achieve my goals like planning and carrying out a trip, and I was very proud and happy at what I had achieved. But when I thought about whether setting and achieving ever more ambitious goals of this sort would be “enough” for my future, was it what I wanted... that really helped me decide on trying for a child.

All the shine of a thousand spotlights
All the stars we steal from the nightsky
Will never be enough
Never be enough
Towers of gold are still too little
These hands could hold the world but it'll
Never be enough
Never be enough

This is a mistake lots of people make. Happy people tend to be happy despite their big nose and small house. Happiness is a deep level thing. The house and nose are superficial. You can’t fix deep things with superficial things.

Yes - I understand this - but how do you get to be happy? Isn't it a personality type? You can't change your personality type can you?

I get that you may be able to change your behaviour - for example you could force yourself to do mindfulness exercises instead of sitting around dwelling on a problem - but it's not going to change who you are and your basic personality type.

Putting on a band aid won't cure a broken leg.

Look at it from the other side. You don’t look at someone with a big nose and assume they are unhappy because their nose is all they are. So why would you be any different!

I do exactly this though.Not about a big nose particularly but I do look at others frequently and wonder how they could be happy with earning so little, achieving so little career success, married to such a controling person, such an ugly perons, have such bad skin on and on.

I judge myself a million times more harshly though - I think far worse things about myself. It does not surprise me that I am single as I do feel like I'm too unattractive and don't have enough to attract a quality man.

I wonder whether its possible to ever be happy if you aren't at core a happy personality.

OneOff, I think you are right. But it’s a combination of things. I think I was born with a positive nature, my parents taught me resilience and then I got lucky by never having anything really bad happening to me (yet).

OP I agree with your last post. I strongly believe the ability to feel happy with your lot in life, look on the bright side, feel optimistic etc are innate character traits you either have or you don't. There are many people for which this comes naturally but I suspect they are in a minority. Most people do not naturally feel content with what they have and that doesn't change even when they achieve whatever it is they feel will cure their unhappiness.

My sister was miserable when she was single. She met and married a wonderful man but was then depressed again because they lived in a flat on a council estate and she wanted to be in a bigger property with 'nicer' neighbours. Her DH scrimped and saved and they bought a beautiful spacious house in the suburbs. When I visited she told me she was unhappy because the house is too big and difficult to maintain. The neighbours are nice but dull, the area is boring and not diverse enough for her. She now misses her friendly former neighbours from the estate. The same former neighbours she used to secretly judge for not being aspirational and having too many kids. Her DH previously managed a supermarket and she urged him to get a better job which he duly did but she's unhappy about that now as well as he works long hours and she is left alone in the big house.

I could go on. Literally everything she wishes for and gets seems to make her unhappier.

I think counselling might help you, to find out why you judge yourself so harshly. It could be something from childhood, like your parents always criticising you, or something.

Once you've uncovered the why, you can work on how to change your mindset.

There was a study of people some of whom were miserable and won big, happy temporarily but then down to the same baseline level. The opposite was true for optimists who had an unfortunate event befall them, their mood dipped for a bit but then normalized.

As PP have said, your own inner perception of the world will influence how pleasurable your experience is. This means there's a "bad" thing, money and success won't make you happy. However there's a "good" thing, you have the tools to make yourself happy.

Now obviously if there's an acute problem to be solved like an abusive partner or you're about to be eaten by a lion, there are some immediate real world imperatives to deal with, but once you've a roof over your head, intellectual stimulation and food in your belly, the rest tends towards window dressing.

Sounds smug doesn't it? I agree... but when you can harness the moment and enjoy a simple cup of tea, happiness isn't beyond your reach, in fact it's right there.

I think happiness has two components. Joy and contentment. Joy is those moments when you win the race or get the promotion or whatever. Contentment is a deeper feeling, more in the day to day, even when the moment isn’t particularly great, that life is pretty good. I think it comes from being thankful for what you have, rather than always striving for more. For me as a Christian that comes from God, but for others it could be whatever they believe in that’s bigger than just themselves.