ever wanted something badly, got it but still not happy? may never be happy?

[OneOffNameChanged]

Has anyone ever REALLY wanted something that you thought would make you happy, worked for it, got it and then not still not been happy?

& then wondered if in fact you will never be happy? Ort the obsessing about the thing you wanted may have just been a cover to distract you from the fact you are fundamentally not happy?

Details will be too outing but this has just happened to me & I've had a major emotional crash. I feel as if I will never be happy and was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience - looking for support.

Say you were obsessed with your nose and thought "if I could just have nose job, I'd feel better about myself. I know I'd be happy" So you save years for the nose job, have the nose job but after its all settled you realise that you hate yourself anyway and although the nose job is a bit of an improvement, you still aren't happy.

Or if you thought "if only I could become a consultant dr or get this promotion or whatever, my life would be perfect." You struggle to get it, get it then afterwards feel hugely deflated and still not happy.

@Motoko
to find out why you judge yourself so harshly. It could be something from childhood, like your parents always criticising you, or something.

I know the answer to this already and have had counselling. It's nothing terrible really - I come from a high achieving background and as a result have a tendency to associate success ->praise -> love.

This isn't really about that though. It's a deeper issue of not being happy, not being satisfied- and in the present situation feeling actively depressed and deflated and not having the perfect life/happiness I thought would result when I got what I wanted.

I don't know what's the matter with me. If I think about it too much, I get tearful.

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

I think happiness has two components. Joy and contentment

Sounds sensible and insightful. Thank you. So how do I find contentment?

Where do you get that? How do you get that?

In my opinion, contentment requires you to fake it till you make it. Basically, telling yourself over and over that you're content, while finding things in your daily life to honestly be content with, results in a feeling of contentment! I know it sounds dumb but I really believe this.

I've mentioned the mindfulness journal and practice I am trying to do upthread to be more present and appreciate things around me, but there's also a lot of good evidence that practicing gratitude results in contentment. I try to tell myself about the things each day that I'm grateful for and that I should appreciate. (It helps that I went through a few years with serious health issues and nearly died so thinking about what I appreciate is easier now than it used to be.) It sounds really twee but I make a conscious decision to use the things I see around me as prompts for thinking about what I'm grateful for and that by extension is stuff I'm contented with.

It's a conscious process of telling myself "this is great, I am grateful for this, I am happy to be here today, I have a wonderful life." And it does sink in! It feels kind of fake and cringe at first even if other people can't hear your thoughts but eventually it becomes more natural. it forces you to be present in the moment though and notice stuff - you can't have your brain full of a jumble of thoughts about "if only I was somewhere else/with someone else/doing something else and then I would be content". You have to think "look at the mist rising off the river this morning, how beautiful, I can hear birds all around me, I am happy and content to be here". The more "present" you are with everything - eating, spending time with family, satisfaction in tidying up, whatever - the more little things you will notice and appreciate positively. Eventually it becomes second nature.

It's worth a try, honest. And unlike an industry of self-help books, it costs not a penny.

(But if you're minded to spend money, there is a good book called something like "the life-changing magic of not giving a fuck" which I thought was hilarious)

I think a lot of people feel this way. We chase the things that we think will make us happy. And often they don't.
Try not to think of it as pursuing happiness. We can't be happy all the time- think of it as eating your favourite food every single day- at first its heavenly but eventually you would just feel sick! You need a balance to truly appreciate what happiness really is. Everyone experiences suffering, loneliness, illness and struggles in life, and I think its the way we approach these struggles and work through them that help us appreciate when life is good.
I don't think it helps that many of us measure our own self-worth and happiness by comparing our lives with others, social media has a lot to answer for with that.
I try to tell myself now, that rather than seek happiness, try to seek a meaningful life. Find meaning in your relationships, work on them. We are nothing without the people we love and care about, they deserve our time and love. Find meaning in what you enjoy doing, like a hobby or a passion or even your job. Find meaning in helping someone out, even if it is just a small gesture.
Don't forget that lots of us are struggling with the same thoughts and issues as you- you're not on your own.

@Oneoff I think the poster above was spot on about being actively grateful. I also think that doing something for someone else, or being part of something bigger than your own life has a huge impact. All through my marriage break up, and being diagnosed with a chronic health condition, and losing my home, I was also volunteering for a food bank. And in a round about way it helped keep me sane. I also take a lot of comfort from my faith (obviously I don’t know what - if anything - you believe in).

I think if you chase happiness you'll find yourself further away from it because you're perceiving it as a static state at the end of a long fight when really it's a temporary emotion. Contentment I think comes from aligning how you live your life with your true self and principles rather than any external measures of happiness and/or success, then accepting the range of emotions that come and go along the way: that way you have the solidity of being trye to yourself under your feet when sadness comes, and not the 'why aren't I happy?' question.

It is a well known phenomenon, there have been quite a few studies -

uk.businessinsider.com/winning-powerball-lottery-happiness-2017-8

A classic 1978 study on this compared 22 lottery winners with 22 control-group members (who didn't win any money) and 29 people who were paralyzed in accidents.
In general, the lottery winners reported being happier than the people with paraplegia or quadriplegia — a 4 out of 5 versus a 2.96 out of 5. The control group averaged 3.82 out of 5, not significantly different from lottery winners. However, lottery winners reported getting the least enjoyment from what researchers called "mundane pleasures" — enjoyable aspects of everyday life like eating breakfast or talking with a friend.

The concept at play here is called hedonic adaptation. People have been shown to return to a kind of set point of happiness after events that we assume will have a big effect on how we feel.

You are on what I think is called the hedonic treadmill. You are satisfying your immediate 'want' and that gives satisfaction momentarily, until the next time. All of which is external and is probably a projection of the need to impress. Think of it as a hamsters wheel if you like. It's the job, then the house, then the holiday, then the handbag, then the next pair of shoes, then the dress, then....................on and on and on. It's exhausting and something inside decides that there is something more to life. But what is it?
To find true happiness you need to go inside yourself. Find out that which is authentic. Unblemished, true and pure.

Ecart Tolle describes this is his books as everyone carries around a certain amount of pain and mostly we try to distract ourselves from it by focusing on things outside of ourselves and on the future. His solution is to concentrate on the now and focus on the physical body rather than listening to your thoughts. Such as simply listening to your breathing for a few minutes. This helps release some of the pent up emotions and over time improves your contentment much like mindfulness. The Power of Now is a small book with lots of good info.

Interesting.

I was probably at my happiest when I was poorest and had few prospects - I dropped out of uni and thought that was it. So concentrated on my lot and it was great.

Still thought I’d be happier once I’d got my degree and established my career - turns out I’m meh about it.

That said, I’m passionate about my home and family and they make me very happy. Work not so much which was all I lived for for a decade! But my DM was someone who was only ever happy when miserable so maybe it’s genetic.

I think it's a mixture of genetics and how we are brought up.

There is a name for what you're describing - paradise syndrome. It's like those celebrities who seem to have perfect lives but are depressed or addicts or serial cheaters. They worked so hard to get there and then realised it doesn't make you happy.

I experienced this - a few years ago I looked at my life and had everything I had ever wanted on paper - but it was the most miserable time in my life.

Now I am trying to be more mindful of the little things that make my day enjoyable and practising being grateful.